I'd like to introduce you to the littlest of the Branton bunch, Felix. He is sweet and such a joy despite his challenges. I'll write up a full birth story one day, but for now know that little Felix is home from the hospital and doing great. He was born with an intestinal blockage that prevented him from digesting in utero and after. Two days after his birth he had surgery to remove that blockage and some of the bad small intestine, then attach the good part of the small to the large. As a bonus they removed both of his appendices (yes, he had two).
The little man has already spent almost three weeks in the NICU being poked, prodded, and monitored to make sure food can pass through his little body. All systems work if you catch my drift and we are thrilled to have him home. The girls were not able to officially meet him until two days ago and already, they love him to pieces. I don't know how I have been so lucky to have four beautiful children both in my home, and in heaven.
Welcome baby Felix!
3.11.2020
11.01.2019
Ayla's Stocking; Remembering Those Who Are Still in Pain
It November! That means that we are kicking off my favourite time. When those crazies out there (myself included) are ramping up for Christmas as early as we can, I am also thinking about how I want to best present this year's Ayla's Stocking service project. Through the years it's grown into a tradition that even if no one else contributed, I'd still drive all the way to the Hospice and deliver what toys I can. I love that I can feel like I am giving back in the small way I know how. I don't know the families personally, but I do know that the small gifts I got but in the hospital, and later, hospice still mean so much to me. I have my Ayla box filled with little things that I received while there and even seven years later, I remember everything with clarity.
This year has been different in that in mid-May I became pregnant. It makes it more real knowing that my family is moving on without Ayla. I always knew, and prayed, that I would eventually be able to bring a child into the world again. With that came very real fears, I remember everything that happened leading up to Ayla's diagnosis, and later her death. I have this fear that this time won't be different, that I will lose this baby just as I lost Ayla. It's terrifying. For me, it's reminded me that although I have my rainbow baby on the way, that there are many families who are where I was seven years ago, ones who have no hope that their family could ever move forward from this. In the thick of everything you just do what you can to survive. I only had Ayla but more often than not there are families with other children who are struggling too.
You become a different person after losing a child, or even having a child who is terminally ill and crisis could strike at any time. I often forget those families in these posts, the ones who trek forward year after year never knowing which Christmas could be their last. I have the deepest respect for those who continue to fight even on the days when they feel there is nothing left to give. The hospice here not only provides a safe place for those who are losing their child, but also provides care for the child who's parents deserve a much needed weekend off once in a while.
In the seven years(!) I've been doing this it's become apparent to me that although it's been so long, I don't think anyone can truly heal. Year after year I shed tears over the mom I wished I could be for Ayla versus the one I am for my new family. I can't imagine trying to endure all I did during that period of time while having other children to look after. One of the biggest questions I had was how to incorporate my new children in with Ayla. Some children are old enough to remember their sibling but some aren't, the pain of knowing that can become all consuming. One year the hospice allowed the children in the house to "shop" for gifts to give their siblings, a luxury that they may never get again. Imagine the significance of knowing that the last Christmas you had with that child was filled with such tender memories and hopefully some smiles. It doesn't fix the pain in the years to come, but definitely helps.
This year I will be collecting the gifts from now until December 13th when I will take them to the hospice myself. As always there a few ways you can contribute; if you are in the Calgary region you can contact me personally. My parents house is also a drop off location if you live closer to them. You can also contact me via email (julie.branton6@gmail.com), phone, text, Facebook, or Instagram for more information.
As always I thank you for the outpouring of love given to me. As my family grows and changes I appreciate that people still want to contribute. This has become something that my girls look forward to doing each year and can't wait to expand it to little babe next. Please find a way to serve this Christmas season and I can't wait to watch as the spirit of Christmas floods the world.
This year has been different in that in mid-May I became pregnant. It makes it more real knowing that my family is moving on without Ayla. I always knew, and prayed, that I would eventually be able to bring a child into the world again. With that came very real fears, I remember everything that happened leading up to Ayla's diagnosis, and later her death. I have this fear that this time won't be different, that I will lose this baby just as I lost Ayla. It's terrifying. For me, it's reminded me that although I have my rainbow baby on the way, that there are many families who are where I was seven years ago, ones who have no hope that their family could ever move forward from this. In the thick of everything you just do what you can to survive. I only had Ayla but more often than not there are families with other children who are struggling too.
You become a different person after losing a child, or even having a child who is terminally ill and crisis could strike at any time. I often forget those families in these posts, the ones who trek forward year after year never knowing which Christmas could be their last. I have the deepest respect for those who continue to fight even on the days when they feel there is nothing left to give. The hospice here not only provides a safe place for those who are losing their child, but also provides care for the child who's parents deserve a much needed weekend off once in a while.
