So here’s the thing, I try to write about relevant topics on my blog. And I've had this in the draft folder for quite some time. This week I had another trigger that caused me to reflect on that time of my life, seven years ago. Mainly it’s the closing of an old chapter and coming to grips with part of my life that I never saw coming. I wouldn’t take back the lessons I learned though, and my hope is that someone out there can see the light in the midst of the darkness.
A while back I read a post about a divorced man and the things he learned about himself during his divorce. It of course was written from a man's perspective and so I want to add the women's side. All the points are interchangeable in my opinion but one thing it failed to recognize that there are two parties involved and often both contribute to the breakdown of a marriage. I am not saying he's entirely to blame, because part of the understanding I received came from recognizing that going into a new marriage there were things I needed to change.
I have come to understand that every one has a different experience and their own reasons for a failed marriage. And I say failed because anytime divorce comes about it really is admitting to yourself and the other person involved that you failed in one way or another. I don't dwell too much on the who is to blame rather what you personally can do to prevent it again.
I am divorced myself. And I don't take that title lightly. I don't think anyone goes into a marriage thinking that it will one day end. No one wants to think that, nor do I think it should ever be in the back of your head as an escape hatch. Marriage is hard, and to be honest there are days that you wonder what you got yourself into. But ultimately it's seeing that despite everything, they are still there, and you for them. It doesn't have to be hard all the time! It is fun and brings new things into your life you never dreamed of having, and having someone to share it with is incredible. I liked being married actually (many people just assumed I didn't because of the end result, but I truly did). I loved having someone to come home to, to build a future with, and being able to share my whole soul with. In my church we believe that marriages last forever. And that's the way I always looked at it, they aren't suppose to end and no matter the trials that come your way, you are suppose to grow and learn together as you strive to become a better person.
Unfortunately some do. Including my previous one. I always choose to believe that you have to exhaust all your options before you even think of it and believe me when I say I genuinely felt I did. I did what I felt was right and I still know it was. I came to a peace about my decision a long time ago. You need God to help you reach the decision to marry, and you need him as you choose to end it.
But, in a church where so much is centered around families it's extremely difficult to sit in church listening to "the ideal" and knowing that you choose to leave. You choose to leave a marriage, yes for very real, very valid reasons, but you still choose to leave. And failing. No one likes failure and in this very important eternal law, you failed. There was so many days I sat in church feeling lost. I kept repeating over and over "you failed Julie, if you had done a) b) c) it could have worked. It's all your fault. You gave up too easy, you didn't push hard enough", and the biggest lie of all; "you didn't put everything you had into it." To be honest I had been told this for so many months that I began to believe it. Sadly I thought so little of myself that I thought it was entirely my fault. I came to understand that no one needs to be treated the way I was but at the time I felt it was all true. Satan is very real and would love for you to think that you messed up the plan and you will never be happy again.
Divorce is never in the plan. Frankly nothing is in the plan you so carefully lay out. I didn't choose to lose Ayla so soon after losing my marriage but one thing it give me was a fresh start. I didn't feel like anyone would want to marry me after what I had been through, like most divorcees I have scars and there was always those people who asked if I was worried no one would want me after all this. It was a legitimate fear for me because people hear "divorced" and typically tense up. It's not a pretty word. And not something I liked getting into with people, particularly the YSA. My ex-husband choose his addictions over me and that's bound to leave some sort of complex.
I never felt completely hopeless though, more and more you hear people talk about pain and the past with a more positive light. Not that it is great or ideal but it is more accepted as reality. It's fantastic to see that in the loneliest time of your life, you can find people who never leave your side. There are good people out there and I always knew that not all men acted the way I became accustomed to. There's good ones if you know where to look. I think that's what made the difference for me, believing that I could one day be happy and find someone who would willing take me to the temple again.
I learned some great lessons from my divorce and I hope I am a better wife for it. I'm still soft spoken and avoid fights at any cost, but being a door mat is not okay either. Listening to your spouse is key, and not only that but communicating your feelings. Whether they are happy or not, bottling them up will never lead anywhere good. And I think most of all is believing the best in them. I struggled and still do sometimes thinking that one day it'll all fall to pieces. But realizing that it likely won't has helped me immensely. There is so much good out there. Seeing that is the key to a good life.
I guess what I'm getting at is being divorced taught me hard life lessons, but ones I was eventually grateful for. Leaving is okay. And you should never feel like a failure for it. Most of all; believe better things will come, open yourself up to being happy again and they surely will.
I'm so lucky that I got to have a second chance to learn more about myself and what a healthy marriage is suppose to be. It's not always easy but the past seven months have been so wonderful. I have grown as a wife and a mother, and can't wait to see what the future holds.
If anyone is struggling and would like to talk, as I don't like to post the details on a public domain, please don't hesitate to contact me. I wouldn't be where I am without people in my life that held me up when I didn't have the strength to do it myself.
3.14.2019
1.15.2019
2019!
