I'm going to tell you a story. The story of Ayla's last days. As said previously I won't share pictures but I want you all to know of my baby's strength. Here we go:
Ayla was happy as could be on Christmas. The happiest I had seen her in a long time. Christmas night however she started fussing and holding her head. I took her in to ER. They checked her ears and said that there was nothing wrong and sent me home.
The 27th she was back to her normal self, smiling and being the sweet baby I know her to be. She threw up. Then was miserable. Later she ran a fever much higher then I thought healthy so I ran her to emergency. They passed it off as the flu and sent me off with a prescription and home I went. She got worse. All night I was alternating Tylenol every four hours and Advil every six. I didn't get any sleep. I cuddled my screaming baby all night.
The 28th I called the doctor explaining that she wasn't improving (she wouldn't drink her formula just very little of petalyte). He said the medication would take a while to start working. She got much worse. At 11 I took her to Lethbridge ER. By the time they saw her her eye was drooping, the pupil wasn't responding and she was in so much pain she barely cried.
Off to a CT scan to tell us what was wrong. It came back saying there was something off in her brain but they wanted to get an MRI to tell us more. Unfortunately they can't do it for babies in Lethbridge. So I called Arles and off in the ambulance we went.
The whole way there I prayed. Not my baby. No. Don't do this to me. It was rough. I will never get the way she looked at me out of my head. Her eyes begged me for help, and I couldn't do anything. We got to the children's hospital and they took her from my arms and next thing I knew she was surrounded by every doctor in the ICU. They got her stabilized and took her for the MRI. She was in a drug induced coma.
The MRI showed that their suspicions were true. She contracted bacterial menagitis. She had suffered many mini strokes. She was in rough shape. But even hooked up to everything she was still pretty dang cute. She suffered quite a few seizures over the next few days and after a second MRI we knew things were not looking good. No amount of medication could control the seizures. Nothing was working.
They did a third MRI and after knowing that she would never function enough to even move we took her off life support. She lived ten more days in the hospice. I am in such awe of my baby's strength. Truly. The doctors said that her body was strong and other then her brain she was very healthy. The last days with her were such a blessing and throughout that time I found a peace of mind.
My beautiful baby girl had a short mission and I know that her little spirit had so much to teach me. She's still here though. I can feel her constant presence and I know that she loves Arles, our families, and I dearly. Watching her pass away was one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with but it's a beautiful thing. She looked so peaceful. I know her spirit can soar everywhere now.
She is mine. Always will be.
Showing posts with label unbelieveable. Show all posts
Showing posts with label unbelieveable. Show all posts
1.15.2013
9.29.2012
No Julie, You're Not Just Cold
It's been an interesting week this week. Most of it Ayla and I have spent in the hospital; no worries though, Ayla is fine it was just me. Sunday I wasn't feeling to great but I thought nothing of it, I'm a new mom and we're suppose to feel run down right? Apparently not :P All day Ayla was getting upset and not feeding properly on one side so church was a challange.
I got home, fed her, then put her down for a much needed nap (with grandpa's help of course) and I also decided to take a nap. It was wonderful and both of us felt rested after but again she wouldn't feed on the one side and after waking up I realized that something was not right. I tried to express some milk for her and barely anything was coming out. I talked to my mom and told her of my concerns. Ayla was not happy and not getting the amount of food she needed. I was extremely cold (It was 27 degrees out) but I insisted that no, I was not running a fever I was just cold. I was wrong. Things got worse and my mom took me to emergency because we thought I had a possible case of mastitis.
Turns out I was running a fever. A very high one. Normal is 37 and I was at 39 as well as my heart rate was way up so they hooked me up to antibiotics and fluid. It didn't help. So they decided to keep me over night to bring everything down. Luckily they let Ayla stay with me as long as someone helped me look after her, which my mom willingly did. Things didn't improve on Monday and by Tuesday morning I couldn't express anything. I was in so much pain that even the nurse knew that this was more then they thought. So they booked an ultrasound at the Lethbridge hospital to see exactly what was going on. I was so tired of hospitals, being hooked to an IV, and nnot being able to properly care for my child. There was nothing I could do about it but I felt helpless.