In the seven years(!) I've been doing this it's become apparent to me that although it's been so long, I don't think anyone can truly heal. Year after year I shed tears over the mom I wished I could be for Ayla versus the one I am for my new family. I can't imagine trying to endure all I did during that period of time while having other children to look after. One of the biggest questions I had was how to incorporate my new children in with Ayla. Some children are old enough to remember their sibling but some aren't, the pain of knowing that can become all consuming. One year the hospice allowed the children in the house to "shop" for gifts to give their siblings, a luxury that they may never get again. Imagine the significance of knowing that the last Christmas you had with that child was filled with such tender memories and hopefully some smiles. It doesn't fix the pain in the years to come, but definitely helps.
This year I will be collecting the gifts from now until December 13th when I will take them to the hospice myself. As always there a few ways you can contribute; if you are in the Calgary region you can contact me personally. My parents house is also a drop off location if you live closer to them. You can also contact me via email (julie.branton6@gmail.com), phone, text, Facebook, or Instagram for more information.
Here is a refresher on some of the things you can give;
- Infant rattles, rings, teether type toys
- Gift cards that can be given to families (Toys R Us, Walmart, Tim Horton's...)
- Pajamas of varying sizes
- Craft kits (with supplies all enclosed) or small boxes of pencil crayons, crayons, markers, etc.
- Musical toys (anything that plays sounds or music, push button toys...)
- Slippers (children and adults)
- One-size fits all stretchy gloves
- Toques and winter hats
- Books (mostly infant and teen books)
- Board games (for any age)
- Sensory games (for any age)
- Teen items (nail polish, journals, hair accessories, etc.)
These are just some ideas, if you have ones of your own then by all means go for it.
9.18.2019
Belated Birthday Letter
Dear Ayla,
I am so sorry that I didn't write you on your birthday, and I'll get to why in a minute. You are seven my dear, SEVEN! It's hard to fathom that you would be in grade one, you would be independent, sassy, and you're own person with your own ideas. As I was dropping off Kaylee on the first day of school it was a reality check that this year is her last year in elementary and watching her with a little girl we babysit reminded me that she would have been so good to you. Both your stepsisters would have been.
I miss you, as always, but with having two girls at home and one unknown babe on the way my life is pretty hectic, which actually is nice. I'm pretty sure that up in heaven you laugh at all the circumstances that you see me try to navigate. Melissa is a teen and Kaylee wants to be a teen. It's hard some days but I can only imagine the chaos which would ensue if you were here too. I am so grateful that my new family has taken you in as their own family and I can't wait for the day that everyone gets to meet. You've already met the girls mom, and I know that she loves you too. Heck, I'm positive that you two conspire some days to see how far I can be pushed, but at the same time I find comfort in knowing that you and Pamella are just an arm reach away ready to step in to help me through those hard days. And believe me, there are plenty.
One would think after so many years I would be able to move past those tears every year. At times I wish I could talk to your Great Grandma Wood about her loss. Did she cry years down the road? Did she think of you every time she felt Aunt Kathy kick inside her? How did she not become over-protective when her kids were sick? If you could, could you please ask her to send down some pointers. This pregnancy has been different in many ways but one is being reminded of my last, and being terrified of what this babe's future holds.
I finally figured out why I am having such a hard time writing this for you. It took a video about grief for me to recognize it, but I finally came to terms with it. I'm pregnant again, and with that all my previous fears have been weighing on me. My life is so different than the first time I wrote you and I am so very sorry I was not the mother you deserved me to be. My life was a mess and you were my shining star. Had it not been for you, I would have stayed in a very toxic environment, losing myself along the way. I loved you so much Ayla and you have to know that.
My greatest fear is this; how do I be a mom to the new babe? I am not the mom I was to you, or even to Melissa and Kaylee, this is totally new, and with how fast you got sick I worry more than I should. Mainly I am scared that the new babe will feel overshadowed by her sister that she never knew. In the video I was watching, the father talked about how he was his daughter's father, but he feared that he wouldn't be the same father to his son. This expressed my feelings exactly. I want to be the happy mom I always wanted to be for you. I know it wasn't my fault but I was so stressed and exhausted that I never felt that I was doing a good enough job. I just want this new babe to know you, to come to love you as much as the girls and I have. At the same time I know that I am a different person than I was eight years ago when I first got pregnant, or even seven when you were born. I've grown in many ways, but I have also gained some pretty scary perspectives that cause me a bit of anxiety over what will come next. Between Chris and I this is our fourth baby. I never had a husband who was there, and you never had a dad with us 24/7. I had family of course and your grandparents and uncles helped so much, but ultimately, you were my child and eventually we would have to figure out how being in a divorced parent situation would work. In many ways your death helped alleviate some of that pressure, but the cost was high.
It's a strange watching your two older sisters getting to know you through me. I never thought that they would come to think of you as part of the family, especially when they never knew you. This brings me some comfort, knowing that no matter how our family changes over the upcoming years, that you will always be part of it. I know that the baby and you spent a great deal of time together and I hope that will continue to help us all in this new transition.
I love you sweet girl.
-Mom
The video that helped me write this letter.
