Looking Forward

With it being New Year's Eve tomorrow I've been reflecting on the past year, it has been a whirlwind of ups and downs. It's been a time of pain and of reflection. I feel like I've been through the refiners fire and have come out on top :) I cannot adequately describe the range of emotions that I have experienced this past year and I would hope that no one does understand. I feel like The Lord has shaped me into someone far greater and stronger then I ever thought existed. I am who I am and love it :)

My cousin Charlotte makes a goal word every year, it's like a New Years goal of sorts. I have not been good at making goals the past few years. In the past three or so years I think my goal has been to survive, this year however I have a different goal in mind. It's my gift to Ayla in a way, a way to show her that I am grateful for what her death let me do. 

The word this year is live.  

This year has been so focused on the past and grieving the future that I never got to experience, that there were days that I didn't appreciate the present. My life is fantastic and I'm tired of looking back and worrying about what is to come. 

When I found out Ayla would not recover I was heartbroken, I'm not often one to ask why but at that moment I did. Even now thinking about that time gets me panicked. I never want to experience that pain again. But after the pain numbed a bit I realized that I was really getting a chance to start fresh. I would have much preferred her to be right here next to me physically but there are certain things we can't change.  

The best I can do is live. Live my life and be happy with my life right now. Not what is was, or what it will be, but what it is. I think that I have grown quite a bit and I feel as if I'm finally ready to let go of control. For those that who know me you have probably noticed that I can be a touch OCD about things...particularly timing. I like things to go my way. But I'm learning patience :). 

I also know that in living my life I'm on the road to personal happiness. As long as I live every day to the fullest, learn to laugh, and let go of insignificant things, I will get more out of it.

I am so ready for this new year. I feel like 2014 will be fantastic.

{I put a YouTube video up but it doesn't show up on mobile devices so here's the link to it as well}

Let It Go-Idina Menzel

Delivering Ayla's Stocking

I tried writing this post many times and it never seems to come out just right. But I feel like with Christmas fast approaching I need to write my feelings while they are still fresh. So here it goes :)

I went up to Calgary this past weekend to deliver most of the gifts that were given for Ayla's stocking (I have a few items that I'll be delivering later on). How can I describe in words the overwhelming response I received. I was so humbled at how everyone banded together to make a difference in the lives of so many. 

In all I think we had close to $1,000 in gifts and almost $1,000 in gift cards. Not to mention the home knit toques and mittens! It was such a wonderful sight for me and having lived the life of those parents for a short time last and this year I understand how much it means to see that people care. 

I had the opportunity to give two gifts in person to children with handicaps. I am pretty good at keeping emotions in check around others, but a boy made me tear up with joy. The nurse told him that I had brought a gift for him, as soon as she showed him the truck his face just lit up and he started giggling. He was so excited to have the truck that I couldn't even take it to take a picture with the nurses and my family. 

For me this is what Christmas means. It's about the joy of uplifting others. If that's all I received for Christmas, that would be enough. :)

Christmas Season

It's exactly two weeks until Christmas. Do I have any shopping done? No. Do I even know what I'm getting my family? No again. This year has just flown by! I can hardly believe that it's almost Christmas again, if feels like just yesterday that I was buying gifts for last Christmas.

There is something special about experiencing Christmas with a child, even though Ayla was just a baby she brought a magic into the season that cannot be explained. As I said last year she knew what Christmas was all about. And I have no doubt that she knew what the next couple weeks would bring for her. 

During this year I've been trying to reflect and remember why we celebrate Christmas. Yes, giving is wonderful but what about the people you can't give gifts for? I can't give Ayla something physical. I can't watch as her eyes light up with excitement. But there is something I can do. I can remember her life and be greatful thst there was a child born in manger. One who makes it possible for me to see my beautiful daughter again. 

Through this season I also reflect on how Mary felt. Let's not even get started on being in labor on a donkey. Ouch. Or giving birth in a stable. Again, ouch and highly unsanitary. But do you think she fully understood as she held her perfect newborn son that he would not only do marvellous things, but that he'd also endure the most pain imaginable? I have no doubt that she knew but I doubt she understood what that actually meant. 

As a mother you want to protect your child from all harm, you can't, but you want to. How would it feel to give birth to Jesus and know that he was the key to everyone's eternal salvation? It would be a lot to take in. Mary must have been an amazing woman. I cannot even imagine the heartache as she watched him go through what he did. 

I am so grateful for the Christmas season where I can reflect on the birth of the Savior. It seems every year there's more and more thoughts that enter my mind. And I'm grateful for the growth and understanding I gain each and every year :). 

I hope that everyone has a fantastic Christmas and that you find comfort in knowing that even if the holidays are tough for you, that there will always be someone who knows your pain.  

Update

Has it really been almost a month my last post? Time seems to be moving at hyper speed and I don't even notice it until I look back. 

I have been doing great. Being on my own has had it's challenges but this time around I think I'm doing better then last time. For instance, we actually cook! Yes I have eaten real food most nights and it's been lovely. As roommates we make it a joint effort :) we share food which is nice. That way we each only pay a fraction of the price. It makes things a whole lot easier. 

