Ayla's Stocking 2014 Update

I received the most wonderful email! You know about Ayla's Stocking and the success it brought about this year, obviously, but today Shannon who is one of the head people at the hospice sent me this lovely email;

Hi Julie, 

I can definitely share some tidbits with you! I was not here for the actual Christmas Day but I was a part of much of the wrapping and choosing gifts process, and I got some info from the nurses who were here that day. We had 4 children admitted here that day, 2 with family staying and 2 without family staying. We closed down the teen room and made it into a “Santa’s Workshop” and had all the donation in there, kind of like a toy store. For the families who were in house, we asked parents if they wanted to come shop for gifts in the donation room (which they did! And were thrilled to be able to). We even had one patient who came with his parents into the workshop room to choose gifts for his brothers and sisters. It was very sweet of him, and there was no way he would have been able to go to the mall or a store to shop for them so definitely a great help for the family.

On Christmas eve, a volunteer and I spent some time wrapping gifts for patients, siblings, and parents who would be waking up in the house on Christmas day. For one family in particular, who had made their own Christmas tree in the their room and decorated everything, we wrapped up some of the gift cards and hung them on the tree in the room (the nurses snuck in to do this while everyone was sleeping) and they were very surprised by this in the morning! Lots of thanks and smiles from them!

All in all it was very successful and we still have stuff left over that we can continue to give away and use over the next few months. Thank you so much for your support and the families all shared their gratitude and thanks as well!

Take care,

Shannon Murch, CCLS

Child Life Specialist

Rotary Flames House

This brought me to tears. I have said this so many times but I am so grateful to all who have helped in one way or another. I know that Ayla could not be saved but knowing that she will always be remembered like this is wonderful. I could not have done this without any of you and I hope you realize how much of an impact you have on not only my life but countless others. 
 

Reading these stories help me to recognize that behind all the gifts are real people. The boy who was able to 'shop' for gifts that he otherwise would not have the opportunity to do in his current state is remarkable. I can't help but wonder if this would be his last Christmas with his family. And being able to provide him with even a bit of holiday spirit makes my heart melt. 

Again I am humbled at the kindness of others! I truly do have the best people surrounding me :) life couldn't be better. 

Angel Day and Ayla's Stocking Update

I feel like I have so much to share in the blog world today and the words I want to say are not coming as easily as I would like. But since I have neglected the post on Ayla's Stocking I will be combining that with my semi-annual letter to Ayla. Hopefully it will be worth the read.

Dear Ayla,
I am so filled with love today and it's hard to believe I am once again facing your angel day. Last year was hard. Harder then I could have imagined. But somehow I made it through it :) And this year has been so much better. I pushed through these past couple weeks with very little tears comparatively speaking. I had no break downs and ringing in the new year held no overwhelming feelings. I still miss you. Always will, but this year has felt different. I feel like God has blessed me with the opportunity to grow and learn and even though I can't hold you that's okay :) I love you so much and I would never take back the pain I endured. Both in losing you and the months leading up to your death.

This Christmas season was wonderful. I love that we are given the opportunity to celebrate our Savior's birth and how that brought about so many wonderful things. Through him and his sacrifice we have been given the opportunity to be together again. I love that in the temple and sometimes at home I feel you close, I don't always recognize it but I know you are there. Even little things like Emily sending me a text with miss Millie melts my heart and I know that you two know each other.

I delivered Ayla's Stocking for the second time and this year was even more wonderful then last! I sent out flyers in my hometown and the response and love I received was remarkable. People brought me to tears on a number of occasions. There was one special girl who's daughter probably awaited you in heaven. She left this life only a couple of weeks before you did and I remember feeling so terrible that her mom was enduring a similar situation. It breaks my heart. Please watch over her and her angel baby.

So in addition to sending out flyers and receiving so many wonderful and thoughtful gifts Aunt Janice got her workplace to help. The response was overwhelming. I walked into the house and saw the amount of toys there and it brought tears to my eyes. There are so many good people in the world! Even amongst all the terrible things that are going on around us people find a way of surprising me. I know that you would love to see the children's faces as they received gifts in your name. I know that this will become a yearly tradition that I hope my future children can come to appreciate how serving others is by far the greatest gift we could give. I am so bad at writing cards but I hope to have thank you cards delivered to all who participated in the next couple months.

After delivering the toys we went up to the second floor of the hospital and looked at the memory tree. There are so many families who lost children :( I know that they too will see them again. I wish I could convey that message of hope to all, but this blog is as good as it gets for now. As I watched families walk by it still felt surreal, I can't believe that I lived that life for three weeks. And the fact I'm doing as well as I am is amazing to me. I could not have done it without the knowledge I have that's for sure.

Which brings me to my next point. The past couple months I have been struggling with forgiveness. I don't know why but for a while there I felt like I was starting over in that respect. But I have learned quite a bit from my studying. I learned that forgiving others is that it is not a one-time thing. You have to learn to forgive every. Single. Day. Just when I think I have forgiven someone old feelings come creeping up. For every couple of steps forward I feel like I take one back, this has been an ongoing challenge and honestly I think it probably will be for quite some time. No matter how many times you try to think of how much better life would have been if certain choices hadn't been made, it doesn't change the outcome. Dwelling on what could have been doesn't change a thing. And even more so being bitter about it doesn't help in the slightest. There are people in my past who probably have no idea how much they hurt me. And for a long time I hoped that one day they would come to understand how I felt at that particular time.