I am so sorry that I didn't write you on your birthday, and I'll get to why in a minute. You are seven my dear, SEVEN! It's hard to fathom that you would be in grade one, you would be independent, sassy, and you're own person with your own ideas. As I was dropping off Kaylee on the first day of school it was a reality check that this year is her last year in elementary and watching her with a little girl we babysit reminded me that she would have been so good to you. Both your stepsisters would have been.
I miss you, as always, but with having two girls at home and one unknown babe on the way my life is pretty hectic, which actually is nice. I'm pretty sure that up in heaven you laugh at all the circumstances that you see me try to navigate. Melissa is a teen and Kaylee wants to be a teen. It's hard some days but I can only imagine the chaos which would ensue if you were here too. I am so grateful that my new family has taken you in as their own family and I can't wait for the day that everyone gets to meet. You've already met the girls mom, and I know that she loves you too. Heck, I'm positive that you two conspire some days to see how far I can be pushed, but at the same time I find comfort in knowing that you and Pamella are just an arm reach away ready to step in to help me through those hard days. And believe me, there are plenty.
One would think after so many years I would be able to move past those tears every year. At times I wish I could talk to your Great Grandma Wood about her loss. Did she cry years down the road? Did she think of you every time she felt Aunt Kathy kick inside her? How did she not become over-protective when her kids were sick? If you could, could you please ask her to send down some pointers. This pregnancy has been different in many ways but one is being reminded of my last, and being terrified of what this babe's future holds.
I finally figured out why I am having such a hard time writing this for you. It took a video about grief for me to recognize it, but I finally came to terms with it. I'm pregnant again, and with that all my previous fears have been weighing on me. My life is so different than the first time I wrote you and I am so very sorry I was not the mother you deserved me to be. My life was a mess and you were my shining star. Had it not been for you, I would have stayed in a very toxic environment, losing myself along the way. I loved you so much Ayla and you have to know that.
My greatest fear is this; how do I be a mom to the new babe? I am not the mom I was to you, or even to Melissa and Kaylee, this is totally new, and with how fast you got sick I worry more than I should. Mainly I am scared that the new babe will feel overshadowed by her sister that she never knew. In the video I was watching, the father talked about how he was his daughter's father, but he feared that he wouldn't be the same father to his son. This expressed my feelings exactly. I want to be the happy mom I always wanted to be for you. I know it wasn't my fault but I was so stressed and exhausted that I never felt that I was doing a good enough job. I just want this new babe to know you, to come to love you as much as the girls and I have. At the same time I know that I am a different person than I was eight years ago when I first got pregnant, or even seven when you were born. I've grown in many ways, but I have also gained some pretty scary perspectives that cause me a bit of anxiety over what will come next. Between Chris and I this is our fourth baby. I never had a husband who was there, and you never had a dad with us 24/7. I had family of course and your grandparents and uncles helped so much, but ultimately, you were my child and eventually we would have to figure out how being in a divorced parent situation would work. In many ways your death helped alleviate some of that pressure, but the cost was high.
It's a strange watching your two older sisters getting to know you through me. I never thought that they would come to think of you as part of the family, especially when they never knew you. This brings me some comfort, knowing that no matter how our family changes over the upcoming years, that you will always be part of it. I know that the baby and you spent a great deal of time together and I hope that will continue to help us all in this new transition.
I love you sweet girl.
-Mom
The video that helped me write this letter.
8.06.2019
Announcing!...
I have wrote and rewrote numerous drafts of how I wanted to present this news. I had lots of exclamation points in some, and a serious mood in others, but I believe I am combining the best of both in this final one. I don't want anyone to feel obligated to feel a certain emotion because all of us are on our separate journeys, with experiences that change how we view others and the world around us. Keep that in mind as you read on.
I'll start from the beginning. Chris and I knew going into this marriage that we both wanted at least one more and after losing Ayla I knew I wanted to experience the whole process of pregnancy again. Chris agreed and so for us it was a matter of timing. Last time everything was so fast that I just wanted to take my time, figure out my new life, and also get my mental health taken care of too. I have to admit it was nice to have the days to myself to be able to cook and clean, and sometimes take a break. But there came a point where things were as good as they were ever going to be.
So, at nine months in we decided it was time to stop preventing it. Just like with Ayla I geared myself up for months of waiting and trying like most people. I did everything I could of course, I even ate a grapefruit a day! And on June 3rd after an episode of walking by a bathroom in the house and almost tossing my cookies, followed closely by actually tossing my cookies after opening the compost to put some carrot peels in (I'm usually pretty good, it's gross, but I have only got sick once in the two and a half years we have been together) I took a test expecting it to be negative...it was not. I started to walk away and saw a faint line, I swore, sat back down and the second line only got darker. Who gets pregnant the first try two times in a row?! Apparently me. I could not be more thrilled and terrified at the same time! Until that appointment where I saw a tiny dancing peanut I still thought that my body was playing tricks on me.