My YSA ward has been friendly, I feel like I'm back home. I was in this ward last time I moved into town with roommates and so I know quite a few people. Even the bishopric is the same. There are also those people who know me and remember me from three years ago. I have found more every week who tell me they remember me or know my story. I unfortunately don't remember some of them but reguardless, I feel like I can be open because I don't feel like I have to hide the not so nice parts of my past. Or even the best part of it. 

Again I have my struggles. I don't know if the ache will ever cease and frankly I don't know if I want it too. There are days where I cry because I miss Ayla so so much. But because I miss her I know that she wasn't a dream. It sometimes feels that way, I can't believe how much has been thrown my way in the past couple years and it's been so fast that it felt like a dream. But it wasn't. I have the pictures and beautiful videos to prove it :)

Doing the Ayla's Stocking project has helped immensely. I feel like I'm serving others and maybe this Christmas I'll touch someone else's life like mine was touched almost a year ago(!) That's my hope anyway. I'll post more on Ayla's stocking on a later date. 

So that's about all going on in my life at the moment. I'm sure as the month goes on I will have more to say on the Christmas season, it means more now then ever and I can't wait to adequately express all the feelings I have about it :)

Moving On

So I made a major decision a couple weeks ago...I decided to move out. It was a pretty quick decision but one I prayed about, and I immediently felt good. Yesterday I moved into my new place, It was so weird to see my family leave and know that once again I'm on my own. I almost felt like a little freshman again. Wanting to move forward but also wanting to not have to grow up. Again. 

I have fantastic roommates and great friends here. I can already tell that this was the right choice :) it's a big step but one I needed to take. 

Ayla's Stocking: Helping Families in Need

So for a while I have mentioned a Christmas idea I have been working on...I think now is a good time to tell you about it. I have called it Ayla's Stocking.

Last Christmas was wonderful, probably the best I ever had! This was due to my beautiful daughter teaching me the true spirit of Christmas. I found joy not so much in the gifts I received, but in picking out small gifts for my little Ayla. She was happy and such a joy to have. 

I will forever be grateful for my one and only Christmas with Ayla. But as you know shortly after that beautiful day, she got very ill and later passed. Being in the hospital during the most joyous time of the year, and realizing that for so many families Christmas was anything but joyous made me grateful for what I had been blessed with. 

Next door to Ayla in the ICU there was a cute curly haired boy who had a Christmas tree up in his room. By the look of it he had been there for many months. I cannot even imagine spending Christmas in the ICU. I tear up thinking about the pain these people endure. 

When I later was in the hospice waiting for Ayla to die I met one family that looked so sad. They looked so drained. I probably did too, but it was if they had no hope left. It was heartbreaking. Their child died not long after we arrived. 

So between these and other experiences I had I decided that I wanted to give to those who are suffering, who may never have a normal Christmas with their child. So in thinking and pondering over this for the past couple months I came up with a small idea, one that I hope will spread and lift the spirits, even for a moment, of these families. 

So I decided to call the project Ayla's Stocking. I am going to fill the stocking that I made for Ayla last year with little stocking stuffers and small gifts, then two weeks or so before Christmas I am going to deliver it to the hospice and hospital, where they will distribute the gifts to families that are there for the holidays.  My goal is to let these people know that there are people who both care, and understand their pain. I want them to feel that they are not alone.

Now for the fun part, I think it would be amazing if I can get as many people involved as possible. I would like anyone who is willing to also participate! I am putting up a stocking at work and asking for donations from families there through the month of November until the beginning of December and I will also allow people to drop off or mail some things directly to my parents house up until December 13 (this should give you plenty of time). 

I talked to Megan Miller, a social worker that I got to know at the hospice and she gave me some ideas of things that could be given:

- Infant rattles, rings, teether type toys

- Gift cards that can be given to families (toys r us, wal mart, tim hortons...)

- Pyjamas of varying sizes

- Craft kits (with supplies all enclosed) or small boxes of pencil crayons, crayons, markers, etc.

- Musical toys (anything that plays sounds or music, push button toys...)

- Slippers (children and adults)

- One-size fits all stretchy gloves

- Toques and winter hats

- Books (mostly infant and teen books)

These are just some ideas, if you have ones of your own then by all means go for it.

If you would like to participate you can either send me a message via Facebook or leave your email in a comment below and I will be in touch. 

I know that this may not make much of a difference but I want Ayla to be remembered this holiday season. This is the best way I can think of. So this is the plan. I am so excited to see how it plays out! :) 

Again thank you for the love and support my family and I have received over the past year and a half. I will be eternally grateful to everyone for their kindness. 

Mending the Ache

Sometimes I have emotional weeks. And sometimes it hits me that when I have my next child I won't get to have the beloved sibling picture with Ayla gazing in awe at her brother or sister. Sometimes I cry and have a pitty party. 

 But then I help a friend, and I feel better :)

There's nothing more joyous then a fresh baby, it helps to mend my aching

Christmas Surprise

In my previous post I mentioned a Christmas surprise in honour of Ayla. I emailed someone I got to know quite well while I was up in The Children's Hospital last year and she's on board with my plans. I'm so excited to get started and see how it will work out :). I'm still in the planning stage so I'll keep it a surprise a little longer ;) 

Happy Monday Everyone! 