I was told that if there was puss in there all they would need to do was stick a needle in and drain it then I would come back to Raymond. Well it was more complex then that. The ultrasound revealed not just one pocket of puss but many of them, indicating that this was not an easy fix. I was told that the surgeons would be meeting with me shortly to discuss whether they felt surgery was needed. Let me repeat that, surgery. I was put in a small room in the trauma unit to wait and after meeting with them they told me that indeed, I did need surgery. Seriously? I have been through so much the past three weeks and now I was going to surgery within the next hour and a half? I could've cried.
They got me in pretty quick and after a very quick goodbye to my mom and Ayla they took me away. An hour and a half later I woke up with a huge bandage on me and different clothes (that kinda shook me up seeing as I couldn't remember a thing :P). But I was finally reunited with Ayla and the staff was nice enough to move me to a room where I could keep Ayla with me. I was no longer in pain and finally I could cuddle my baby. The few moments after surgery where I just held her were so nice. I know it was only a few hours but I missed her so much and being able to finally hold her without causing pain was wonderful.
I stayed for a couple more days and recieved so much help from friends and my parents. I'm finally home and although it's tough and I can't feed or pump on that side for a month I am so grateful that the staff at both hospitals were so quick to find out what was wrong and fix it. My parents were great too, I wouldn't have got through this without their help. Ayla was wonderful though, the whole time we were in the hospital she was an almost perfect child, only cried when she was hungry and made me laugh (mostly with her explosions) when I was feeling down.
I love Ayla so much. Who knew that motherhood would be this rewarding? :)
I got home, fed her, then put her down for a much needed nap (with grandpa's help of course) and I also decided to take a nap. It was wonderful and both of us felt rested after but again she wouldn't feed on the one side and after waking up I realized that something was not right. I tried to express some milk for her and barely anything was coming out. I talked to my mom and told her of my concerns. Ayla was not happy and not getting the amount of food she needed. I was extremely cold (It was 27 degrees out) but I insisted that no, I was not running a fever I was just cold. I was wrong. Things got worse and my mom took me to emergency because we thought I had a possible case of mastitis.
Turns out I was running a fever. A very high one. Normal is 37 and I was at 39 as well as my heart rate was way up so they hooked me up to antibiotics and fluid. It didn't help. So they decided to keep me over night to bring everything down. Luckily they let Ayla stay with me as long as someone helped me look after her, which my mom willingly did. Things didn't improve on Monday and by Tuesday morning I couldn't express anything. I was in so much pain that even the nurse knew that this was more then they thought. So they booked an ultrasound at the Lethbridge hospital to see exactly what was going on. I was so tired of hospitals, being hooked to an IV, and nnot being able to properly care for my child. There was nothing I could do about it but I felt helpless.
I was told that if there was puss in there all they would need to do was stick a needle in and drain it then I would come back to Raymond. Well it was more complex then that. The ultrasound revealed not just one pocket of puss but many of them, indicating that this was not an easy fix. I was told that the surgeons would be meeting with me shortly to discuss whether they felt surgery was needed. Let me repeat that, surgery. I was put in a small room in the trauma unit to wait and after meeting with them they told me that indeed, I did need surgery. Seriously? I have been through so much the past three weeks and now I was going to surgery within the next hour and a half? I could've cried.
They got me in pretty quick and after a very quick goodbye to my mom and Ayla they took me away. An hour and a half later I woke up with a huge bandage on me and different clothes (that kinda shook me up seeing as I couldn't remember a thing :P). But I was finally reunited with Ayla and the staff was nice enough to move me to a room where I could keep Ayla with me. I was no longer in pain and finally I could cuddle my baby. The few moments after surgery where I just held her were so nice. I know it was only a few hours but I missed her so much and being able to finally hold her without causing pain was wonderful.
