Ayla's Stocking; Creating Memories

It's November! This time of the year is my favorite season. Not only can you feel the joy around you but you begin to think outside yourself and see those in need. This season more than any other you happily serve others. Whether you celebrate Christmas or not there is no denying the feeling in the air. And I love it.

For those who are new to my blog, each year I put together a service project I have entitled Ayla's Stocking; the idea came as a result of wanting to remember my daughter who became ill on Christmas and passed away a couple weeks later. I spent two and a half weeks in the hospital and later the hospice alongside families who, unlike myself, had to spend Christmas surrounded by machines and the knowledge that their child was too ill to be at home like every other family out there. It broke my heart and when Christmas time came in 2013 all I wanted was to be spending it with Miss Ayla. I knew I couldn't so I did what I felt was the next best thing; I served. And that's the way it's been since. Over the course of November and December I will be collecting toys, books, and small items to take up to the Calgary Children's Hospital so they can distribute it among the children who might be spending their holiday season there.

In previous posts I've discussed the impact serving has had on me. And to be honest nothing gives me greater joy at Christmas than knowing that I can help bring a smile to someone's face. Life can be so difficult and painful at times! And often pain leaves you feeling that you are completely alone...if you are reading this and are feeling this way please know that you are not. My hope is, and has always been, to bring a level of joy to families who are at their wits end. I can't give that to everyone but having done this for a few years now I know it makes a small difference.

This year I was thinking about the families' reactions in particular, how they look Christmas morning when they realize the nurses snuck in at night to place gifts under the tree, how the children felt as they were able to "shop" for gifts for their loved ones when they cannot leave the hospice, and how the parents watched in awe as their sweet children who are going through so much pain smile at the surprise of finding something under the tree they never expected. These little things create lasting memories. To have some small part in these families' lives fills me with more joy than you can imagine. When your child is gone and all you are left with is memories I can testify to how powerful those memories become to you. I want the parents to be able to relive that small happy moment over and over and to bask in the overwhelming love they felt for their child that wonderful day. Emotions are powerful. Yes, the logistics of the memory fade but the feeling ... that never fades.

Despite it being four years ago that Ayla got sick I can still remember with clarity every emotion I felt. But even more than that, I remember the kindness that was shown to me. There were wonderful nurses and support staff that at the time I couldn't fully appreciate. One morning I woke after it being a particularly difficult night with no improvement to a pair of mittens and booties on Ayla. I tear up every time I talk about it. During the night a nurse down the ICU hallway thought Ayla looked chilly and so she knit her a hat, mittens, and booties while I slept. It's people like that who made a very difficult situation more bearable. And from everything the nurses have told me that's the exact reaction they get when they give the children and families the things I collect.

With all that said I can't create this alone. I always have had so much support and there is no way to thank you enough for it. This year I have the pleasure of working with justserve.org who will be posting a little about the project and give more information on how to donate if you are in the Calgary region (link found here). I worked with them last year and in two weeks we received more than I ever thought we could, so I am excited to see how it will play out this year.

Here is a refresher on some of the things you can give;

- Infant rattles, rings, teether type toys

- Gift cards that can be given to families (Toys R Us, Walmart, Tim Horton's...)

- Pajamas of varying sizes

- Craft kits (with supplies all enclosed) or small boxes of pencil crayons, crayons, markers, etc.

- Musical toys (anything that plays sounds or music, push button toys...)

- Slippers (children and adults)

- One-size fits all stretchy gloves

- Toques and winter hats

- Books (mostly infant and teen books)
-Board games (for any age)
-Sensory games (for any age)
-Teen items (nail polish, journals, hair accessories, etc.)

These are just some ideas, if you have ones of your own then by all means go for it.

I wanted to thank you again for taking this journey with me. It's been a great three years so far and every year Ayla's Stocking has grown into something so much more than the year before. I know I appreciate the love and support; however I know that the families appreciate it more than I do. Christmas is such a wonderful time of year! Even if you don't give to Ayla's Stocking I would ask that you serve someone this holiday season, it doesn't have to be extravagant but know every small thing counts.