Ayla's Birthday Letter

Dear Ayla,

Happy birthday! I cannot describe how it feels to know that this day was suppose to be about you. A year ago after being in labor for three days and a half days (!!) I finally pushed you out, on Labor Day mind you! It was the defining moment in my life where in one instant I changed from a daughter to a mother. 

Today I so badly want to be baking a cake while trying to keep you out of trouble. I want to feel that exhaustion that everyone  Facebook complains about, the kind where all you want to do is take a nap but you can't because your toddler refuses to sleep. I want to snuggle you close and kiss your head, cheeks, and everything else I can get my hands on. I want to be able to reflect on your first year of life and see how you've grown. 

Today I went to your grave, I do this every Sunday too. I try to be optimistic and happy but little angel, I miss you. I also attended the temple in honour of your birthday today, I know that's what you would want. I love it there and I have no idea where my life would be if I hadn't decided a long time ago that I would always go to the temple for me.  When I could finally feel you move and felt how much you loved it there I knew that I would not only go for me anymore, but for you too. I even went at 37 weeks, the ladies looked at me like I was going to pop at any minute! I loved every minute with you there. I know you continue to 'hang out' in the temple every chance you get :). 

I invited some of our family and some of my friends to either go to the temple this week or perform an act of service in rememberence of you. I actually felt happy to have something to do with you today. It may not be the party I had started planning a year ago, but it's the best I can do. There better be birthday parties in heaven! I'll put in a word with Grandma Wood. 

I also have a special Christmas project in the works. It's a bit early to start thinking about Christmas, but as you know, time moves fast. As it gets closer I'll tell you about it. For now let's keep it a surprise. 

Things have slowed down for me a bit, my life is pretty laid back. In a way it's nice, I haven't had this much of a break in such a long time. At the same time though, I wish it would start to pick up again. I think I'm finally ready to open up again. I'm terrified to be honest but I think that I've done all I can do by myself. The other issues I have can only be healed by putting myself out there.

The kids at daycare keep me on my toes, I work with your age group actually. The kids I have this month are a year old as well. You would think that would be difficult but actually it's not to bad. As usual, I love them. I don't think there's a child in the world that I don't love. Some are easier to love then others, but they all make me smile. Working with kids makes me wonder if they can see you, do you visit me at work? Do you tell them to be stinkers? Or that I need a hug? I'm sure you do. I know that you're probably closer then I realize. 

I had an experience last week at daycare actually. I was sitting in the nap room rubbing a child's back (he had woken up and I was trying to get him back to sleep) and he was being pretty funny. He was trying to play peekaboo and continuously giggled. I admit I laughed a bit too. But here's the interesting part, I was thinking about you and wishing I could rub your back at nap time when this little boy looks at the ceiling and started to wave. I asked what he was waving at and he just looked at me, smiled, and waved one more time at the ceiling. I don't know if you were there or not but I think you were. Silly boy almost put me in tears. You and him would have been good friends (maybe you already are?). 

I know it should be me giving you gifts today. And to be honest you've given me more gifts then I could ever repay you for. Truly. I hope someday I can thank you in person. But today I need a favor from you, please help me fully heal. In my mind there is only one way to feel full again and that takes work. Help me through this time. 

I truly am doing better. The small stuff doesn't bother me as much. I don't even cry over you as much as I used to. In some respects I wish I did, even knowing that emptiness would be lovely so at least I could say I remember the feeling. But I don't. Part of the healing process I suppose. 

I still do remember you though, you brought an immense amount of joy that few can understand. The Lord knew when I got pregnant that you were exactly what I would need in the coming months to help me through what I thought was the most difficult time in my life. In a way even your death helped me to heal from that wound much faster then I would have thought I ever could. 

You came and did what you had to, you gave me a hope for the future and taught me what true sacrifice is. So on this day I hope my tears reach you (the sad and the happy). You touched my life more then you know. Stay close Ayla Carol Jacqueline and know I will always have a special place in my heart for you!

Love always,

Mom <3 

When All You Need is a Hug

Sometimes there are times when all you need is a hug. Good thing I have an understanding family :)

Re-discovering Reading

About a month ago I realized that there was a part of my life that was missing. It was only when I thought through it that I realized over the past two years I can count the number of books I've read on one hand. Reading has always been a big part of me, I love being being able to escape the world and enter a new one. It's all part of being an introvert :P. 

I think that between schooling, relationships, motherhood, and grief I lost my love for doing things for me. For a time I didn't have much time for anything I enjoyed (other then bring a mother, that brought me a joy that cannot be replaced :) ). But when I did have time for it I just didn't want to. In a way I think that I needed that time to numb out and watch TV all day. However,  almost three years later I am re-discovering my lost world of books.

I am proud to say that since I realized this I have read eight books. I really did miss it and am glad to be back :) 

Childcare

I love my job. I get asked all the time if its ever hard working with children knowing that I lost a child and in some cases with the same age group as Ayla would have been. My response? Yes, sometimes. But the good out ways the bad. 

I have so many sweet kids, and when ever I have a hard day it seems that the children know. I know that I am so loved by them and it brings tears to my eyes at how special they make me feel. When I am with them I can't help but think that someday I may actually be able to parent a living breathing child. 

