Awkward Sundays

I love that awkward moment when someone sees the picture on your phone and says:

"She's cute, is that a niece?"

To which I reply "she's my daughter". *Awkward silence*

"Is she with your parents right now?"

 "No she died five months ago"

*...*

*Turns away and doesn't ask further questions*

I am starting to enjoy shocked faces. It makes me smile.

YSA...again

I write about Ayla quite a bit but I noticed that I haven't really written about anything else for a while. Ayla was my everything, but life is moving on. As it should. And I'm okay with that because I know it's what Ayla would have wanted.

I have started YSA again...it would take multiple posts to fully explain how I really feel being back. To be honest I am not the most positive about it. I wish I was but I feel so out of place there, I sit in church listening to people say things like "I know none of us know what it's like to have a child" or "these people who get married quickly just end up getting divorced anyway. They really should not jump into it that fast" and it bugs me. Yes most don't know the feeling of either of those but some do. I know I'm not the only one. No, I don't get offended, but at times I feel at a loss at to what to, and what not to say. 

I am finding that difficult balance between feeling like I'm hiding Ayla and the divorce, and shouting it from the rooftops, neither of those are what I want. Somewhere in the middle would be lovely. I just haven't figured out where the middle lies. 

I did have an interesting experience the other night though :) I was feeling particularly low (what else is new?) and like no one cares. I know this to be false but you know how it goes. Anyways, I felt like I would have to go to the YSA conference this past weekend alone and I was having a heck of a time trying to get a hold of someone to go with; when I got a response from a friend on Facebook who I know from work I was so relieved. Literally right after I had a cry over being alone she responded giving me her number. I guess prayers are answered. Small as it may be, they are answered.

I made new friends and got reacquainted with old ones. Yes it was a bit awkward but I felt like I still had friends. I hate going to these things alone so I appreciated that there was some willing to take me under their wing and help. It was a good weekend for me to ease back in. It'll still take a while to get in the groove again, but I think I'll be okay.

I was terrified of going to be honest. I tend to over think things a tad bit and so I just kept going over in my head all the awkward senerios that I may encounter at the conference. Most of those included seeing the people that knew me a couple years back, and knew I was married. Obviously I am not anymore...but I found that even though some were surprised to see me, they didn't make it awkward. Those that did know that I would be back also showed their support too. I can't tell you the amount of times that people asked how I was doing, and actually cared! I shouldn't be surprised but I was. I found that a genuine "how are you?" and then a quick hug was enough to make me feel welcome. It was simple but that is exactly what I need. 

So I guess YSA isn't all bad. I'm not terrified anymore and that's a start :) 

Celebration of Life

Today I set foot in the very place where my daughter lived out some of her final days. I sat in a room full of people who have also lost their child, I watched as picture by picture popped up on the screen of children who have lost their life. There were eighty children who died in that hospital this past year. Eighty! 

Every year the hospital holds what they call "A Celebration of Life, Honnoring the Children". It was so weird to be back there, it seems like the time I spent there was a totally different life. One that doesn't even seem like it was real. I walked those halls every day, ate in that  cafeteria  every meal time, I lived there. Walking in there brought back so many memories. 

But even so I realized that in spite of everything that I've been through I am actually doing okay. I do have my days but the happiness is more evident then the sad. I love Ayla. She will always be a part of who I am. She continues to teach me so much and I'm grateful that unlike some of the people in that room today, I know where she is. 

I hope that those people find peace someday :)

On a side note Chris was in Annie this past week as Mr. Bundles the laundry man, and Drake the butler. His personality always comes out on stage and he is hilarious. He did an awesome job! If I had a good picture I'd put one up but mine came out fuzzy. I am proud of him :)

I Am a Mother

Today is Mother's Day. To many it brings great joy and reminds us of the great women in our lives. I'm blessed to have a great mother who taught me all I know. She is the best of the best and I love that there is a whole day to celebrate her. I love her.

But today was hard. Instead if waking up to cooing and maybe even a nice homemade mothers gift. My house was quiet. Ayla's room empty. Instead of picking up my sweet baby girl, I went to a grave to visit her. It was an emotional morning.

I am a mother. I know what it's like to have a little person who brings you more joy then you can imagine. I know how in an instant your life changes, and you don't even mind. Waking up in the middle of the night is exhausting, but when you see her smile when you come in, you smile too. Your whole life takes on new meaning. You would give anything and everything for your child. I understand. 

I wish that I didn't have to be sad today. I know it's not what Ayla would want. She's safe, and that's all I can ask for. I know that no matter what, she will always be mine. 

And I know that what ever happens,

I am forever a mother 

Mom

Monday was my moms birthday. To be honest words cannot express how much I love her, she has been there through everything. I am so lucky to have such a great mother who I can talk to. And laugh with :). She has taught me all I know. Without her I would not be doing as well as I am now. She's the best and I love her so much :) I look forward to continue to be taught by this great woman! 

<3

Laura Dunford :)

I was on Facebook today and realized that it was my friend Laura's birthday. Although I don't see her often I read about her life on her blog. She is fantastic. She was my efy counsellor at one point but she is now my friend.

But as I sent her a message I re-read our old conversation. The last time I talked to her is when I was in Calgary with Ayla. One particular night she brought me some sushi. That night in particular was a very difficult night...it was when we really knew Ayla would be leaving us soon. The doctor had told us that Ayla needed another MRI because of her continued seizures. I KNEW she was going to die. It was one of the hardest nights I had ever had.

Emotions were so high, and that night Laura came and sat with me in my exhausted state. I don't believe that she will ever know how much this meant to me. It was at that point that I knew that no matter how many years has gone by people don't stop caring.

So today I want to wish Laura a very happy birthday! I am so blessed to have her as a friend :)

<3

Forever Changed

Given that this is partly a journal for me I feel that it's important to write all major steps and changes in my life. Yesterday I received the phone call that gave me permission to move on. To close a very important chapter to my life.

To write all the feelings I had in that instant is impossible. I have felt everything imaginable in the past two weeks and for a day or two there I wasn't sure if this was going to end. Patience isn't a strength for me. But after telling The Lord all I want us to move on when HE thinks I should I finally got my prayers answered.

Yesterday I felt everything. Even a couple hours ago I didn't know if I am truly ready. But right now I feel peace. I don't know exactly how to describe it but for the first time I feel...free.

I have no idea what my plan is. Or even how quick things will happen for me. But I do know that what ever is in store is going to make me happy. Who wouldn't be happy with baby Ayla having a say in the way life will turn out? :) I am so excited to see what's in store!

PS: A huge thank you to everyone who cares so much about me! I have felt of your love and support :)