Letter

Dear Ayla,
It's been a week since you left, and it still doesn't feel real. I want to hold you in my arms and kiss your perfectly shaped head. I went to your grave today. It was hard to know I won't see your cute pudgy legs for a long time.

I miss your sweet laugh and your beautiful smile. My life will never be the same dear Ayla. You taught me a lot. I will always have you in my heart. You will never be forgotten.

Love,
Mom <3

Ayla's Final Story

I'm going to tell you a story. The story of Ayla's last days. As said previously I won't share pictures but I want you all to know of my baby's strength. Here we go:

Ayla was happy as could be on Christmas. The happiest I had seen her in a long time. Christmas night however she started fussing and holding her head. I took her in to ER. They checked her ears and said that there was nothing wrong and sent me home.

The 27th she was back to her normal self, smiling and being the sweet baby I know her to be. She threw up. Then was miserable. Later she ran a fever much higher then I thought healthy so I ran her to emergency. They passed it off as the flu and sent me off with a prescription and home I went. She got worse. All night I was alternating Tylenol every four hours and Advil every six. I didn't get any sleep. I cuddled my screaming baby all night.

The 28th I called the doctor explaining that she wasn't improving (she wouldn't drink her formula just very little of petalyte). He said the medication would take a while to start working. She got much worse. At 11 I took her to Lethbridge ER. By the time they saw her her eye was drooping, the pupil wasn't responding and she was in so much pain she barely cried.

Off to a CT scan to tell us what was wrong. It came back saying there was something off in her brain but they wanted to get an MRI to tell us more. Unfortunately they can't do it for babies in Lethbridge. So I called Arles and off in the ambulance we went.

The whole way there I prayed. Not my baby. No. Don't do this to me. It was rough. I will never get the way she looked at me out of my head. Her eyes begged me for help, and I couldn't do anything. We got to the children's hospital and they took her from my arms and next thing I knew she was surrounded by every doctor in the ICU. They got her stabilized and took her for the MRI. She was in a drug induced coma.

The MRI showed that their suspicions were true. She contracted bacterial menagitis. She had suffered many mini strokes. She was in rough shape. But even hooked up to everything she was still pretty dang cute. She suffered quite a few seizures over the next few days and after a second MRI we knew things were not looking good. No amount of medication could control the seizures. Nothing was working.

They did a third MRI and after knowing that she would never function enough to even move we took her off life support. She lived ten more days in the hospice. I am in such awe of my baby's strength. Truly. The doctors said that her body was strong and other then her brain she was very healthy. The last days with her were such a blessing and throughout that time I found a peace of mind.

My beautiful baby girl had a short mission and I know that her little spirit had so much to teach me. She's still here though. I can feel her constant presence and I know that she loves Arles, our families, and I dearly. Watching her pass away was one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with but it's a beautiful thing. She looked so peaceful. I know her spirit can soar everywhere now.

She is mine. Always will be.

Three Months

Ayla is three months! She is growing like a weed and I can't believe my tiny baby is getting so big. Her personallity is begining to show through and she's the happiest little baby I've met.

~She held a toy for an extended period of time the first time this month!
~She likes to take naps many times a day

~She grabbed a overhanging toy on purpose
~She got to watch us put up the tree and she loves to look at the lights

~Tummy time is going relatively well now, she can hold her head high above the ground!
~We're still having issues with regular daytime naps. She likes short catnaps and ends up grumpy by noon.

~She giggles all the time now

~Ayla blows rasberries all the time. It's pretty cute

~Ayla is growing out of her 0-3 month clothes. It's bittersweet
~She hangs out with mommy all day and enjoys it for the most part

~Ayla and Eric love to hang out watching sports :P

~Her hair is finally starting to grow in more
~Ayla loves to coo and chat

Ayla at 3 months

Two Months :)

This month flew by! With all the appointments we had it felt like we were on the go. But I love the quiet moments we get when Ayla is in a good mood and we're playing at home.

~She smiles up a storm now :) I love that she recongnizes who i am and smiles at me when she's fed and changed.

~Ayla has been having issues sleeping in her own bed...I try but then end up putting her beside me. not that I mind.
~I love dressing her in cute outfits and I'm pretty sure she loves it...she hasn't told me she doesn't :P

~We've been sick for most of the month but she is recovering well now.
~She got to brave the cold in her snowsuit, she hates putting it on but looks so darn cute :)

~Ayla hates tummy time but turns her head from side to side occationally.
~She's been gaining weight like crazy! She is almost 11 pounds now.
~She has a love/hate relationship with the carseat.

~Ayla has started to coo and tell me stories. I love it :)
~She celebrated her first Halloween

She's the best baby I could ask for :)

Ayla at 2 months

Happy Two Months Ayla!

Yuck

What's worse then having a cold? Your baby having a cold. Lets hope it doesn't stick around for long.