So, at nine months in we decided it was time to stop preventing it. Just like with Ayla I geared myself up for months of waiting and trying like most people. I did everything I could of course, I even ate a grapefruit a day! And on June 3rd after an episode of walking by a bathroom in the house and almost tossing my cookies, followed closely by actually tossing my cookies after opening the compost to put some carrot peels in (I'm usually pretty good, it's gross, but I have only got sick once in the two and a half years we have been together) I took a test expecting it to be negative...it was not. I started to walk away and saw a faint line, I swore, sat back down and the second line only got darker. Who gets pregnant the first try two times in a row?! Apparently me. I could not be more thrilled and terrified at the same time! Until that appointment where I saw a tiny dancing peanut I still thought that my body was playing tricks on me.
In sharing this news along with joy came the feeling of sadness. I have gone through so much in life but infertility was never one of them. When I got my positive result I thought of all the people around me who yearn for months and years to have what I have, and I felt somewhat embarrassed that it comes so easy for me. I know the feeling of opening social media and see yet another person announcing something exciting. After Ayla died it seemed it was everywhere and every time I saw it, I would feel a rush of pain that for what ever reason, that was not my path. So although I am over the moon excited, I also know that for some of my readers, there will be tears streaming down your face.
Don't worry about being happy for me, I will not take offence if you feel the need to go MIA for a while and I will cry with you if you ever need that from me. I love you all and wish you all the happiness you deserve, whether that's a baby, a marriage, or simply just to be able to feel again.
So here I am months later, feeling slightly less like I want to throw up, than eat some chips and ranch dip, then end up throwing up that chips and dip; and more like this is fun--for another couple months...then it'll feel like I'm carrying a beachball. Every milestone I hit has felt better. I have a husband who loves me even when my hormones were all over the place, and I have two daughters here and one in heaven that have shown me they are excited too.
In mid February we will have a little one to add to our chaos. And we couldn't be more thrilled.
Don't worry about being happy for me, I will not take offence if you feel the need to go MIA for a while and I will cry with you if you ever need that from me. I love you all and wish you all the happiness you deserve, whether that's a baby, a marriage, or simply just to be able to feel again.
So here I am months later, feeling slightly less like I want to throw up, than eat some chips and ranch dip, then end up throwing up that chips and dip; and more like this is fun--for another couple months...then it'll feel like I'm carrying a beachball. Every milestone I hit has felt better. I have a husband who loves me even when my hormones were all over the place, and I have two daughters here and one in heaven that have shown me they are excited too.
In mid February we will have a little one to add to our chaos. And we couldn't be more thrilled.
 |
| All seven of us bound for eternity. Drawn by Melissa. |
3.14.2019
Being Divorced in a New Marriage
So here’s the thing, I try to write about relevant topics on my blog. And I've had this in the draft folder for quite some time. This week I had another trigger that caused me to reflect on that time of my life, seven years ago. Mainly it’s the closing of an old chapter and coming to grips with part of my life that I never saw coming. I wouldn’t take back the lessons I learned though, and my hope is that someone out there can see the light in the midst of the darkness.
A while back I read a post about a divorced man and the things he learned about himself during his divorce. It of course was written from a man's perspective and so I want to add the women's side. All the points are interchangeable in my opinion but one thing it failed to recognize that there are two parties involved and often both contribute to the breakdown of a marriage. I am not saying he's entirely to blame, because part of the understanding I received came from recognizing that going into a new marriage there were things I needed to change.
I have come to understand that every one has a different experience and their own reasons for a failed marriage. And I say failed because anytime divorce comes about it really is admitting to yourself and the other person involved that you failed in one way or another. I don't dwell too much on the who is to blame rather what you personally can do to prevent it again.
I am divorced myself. And I don't take that title lightly. I don't think anyone goes into a marriage thinking that it will one day end. No one wants to think that, nor do I think it should ever be in the back of your head as an escape hatch. Marriage is hard, and to be honest there are days that you wonder what you got yourself into. But ultimately it's seeing that despite everything, they are still there, and you for them. It doesn't have to be hard all the time! It is fun and brings new things into your life you never dreamed of having, and having someone to share it with is incredible. I liked being married actually (many people just assumed I didn't because of the end result, but I truly did). I loved having someone to come home to, to build a future with, and being able to share my whole soul with. In my church we believe that marriages last forever. And that's the way I always looked at it, they aren't suppose to end and no matter the trials that come your way, you are suppose to grow and learn together as you strive to become a better person.
Unfortunately some do. Including my previous one. I always choose to believe that you have to exhaust all your options before you even think of it and believe me when I say I genuinely felt I did. I did what I felt was right and I still know it was. I came to a peace about my decision a long time ago. You need God to help you reach the decision to marry, and you need him as you choose to end it.
But, in a church where so much is centered around families it's extremely difficult to sit in church listening to "the ideal" and knowing that you choose to leave. You choose to leave a marriage, yes for very real, very valid reasons, but you still choose to leave. And failing. No one likes failure and in this very important eternal law, you failed. There was so many days I sat in church feeling lost. I kept repeating over and over "you failed Julie, if you had done a) b) c) it could have worked. It's all your fault. You gave up too easy, you didn't push hard enough", and the biggest lie of all; "you didn't put everything you had into it." To be honest I had been told this for so many months that I began to believe it. Sadly I thought so little of myself that I thought it was entirely my fault. I came to understand that no one needs to be treated the way I was but at the time I felt it was all true. Satan is very real and would love for you to think that you messed up the plan and you will never be happy again.