You were the only one there every moment of that, it was painful for me knowing that I couldn't hide the pain I was feeling from you. I so wish I could have shielded you from it...but honestly Ayla I think you were sent to me so that I would have something to look forward to. I needed you far more then you needed me. You knew what you were in for and you still came :) Thank you Ayla.

I also gained a greater understanding of the atonement. the past couple months. I was writing a talk on love and forgivingness Christ always comes to our aid and offers his sympathies knowing exactly how we feel. But the beauty is that he knows the other person too, so although he is sad for us and in no way diminishes our feelings, he also understands the logic behind others actions. He is the only person who can fully understand both sides of the story and in the end he will be the one to judge us. Fairly. It is so wonderful to know that someone will forgive us no matter what :) Even me. I have to work a little harder to get to the Celestial Kingdom then you did but that's okay, I'm on my way.

You would be proud to know that I am finally making new friends. For a long time I feared that my story would scare people off, or they wouldn't know what to say. It's true for some but I wouldn't change my story for anything. There are people who are afraid to approach the topic of you but as I've learned to be open about it I have found that people take it a lot better. As time goes on I have learned to embrace it. I also have stopped throwing you up as a wall. Sorry for that...I used to use it to keep people out and weed out the ones who couldn't handle it. But as I have found the balance I need to no longer feel the need to put up walls, but at the same time be cautious about who I let in, I have been so much more confident in myself.

I thank God everyday that he sent you to me. I learn more every year and I can't wait for the day to snuggle you in my arms.

Love you to heaven and back,

<3 Mom

 

Welcome 2015!

Where has this year gone? It feels like just yesterday that I was writing a post reflecting on 2013 and now 2014 is over! As with last year I have been reflecting and reminiscing about all that I accomplished in this past year.

My word for this past year has been live and looking back I notice that I have far surpassed my expectations. As I said last year I had been living in survival mode that I was numb to the world, I was still crying quite often and wishing that life had turned out much differently then it did. Once you go into survival mode it's very hard to come out of it. However, slowly (it didn't seem like progress at the time) I began to laugh more often, I started putting myself out there more, and I stopped trying to fit into the YSA mold I felt I needed to be. 

I learned more about myself and who I could be more in the past year then I thought possible. Looking back I think I've made more progress then I had in a long time. I have become close to heaven and for the first time I have been okay with no definite plan. 

The more I gave up control the more my life just seems to work out on its own. If a year ago you were to tell me that I would go on vacation with Megan, be a councelor at efy, change jobs, watch Eric leave on his mission, and start a process that I hadn't planned on starting for quite some time, I would say you were crazy. But everything has felt right and fallen into place so perfectly that I don't think it's all my doing. 

There have been moments this year when I felt low. I realize that this happens to everyone but I don't like the feeling, it's like I feel the need to always be in control of my emotions. I think it started a long time before Ayla got sick but I started putting up an emotion wall, I go into this place where I allow myself to stop feeling. It doesn't always work, as evidence of my last few months before I separated, but sometimes my emotions get the best of me and spill out.  

In those times I found that God has always blessed me. Often it's through friends, family, scriptures, songs, and recently a lovely woman named Ashlee--her story is incredible! One day I will find the right words to express my feelings about her, but today is not that day. If I've learned one thing it's that I am always being watched over. 

I feel like this year has been a transition year. Like I mentioned previously I didn't feel like I was making progress but looking back I see how far I've come. Now that I've transitioned into someone more confident and sure of myself I feel like it's time to go outward.

So in thinking this through I have decided that my word for this coming year is love. Now this is a pretty broad topic and I hope you'll bare with me while I explain. 

I want to love where my life is right now. I've hit this point to a certain extent but I want to continue to not only be content with my here and now...but love where I am. And where life will take me. I really have no definite plans and I'm actually okay with that :). I want to feel like no matter what does or doesn't happen I can accept it. After the divorce I wanted life to move quickly along so that I could gain what I thought I had lost back. When it didn't happen I felt frustrated. However, the more I've relaxed and let my control over every aspect of my life go, the more I've realized that it's so much better this way. And I've grown because of it. 

I also want to love who I am. Again I have been working on this but this year I plan to take more steps to become more confident in myself and my story. I really do love who I am becoming but I feel like I still need to heal a bit more and let go of the extra baggage I carry. It's slowly coming off but I want it mostly gone so I can move forward more then I already have. I don't want to be defined by my story. It bugs me when I'm introduced as "this is my friend Julie, she's divorced" I know that on here I'm pretty open about my life but I feel like through this blog people can begin to gain insight into who I am as a person. I don't want people meeting me for the first time to know nothing more than I'm divorced. I am so much more then that and it's time that I define who I am, not my story.

Last I want to show love to everyone around me. I want to be that genuinly happy person who can lift the spirits of those around me. Service would actually go hand in hand with this one. I don't want to focus on my trials anymore, they made me who I am but it's time I use them to help other people who are struggling. I get really nervous when people reach out for reassuring words but I want to find it in myself to know what I can do, and show them the love they derseve. This year I plan to study more on how to love and serve as Christ did. I have more to give then even I give myself credit for and it's time I embrace what I've learned and spread it outward. I just need to figure out exactly how to do that.

I feel like this year will be a big one...you know when you can just feel that things are going to change? This is how I feel about 2015. It's going to be exciting to see how it pans out.

So farewell 2014, it's been grand and you've let me relax and heal. But hello to 2015, I can't wait to see what you have in store :)