Last year I choose patience as my word to focus on. To be honest that was not something I wanted to learn, I have set plans and a set timeline for when I expected my goals to be accomplished. I learned that it took on a few different meanings for me this year; patience with others and myself.
It was so difficult to let go of control, particularly when it came to wanting to start the rest of my life. I was so frustrated that my perfectly laid out plan was not working. Looking back I needed the time I was given and it helped me gain perspective on how the rest of the year would pan out. At the time though, I hated that I felt like I had no say in where my life was heading, and that's scary! I always had a plan and the only time I didn't I ended up with losing two people I cared deeply about. So I became very rigid.
The best things in life come to those who wait. I began to see that if I was always waiting for the next big thing to happen, that I was neglecting to see the here and now. The first five months of the year I kept telling myself that if I made it to the next weekend that maybe things would get moving. They didn't. So I started to focus on the things that were in my control. I relaxed a bit and let God guide me and it was then that I felt at peace. Apparently that's all that was needed, unfortunately this is a lesson I learn over and over. That when I just let go and let nature run it's course, things turn out so much better.
The other part of the year funny enough was tougher for me. I felt that because I learned to be patient with my new family the transition went almost flawlessly. Becoming a mother again was everything I ever wanted and having Chris by my side has been a dream; I really couldn't have asked for a better man. Where my struggles came was learning to be patient with myself. I strive for perfection in all I do, and that's not something anyone can measure up to. I constantly felt that I was falling short as a wife and a mother. Not only that, but anxiety and flashbacks of my previous relationship left me feeling broken and ashamed. I really struggled in feeling like I had to be super mom all the time. Cooking perfect meals, spending enough time with all three of my family members, keeping the house clean and in order, as well as fulfill my calling in the church. And truth be told, I couldn't do it all.
I learned however that it was so important to take time for myself and not get frustrated when I just can't do everything I planned for that day. I hated feeling like I was failing when in actuality I was not. Just like you go to the doctor when you have a reoccurring pain in an old wound, I went to a counsellor to fix my mental health. I used to fight the anxiety attacks and was embarrassed that after all this time, I still had not dealt with everything. I learned that it was so important to allow myself time to have those moments, instead of fighting them, say "bring it on" and be okay in the few minutes of panic. The attacks often didn't last as long, and my family didn't fall apart in my absence.
This brings me to my new word. It's something that again, I thought a lot about and decided it's something that I need to focus on as I progress further into my current life. The word is relax. Relaxing in my expectations on myself, relaxing on the everyday essentials, and just taking the time to sit back and really soak in my life.
I still put high expectations on myself and often I fall short. I am one that if you need something, I will do everything in my power to get it done, often giving up the me time I desperately need. I'm embarrassed to admit this, but Chris is always the one saying that I need to take it easy. I work all day cleaning and cooking and taking care of the house that even after the girls are in bed I am still finishing the tasks I haven't got to yet. It's draining and leaves me feeling emotionally and physically drained almost on the daily. I love my job as a stay at home mom but attempting to be perfect at it is something I need to let go. I started this near the end of the year, but I have gone to counselling to take care of some of the personal issues I dealt with. Now the key is to practice what I was taught.
This year I am going to work on living in the here and now. In my attempt to have perfection in the home I don't take time to enjoy the new life I have. I have two beautiful girls at home who sometimes just need me to put down the cleaning supplies and spend time with them. The housework can wait, but them getting older and growing up won't. Melissa is already a teenager and before I know it she'll be graduating high school and moving on in life. I don't want to miss a moment of that. Also, along with that is recognizing that it's okay to not have a fantastic meal every day. Having KD some days is not the end of the world.
To finish off I really just want to allow myself permission to do the things I enjoy. Not only will it help me mentally but as I feel more relaxed in life, my whole family will hopefully benefit from it. I have such a good life and it's been a long time since I have been this happy. There are challenges that come with being thrown in as an insta-parent but I have loved having that part of me open again. Today is Ayla's Angel Day and I'd be lying if I said it was an easy few weeks, however my new family have been so loving and supportive. I have finally allowed myself to feel things that I have suppressed for seven years. It says a lot that my body is able to cope with the memories and not allow them to have power over me anymore. Yes, life was hell for a bit there, but everything I experienced made me into the Julie 2.0 version I am today.
I am so grateful for where my journey has taken me. And now it's time to let it take me where I need to go in the next year. I'm excited to relax and let the fears and walls I have to be taken down once and for all.
11.01.2018
Ayla's Stocking: Making it About Family
I have found I am a woman of consistency, I may not post very often, but you can always rely on a post in November. I know I always say this, but I love Christmastime! There is so many opportunities to serve and to think about the message you want to share with those around you. Time this year has got away from me and it truly feels like I just did this. However, it doesn't make me any less excited to be doing it again.
For new followers here is a shortened version; I had a wonderful baby named Ayla who, unfortunately, became sick shortly after Christmas with what we were told was the flu. After a couple days I knew it was not an ordinary sickness and my dad and I took her to the ER where they confirmed my deepest fears, Ayla was very sick and we had to transfer her to the Children's Hospital so they could better aid her in fighting for her life. We spent two and a half weeks there before Ayla died peacefully in the hospice. A year later I decided to give to those who had children spending Christmas in the hospital. I wanted them to feel as loved as I did there.
