This year's Christmas has been different. I knew it would be but regardless it caught me by surprise when Christmas Day came and went just as quickly as it arrived. I love Christmas time and I have always loved the feelings that came with it.
I have to say the highlight of my Christmas Day was getting to talk to Chris and Eric. They both have grown and learned so much; even in their emails I can tell they are changing. But being able to see them was such a great feeling. There wasn't nearly enough time to talk but the fact I could see their faces and hear them speak was wonderful. We even worked it out so they could talk and see each other. It's always so thrilling to see how far they have come! Next year Eric will be home and although it seems like an eternity since he left...it feels like it's been no time at all. As time goes on I'm sure it'll be the same for Chris :).
I also recieved a wonderful gift from my parents; I asked for a picture of Christ portrayed as happy this year. I have no doubt that he experienced our pains. But I'd like to think he felt of our incredible joy as well! And I wanted a picture that reflected that. Lucky for me my mom and dad took it to heart and found the perfect picture. It's encompasses everything I feel about Jesus, one day when we return He will take us in His arms and tell us how much he loves us and how proud we made him. Yes, we may have some things to sort out but ultimately we will be able to rejoice over our happiest moments with him. And that is something to look forward to!
A couple weeks before Christmas we delivered Ayla's stocking. In all my years I have never been so touched at people's kindness. I had people dropping toys and books on my door and running away before I could see who they were, we had handmade gifts, we had more toys then I can count, and in Calgary we recieved more then I thought we would. Every single gift you brought tears to my eyes. And I hope that all those who sent something my way this year know that I can never thank you enough.
I didn't have a sponsor this year but it was defiantly made up for! Near the end of my collecting I got a phone call from a lady named Shanon in Calgary...she got wind of my story from my friend Patrcia and wanted to help. She is in charge of a website called justserve.ca in the Calgary region; the USA have had this LDS funded site for a while but as of January 1st it will be officially launched in Canada. The website showcases serving opportunities, so if anyone is looking for an opportunity or looking for assistance with a project you are working on, you can email this lady and she posts it online for all to see. This lovely lady called me up and asked if she could post my flyer this year...and hopefully work with me next! Not many saw it since the site hasn't officially launched yet but she told me that of all the stories she read, Ayla's touched her the most. To me it has just become a reality and I don't think much of it. But as I've been chatting with people lately they tell me how touching it is to see me turning a horrific event into something beautiful.
This year I was able to share it with my cousin Katie's son. My parents and I took more of a tour role as we walked him through what my life was like during that time. He was quiet but I could tell he was taking it all in. Being an outsider myself before having Ayla ill I never understood that for many people the hospital is their home. The hospital and hospice is a place where you can escape the world and just pretend that life outside those walls do not exist. Eventually you do have to accept it but it's nice to get away for a while to let life stand still.
I was able to show Kail each room and the neat things found around the hospice and hospital. I was a little nervous about showing him the memory tree as it can be painful to think about each of those decorations representing a child who has become an angel. But he took his time and looked at each one. It's odd to say, but that hospital and hospice illuminate feelings of peace and stillness. I had many sacred experiences both while Ayla was sick, and every year we've gone back. Most of them can't be properly spoken. But I know that angels are constantly walking those halls.
I think Kail's favourite part was the fish though. He had fun naming all the kinds and telling us about them. What's nice about the children's hospital is that despite the nature of it, the hospital does have vibrant colours and many fish tanks to admire. I hold a special place for it.
I still haven't made my way down to the ICU. But I'm sure it'll come; I just don't think I'm quite ready to venture there yet. Every year after Christmas life becomes an advent calendar in my head and each day reminds me of where we were at that point. But, the pain does dull with time and it becomes more bearable.
I still am waiting to hear how the toys were recieved on Christmas Eve and day but I have no doubt that just as years previous, both children and parents were able to have some joy. As we visited the nurse informed us that they have had many more families utilizing the hospice this year then ever before, so I know that every little bit counts! I am so grateful to all of you for allowing me the opportunity to feel the spirit of Christmas this year.
Every year Christmas changes slightly but it's been wonderful this year. I look forward to seeing what next year brings!