The memories you create will last far longer than the gifts you receive.

Ayla's 4th Birthday Letter! :)

Dearest Ayla Carol Jacqueline, 
My oh my! Can it really be your fourth birthday my sweet girl? It's so hard to even fathom that it's been four years since I brought you into the world (quite to your dismay I might add). And that really blows my mind...four years?! Each year it gets easier. And with every passing year it gets a bit easier. I have my cry then I go on pretending it's just a regular day. 

It's not though and I wish I could find a better way to remember you other then these yearly letters--and let's be honest, they are more for me then you anyway :P. It's therapeutic for me. Once a year I feel that I'm talking directly to you through heaven express. It may seem odd to some but I think of it as more of a letter letting you know how life is going. I would like to add that I am posting this from Denver! It is John and Sarah's reception this weekend (tonight actually) and so the whole family is here. I'm sure you joined us as well. 

Shall we get started? 

This year has been interesting and again I'm in awe at how quickly time has moved! I have grown up in quite a few ways and let's be honest...some things never change and it's hard to imagine me ever being mature enough to raise a child. But that's beside the point. I often think at how you laugh at my life choices sometimes...staying up until four thirty last week being one of them. I'm getting too old for that. 

Throughout this year I learned a lot about myself and how your death was necessary in helping me grow into who I am. I so wish I could have learned these lessons another way...but that was not the plan and I've accepted that. 

I have felt you close in the times I most needed it Ayla, and for that I'm grateful. One of my deepest fears was that once you passed I would feel an empty space where you used to be, to be honest it's never completely healed up...but the moments where I feel that spot isn't so noticeable anymore. It's been filled with love of different kinds. There will always be a special part in my heart where your raspberry bubbles, wise eyes, and chunky rolls will dwell and I wouldn't want it any other way. 

Back in May I attended a Time Out For Women event in Lethbridge. Not only were the presenters fantastic but the music was incredible! I was sitting there listening to the music and could feel it fill my soul all weekend long and I had a moment where I remembered exactly what music had done for me. While I was pregnant, you and I spent countless hours quietly on the couch. My only comfort was knowing that I wasn't alone and that soon I'd meet the precious child who I had grown accustomed to sharing my body with. There was a night where instead of dwelling on my situation I had the impression to play some efy music for you. It brought such a peace to both of us and I knew that you needed it just as much as I did. 

A few months later you were laying in a hospital bed in a coma and according to the monitor there was no brain activity....until uncle Chris sent a few videos of him playing the piano. He asked that I lay my phone next to you and play his music; I did this and there was a second there that on the ECG that there was brain activity. Music always calmed you down. And brought such comfort to you and I. 

I guess for a time I forgot how powerful music was and can be. So as I was listening to David Archuletta, Sandra Tulley and GENTRI I remembered those times where music had helped me feel God (and later you) close. It brought tears to my eyes and I knew that I needed to let my soul soak in those words and notes to break down some walls I tend to build up. How grateful I was to be reminded of those sacred moments. You and I will always share the love of music. 

This summer I spent some time with Charlotte, Emily, and their families. You would think being around children would be difficult but it's really not. If anything it reaffirms that I am still a mother, capable of loving far beyond what I ever imagined. And watching them interact with your second cousins did my heart good. I have no doubts that you visit their children often. I asked Millie if she knew you...it was a very distinct yes. I'm so happy that even if they grow up and forget those moments that I won't. It's wonderful to know you are very much a part of our lives. Charlotte and Emily are fantastic mothers and their husbands are caring fathers. I'm grateful that they allowed me in to bask in those experiences and show me what a eternal family looks like. One day I hope to experience it for myself. 

Uncle Eric is home! And how wonderful it is to have him back. He has also grown in many ways and I'm proud of the man he's become. As the day got closer to when he would arrive home I was so excited to finally hug him again. Families are eternal and knowing that no matter the time apart we will always have a joyous reunion in the end gave me hope. We will always be together and how grateful I am for that! 

He has always been a wonderful brother but the past month I have come to the conclusion that he has grown into a man. The best thing he has done so far was to serve a mission. It's changed him in ways I never imagined.