Some days are rough and I feel like I am in the wrong profession. I am made to feel like a failure at times. But then I play and interact with the children and know that this is what I am suppose to do. I absolutely love it and can't imagine doing anything else :)

Six Months Later

It's been six months. Six. Hard to believe isn't it? It seems that as time moves forward people start to forget, well not forget completely but move on in their lives. Whether I like it or not I am moving on without her too.Things that I thought we would be doing together, dreams I had for the both of us, decisions we should be doing together, I'm doing alone.

Father's Day was difficult for me. It really should not have been but it was on that day that I remembered where I was a year ago. I thought that by doing what I did I would be creating a better life for both of us. And it did. But I also held onto the hope that in a year from that time I would have a beautiful baby to conquer the world with. Coming to the realization that my dreams of the 'perfect life' was lost in a way. I had no way of knowing what lay ahead.

I am definitely feeling better with where I am as oppose to a month ago. June held so many memories and lost dreams that it was difficult to handle. If I could go back a year ago I wouldn't have done anything differently, I have to believe that The Lord knew what he was doing and still does. Makes me wonder what the next year will hold...hopefully a bit more relaxed. I can only hope.

The past week I dealt with some hard things and luckily I came out of it alright but for me it showed that no matter how much I just want life to stop so I can breathe, it doesn't. I cant really say how the past six months have been other then it's been a roller coaster. Some daysI go through the day and I'm fine But other days I cant stop thinking about her. I so wish I could go back and take advantage of the time I had with her. I thought I would have more time then I did and sometimes I wonder if there was more that I could have done. Taken her more places, introduced her to more people.

I should have been more happy. It should have been enough that I had a true angel in my arms, nothing else should not have mattered. But see that's the perceptive that I didn't get at the time. I was so worried about creating the perfect life and giving her as normal life as any child with two parents that I forgot to enjoy the tiny moments. The laughs and the tears, the explosions, and the concept of just being together. I'm not saying I was a bad mother, I worried (and still do sometimes) that I didn't do all I could. But deep down I know I did everything I could and I think she knew that without her death my life could not truly move forward. I think she also understands that as imperfect as I am my love for her was so pure and so perfect that even in this life I understood Godlike love. In a sense.

All in all I am doing fine. The past month has seemed more difficult. It's part of the  grieving  process I suppose, in some ways I wish it got easier. I am realizing now though that it never will completely heal. I will always grieve the loss of my first child. 

For tonight though I am going to let myself cry. I'm going to allow my arms to feel empty. I'm going to be sad that instead of being a mommy to a cute ten month old I have an angel baby. 

Someday soon I hope my arms will be full again.

Dear Ayla,

You can come back anytime now. I could use Ayla snuggles and perhaps you could even sleep in my bed with me tonight. Please? 

Love,

Mom

Awkward Sundays

I love that awkward moment when someone sees the picture on your phone and says:

"She's cute, is that a niece?"

To which I reply "she's my daughter". *Awkward silence*

"Is she with your parents right now?"

 "No she died five months ago"

*...*

*Turns away and doesn't ask further questions*

I am starting to enjoy shocked faces. It makes me smile.

YSA...again

I write about Ayla quite a bit but I noticed that I haven't really written about anything else for a while. Ayla was my everything, but life is moving on. As it should. And I'm okay with that because I know it's what Ayla would have wanted.

I have started YSA again...it would take multiple posts to fully explain how I really feel being back. To be honest I am not the most positive about it. I wish I was but I feel so out of place there, I sit in church listening to people say things like "I know none of us know what it's like to have a child" or "these people who get married quickly just end up getting divorced anyway. They really should not jump into it that fast" and it bugs me. Yes most don't know the feeling of either of those but some do. I know I'm not the only one. No, I don't get offended, but at times I feel at a loss at to what to, and what not to say. 

I am finding that difficult balance between feeling like I'm hiding Ayla and the divorce, and shouting it from the rooftops, neither of those are what I want. Somewhere in the middle would be lovely. I just haven't figured out where the middle lies. 

I did have an interesting experience the other night though :) I was feeling particularly low (what else is new?) and like no one cares. I know this to be false but you know how it goes. Anyways, I felt like I would have to go to the YSA conference this past weekend alone and I was having a heck of a time trying to get a hold of someone to go with; when I got a response from a friend on Facebook who I know from work I was so relieved. Literally right after I had a cry over being alone she responded giving me her number. I guess prayers are answered. Small as it may be, they are answered.

I made new friends and got reacquainted with old ones. Yes it was a bit awkward but I felt like I still had friends. I hate going to these things alone so I appreciated that there was some willing to take me under their wing and help. It was a good weekend for me to ease back in. It'll still take a while to get in the groove again, but I think I'll be okay.

I was terrified of going to be honest. I tend to over think things a tad bit and so I just kept going over in my head all the awkward senerios that I may encounter at the conference. Most of those included seeing the people that knew me a couple years back, and knew I was married. Obviously I am not anymore...but I found that even though some were surprised to see me, they didn't make it awkward. Those that did know that I would be back also showed their support too. I can't tell you the amount of times that people asked how I was doing, and actually cared! I shouldn't be surprised but I was. I found that a genuine "how are you?" and then a quick hug was enough to make me feel welcome. It was simple but that is exactly what I need. 