Divorce is never in the plan. Frankly nothing is in the plan you so carefully lay out. I didn't choose to lose Ayla so soon after losing my marriage but one thing it give me was a fresh start. I didn't feel like anyone would want to marry me after what I had been through, like most divorcees I have scars and there was always those people who asked if I was worried no one would want me after all this. It was a legitimate fear for me because people hear "divorced" and typically tense up. It's not a pretty word. And not something I liked getting into with people, particularly the YSA. My ex-husband choose his addictions over me and that's bound to leave some sort of complex.
I never felt completely hopeless though, more and more you hear people talk about pain and the past with a more positive light. Not that it is great or ideal but it is more accepted as reality. It's fantastic to see that in the loneliest time of your life, you can find people who never leave your side. There are good people out there and I always knew that not all men acted the way I became accustomed to. There's good ones if you know where to look. I think that's what made the difference for me, believing that I could one day be happy and find someone who would willing take me to the temple again.
I learned some great lessons from my divorce and I hope I am a better wife for it. I'm still soft spoken and avoid fights at any cost, but being a door mat is not okay either. Listening to your spouse is key, and not only that but communicating your feelings. Whether they are happy or not, bottling them up will never lead anywhere good. And I think most of all is believing the best in them. I struggled and still do sometimes thinking that one day it'll all fall to pieces. But realizing that it likely won't has helped me immensely. There is so much good out there. Seeing that is the key to a good life.
I guess what I'm getting at is being divorced taught me hard life lessons, but ones I was eventually grateful for. Leaving is okay. And you should never feel like a failure for it. Most of all; believe better things will come, open yourself up to being happy again and they surely will.
I'm so lucky that I got to have a second chance to learn more about myself and what a healthy marriage is suppose to be. It's not always easy but the past seven months have been so wonderful. I have grown as a wife and a mother, and can't wait to see what the future holds.
If anyone is struggling and would like to talk, as I don't like to post the details on a public domain, please don't hesitate to contact me. I wouldn't be where I am without people in my life that held me up when I didn't have the strength to do it myself.
A while back I read a post about a divorced man and the things he learned about himself during his divorce. It of course was written from a man's perspective and so I want to add the women's side. All the points are interchangeable in my opinion but one thing it failed to recognize that there are two parties involved and often both contribute to the breakdown of a marriage. I am not saying he's entirely to blame, because part of the understanding I received came from recognizing that going into a new marriage there were things I needed to change.
I have come to understand that every one has a different experience and their own reasons for a failed marriage. And I say failed because anytime divorce comes about it really is admitting to yourself and the other person involved that you failed in one way or another. I don't dwell too much on the who is to blame rather what you personally can do to prevent it again.
I am divorced myself. And I don't take that title lightly. I don't think anyone goes into a marriage thinking that it will one day end. No one wants to think that, nor do I think it should ever be in the back of your head as an escape hatch. Marriage is hard, and to be honest there are days that you wonder what you got yourself into. But ultimately it's seeing that despite everything, they are still there, and you for them. It doesn't have to be hard all the time! It is fun and brings new things into your life you never dreamed of having, and having someone to share it with is incredible. I liked being married actually (many people just assumed I didn't because of the end result, but I truly did). I loved having someone to come home to, to build a future with, and being able to share my whole soul with. In my church we believe that marriages last forever. And that's the way I always looked at it, they aren't suppose to end and no matter the trials that come your way, you are suppose to grow and learn together as you strive to become a better person.
Unfortunately some do. Including my previous one. I always choose to believe that you have to exhaust all your options before you even think of it and believe me when I say I genuinely felt I did. I did what I felt was right and I still know it was. I came to a peace about my decision a long time ago. You need God to help you reach the decision to marry, and you need him as you choose to end it.
But, in a church where so much is centered around families it's extremely difficult to sit in church listening to "the ideal" and knowing that you choose to leave. You choose to leave a marriage, yes for very real, very valid reasons, but you still choose to leave. And failing. No one likes failure and in this very important eternal law, you failed. There was so many days I sat in church feeling lost. I kept repeating over and over "you failed Julie, if you had done a) b) c) it could have worked. It's all your fault. You gave up too easy, you didn't push hard enough", and the biggest lie of all; "you didn't put everything you had into it." To be honest I had been told this for so many months that I began to believe it. Sadly I thought so little of myself that I thought it was entirely my fault. I came to understand that no one needs to be treated the way I was but at the time I felt it was all true. Satan is very real and would love for you to think that you messed up the plan and you will never be happy again.
Divorce is never in the plan. Frankly nothing is in the plan you so carefully lay out. I didn't choose to lose Ayla so soon after losing my marriage but one thing it give me was a fresh start. I didn't feel like anyone would want to marry me after what I had been through, like most divorcees I have scars and there was always those people who asked if I was worried no one would want me after all this. It was a legitimate fear for me because people hear "divorced" and typically tense up. It's not a pretty word. And not something I liked getting into with people, particularly the YSA. My ex-husband choose his addictions over me and that's bound to leave some sort of complex.
