Ayla's Stocking: Illness Can Strike, But there is Hope

This last year has held so many changes in our home. Melissa is in University and moved away for the summer, gaining new independence when she came home, Kaylee is getting closer to graduating high school, and little Felix has started preschool leaving me with more time to reflect. Recently Felix has been asking more about death and often in his prayers either asks for a baby to play with, or asking why the doctors didn't save Ayla and even more heartbreaking; if they couldn't keep her alive, how can they keep him (who has a genetic condition that requires constant monitoring by a team of doctors) from also dying? My mama heart breaks every time my small child vocalizes the harsh realities that illness strikes anytime. 

The only thing I can think to say in these moments is that there were so many people who were there for me during that time. There were tender mercies that looking back I saw, and that even though my child didn't survive there are people that still work tirelessly to ensure not all children suffer that fate. As the holidays approach I am so grateful that Felix has already learned that collecting toys for Ayla's Stocking helps serve those who are sad. We got our first load already and he took out each toy and told me "this will make a little boy (girl) so happy" and that's exactly why I do this; for one singular moment I can make someone smile.

I know I can't help every child. I also can't prevent heartache as the families buckle under the weight of circumstances, what I can do is continue to take toys and gift cards year after year so that I can make sure someone feels loved and maybe even hopeful for the future. 

As a reminder here are some things you can donate. 

       - Infant rattles, rings, teether type toys
       - Gift cards that can be given to families (Toys R Us, Walmart, Tim Horton's...)
       - Pajamas of varying sizes
       - Craft kits (with supplies all enclosed) or small boxes of pencil crayons, crayons, markers, etc.
       - Musical toys (anything that plays sounds or music, push button toys...)
       - Slippers (children and adults)
       - One-size fits all stretchy gloves
       - Toques and winter hats
       - Books (mostly infant and teen books)
       - Board games (for any age)
       - Sensory games (for any age)
       - Teen items (nail polish, journals, hair accessories, etc.)
These are just some ideas, if you have ones of your own then by all means go for it.

This year I plan to deliver on December 17th. I know it's early, but please take time to reflect on all you are blessed with this year snd find ways to look outward. I love you all!

Merry Christmas. 

Take Me Back

I’ve been working through a lot lately and things that my body pushed down resurfaced in an ugly way. All I can think is take me back, I so wish I could turn back the clock to a time before now when I knew nothing of the ugly the world has to offer. 

Take me back to a time where I laughed until I cried, where my worries seemed so hard. Where I went to church and was able to take notes and had no idea why people would leave. I did what I was told, and was happy to do so. I had hurts and pains, but nothing major. I thought that by living life the way I was taught I’d always be happy. I was so free, so filled with joy. 

Take me back to moving out on your own, experiencing freedom and having to cook (or not..). Take me to pulling mattresses out to the tv room with roommates and watching movies, ordering a pizza to yourself and not gaining a pound. Help me remember to laugh as I thought  “I’m not getting married anytime soon! I’ll chop my hair!” And getting engaged two months later. 

Take me to a time where I liked a boy. He was charming and liked me too. Take me back before I realized not everyone has pure intent and some people prey on sweet innocent girls. Help me forget the night I said nothing and blocked it from my brain, 

Take me to the pure joy as I flirted with an equally charming boy. Take me to the laughter and the love we grew together. I so wanted to stay in that state forever. Sharing my feelings and introducing him to my family. The veil that opened for us and the without a doubt feeling this was right. Take me to the time where eternity started in the temple and our love blossomed into new life inside me. Back when I thought the world was only good. Please take me back to the instant before my life fell to pieces. 

Take me to a time where I could see angels. Where God made himself known to me and I felt the love from both sides of the veil. Life was hell but I never felt so close to God. Take me to the moment I held my baby girl and had no idea that I’d only keep her for a short time. 

Take me back to how elated I was as I found that someone could love me in my broken state. Take me to when I met my daughters and embraced them knowing that they would be mine too. Help them keep their innocence. Take me to a time where I felt good in my body and didn’t hate the larger reflection staring at me. 

Help me move past the moment my son came out with a blocked intestine. Help me understand why I can’t catch a break. Help me remember that God’s timing was perfect and little Felix got to spend so much time with Chris and the girls. Help me with peace to know that I'm not alone and that for every hard thing, so many good things have come. 

So here I am. Reminiscing about a time so long ago when I was just purely happy. I read old posts on this blog and try to remember what it was like to be free from my personal demons. I miss that girl. I know, I know, I’m better because of all the things from the last decade but as Melissa ventures out into the world I can’t help but be a bit sad that she too will experience more loss and pain. As if she and Kaylee haven’t been through enough. But as I sit here at 2:30am unable to sleep I am finally reminded that my life is so good. I have people who love me, I have three children here, and I have a husband who yes, is a little rough around the edges, but has a good heart. 

I hope to find that girl again one day and come back to a time where I don’t feel so depleted. I hope anyone else who feels like I do, can also find peace.

Thanks for reading as always. I selfishly do this for myself, but if it helps someone else then that’s great.