So I guess YSA isn't all bad. I'm not terrified anymore and that's a start :) 

Celebration of Life

Today I set foot in the very place where my daughter lived out some of her final days. I sat in a room full of people who have also lost their child, I watched as picture by picture popped up on the screen of children who have lost their life. There were eighty children who died in that hospital this past year. Eighty! 

Every year the hospital holds what they call "A Celebration of Life, Honnoring the Children". It was so weird to be back there, it seems like the time I spent there was a totally different life. One that doesn't even seem like it was real. I walked those halls every day, ate in that  cafeteria  every meal time, I lived there. Walking in there brought back so many memories. 

But even so I realized that in spite of everything that I've been through I am actually doing okay. I do have my days but the happiness is more evident then the sad. I love Ayla. She will always be a part of who I am. She continues to teach me so much and I'm grateful that unlike some of the people in that room today, I know where she is. 

I hope that those people find peace someday :)

On a side note Chris was in Annie this past week as Mr. Bundles the laundry man, and Drake the butler. His personality always comes out on stage and he is hilarious. He did an awesome job! If I had a good picture I'd put one up but mine came out fuzzy. I am proud of him :)

I Am a Mother

Today is Mother's Day. To many it brings great joy and reminds us of the great women in our lives. I'm blessed to have a great mother who taught me all I know. She is the best of the best and I love that there is a whole day to celebrate her. I love her.

But today was hard. Instead if waking up to cooing and maybe even a nice homemade mothers gift. My house was quiet. Ayla's room empty. Instead of picking up my sweet baby girl, I went to a grave to visit her. It was an emotional morning.

I am a mother. I know what it's like to have a little person who brings you more joy then you can imagine. I know how in an instant your life changes, and you don't even mind. Waking up in the middle of the night is exhausting, but when you see her smile when you come in, you smile too. Your whole life takes on new meaning. You would give anything and everything for your child. I understand. 

I wish that I didn't have to be sad today. I know it's not what Ayla would want. She's safe, and that's all I can ask for. I know that no matter what, she will always be mine. 

And I know that what ever happens,

I am forever a mother 

Mom

Monday was my moms birthday. To be honest words cannot express how much I love her, she has been there through everything. I am so lucky to have such a great mother who I can talk to. And laugh with :). She has taught me all I know. Without her I would not be doing as well as I am now. She's the best and I love her so much :) I look forward to continue to be taught by this great woman! 

<3

Laura Dunford :)

I was on Facebook today and realized that it was my friend Laura's birthday. Although I don't see her often I read about her life on her blog. She is fantastic. She was my efy counsellor at one point but she is now my friend.

But as I sent her a message I re-read our old conversation. The last time I talked to her is when I was in Calgary with Ayla. One particular night she brought me some sushi. That night in particular was a very difficult night...it was when we really knew Ayla would be leaving us soon. The doctor had told us that Ayla needed another MRI because of her continued seizures. I KNEW she was going to die. It was one of the hardest nights I had ever had.

Emotions were so high, and that night Laura came and sat with me in my exhausted state. I don't believe that she will ever know how much this meant to me. It was at that point that I knew that no matter how many years has gone by people don't stop caring.

So today I want to wish Laura a very happy birthday! I am so blessed to have her as a friend :)

<3

Forever Changed

Given that this is partly a journal for me I feel that it's important to write all major steps and changes in my life. Yesterday I received the phone call that gave me permission to move on. To close a very important chapter to my life.

To write all the feelings I had in that instant is impossible. I have felt everything imaginable in the past two weeks and for a day or two there I wasn't sure if this was going to end. Patience isn't a strength for me. But after telling The Lord all I want us to move on when HE thinks I should I finally got my prayers answered.

Yesterday I felt everything. Even a couple hours ago I didn't know if I am truly ready. But right now I feel peace. I don't know exactly how to describe it but for the first time I feel...free.

I have no idea what my plan is. Or even how quick things will happen for me. But I do know that what ever is in store is going to make me happy. Who wouldn't be happy with baby Ayla having a say in the way life will turn out? :) I am so excited to see what's in store!

PS: A huge thank you to everyone who cares so much about me! I have felt of your love and support :)

Three Months Later

Dear Ayla,
Can you believe it's been three months? I definitely can't. In a way it feels like time moves so slowly but in another sense it moves quickly, I cannot believe that I have lived three months without my baby girl. Without you.

I want you to know that I am doing ok. I find happiness and laughter in the small things in life. I remember your happy moments and view your pictures and videos daily. But, I am also learning to live without you. Something that I never imagined I could do. Something I wish I didn't have to do.

There is nothing easy about the road I walk. There are days (you know this I'm sure) that I get in my knees and beg for you to come visit me. Just for one last night. I have almost forgotten what it's like to hold you and give you snuggles as you drift off to sleep. I miss this connection with you.

I returned to work a couple weeks ago. Yes it's hard sometimes but to be honest I have missed it. Every day brings new trials but they keep me going. Children got me through last year and I know they are helping me heal now. A hug from my little ones go a long way. They put a smile on my face just like you did.

I want you to know that I am happy that you escaped the evil in the world. Yesterday a bomb was set and went off in Boston. Please visit and comfort the people who are in pain. Last night as I watched the recaps I cried. It was like I felt your overwhelming sadness, the same sadness you had in December when the children got shot in the school. I know that you are so unhappy with the pain these people are enduring. So in way, it's good your up in heaven. From up there you can be with the children who need you.