I took an institute class during the winter semester and it dealt with families and the church's stance on the eternal families. It taught me so many things about myself and helped me to face my fears head on. Of all the things church related that helped me this year I believe it was this class that helped the most. I had some things I buried deep inside and it was time to dig them out and deal with them. It was painful and refreshing all at the same time. If that makes sense. 

Part of the new institute program is that not only do you need to show up, but you must do your readings and answer some questions. It gave me things to reflect on and I'm grateful for all I learned. Sometimes it's difficult to find my place as a childless mother in a young single adult situation. And sometimes talking about motherhood causes tears...not that I am upset but because I miss it. There are other ways to feel a smaller scale satisfaction. And for now those will suffice :). 

There is not a day that goes by that I don't miss you Ayla. And this year in particular has felt very raw for me, there are things that haven't bothered me in years that I think needed one last moment of remembrance before I tossed it away. Just a few moments of "I acknowledge you but you do not control me". Do you know how empowering it is to finally be able to see not where I was, but where I am? It's a good feeling knowing that my life is finally moving forward and those triggers are being dealt with. I rose and continue to rise above so many trials and thankfully I know that I have help. 

As I was writing this letter I had a recognition of how many experiences I have had the opportunity to have in the past four years. Nothing would make me happier then to have been able to keep you here with me, and I'll be honest there are times I feel that life was a little unfair to me. Babies are born every day and their parents get to experience everything that comes with being a parent. And sometimes they take that for granted...I know I did. I wish I would have appreciated every single moment I had with you more. That's my deepest regret...deep down I know you knew how dearly you were loved but I wish I could have shown you more. 

However, there are many things I have been given the opportunity to experience that I would not have been able to had you been with me. I have friends I would never had met, callings I would not have been in, knowledge and understanding that I would never had gained, and most of all the closeness I have gained to my Saviour and Redeemer. I had no other choice but to allow Him to heal my broken heart when it felt that I would never move on from this, that I would never again be happy. Through the Atonement I have moved forward and have become someone I never would have thought I could be. 

You are the best thing that has ever happened to me Ayla. And if I had the option to do it over I would. A thousand times yes. Being your mother has given me more joy then I can express with words. One day I hope to wrap my arms around you and tell you that in person. Time has gone so much faster then I ever imagined but I have come a long way since this day four years ago. I feel that I haven't come too far since this time last year but I know however small the change, it's change never the less. Thank you for allowing me to feel you close. A veil separates us for now. But one day it won't :). 

I love you so much sweetheart, 

Mom 

A Quick Update

I know you are thinking "Julie for someone who wanted to post more often, you are not doing a very good job" and you are correct! It seems that the older I get the more time seems to slip away from me and here we are in summer already! In July no less. It seems with everything in life blogging is the first thing to go. But since I have time to get a few thoughts down I better take advantage of it :).

I am still the Relief Society President in my YSA ward and I have finally hit a place where I feel like I'm successful in reaching the sisters and portraying my love to them. To be honest if I was released at this point I wouldn't know what to do with myself. Looking back at where I was a year ago (extremely overwhelmed) and what I am now I can see how far I have come in all aspects. I used to get social anxiety pretty bad and hated going to activities purely because interactions exhausted me. But somehow those feelings have slowly diminished. I still have issues in large groups but I have come so far since then and my confidence has grown immensely. I love my calling. And love the sisters so much. It's truly amazing what service can do for the soul. My lesson giving abilities have also greatly improved and I think it's mainly because I direct most of the participation to the women, they usually bring far more to the lesson then I ever could and often it's their insights that bring it home for me. What can I say, my girls are the best!