I never felt completely hopeless though, more and more you hear people talk about pain and the past with a more positive light. Not that it is great or ideal but it is more accepted as reality. It's fantastic to see that in the loneliest time of your life, you can find people who never leave your side. There are good people out there and I always knew that not all men acted the way I became accustomed to. There's good ones if you know where to look. I think that's what made the difference for me, believing that I could one day be happy and find someone who would willing take me to the temple again.
I learned some great lessons from my divorce and I hope I am a better wife for it. I'm still soft spoken and avoid fights at any cost, but being a door mat is not okay either. Listening to your spouse is key, and not only that but communicating your feelings. Whether they are happy or not, bottling them up will never lead anywhere good. And I think most of all is believing the best in them. I struggled and still do sometimes thinking that one day it'll all fall to pieces. But realizing that it likely won't has helped me immensely. There is so much good out there. Seeing that is the key to a good life.
I guess what I'm getting at is being divorced taught me hard life lessons, but ones I was eventually grateful for. Leaving is okay. And you should never feel like a failure for it. Most of all; believe better things will come, open yourself up to being happy again and they surely will.
I'm so lucky that I got to have a second chance to learn more about myself and what a healthy marriage is suppose to be. It's not always easy but the past seven months have been so wonderful. I have grown as a wife and a mother, and can't wait to see what the future holds.
If anyone is struggling and would like to talk, as I don't like to post the details on a public domain, please don't hesitate to contact me. I wouldn't be where I am without people in my life that held me up when I didn't have the strength to do it myself.
1.15.2019
2019!
Last year I choose patience as my word to focus on. To be honest that was not something I wanted to learn, I have set plans and a set timeline for when I expected my goals to be accomplished. I learned that it took on a few different meanings for me this year; patience with others and myself.
It was so difficult to let go of control, particularly when it came to wanting to start the rest of my life. I was so frustrated that my perfectly laid out plan was not working. Looking back I needed the time I was given and it helped me gain perspective on how the rest of the year would pan out. At the time though, I hated that I felt like I had no say in where my life was heading, and that's scary! I always had a plan and the only time I didn't I ended up with losing two people I cared deeply about. So I became very rigid.
The best things in life come to those who wait. I began to see that if I was always waiting for the next big thing to happen, that I was neglecting to see the here and now. The first five months of the year I kept telling myself that if I made it to the next weekend that maybe things would get moving. They didn't. So I started to focus on the things that were in my control. I relaxed a bit and let God guide me and it was then that I felt at peace. Apparently that's all that was needed, unfortunately this is a lesson I learn over and over. That when I just let go and let nature run it's course, things turn out so much better.
The other part of the year funny enough was tougher for me. I felt that because I learned to be patient with my new family the transition went almost flawlessly. Becoming a mother again was everything I ever wanted and having Chris by my side has been a dream; I really couldn't have asked for a better man. Where my struggles came was learning to be patient with myself. I strive for perfection in all I do, and that's not something anyone can measure up to. I constantly felt that I was falling short as a wife and a mother. Not only that, but anxiety and flashbacks of my previous relationship left me feeling broken and ashamed. I really struggled in feeling like I had to be super mom all the time. Cooking perfect meals, spending enough time with all three of my family members, keeping the house clean and in order, as well as fulfill my calling in the church. And truth be told, I couldn't do it all.
I learned however that it was so important to take time for myself and not get frustrated when I just can't do everything I planned for that day. I hated feeling like I was failing when in actuality I was not. Just like you go to the doctor when you have a reoccurring pain in an old wound, I went to a counsellor to fix my mental health. I used to fight the anxiety attacks and was embarrassed that after all this time, I still had not dealt with everything. I learned that it was so important to allow myself time to have those moments, instead of fighting them, say "bring it on" and be okay in the few minutes of panic. The attacks often didn't last as long, and my family didn't fall apart in my absence.
This brings me to my new word. It's something that again, I thought a lot about and decided it's something that I need to focus on as I progress further into my current life. The word is relax. Relaxing in my expectations on myself, relaxing on the everyday essentials, and just taking the time to sit back and really soak in my life.
I still put high expectations on myself and often I fall short. I am one that if you need something, I will do everything in my power to get it done, often giving up the me time I desperately need. I'm embarrassed to admit this, but Chris is always the one saying that I need to take it easy. I work all day cleaning and cooking and taking care of the house that even after the girls are in bed I am still finishing the tasks I haven't got to yet. It's draining and leaves me feeling emotionally and physically drained almost on the daily. I love my job as a stay at home mom but attempting to be perfect at it is something I need to let go. I started this near the end of the year, but I have gone to counselling to take care of some of the personal issues I dealt with. Now the key is to practice what I was taught.