The past couple weeks have been raw with emotion. Good and bad. But, there are moments, slight as they may be, that I feel the veil lift and I can feel you. Thank you sweetheart. I love you and hope you know that I always will <3 data-blogger-escaped-br="">
Mom

Denver Trip

As you know I last weekend with family that I don't see very often. I knew it would be difficult but I'm so glad I went! I am grateful to Uncle Mark and Aunt Denise for allowing me into their home. I always enjoy my time with them.

We did everything from shopping to playing games. I love it. I hadn't seen them since the summer before Charlotte's wedding. So much has changed! Charlotte has a handsome baby boy named Asher, Emily got married to Johnny (I hope to meet him someday), John is getting ready for his mission, and Sarah is definitely not the 4 year old I met all those years ago!!! Things change but I love that we're family. So no matter what happens and changes we'll always be a family :)

I had great conversations with them and found that as I talked to them I felt like I was letting everything go. I love them so much! I realized that I need to make more of an effort to see them. We may live far apart but I feel just as close to them as my family up here.

A highlight was meeting my dear cousin Asher. As soon as I held him I felt that he knew who I was. I felt Ayla close when I was with him and I know for a fact that she visits often. Before landing I was getting nervous about seeing him. Knowing that Ayla and him were two weeks apart and seeing him might spark sadness in me was a bit overwhelming. I had nothing to fear though. He helped me grieve in ways that no one can understand. He brought me such joy that I finally felt ready to go back to work. It was remarkable.

I loved being in Denver and am so grateful for technology that keeps us in touch. I hope that I can continue to visit as families grow in size. I really do have a fabulous extended family!!

Here's a photo recap of the trip :)

Reflection

The past week has been a hard one for me. Every day it feels like Ayla's memory drifts further and further away from me, and I don't know how to stop this process. It's a natural process and perhaps losing tiny bits of her makes it easier to move on. That way I won't constantly be comparing every child I hold to her.

Yes I talk about her tons but as a friend told me, it makes it easier on everyone to know that they can talk about her and not feel guilty.

I've contemplated Ayla's purpose and my part in the overall plan this week and have come to an inner peace. Ayla was sent here to receive a body. She knew full well what she was coming into, what kind of shape I was in, how I longed to be a perfect mother, the thing is, she came anyway!

She knew I wasn't perfect and yet she understood that maybe I needed her more then she needed me. I don't write much about my relationship on here and not many people know the details. No one needs to know but I find comfort in knowing that Ayla was there every night, everyday and felt every emotion i felt. She knew that sometimes I needed a kick in the ribs to remind me she was there and needed me to remember that she had unconditional love for Arles and I.

I was talking to my stake president this week about how the afterlife will work. He said something that made sense, he said that Ayla never got the opportunity to choose good from evil. That's what the millennium will be for; I'll get to teach her from my own experiences good from evil. Hopefully I'll be qualified enough by then to teach a perfect being.

I can't believe it's been two months today that she left. But for the first time in a while I feel like I can move forward with my life. I had a wonderful dream a couple weeks ago that left me feeling hopeful for the future, and for my future children. I know they are there and I can tell that although Ayla won't be here with them, she'll be a big part of the family. She's a sweetheart and I'm sure her and her siblings, particularly her sister, are having a grand time up there.

I am also looking forward to seeing my cousins this upcoming week. Charlotte has a son two weeks older then Ayla and I can't wait to hug his sweet little body. It will be the closest I've come to holding my baby in two and a half months! I love my family out there, and can't wait to catch up with all of them. <3 data-blogger-escaped-br="">

Lessons Learned

I have so many thoughts in my head tonight. So many emotions. A big change is about to take place and as happy as I should be, I am sad to be letting go of future dreams. It's like I am finally able to take a breath for the first time in two years. In way it's a good thing. Emotions can finally come out. I can let the flood gates open. No more masks. I am who I am and don't feel like I need walls anymore. It's refreshing.

A book in my life series is about to end. I learned a lot and will never be the same. As my cousin Charlotte said once that sorrow is holy. We all need sad books every once in a while. Lucky for me I have had a whole lot of joy too :) Ayla was the best thing that ever happened to me. I can't wait to thank her in person for being my rock and for choosing me to be her mom.

As always thank you for reading. I find this blog lets me reflect and look back on what I've learned. I'm just lucky that people also get to watch as I live and learn.

Disneyland 2013

I know this post is a little late but as promised here it is. Disneyland was fantastic! It made me feel like a child all over again :) I'm pretty sure that its more fun for the adults then it is for the children. This time around all of us could go on the same rides so there were no meltdowns. Well at least none to do with the rides. I had one just because Ayla wasn't there to enjoy it with us. But I bought her an outfit anyway :)

I had so many favourite parts! I love roller coasters so naturally I loved the thrill of all the rides. The only one I couldn't bring myself to attempt was the Hollywood Tower of Terror, I'm not a fan of dropping from any heights straight down...maybe next time.

A ride that I was surprised that I even liked was the Cars Speed Racers. It took us all some convincing but it was so fun :). I also loved the Toy Story Arcade ride. I lost miserably but it was so fun regardless.