I stayed for a couple more days and recieved so much help from friends and my parents. I'm finally home and although it's tough and I can't feed or pump on that side for a month I am so grateful that the staff at both hospitals were so quick to find out what was wrong and fix it. My parents were great too, I wouldn't have got through this without their help. Ayla was wonderful though, the whole time we were in the hospital she was an almost perfect child, only cried when she was hungry and made me laugh (mostly with her explosions) when I was feeling down.
I love Ayla so much. Who knew that motherhood would be this rewarding? :)
8.07.2012
Letter to Baby Girl
I've been meaning to do this for a while but being Julie I haven't yet :P A part of me is nervous to be speaking to a child. My child mind you. But I know that in the future I'll look back on this and be grateful I did. So here it goes;
You already have been a great strength to me. I love feeling you move inside me and know that you are very much there. In times when I'm sad or upset I love that I can just reach down and feel you. I love you so much and can't wait to hold you in my arms. It's strange to think your dad and I created you. This tiny little person sent from heaven specifically for us. I can't tell you the overwelming feeling of responsibility I feel knowing that God has put you here for me to raise you. It's a pretty hefty job but like I said I'll try my best.
PS: Love this song
Dear Baby Girl,
Being your only a few weeks away from coming into this world I thought I should write to you. It seems so strange to be writting as a mother...I don't know how to even begin. Well I guess I'll begin by saying that your dad and I love you so much (always remember that, life will be rough and there will be times when you don't think we do). We're excited to see your little face and for you to join this world. But we're scared too. No one writes a book on how to be the perfect mother, and to be honest I have very little idea what I'm doing. I'm only twenty one :P I take this job very seriously and want you to know that I have and will always try my best. But don't blame me for mistakes I may make.
You already have been a great strength to me. I love feeling you move inside me and know that you are very much there. In times when I'm sad or upset I love that I can just reach down and feel you. I love you so much and can't wait to hold you in my arms. It's strange to think your dad and I created you. This tiny little person sent from heaven specifically for us. I can't tell you the overwelming feeling of responsibility I feel knowing that God has put you here for me to raise you. It's a pretty hefty job but like I said I'll try my best.
I hope to always teach you that the biggest goal in life is the temple. I have found so much strength and power from attending the temple and I hope you will too. Even from the begining I have always felt closest to you inside that beautiful house. That's where you want to be my little one. I hope to not only tell you this often but show you through my actions.
You have many people who already love you. Uncle Eric likes to feel my belly (you?? I don't know what's my space anymore. You are in my body right now so he's trying to feel you but it's through me). Uncle Chris tried to give you Teddy Grahams the other day. You kick them off my belly. Grandma and Grandpa O'Brien like to watch you move too. Grandma can't wait to show you fireworks...you didn't really like them before you were born...dad's games made you jump as well :P. Dad is about the only one who can calm you down. You respond to his touch in way that you don't respond to me. He loves you baby girl and loves to read stories to you :). You have family in BC who also love you very much. They're pretty excited to meet you. You'll be loved by everyone.
Now for more advice. Be strong; this world is a scary one and there are people here and on the other side who will try to lead you astray. They will do anything to have you, try any means to make you fail on this journey, but I have felt of your sprit and know that you are far stronger then I am. There may be people wanting you to fail but there are far more wanting you to succeed :) You can do it. I know you can. Just remember that God is always here for all of us, he will never abandon you.
I don't really know what else to tell you right now but I'm sure as we get older I'll have much more to say to you :P. Much of it will probably be ignored but that's ok. I'll still say it anyway. I can't wait to see you! I bought some starter up shoes for you, so no worries about that :P You'll love them. Anyway there's my letter to you. Hope to see you within the next two weeks(!!)