New Reality

I never realized how much a baby changes your life. All of a sudden everything is about her. I don't do things for me without thinking of her first, getting up at three in the morning to feed her has just become regular, I think of myself as a mother first and everything else comes second. But really it feels right. Like this is the way it's always been. Sure I don't get to go out as much or do something with friends spur of the moment. You know what though? I wouldn't have it any other way :)

Motherhood

I was re-reading a post that my friend Megan wrote a while back and although all of it was beautiful this stood out to me today:

"Last but not least... when your whole little body is achy and tired... and you're sitting in a chaotic room amongst a screaming inconsolable baby... and you think to yourself:

"What. the (insert word of choice here) am I doing? How on earth can I measure up to this task? Am I even making any difference at all?"

I want you to remember this: you are making a difference. You are making a bigger difference than anything you could ever think of imagining right now. One day I'm sure that all of us Momma's will realize just how much of a difference we made... and it will be an overwhelming thing. Imagine your greatest 'worldly dream'... mine would probably be becoming a concert pianist or something of the sort; something that you feel would bring you recognition from the world. Whatever feelings of recognition that you will feel from accomplishing your greatest 'worldly dream' will pale in comparison to the sense of accomplishment you will feel from Motherhood. I can promise you that"

Motherhood is hard. Harder then anything I've done but at the end of the day when I look at my beautiful baby girl I know that it's all worth it.

One Month

Today marks the one month date for Ayla...has it really been one month? I can't believe that little baby I brought home four weeks ago is one month old today. It's crazy how much they grow and how much your life changes when they come.

~Ayla is such a good natured baby and loves cuddle time.

~We enjoy nap times together.

~She loves music, even when mom sings along in the car. At least I think so, she never complains :P

~She's very alert,  to the point where at church she stays awake for the whole three hour block.

~She gets the hicups at least once a day.

~Ayla deffinately loves to eat, a couple nights ago she was up at 1:30, 3:30, 4:45, and 5:50.

~After her 5 o'clock feeding she thinks it's time to wake up...

~She's pretty spoiled.

~For the first three weeks I let her sleep with me, but now she sleeps in her own bed.

~She has grandpa wrapped around her little finger.

~I think she's growing out of her newborn sleepers.

~She's still just as tiny as ever.

~Ayla has no patience, she likes to be fed as soon as she wakes up. If I don't get up fast enough she gets very angry.

~She is also the sweetest little spirit I could ask for.

I love her so much and love being her mom. I'm still learning but I can't wait to grow and learn with her.

Ayla at 1 Month

No Julie, You're Not Just Cold

It's been an interesting week this week. Most of it Ayla and I have spent in the hospital; no worries though, Ayla is fine it was just me. Sunday I wasn't feeling to great but I thought nothing of it, I'm a new mom and we're suppose to feel run down right? Apparently not :P All day Ayla was getting upset and not feeding properly on one side so church was a challange.

I got home, fed her, then put her down for a much needed nap (with grandpa's help of course) and I also decided to take a nap. It was wonderful and both of us felt rested after but again she wouldn't feed on the one side and after waking up I realized that something was not right. I tried to express some milk for her and barely anything was coming out. I talked to my mom and told her of my concerns. Ayla was not happy and not getting the amount of food she needed. I was extremely cold (It was 27 degrees out) but I insisted that no, I was not running a fever I was just cold. I was wrong. Things got worse and my mom took me to emergency because we thought I had a possible case of mastitis.

Turns out I was running a fever. A very high one. Normal is 37 and I was at 39 as well as my heart rate was way up so they hooked me up to antibiotics and fluid. It didn't help. So they decided to keep me over night to bring everything down. Luckily they let Ayla stay with me as long as someone helped me look after her, which my mom willingly did. Things didn't improve on Monday and by Tuesday morning I couldn't express anything. I was in so much pain that even the nurse knew that this was more then they thought. So they booked an ultrasound at the Lethbridge hospital to see exactly what was going on. I was so tired of hospitals, being hooked to an IV, and nnot being able to properly care for my child. There was nothing I could do about it but I felt helpless.

I was told that if there was puss in there all they would need to do was stick a needle in and drain it then I would come back to Raymond. Well it was more complex then that. The ultrasound revealed not just one pocket of puss but many of them, indicating that this was not an easy fix. I was told that the surgeons would be meeting with me shortly to discuss whether they felt surgery was needed. Let me repeat that, surgery. I was put in a small room in the trauma unit to wait and after meeting with them they told me that indeed, I did need surgery. Seriously? I have been through so much the past three weeks and now I was going to surgery within the next hour and a half? I could've cried.

They got me in pretty quick and after a very quick goodbye to my mom and Ayla they took me away. An hour and a half later I woke up with a huge bandage on me and different clothes (that kinda shook me up seeing as I couldn't remember a thing :P). But I was finally reunited with Ayla and the staff was nice enough to move me to a room where I could keep Ayla with me. I was no longer in pain and finally I could cuddle my baby. The few moments after surgery where I just held her were so nice. I know it was only a few hours but I missed her so much and being able to finally hold her without causing pain was wonderful.