The World of Color show was great! I find it so cool how they can project scenes from movies into the water. You'd think I was a child again reliving scenes from my favourite movies. I wish I could upload videos without it taking hours so I could show you. But oh well.

All in all we had a lot of fun and even if Ayla wasn't there I definitely bought a cute Minnie outfit for her so I would feel like she was included. I had to :P

Childhood

Disney songs make my heart happy. Perhaps that's why I downloaded some classic ones this evening. They put a smile on my face :) It brings me back to childhood and to be honest, we all need to feel like a child every once in a while.

Range of Emotions

The past couple days have given me a range of emotions. It seems that ever since returning from Disneyland (more on that coming soon!) I have been missing Ayla more. I look through her pictures at least once a day and slowly, very slowly forgetting what it was like to hold my precious baby. This is quite honestly the hardest part of the whole process. Seeing her die was difficult but even after she passed I held her warm body for a few hours more before I had to face reality.

Now I'm facing real life without her. I can't walk into her room at night and touch her soft little cheeks, I can't hold her close when life gets difficult. She was so pure and holding her felt like I had heaven in my arms. I don't mean to rant on things I can't do but with death of a child, comes death of a lifetime of dreams for her.

Yesterday I received an email from Alberta Health telling me that my daughter was about to reach the six month milestone, it explained all the exciting things I get to see her do. It was hard knowing that my sweet baby is not going to ever reach these milestones.

I put away some of her clothes today. Things that she wore only days before she went into the hospital. Things that I took for granted. Things she will never wear. The sleeper that she wore hours before she died. With each article of clothing I put away it felt like I was finally admitting that she is not coming home, admitting that particular part of my life is over.

I understand that she will always be with me, I do. And I'm grateful that her and I are forever an eternal family. I just want her. It's so difficult forgetting what she felt like and what my supposed reality was. I am facing life without her. That is the hardest part, knowing that my life will never be the same and that my sweet child is not here for me to parent and watch grow. I so desperately yearn for her warm pudgy body. To feel like I am doing my duty as a woman. I know I did do it but in a way I feel robbed of the opportunity to teach her all that I know.

There is nothing like a bond between mother and child. I was the one who carried her for nine months and who felt her body and spirit grow within me. There is no greater joy then knowing that The Lord and you are working in harmony to bring one of his elect to this earth. I am excited for the day when I feel that connection again.

Again I say that I know that her work was a short one and I know I did my part. In a way it's better this way. Ayla will never feel the pain of sin. Or the pain of watching people fall away. She is perfect in every sense of the word. I mentioned that I knew that her spirit was far stronger then mine is, so in a way I knew. I just never thought it would be this way. I just hold on to the gospel, hold onto it for dear life. If I let go of what I know then there would be no hope for me being happy again.

But the great thing is that I do continue to hold onto the gospel and I know that my child is rooting for me in heaven :) she'll be with me every step of the way and although I can't see the future I am positive that great blessings are around the corner. Lets just hope I can relax for a while :P

Thank you for reading this blogpost. I know this one in particular might be a hard one but every now and again I have low moments too. I just try to not get caught up in them for to long. Next post I promise will be happier!

I just want to leave you with this picture. Chris said this is how he imagines Ayla and I will be in the here after. So glad to be reunited again, just like after I had surgery. Those quiet moments that night were so precious to me because the way she looked at me and stroked my gown I knew that she truly missed me. That alone makes me smile <3

Valentines Day 2013

Today has been the best Valentines Day :) I have so many friends and family who love and care for me. I'd like to say thank you to everyone who has and continues to be there for me! I am so blessed in my life <3 data-blogger-escaped-br="">
On a side note earlier this week I said it had been a month since Ayla passed. Today marks the official date. I really miss her and sad I didn't get to spend an official valentines day with her :(, I can only hope she knew how much I love her.

Life a Month Later

Four weeks ago today I held my baby for the last time. I cannot even begin to describe the feelings I have right now. Most days I'm ok but others I lay in bed and just cry. What's the most difficult for me is that I am forgetting what it felt like to hold my own child. After you have your own, it's never the same. I'm grateful for the technology we have where I can look at pictures and videos to remind myself of her.

Today I had a child say with a big smile on her face. "You had a baby!" I know she means well but certain things sting. Driving by the hospital is hard. Driving past the doctors office is difficult. I know it will get better but the pain associated with places will always be there. I dread the day I have to enter the ER again. At this point I don't know how I'll be able to handle having a child again. I will be so happy to hold him or her in my arms. To feel like I'm a mother again. But I don't want to lose another child. That's my greatest fear.

I do know that Ayla is with me always and I'm grateful that I am sealed to her. It makes everyday a little more bearable.

<3

Pampered

I love being pampered. I went and got my nails done yesterday with an old co-worker of mine :) she did a beautiful job. Now I'm set to leave for California in two weeks!

Just Another Week

It's been a week since my last post. Nothing has really changed, I am still somewhat numb and miss Ayla like crazy. Every day I wish I could see her grow. It's been two weeks and when I think about all the things she would have been getting into now it makes me sad. But I know she's here and someday there will be others. Probably not as cute but I hope they come close :P.