This year I am going to work on living in the here and now. In my attempt to have perfection in the home I don't take time to enjoy the new life I have. I have two beautiful girls at home who sometimes just need me to put down the cleaning supplies and spend time with them. The housework can wait, but them getting older and growing up won't. Melissa is already a teenager and before I know it she'll be graduating high school and moving on in life. I don't want to miss a moment of that. Also, along with that is recognizing that it's okay to not have a fantastic meal every day. Having KD some days is not the end of the world.
To finish off I really just want to allow myself permission to do the things I enjoy. Not only will it help me mentally but as I feel more relaxed in life, my whole family will hopefully benefit from it. I have such a good life and it's been a long time since I have been this happy. There are challenges that come with being thrown in as an insta-parent but I have loved having that part of me open again. Today is Ayla's Angel Day and I'd be lying if I said it was an easy few weeks, however my new family have been so loving and supportive. I have finally allowed myself to feel things that I have suppressed for seven years. It says a lot that my body is able to cope with the memories and not allow them to have power over me anymore. Yes, life was hell for a bit there, but everything I experienced made me into the Julie 2.0 version I am today.
I am so grateful for where my journey has taken me. And now it's time to let it take me where I need to go in the next year. I'm excited to relax and let the fears and walls I have to be taken down once and for all.
11.01.2018
Ayla's Stocking: Making it About Family
I have found I am a woman of consistency, I may not post very often, but you can always rely on a post in November. I know I always say this, but I love Christmastime! There is so many opportunities to serve and to think about the message you want to share with those around you. Time this year has got away from me and it truly feels like I just did this. However, it doesn't make me any less excited to be doing it again.
For new followers here is a shortened version; I had a wonderful baby named Ayla who, unfortunately, became sick shortly after Christmas with what we were told was the flu. After a couple days I knew it was not an ordinary sickness and my dad and I took her to the ER where they confirmed my deepest fears, Ayla was very sick and we had to transfer her to the Children's Hospital so they could better aid her in fighting for her life. We spent two and a half weeks there before Ayla died peacefully in the hospice. A year later I decided to give to those who had children spending Christmas in the hospital. I wanted them to feel as loved as I did there.
When I first started coming up with ideas of how to keep Ayla's memory alive all I could think was that if and when I got remarried, my new family would likely not know her at all, and that was heartbreaking. She was such a huge part of my life and all I wanted was for my new family and the children who came after her to have something we could do together to remember her. I remember sitting in my bed mauling over how I could have her part of my new family when she wasn't here to make her presence known. It was then I had this idea, I would get my other children to buy toys and other gifts for Ayla and give them to children at the Children's Hospital in lieu of buying Ayla gifts. It would be the best of both worlds, I could have Ayla part of the season, and help the families I knew desperately needed lifting. At the time I had no children so I decided to put out a flier and see what kind of response I would get. I truly didn't expect anyone other than my own family and a few close friends to participate. Every year it gets bigger and bigger as I meet new people and Ayla's story comes up.
I am so excited because this year I have three new participants. The initial idea I had about sharing Ayla with my new family has come to pass and I can finally do this with them. I don't know if you have heard the term rainbow baby, but it represents a child that comes after a loss. In my case I have two rainbow children, they may not biologically be mine, but I love them like they are.
Shortly after Ayla died my Grandma Mary was talking to me about her losses (she had a few children pass away), she said was that she didn't know how she would have got through those losses had she not had more children to pour her soul into. When you have other people relying on you there is no choice but to get out of bed every morning. At the same time I can't imagine how incredibly difficult that must have been to not have time to yourself to grieve while taking care of everyone else. Being part a family can sometimes help in this process. The hospice where Ayla was taken was a place where families can stay together as long as their child is there.
While we were there, we only saw only one other family; there was a mother, father, their sick child, as well as a brother. We were all going through similar things but when you are in such grief you don't really talk to anyone else, you don't have the strength for small talk. While we were there the child died and I will never forget the look of pain on their faces on the days leading up to the death, they looked so empty and tired. I probably did too. The hospice is very respectful and they ask the other families to stay in their rooms while the family with a now deceased child can have some privacy. They did it for this family, and they did it for us. Anyone who has had experience with the children's hospital and hospice will tell you how professional and overall kind the staff are.
I found the only way I got through those days was through my family. This is why every year I deliver toys and other gifts not only for the sick children, but for the parents and siblings too. I never want someone to think that we only care about those who are physically sick, I want them to look back and know that they were remembered too. That is why this year my theme is "Making it About Family" because in the end that's what it comes down to, being united as a family, whether biological, or being connected in other ways. My hope is that this can become something that parents do as a family with their children. I have seen first hand how excited children become as they help others. Sometimes to the point where they give up their own toys.
This year I will be doing this a bit early, I will be collecting the gifts from now until December 14th when I will take them to the hospice myself. As always there a few ways you can contribute; if you are in the Calgary region you can contact me personally. My parents house is also a drop off location if you live closer to them. You can also contact me via email (julie.obrien03@gmail.com), phone, text, Facebook, or Instagram for more information.