My bishopric was released yesterday and it was one of the hardest releases I have had (the only exception was my bishop was Arles and I were married). I have known Bishop Pierson for four and a half years now. He was there on the high council when Arles and I were going through everything we went through so when I came back into YSA it was so relieving to know that he knew my story...not the bits I share but the bits that I burry deep inside. He understood where I was coming from and certainly helped to console me on nights where my memories were brought back up full force. His councillors Brother Oliver and Brother Olsen were also aware of me and who I was. If it weren't for their love and support I don't know if I would have been able to transition as well as I did.  So seeing them leave was bittersweet, I knew it was time but I don't know if I was ready for it :P. The new bishopric feels right though. In time I will come to love and trust them as much as I have my old bishopric but I am grateful that I gained not only their friendships but their wives as well. They are all very dear to me and I hope they realize what an impact they have had in many lives.

In eight days I fly out to see my cousins in Houston and Portland and I can't tell you how much I have been looking forward to this trip! I grew up only seeing them every few years but as we got older I have seen them almost every year (give or take a few here and there). My family in the states are ones that I always felt close to and that only solidified when I lost Ayla. I visited them a short time after and it was good to unwind and let out everything out, they understand where I am coming from and have always been okay talking about her in the present tense. I believe that she is still here in spirit and she is not truly gone. I'm fairly positive that their children probably see her more then I do and that gives me comfort. Then at the end of the summer all four of us (including Eric) are going to a wedding reception in Denver for another cousin. We haven't told Eric yet though but I know he will be excited to see the family :). John writes me the most tender texts and Facebook messages and so I am happy to meet his wife and celebrate with him.

THEN Eric comes home in 32 days! I have had a countdown on my phone for the past eight or so months and watching the numbers getting smaller and smaller has filled me with more excitement that I can express. Eric has grown in so many ways and I know that the person we are picking up at the airport will not be the same boy we dropped off at the MTC. I am excited to get to know him again and to show him around the YSA scene again. I've already been trying to round up people for him to go on dates with; he is not aware of this quite yet or I am positive he would kill me...or refuse... which ever the new Eric would do ;). But really I am so excited to have him home again. You never know how much you'll miss your siblings until they are gone for a while.

Work wise it felt like this year just flew by quicker then I could ever have imagined! The students I work with and my co-worker make every day an adventure and I absolutely love it. Going in almost two years ago I was concerned that with me looking so young I would not be respected as an educational professional and to a certain extent my age makes me interact a little differently with the students. But I feel I have hit that happy medium; they respect me as a teacher but when they need it I am there to talk to. The next year will be different in that they are renovating the school and so we are going to be in three different buildings so I am not entirely sure what that will look like come the fall, but as always it'll make for an interesting year and between my co-worker and I we will make it work.

As my social media circle grows I find myself more humbled at the words that are directed towards me. Most of the time I have no words for how wonderful people are. I may not be able to express my gratitude in the way I would like to but honestly there is nothing I could say that would show you how thankful I am. Really.  You are all amazing. And I would not be where I am without you. So know that I am so very grateful for everything you all do for me and I hope one day you'll feel it.

Life is busy but I am so happy with where it's taking me!

Sharing My Story

I promised myself that I would write on my blog more often then the nine times I did last year...so far I'm not doing that great but I felt now is as good time as any to write about an experience I had recently.

This year I choose trust as the word I'm focusing on and with that in mind I've been seeing tiny growths within myself. We all know that my calling has helped me grow in ways I never thought possible ...which has been wonderful and something I'll go into more detail later on this year. But there's something else I want to share today. 

About three months ago my favorite blogger Ashlee put up a YouTube video asking for her followers help in a new project she was starting on her blog. She wanted to start sharing other people's stories of moments that they have chosen to stand and the story that brought them to that point. As time went on and I read story after story of women who endured so much I found myself weeping with them and more and more I found myself wanting to share my story. 

Anyone who is a follower of my blog knows all too well of the trials I've been through over the past four years. To be quite honest I was scared to share my story. My blog brings in about 500 views maximum on any one post and the thought of sharing my story with her 33,000 followers scared me. So I put it off. 

Until one night when I was feeling a burst of confidence and I decided to write Ashlee an email explaining my trials and the things that have made me into who I am. The words flowed and in the end I was quite proud of what I wrote; however my courage was gone and I hit the cancel button intending to delete those words. It didn't cancel. It sent. I may have had a minor freak out at this point but in the end I convinced myself that she wouldn't get back to me. That my words would stay forever in her inbox. 