I have a couple things to look forward to. I booked tickets to visit family in Denver! I haven't seen them in years. There's been two marriages and a baby since I last saw them :) I'm so excited! I love them :)

My parents also booked us a trip in three weeks! I may act like a little girl when I think about this trip. I'll leave this one a surprise until I can't bare it anymore. But let me tell you I'm so excited to go. And I'll probably still buy a souvenir for Ayla. Just so I feel like she came with us.

Letter

Dear Ayla,
It's been a week since you left, and it still doesn't feel real. I want to hold you in my arms and kiss your perfectly shaped head. I went to your grave today. It was hard to know I won't see your cute pudgy legs for a long time.

I miss your sweet laugh and your beautiful smile. My life will never be the same dear Ayla. You taught me a lot. I will always have you in my heart. You will never be forgotten.

Love,
Mom <3

Funeral

Today Ayla finally got put to rest. As sad as that was I'm so happy that her body is where I can visit often. I miss my precious Ayla but she'll visit me often :) and I know she's free from pain and sorrow.

The ceremony was beautiful. The words were touching. And I was amazed at how many people showed their support. She touched so many lives in her short existence. Even a few cousins who couldn't make it attended the temple. I really have the best family and friends. They are the ones getting me through this.

Thank you to all those who have, and continue to pray for me. I will get through this <3.

Ayla's Final Story

I'm going to tell you a story. The story of Ayla's last days. As said previously I won't share pictures but I want you all to know of my baby's strength. Here we go:

Ayla was happy as could be on Christmas. The happiest I had seen her in a long time. Christmas night however she started fussing and holding her head. I took her in to ER. They checked her ears and said that there was nothing wrong and sent me home.

The 27th she was back to her normal self, smiling and being the sweet baby I know her to be. She threw up. Then was miserable. Later she ran a fever much higher then I thought healthy so I ran her to emergency. They passed it off as the flu and sent me off with a prescription and home I went. She got worse. All night I was alternating Tylenol every four hours and Advil every six. I didn't get any sleep. I cuddled my screaming baby all night.

The 28th I called the doctor explaining that she wasn't improving (she wouldn't drink her formula just very little of petalyte). He said the medication would take a while to start working. She got much worse. At 11 I took her to Lethbridge ER. By the time they saw her her eye was drooping, the pupil wasn't responding and she was in so much pain she barely cried.

Off to a CT scan to tell us what was wrong. It came back saying there was something off in her brain but they wanted to get an MRI to tell us more. Unfortunately they can't do it for babies in Lethbridge. So I called Arles and off in the ambulance we went.

The whole way there I prayed. Not my baby. No. Don't do this to me. It was rough. I will never get the way she looked at me out of my head. Her eyes begged me for help, and I couldn't do anything. We got to the children's hospital and they took her from my arms and next thing I knew she was surrounded by every doctor in the ICU. They got her stabilized and took her for the MRI. She was in a drug induced coma.

The MRI showed that their suspicions were true. She contracted bacterial menagitis. She had suffered many mini strokes. She was in rough shape. But even hooked up to everything she was still pretty dang cute. She suffered quite a few seizures over the next few days and after a second MRI we knew things were not looking good. No amount of medication could control the seizures. Nothing was working.

They did a third MRI and after knowing that she would never function enough to even move we took her off life support. She lived ten more days in the hospice. I am in such awe of my baby's strength. Truly. The doctors said that her body was strong and other then her brain she was very healthy. The last days with her were such a blessing and throughout that time I found a peace of mind.

My beautiful baby girl had a short mission and I know that her little spirit had so much to teach me. She's still here though. I can feel her constant presence and I know that she loves Arles, our families, and I dearly. Watching her pass away was one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with but it's a beautiful thing. She looked so peaceful. I know her spirit can soar everywhere now.

She is mine. Always will be.

Four Months

This was Ayla's last month with me. This is by far the most difficult post I've ever written. Ayla was everything to me. Everything. I will miss her terribly but I am grateful that I had one last month to be with her. I will be with her again. I refuse to put bad pictures up because although it is part of her life, I want her to be remembered as the happy baby she was. It was such a wonderful month :) I love the Christmas season and all the feelings associated with it. I was so grateful to spend this wonderful season with my beautiful daughter.

~She mastered spitting skills finally, and she did it all the time.
~Ayla started to enjoy bath time, she'd lift her legs up then slam them down splashing me in the face. She thought it was pretty funny.
~She laughed in her sleep. It was by far the funniest thing I've ever heard.
~We attended mommy and me every Wednesday, she liked to flirt with the boys.
~Ayla would only nap in my arms. With what's happening now I appreciate it a whole lot more.
~She almost rolled over
~Ayla figured out how to pull the butterfly off her play gym, she would do it constantly.
~One day she tried to pull off another toy that didn't come off. She got quite upset.
~We had our first and last Christmas together.
~She gave the hugest smiles on Christmas, I think she knew what the day was about.
~She finally slept in her crib all night.
~I learned that there is nothing like a mothers love.

My Baby Girl

I sit here awaiting my daughters death. I am numb. I am sad. I am sometimes angry. I am exhausted. I don't know what to feel anymore. But I can't but help be so happy for the past four months. I know every little roll on my little Ayla's body. I love her more then anyone can. I love that I, out of everyone in this world has had the opportunity to give birth to Ayla Carol Jacqueline Tippie. She is mine. Always will be.