Ten Years of Ayla's Stocking!

Where has the time gone? I feel like the summer just ended and here we are in full fledged winter. I've seen Christmas lights up, parties being advertised and already every weekend in November is accounted for.  This year hits different for me, for the last two Christmas' covid has claimed so much joy and happiness so the thought of having a normal Christmas makes me feel like there is hope again. I am fully aware that things may never be 'normal' again, but I'll take what I get. 

This year marks ten Christmas' of collecting toys for the hospice. Ten years ago I had a newborn and now I continue to celebrate her in anyway I can. What started as something to help me get through the holidays has become my favorite part of Christmas. I am not the Julie that I was all those years ago. I have scars and also a family to share this with. For me, this was always the point, I wanted my kids to know that they had a beautiful sister who unfortunately can't reside earth-side with us, but none the less, she is part of the family. My little Felix frequently talks about baby Ayla in heaven and I"m so excited that he will be able to take part in this wonderful tradition. My two older ones are always excited to help me organize and pack the car. The first year we were married Kaylee and Melissa came with me, but since then, they haven't been able to set foot in the hospice. 

As always here is a refresher of what I do. Every year I collect toys, books, and clothes for the hospice to deliver to families staying there through the holidays. My hope is and has always been to bring a smile to faces that may not always feel seen. Being in the hospice can feel very isolating and I am happy to let families know that someone cares about them and their pain.

As a reminder here are some things you can donate. 

       - Infant rattles, rings, teether type toys

       - Gift cards that can be given to families (Toys R Us, Walmart, Tim Horton's...)

       - Pajamas of varying sizes

       - Craft kits (with supplies all enclosed) or small boxes of pencil crayons, crayons, markers, etc.

       - Musical toys (anything that plays sounds or music, push button toys...)

       - Slippers (children and adults)

       - One-size fits all stretchy gloves

       - Toques and winter hats

       - Books (mostly infant and teen books)

       - Board games (for any age)

       - Sensory games (for any age)

       - Teen items (nail polish, journals, hair accessories, etc.)

These are just some ideas, if you have ones of your own then by all means go for it.

I'll be collecting until December 19th.  I'm always in awe over how wonderful you all are to me. Even if you can't donate, find a way to serve this year, we all need a little extra love <3

Dear 2012 Julie

Dear 2012 Julie, 

I know in this picture you are thinking that life can’t get any worse. You’re scared and you don’t know what life holds, I’m sorry to tell you, but it’ll get a lot worse for a while. You’re going to question everything Julie and there will be times you think your heart can’t handle anymore heartbreak. It’ll feel like you are breathing but not alive, that if you could only stop crying and start feeling nothing, it would be better than feeling everything. 

You are compassionate and see the best in people when no one else can. Yes, feeling numb does feel good but it’s not what life is meant to be. That bump right there will be the reason you keep feeling, keep fighting, and eventually, the reason you leave that home that still haunts your dreams. Ayla is her name, she’s stubborn, sweet, and shockingly aware for a baby. She knows you need her and with every kick you realize more and more that you can’t succumb to the darkness. Keep going to the temple and keep remembering that those promises you are keeping are protecting her from the devils that try to possess you. 

There are so many scary moments ahead and I guarantee that you will feel what Joseph felt in the grove, hell pulling you into the darkness. But on the flip side you will never be closer to God and the moments that you are the most afraid, are the times they will be there the most. Hold tight to those experiences, they will mean everything to you in the future. 

Enough of the hard parts. There is so much joy not long from now, it won’t be with the man you are trying to save, but with another man who is everything you need. No one is perfect but he cares, and he is well worth the wait. When Ayla is born you’ll want to find someone who will help you raise her in the gospel and to protect you both. He will be that. He will never meet Ayla but know that she is just as excited as you to one day be part of an eternal family who all will love each other. There will be other children who will make you feel whole again. Just hold on a little longer. I promise you’ll have everything you ever wanted. 

So remember that even though things are bleak and you have lots of healing ahead, that you will move on. And you will be okay. I know in this picture it doesn’t feel that way, but you will, and you are far stronger than you feel. I love that woman because she is the start of why you are the person you are today. 

Continue to smile dear Julie. 

Love, 

2022 Julie 

Sigh...2022 Already?

 I've been pretty quiet on here and the posts I usually keep up with like Ayla'a birthday letter, an overview of how Ayla's Stocking went, or my usual post about my word for the new year have fallen by the way side. Every time I went to write something I would start but I just could never finish. It's not that I don't enjoy blogging anymore or that I have nothing to say, but finally today I think I figured it out. I'm tired. 

I don't have to tell you how draining the last two years have been because we all have experienced it. I don't have to say how robbed I have felt because we all have made sacrifices. I also don't have to write my opinions out boldly because we all have our own. Mainly I'm just tired of all of it. I hate that the mother I have become is one of constant anxiety and tears. I crave interactions and over the last two years I have experienced first hand how tough it can get when you can't reach out. All of us in some way are struggling but when we are all struggling who has the energy to reach out to help others? 

Look on the instagram highlight reel full of snippets of other's lives. You see a tiny piece of their reality and I know I'm guilty of this too, I show the happy moments "look how great I'm doing!" "see how happy we are at home?!" "I picked up this new skill with all the extra time". But we don't show the mental health issues that have come from the lack of socialization, the moments where our kids cry when yet another important moment can't be shared, or even how my youngest child thinks this is all normal; all the hoops we jump through, the masks, the panicked look of another parent when you get too close, he even knows that we have to stand on the predetermined dots at the store! 

What started as a few weeks has turned into a new reality and with every new restriction I have felt myself fall deeper and deeper into the mindset that I will never have my life back to what it was. I don't want to come across as ungrateful because I know that my son is safe because rules were put in place to keep him healthy but it's so hard to watch him grow up thinking that playing with others is risky. I have watched my teens get more and more frustrated that they can't just be kids and hang out with friends. Melissa is in high school and just yesterday took her first final since grade 7. Kaylee has her own struggles that are not mine to share but it just hurts my mom heart to see all this unfold and know you can do nothing but push on in the hopes that you are shaping them into good hard working kids who will become resilient adults. I just hate watching them grow up in front of a computer screen instead of in the real world. Is this what it's come to, that everything from school to church is done virtually now? That a book club can't meet in a home but at the local coffee shop is okay? I am just mentally exhausted from trying to justify to my kids why one thing is safe and another is not, while at the same time trying to keep them from becoming bitter about all the rules because once you start down that road it's hard to see past it and soon you don't see the joy at all. If someone has figured out how to do all this let me know. 

I know this is a depressing post but I just wanted to be honest as I have always been. I really am doing alright but I am putting this out there so hopefully other parents know they are not alone. I just pray that through all this we can see how important we are to each other. I look forward to the day that I can give a hug without a second thought. 

Let's hope this year unfolds into something wonderful :).