For new followers here is a shortened version; I had a wonderful baby named Ayla who, unfortunately, became sick shortly after Christmas with what we were told was the flu. After a couple days I knew it was not an ordinary sickness and my dad and I took her to the ER where they confirmed my deepest fears, Ayla was very sick and we had to transfer her to the Children's Hospital so they could better aid her in fighting for her life. We spent two and a half weeks there before Ayla died peacefully in the hospice. A year later I decided to give to those who had children spending Christmas in the hospital. I wanted them to feel as loved as I did there.
When I first started coming up with ideas of how to keep Ayla's memory alive all I could think was that if and when I got remarried, my new family would likely not know her at all, and that was heartbreaking. She was such a huge part of my life and all I wanted was for my new family and the children who came after her to have something we could do together to remember her. I remember sitting in my bed mauling over how I could have her part of my new family when she wasn't here to make her presence known. It was then I had this idea, I would get my other children to buy toys and other gifts for Ayla and give them to children at the Children's Hospital in lieu of buying Ayla gifts. It would be the best of both worlds, I could have Ayla part of the season, and help the families I knew desperately needed lifting. At the time I had no children so I decided to put out a flier and see what kind of response I would get. I truly didn't expect anyone other than my own family and a few close friends to participate. Every year it gets bigger and bigger as I meet new people and Ayla's story comes up.
I am so excited because this year I have three new participants. The initial idea I had about sharing Ayla with my new family has come to pass and I can finally do this with them. I don't know if you have heard the term rainbow baby, but it represents a child that comes after a loss. In my case I have two rainbow children, they may not biologically be mine, but I love them like they are.
Shortly after Ayla died my Grandma Mary was talking to me about her losses (she had a few children pass away), she said was that she didn't know how she would have got through those losses had she not had more children to pour her soul into. When you have other people relying on you there is no choice but to get out of bed every morning. At the same time I can't imagine how incredibly difficult that must have been to not have time to yourself to grieve while taking care of everyone else. Being part a family can sometimes help in this process. The hospice where Ayla was taken was a place where families can stay together as long as their child is there.
While we were there, we only saw only one other family; there was a mother, father, their sick child, as well as a brother. We were all going through similar things but when you are in such grief you don't really talk to anyone else, you don't have the strength for small talk. While we were there the child died and I will never forget the look of pain on their faces on the days leading up to the death, they looked so empty and tired. I probably did too. The hospice is very respectful and they ask the other families to stay in their rooms while the family with a now deceased child can have some privacy. They did it for this family, and they did it for us. Anyone who has had experience with the children's hospital and hospice will tell you how professional and overall kind the staff are.
I found the only way I got through those days was through my family. This is why every year I deliver toys and other gifts not only for the sick children, but for the parents and siblings too. I never want someone to think that we only care about those who are physically sick, I want them to look back and know that they were remembered too. That is why this year my theme is "Making it About Family" because in the end that's what it comes down to, being united as a family, whether biological, or being connected in other ways. My hope is that this can become something that parents do as a family with their children. I have seen first hand how excited children become as they help others. Sometimes to the point where they give up their own toys.
This year I will be doing this a bit early, I will be collecting the gifts from now until December 14th when I will take them to the hospice myself. As always there a few ways you can contribute; if you are in the Calgary region you can contact me personally. My parents house is also a drop off location if you live closer to them. You can also contact me via email (julie.obrien03@gmail.com), phone, text, Facebook, or Instagram for more information.
Here is a refresher on some of the things you can give;
- Infant rattles, rings, teether type toys
- Gift cards that can be given to families (Toys R Us, Walmart, Tim Horton's...)
- Pajamas of varying sizes
- Craft kits (with supplies all enclosed) or small boxes of pencil crayons, crayons, markers, etc.
- Musical toys (anything that plays sounds or music, push button toys...)
- Slippers (children and adults)
- One-size fits all stretchy gloves
- Toques and winter hats
- Books (mostly infant and teen books)
- Board games (for any age)
- Sensory games (for any age)
- Teen items (nail polish, journals, hair accessories, etc.)
These are just some ideas, if you have ones of your own then by all means go for it.
I am thrilled to be doing this again and can't wait to feel the spirit of Christmas consume me. Please, even if you don't donate to my cause, find other ways to serve. We can't correct every pain in this world, but we can reach out to just one person and help them with theirs. I promise you, it'll make all the difference in their lives, as well as yours.
Thank you in for your support over the last six years (I still can't fathom that it's been six years). I would not be where I am without it. Life threw some curveballs but I am grateful that it gave me the experiences I have.
I am thrilled to be doing this again and can't wait to feel the spirit of Christmas consume me. Please, even if you don't donate to my cause, find other ways to serve. We can't correct every pain in this world, but we can reach out to just one person and help them with theirs. I promise you, it'll make all the difference in their lives, as well as yours.
Thank you in for your support over the last six years (I still can't fathom that it's been six years). I would not be where I am without it. Life threw some curveballs but I am grateful that it gave me the experiences I have.
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