And I thought it would. About a month later though I got an email from Ashlee thanking me for my words and asking my permission to share it on her blog! I was in shock but a part of me knew that it wasn't coincidence that things were moving forward the way they were. So I allowed her to post my very raw emotions for everyone to see. 

The comments started flowing in and I can't tell you how humbling it was to see that not only did people read my story, but that they actually connected with it. My intention has and always will be to share these things from my life in the hopes that someone, somewhere, will find comfort in it. Maybe even see that further down their own road, happiness can be found again. I want people to see that even when life is throwing you for a loop that one day those storms will settle and you'll begin to see why those painful things happened. 

This is where trust came in for me. In that moment when Ashlee emailed me I could've told her no. Part of me wanted to. But I had to trust that maybe there was a bigger picture to this. After it was published people started viewing my blog too (5000 in one day). Admittedly that was a bit shocking to me.  It was one story among many that have been featured on her blog but I am positive at least one of those 5000 readers were touched. At least I would like to think so.

It always could come in handy for Ayla's Stocking this year ;). I actually already have a sponsor so I'm excited for October to come so I can get the ball rolling. 

Back to the point though. I have no idea if this is the beginning or a one time opportunity for me. But I hope that as time goes on that I can trust that if I need to I will be able to share a portion of what has shaped me into the Julie I am today. And hopefully I will continue to grow and have more experiences to shape me into someone even better (let's just pray it is less intense). 

If you would like to view the blog post on The Moments We Stand it can be found here. 

Welcome Twenty Sixteen!

This year has just flown by! It seems only a short time ago 2014 was winding down and we were getting ready for 2015. Now 2015 is over and I'm left to reflect on everything I've done the last year and the goal of loving and serving that I set one year ago. I had no idea that God had bigger plans for serving then I thought possible. I always approach my goal word with much thought and I think I was inspired. 

This year I learned what it truly felt like to turn outward and serve those around me. For a few years I needed to take time for myself but last year I felt I needed to start serving others and sharing my experiences with them. 

When I was called as the relief society president my main goal was to make sure all the girls not only know I care, but I would show them. It took me a bit to get my groundings but as I have visited and learned about each girl I can't remember a time when I didn't feel how much God loves them. I am still working on it but I feel like I make significant progress this year. 

I have also learned that in order to serve others you have to love yourself. I not only have learned more about turning outward but looking inward to accept and embrace everything about myself. I'm pretty great and it's time I start recognizing my strengths rather then my flaws. In doing that, I am a much happier person. It's a work in progress but it's coming 

The new word for this year is trust...in thinking about what I needed to improve on this is what kept coming to my mind. 

The process of learning to trust again started in June shortly after I was called, the bishop asked me how many people I actually trust fully in the ward and I realized I didn't have very many. So this year I'm beginning to knock down my walls again and hopefully allow myself to be completely open. 

Trust can take on many forms but one I certainly need to learn is that it's okay to not be okay all the time. I'm the type of person who wants to reach out and help everyone else, rarely however do I allow others to help me. I think everyone does this to an extent but what I hope to do is allow myself to be open to the idea that there are sometimes I may need help. And that's okay. There's pretty good people around who are glad to assist in any way possible. I just need to trust them enough to share. 

Trusting that I am doing all I can is a big thing too. I've come so far in recent years and gained confidence I never knew I lacked but there are some things I still struggle with. I sometimes doubt that I'm doing enough and I have trouble accepting that I'm doing a good enough job in all aspects of my life. There's always room to improve right? But what I've decided is that I'll be happy with the effort I have put in. Even striving to do this for the past couple months has given me the ability to see I'm doing pretty darn good. 

Last, trusting that I am being led and guided into what I'm suppose to be doing. Whether you believe in a divine power or not I'm sure you've experienced a time where life seemed to just flow naturally and you end up somewhere you never expected to be. This year this may be the biggest goal. I need to allow life to flow. And trust that everything will make sense eventually...even if it's not instant understanding. 

I feel like this year will be an interesting one. I can't wait to see what it will bring. Here's to 2016!