Love,
Mom
Lyrics:
Sent to this earth
You were saved through the ages
for this day and time
Child of great worth
Child of promise, daughter of the Divine
Pure and holy in a little, white dress
You were held in a circle
and you were blessed
Chorus:
And the Father looked down
And the angels surrounded that place
They knew the truth, all that you could do
And you will, too, if you have eyes to see
What heaven sees in you
Dressed in white once more
Making promises to follow in God's way
So much lies in store
For the little girl who enters at the gate
Pure and holy in a little, white dress
You were led into the water and you were blessed
Repeat Chorus
Do you understand who you are
Part of the Father lives in you
If you continue on this path
Every promise God has given will come true
Heaven on earth
In the house of God, so much fills your heart
and mind
Woman of great worth
Woman of promise, daughter of the Divine
Pure and holy in a long, white dress
You promise forever and you are blessed
And the Father looks down
And the angels surround that place
They know the truth, all that you can do
And you do, too, 'cause you have eyes to see
what heaven sees in you
Will you have eyes to see
What heaven sees in you
*This song is by Mindy Gledhill
Sent to this earth
You were saved through the ages
for this day and time
Child of great worth
Child of promise, daughter of the Divine
Pure and holy in a little, white dress
You were held in a circle
and you were blessed
Chorus:
And the Father looked down
And the angels surrounded that place
They knew the truth, all that you could do
And you will, too, if you have eyes to see
What heaven sees in you
Dressed in white once more
Making promises to follow in God's way
So much lies in store
For the little girl who enters at the gate
Pure and holy in a little, white dress
You were led into the water and you were blessed
Repeat Chorus
Do you understand who you are
Part of the Father lives in you
If you continue on this path
Every promise God has given will come true
Heaven on earth
In the house of God, so much fills your heart
and mind
Woman of great worth
Woman of promise, daughter of the Divine
Pure and holy in a long, white dress
You promise forever and you are blessed
And the Father looks down
And the angels surround that place
They know the truth, all that you can do
And you do, too, 'cause you have eyes to see
what heaven sees in you
Will you have eyes to see
What heaven sees in you
*This song is by Mindy Gledhill
1.02.2012
Soundtrack
So as you know I love music. So much. And this post has been in the process for a while, I’ve been trying to comprise a list of songs that describe my life in the past year through music. I think I’ve finally got it :P So here you go;
1. I Gotta Feeling-Black Eyed Peas
2. Crush- David Archuleta
3. Merry Go Round-Suzie Mcneil
4. A Little Bit Stronger- Sara Evans
5. When I Look At you- Miley Cyrus (Yes I know what you’re all thinking…really Julie, really?? :P)
6. Just So you Know-Jesse McCartney
7. Love Story- Taylor Swift
8. Marry You- Bruno Mars
9. Just A Kiss-Lady Antebellum
10. Letters to Juliet Instrumental Song
11. Ours-Taylor Swift
12. I’ll Be- Edwin McCain
13. Here in Your Arms- Hellogoodbye
14. I Wanna Party- Rio Soundtrack
15. Love Story/Viva la Vida- Jon Schmidt
Sorry about all the love songs :P what can I say, my life has been a romantic comedy. You know the ones filled with cheesy lines and lots of laughter? Yup it’s one of those. There are so many funny moments that we have had. Especially with my Christmas obsession…Arles makes fun of me. At one point I was setting up the tree and listening to Christmas music when Arles starts to sing the wrong lyrics and off tune might I add. It was something about farts..anway so I turned to him and said “Don’t ruin this for me!” After which I closed my eyes and rocked to the beat of the music…he found it quite hilarious. Other nights we talk in our sleep. Apparently Arles was buying a sweater that was too small. I told him off while he was awake and I was sleeping. Oops :P. I could go on and on but I’m sure no one else finds them funny. Last year was filled with excitment and I know this year will be just as exciting :)
1. I Gotta Feeling-Black Eyed Peas
2. Crush- David Archuleta
3. Merry Go Round-Suzie Mcneil
4. A Little Bit Stronger- Sara Evans
5. When I Look At you- Miley Cyrus (Yes I know what you’re all thinking…really Julie, really?? :P)
6. Just So you Know-Jesse McCartney
7. Love Story- Taylor Swift
8. Marry You- Bruno Mars
9. Just A Kiss-Lady Antebellum
10. Letters to Juliet Instrumental Song
11. Ours-Taylor Swift
12. I’ll Be- Edwin McCain
13. Here in Your Arms- Hellogoodbye
14. I Wanna Party- Rio Soundtrack
15. Love Story/Viva la Vida- Jon Schmidt
