When All You Need is a Hug

Sometimes there are times when all you need is a hug. Good thing I have an understanding family :)

Re-discovering Reading

About a month ago I realized that there was a part of my life that was missing. It was only when I thought through it that I realized over the past two years I can count the number of books I've read on one hand. Reading has always been a big part of me, I love being being able to escape the world and enter a new one. It's all part of being an introvert :P. 

I think that between schooling, relationships, motherhood, and grief I lost my love for doing things for me. For a time I didn't have much time for anything I enjoyed (other then bring a mother, that brought me a joy that cannot be replaced :) ). But when I did have time for it I just didn't want to. In a way I think that I needed that time to numb out and watch TV all day. However,  almost three years later I am re-discovering my lost world of books.

I am proud to say that since I realized this I have read eight books. I really did miss it and am glad to be back :) 

Childcare

I love my job. I get asked all the time if its ever hard working with children knowing that I lost a child and in some cases with the same age group as Ayla would have been. My response? Yes, sometimes. But the good out ways the bad. 

I have so many sweet kids, and when ever I have a hard day it seems that the children know. I know that I am so loved by them and it brings tears to my eyes at how special they make me feel. When I am with them I can't help but think that someday I may actually be able to parent a living breathing child. 

Some days are rough and I feel like I am in the wrong profession. I am made to feel like a failure at times. But then I play and interact with the children and know that this is what I am suppose to do. I absolutely love it and can't imagine doing anything else :)

Six Months Later

It's been six months. Six. Hard to believe isn't it? It seems that as time moves forward people start to forget, well not forget completely but move on in their lives. Whether I like it or not I am moving on without her too.Things that I thought we would be doing together, dreams I had for the both of us, decisions we should be doing together, I'm doing alone.

Father's Day was difficult for me. It really should not have been but it was on that day that I remembered where I was a year ago. I thought that by doing what I did I would be creating a better life for both of us. And it did. But I also held onto the hope that in a year from that time I would have a beautiful baby to conquer the world with. Coming to the realization that my dreams of the 'perfect life' was lost in a way. I had no way of knowing what lay ahead.

I am definitely feeling better with where I am as oppose to a month ago. June held so many memories and lost dreams that it was difficult to handle. If I could go back a year ago I wouldn't have done anything differently, I have to believe that The Lord knew what he was doing and still does. Makes me wonder what the next year will hold...hopefully a bit more relaxed. I can only hope.

The past week I dealt with some hard things and luckily I came out of it alright but for me it showed that no matter how much I just want life to stop so I can breathe, it doesn't. I cant really say how the past six months have been other then it's been a roller coaster. Some daysI go through the day and I'm fine But other days I cant stop thinking about her. I so wish I could go back and take advantage of the time I had with her. I thought I would have more time then I did and sometimes I wonder if there was more that I could have done. Taken her more places, introduced her to more people.

I should have been more happy. It should have been enough that I had a true angel in my arms, nothing else should not have mattered. But see that's the perceptive that I didn't get at the time. I was so worried about creating the perfect life and giving her as normal life as any child with two parents that I forgot to enjoy the tiny moments. The laughs and the tears, the explosions, and the concept of just being together. I'm not saying I was a bad mother, I worried (and still do sometimes) that I didn't do all I could. But deep down I know I did everything I could and I think she knew that without her death my life could not truly move forward. I think she also understands that as imperfect as I am my love for her was so pure and so perfect that even in this life I understood Godlike love. In a sense.

All in all I am doing fine. The past month has seemed more difficult. It's part of the  grieving  process I suppose, in some ways I wish it got easier. I am realizing now though that it never will completely heal. I will always grieve the loss of my first child. 

For tonight though I am going to let myself cry. I'm going to allow my arms to feel empty. I'm going to be sad that instead of being a mommy to a cute ten month old I have an angel baby. 

Someday soon I hope my arms will be full again.

Dear Ayla,

You can come back anytime now. I could use Ayla snuggles and perhaps you could even sleep in my bed with me tonight. Please? 

Love,

Mom

Awkward Sundays

I love that awkward moment when someone sees the picture on your phone and says:

"She's cute, is that a niece?"

To which I reply "she's my daughter". *Awkward silence*

"Is she with your parents right now?"

 "No she died five months ago"

*...*

*Turns away and doesn't ask further questions*

I am starting to enjoy shocked faces. It makes me smile.

YSA...again

I write about Ayla quite a bit but I noticed that I haven't really written about anything else for a while. Ayla was my everything, but life is moving on. As it should. And I'm okay with that because I know it's what Ayla would have wanted.

I have started YSA again...it would take multiple posts to fully explain how I really feel being back. To be honest I am not the most positive about it. I wish I was but I feel so out of place there, I sit in church listening to people say things like "I know none of us know what it's like to have a child" or "these people who get married quickly just end up getting divorced anyway. They really should not jump into it that fast" and it bugs me. Yes most don't know the feeling of either of those but some do. I know I'm not the only one. No, I don't get offended, but at times I feel at a loss at to what to, and what not to say. 

I am finding that difficult balance between feeling like I'm hiding Ayla and the divorce, and shouting it from the rooftops, neither of those are what I want. Somewhere in the middle would be lovely. I just haven't figured out where the middle lies. 

I did have an interesting experience the other night though :) I was feeling particularly low (what else is new?) and like no one cares. I know this to be false but you know how it goes. Anyways, I felt like I would have to go to the YSA conference this past weekend alone and I was having a heck of a time trying to get a hold of someone to go with; when I got a response from a friend on Facebook who I know from work I was so relieved. Literally right after I had a cry over being alone she responded giving me her number. I guess prayers are answered. Small as it may be, they are answered.

I made new friends and got reacquainted with old ones. Yes it was a bit awkward but I felt like I still had friends. I hate going to these things alone so I appreciated that there was some willing to take me under their wing and help. It was a good weekend for me to ease back in. It'll still take a while to get in the groove again, but I think I'll be okay.

I was terrified of going to be honest. I tend to over think things a tad bit and so I just kept going over in my head all the awkward senerios that I may encounter at the conference. Most of those included seeing the people that knew me a couple years back, and knew I was married. Obviously I am not anymore...but I found that even though some were surprised to see me, they didn't make it awkward. Those that did know that I would be back also showed their support too. I can't tell you the amount of times that people asked how I was doing, and actually cared! I shouldn't be surprised but I was. I found that a genuine "how are you?" and then a quick hug was enough to make me feel welcome. It was simple but that is exactly what I need. 

So I guess YSA isn't all bad. I'm not terrified anymore and that's a start :)