I stayed for a couple more days and recieved so much help from friends and my parents. I'm finally home and although it's tough and I can't feed or pump on that side for a month I am so grateful that the staff at both hospitals were so quick to find out what was wrong and fix it. My parents were great too, I wouldn't have got through this without their help. Ayla was wonderful though, the whole time we were in the hospital she was an almost perfect child, only cried when she was hungry and made me laugh (mostly with her explosions) when I was feeling down.

I love Ayla so much. Who knew that motherhood would be this rewarding? :)

Ayla's Story

So Ayla's journey into the world was a bit of a longer one but I'm sure it was an interesting one for her never the less. And it was a neat experience for me as well. It's something that people can tell you about but until you have a child you really don't know what to expect. To be honest I didn't think I would be able to do it. But I did and now there's a beautiful baby in my life :)

My labor started on the 30th of August (the Thursday before), I had been having braxton and hicks for months so for all of Thursday I didn't think much of the constant contracting. But this time they were coming regularly, so I kept an eye on them and timed them. They varied from half an hour apart to two hours. At this point they weren't to painful.

I continued all of Thursday night so I thought for sure I would have her Friday. Nope. They continued to be about half an hour apart. By Friday night however they were more painful and got to be about eight minutes apart but again I just kept an eye on it. Eric timed them on my mom's iPad for me. At this point I was doing everything to make the labor progress. Including taking all the herbs I could and bouncing on the rebounder.

Again I didn't sleep on Friday night but the labor was still sparatic. So for the third day in a row I was sitting at home waiting around. But they got more intense and by Saturday night I was in pain. Back labor had started and anyone who had back labor knows that it is probably the worst kind of pain you can experience in labor (almost). They were eight minutes apart but I decided to go to bed.

They continued all night and about five in the morning on Sunday I called Arles and he came over to wait until they were five minutes apart. They finally were at about ten so we all headed to the hospital, where they sent me home because I wasn't dialated enough. We went home and I rested for a while (my contractions were still every five minutes). By dinner they were really hurting so we went to the hospital. They sent me home. Again. They asked if I wanted morphine (seriously???)

I went home frustrated and in pain. I probably cried for most of the evening and by eleven I was in such pain that I really thought I wouldn't make it through this. I had been in 'false' labor for days and was still at home. I went to bed and attempted to sleep between contractions. It didn't work. My mom so willingly helped me through each one, I really couldn't imagine what was going through her head. I was not in a good place at that time. Finally at three I was drained and hadn't even started the real labor yet! I called Arles again and we met him at the hospital. This time I could barely walk. Never had I felt such pain and there was that fear that they would send me home again. I felt that if they did I would have the baby at home (not true but still, I was not exactly rational at this time). But after checking me they found I was four centimeters!!!!!

That's where the hospital labor began. I ordered an epidural as soon as I was admitted and was high on a cloud. I was laughing and feeling like myself again :) I love the epidural. We were all finally able to rest a bit. Arles continuously was making me laugh though. We were pretty excited that we were finally going to meet our baby.

I stayed at four for a while but I didn't mind, I was just enjoying the whole experience. I also enjoyed being able to watch the contraction monitor go way up and then level off. I couldn't feel a thing :). Once I hit five though I had the urge to push. People can tell you that your body knows what to do but until you experience it, you don't really know. So for about an hour I fought the urge to push. That was probably one of the worst parts. I needed to push. Everything in my body told me to push. And I had to fight it.

But when the nurse checked me again I was nine centimeters. One more then I would be on the home stretch. Once she told me I could push I was so relieved that I went right to it. My mom was on one side and Arles was on the other. I went into my zone and fought with everything I had. To this day I still don't know where my strength came from. They told me that the pushing could last up to two hours...I wasn't going to do that. I closed my eyes and blocked everything out. All I said in that forty five mintues was "ok" then nod at my mom and Arles indicating that I was going to push.

It was so amazing and I was so amazed that I had that kind of will power to do it. I was so close and all I had wanted for nine months was to see my beautiful baby. I was so close. With every contraction I felt more and more ready to bring a new life into the world. Finally I heard Arles exclaim that he could see her. Never had I felt such a need to do what my body wanted me to do. I gave it everything I had and finally Doctor Coma pulled her out. This little tiny being was there. I couldn't say anything, I was in such shock that when asked if I wanted to hold her I just stared blankly at the nurse. But my mom answered for me and said yes.

The outpouring of emotion was amazing. Here was this child that I am now responsible for. Arles and I created her. She was finally here. There was so much running through my head. Every day I look at her and am in awe over how perfect she is. I love being a mom. I love that through the entire process my family and Arles and countless others were so willing to help me. I can finally say that I understand unconditional love. I love my little girl :)

My Little One

Meet Ayla Carol Jacqueline Tippie :)
6 pounds 4 oz and 20 inches
I love her :)