Sorry about all the love songs :P what can I say, my life has been a romantic comedy. You know the ones filled with cheesy lines and lots of laughter? Yup it’s one of those. There are so many funny moments that we have had. Especially with my Christmas obsession…Arles makes fun of me. At one point I was setting up the tree and listening to Christmas music when Arles starts to sing the wrong lyrics and off tune might I add. It was something about farts..anway so I turned to him and said “Don’t ruin this for me!” After which I closed my eyes and rocked to the beat of the music…he found it quite hilarious. Other nights we talk in our sleep. Apparently Arles was buying a sweater that was too small. I told him off while he was awake and I was sleeping. Oops :P. I could go on and on but I’m sure no one else finds them funny. Last year was filled with excitment and I know this year will be just as exciting :)
3.11.2011
Looking Up
Today has already been great :) Although I went to bed at four this morning (ooops...) I woke up so excited for the day. Mostly because I have been planning all week to wear a dress, but I couldn't earlier this week due to practicum :P. I loved it though, dresses make me feel happier. I don't know why but what you wear often defines your mood, so when I put on a cute dress I feel good and therefore my mood is lightened as well.
Tonight I went to my parents for dinner and although my mom and dad left for the temple I had a great conversation with my mom. I am so happy that I have that kind of relationship, the kind where we can discuss anything and she listens and understands me. I also LOVE how much my parents attend the temple, because of them I have had grown up with a love and yearning for going inside to be sealed like they are. We can be an eternal family because of the decisions they have made. I love them.
I got to watch A Walk to Remember tonight, I forgot how much I love this movie. It may be an older one but it still makes me cry. I like how it's a simple love story, no sex, no uneeded making out, hardly any swearing, it's just a sweet simple love story. I would recomend it for all ages (if you haven't already seen it). Also my visiting teachers are taking me to the dance tonight so I don't have to go alone. It's amazing how when I felt the most alone the Lord provided me with visiting teachers to make me feel included in my ward. I am so happy today.
This week I have been so happy, even with school and assignments I feel great. It's been a long time since I've felt this way. Even with a million things to do this weekend I feel...joyous, I am so happy with where I am in life. I'll admit one month ago I didn't know how I would get through the rest of the semester but things started turning around two weeks ago, I started to feel like myself again. If anything I am stronger then I was and I have a better sense of what I want. I've rounded the corner, no looking back :). It's funny how once you start doing things such as paying your tithing and attending FHE things immediently start getting better. I can't wait to see what other blessings are in store because it seems that after the biggest storms comes the largest blessings.
Tonight I went to my parents for dinner and although my mom and dad left for the temple I had a great conversation with my mom. I am so happy that I have that kind of relationship, the kind where we can discuss anything and she listens and understands me. I also LOVE how much my parents attend the temple, because of them I have had grown up with a love and yearning for going inside to be sealed like they are. We can be an eternal family because of the decisions they have made. I love them.
I got to watch A Walk to Remember tonight, I forgot how much I love this movie. It may be an older one but it still makes me cry. I like how it's a simple love story, no sex, no uneeded making out, hardly any swearing, it's just a sweet simple love story. I would recomend it for all ages (if you haven't already seen it). Also my visiting teachers are taking me to the dance tonight so I don't have to go alone. It's amazing how when I felt the most alone the Lord provided me with visiting teachers to make me feel included in my ward. I am so happy today.
This week I have been so happy, even with school and assignments I feel great. It's been a long time since I've felt this way. Even with a million things to do this weekend I feel...joyous, I am so happy with where I am in life. I'll admit one month ago I didn't know how I would get through the rest of the semester but things started turning around two weeks ago, I started to feel like myself again. If anything I am stronger then I was and I have a better sense of what I want. I've rounded the corner, no looking back :). It's funny how once you start doing things such as paying your tithing and attending FHE things immediently start getting better. I can't wait to see what other blessings are in store because it seems that after the biggest storms comes the largest blessings.
2.02.2011
Our Home :)
So I came home yesterday and Kim had 'the look' in her eyes...the look like she was going to suggest we do something with our house, something that would be really hard to say no to. Well as you can see I said yes. But it was so worth it! Kalina, Kim, and I had the best time putting some nice touches to our already pretty cute home. Pictures don't really do it justice but here's a photo tour:
 |
| Our shelf, not new but notice we have a couple of frames filled as well as some books put on the shelf. |
 |
| A tree to make that area look cuter (and cover up the plugs hooking into the back of our TV) |
 |
| This is my favorite room now, who would've thought of putting a picture in the bathroom? But seriously it's so cool. |
 |
| Kim added these in the window in the bathroom, so we have a beachy type thing going on. |
 |
| Bobbi gave us this picture and it matched our travel theme perfect! (notice the clock that says London?) As well the lettering on the side is a nice touch :) |
 |
| Just a cute picture, Kalina pretty much finds the sweetest photos :) |
 |
| A palm tree in the kitchen |
 |
| Kim put this one together, it's pretty fantastic in person. |
There you have it, we always seem to be adding more but our house is looking more and more like a home. I love it and I love us :)
4.20.2009
Hasn't Set In
I can't believe that I have been to Europe...everything just seems so sureal, I saw so many cool things and tasted the best pasta in the world and I even threw a coin in the Trevi fountain. I still can't believe that I've seen everything that I have, and it probably will take me a while for everything to set in. So instead of talking about my experiences because there are so many to name I'll just show you through pictures with some captions:
Here's one of the Efile Tower, we didn't get to go up it because it was on strike but it was cool to see it up close.
This is Notre Dame, we didn't have time to go inside but looking at it was enough for me
This was at the Juno Beach Cemetery, this was one of the parts of the trip that I actually teared up, for those that don't know Juno Beach was one of the most significant battles for Canadians because we lost so many people, and seeing the number of graves there was pretty powerful.
The Arc de Triomphe
Me standing by the Louvre
A church in Florence built many years ago, it was huge!!! and Florence was by far my favorite part, I am going back to Italy someday I swear!!
I just wanted to show you how green Italy was :D
Yes this is defiantly the Coliseum...it's so pretty and amazingly beautiful
This is the inside of the Coliseum
I almost cried standing here, this is the Trevi Fountain...it looked so gorgeous and especially at night!!!! I loved this night, we walked around the city at night and everything was so pretty I could hardly believe it!!
After visiting the Vatican City we were in St. Peter's Square and we saw the Pope!!! here's the one in the middle.
Ok so that's a taste of what I saw in Europe, it was definatly a life changing experience and I hope that I can go again some day.
Here's one of the Efile Tower, we didn't get to go up it because it was on strike but it was cool to see it up close.
This is Notre Dame, we didn't have time to go inside but looking at it was enough for me 
This was at the Juno Beach Cemetery, this was one of the parts of the trip that I actually teared up, for those that don't know Juno Beach was one of the most significant battles for Canadians because we lost so many people, and seeing the number of graves there was pretty powerful. 
Me standing by the Louvre 
A church in Florence built many years ago, it was huge!!! and Florence was by far my favorite part, I am going back to Italy someday I swear!! 
I just wanted to show you how green Italy was :D
Yes this is defiantly the Coliseum...it's so pretty and amazingly beautiful 
This is the inside of the Coliseum 
I almost cried standing here, this is the Trevi Fountain...it looked so gorgeous and especially at night!!!! I loved this night, we walked around the city at night and everything was so pretty I could hardly believe it!!
After visiting the Vatican City we were in St. Peter's Square and we saw the Pope!!! here's the one in the middle.Ok so that's a taste of what I saw in Europe, it was definatly a life changing experience and I hope that I can go again some day.
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