When I first started coming up with ideas of how to keep Ayla's memory alive all I could think was that if and when I got remarried, my new family would likely not know her at all, and that was heartbreaking. She was such a huge part of my life and all I wanted was for my new family and the children who came after her to have something we could do together to remember her. I remember sitting in my bed mauling over how I could have her part of my new family when she wasn't here to make her presence known. It was then I had this idea, I would get my other children to buy toys and other gifts for Ayla and give them to children at the Children's Hospital in lieu of buying Ayla gifts. It would be the best of both worlds, I could have Ayla part of the season, and help the families I knew desperately needed lifting. At the time I had no children so I decided to put out a flier and see what kind of response I would get. I truly didn't expect anyone other than my own family and a few close friends to participate. Every year it gets bigger and bigger as I meet new people and Ayla's story comes up.
I am so excited because this year I have three new participants. The initial idea I had about sharing Ayla with my new family has come to pass and I can finally do this with them. I don't know if you have heard the term rainbow baby, but it represents a child that comes after a loss. In my case I have two rainbow children, they may not biologically be mine, but I love them like they are.
Shortly after Ayla died my Grandma Mary was talking to me about her losses (she had a few children pass away), she said was that she didn't know how she would have got through those losses had she not had more children to pour her soul into. When you have other people relying on you there is no choice but to get out of bed every morning. At the same time I can't imagine how incredibly difficult that must have been to not have time to yourself to grieve while taking care of everyone else. Being part a family can sometimes help in this process. The hospice where Ayla was taken was a place where families can stay together as long as their child is there.
While we were there, we only saw only one other family; there was a mother, father, their sick child, as well as a brother. We were all going through similar things but when you are in such grief you don't really talk to anyone else, you don't have the strength for small talk. While we were there the child died and I will never forget the look of pain on their faces on the days leading up to the death, they looked so empty and tired. I probably did too. The hospice is very respectful and they ask the other families to stay in their rooms while the family with a now deceased child can have some privacy. They did it for this family, and they did it for us. Anyone who has had experience with the children's hospital and hospice will tell you how professional and overall kind the staff are.
I found the only way I got through those days was through my family. This is why every year I deliver toys and other gifts not only for the sick children, but for the parents and siblings too. I never want someone to think that we only care about those who are physically sick, I want them to look back and know that they were remembered too. That is why this year my theme is "Making it About Family" because in the end that's what it comes down to, being united as a family, whether biological, or being connected in other ways. My hope is that this can become something that parents do as a family with their children. I have seen first hand how excited children become as they help others. Sometimes to the point where they give up their own toys.
This year I will be doing this a bit early, I will be collecting the gifts from now until December 14th when I will take them to the hospice myself. As always there a few ways you can contribute; if you are in the Calgary region you can contact me personally. My parents house is also a drop off location if you live closer to them. You can also contact me via email (julie.obrien03@gmail.com), phone, text, Facebook, or Instagram for more information.
For new followers here is a shortened version; I had a wonderful baby named Ayla who, unfortunately, became sick shortly after Christmas with what we were told was the flu. After a couple days I knew it was not an ordinary sickness and my dad and I took her to the ER where they confirmed my deepest fears, Ayla was very sick and we had to transfer her to the Children's Hospital so they could better aid her in fighting for her life. We spent two and a half weeks there before Ayla died peacefully in the hospice. A year later I decided to give to those who had children spending Christmas in the hospital. I wanted them to feel as loved as I did there.
When I first started coming up with ideas of how to keep Ayla's memory alive all I could think was that if and when I got remarried, my new family would likely not know her at all, and that was heartbreaking. She was such a huge part of my life and all I wanted was for my new family and the children who came after her to have something we could do together to remember her. I remember sitting in my bed mauling over how I could have her part of my new family when she wasn't here to make her presence known. It was then I had this idea, I would get my other children to buy toys and other gifts for Ayla and give them to children at the Children's Hospital in lieu of buying Ayla gifts. It would be the best of both worlds, I could have Ayla part of the season, and help the families I knew desperately needed lifting. At the time I had no children so I decided to put out a flier and see what kind of response I would get. I truly didn't expect anyone other than my own family and a few close friends to participate. Every year it gets bigger and bigger as I meet new people and Ayla's story comes up.
I am so excited because this year I have three new participants. The initial idea I had about sharing Ayla with my new family has come to pass and I can finally do this with them. I don't know if you have heard the term rainbow baby, but it represents a child that comes after a loss. In my case I have two rainbow children, they may not biologically be mine, but I love them like they are.
Shortly after Ayla died my Grandma Mary was talking to me about her losses (she had a few children pass away), she said was that she didn't know how she would have got through those losses had she not had more children to pour her soul into. When you have other people relying on you there is no choice but to get out of bed every morning. At the same time I can't imagine how incredibly difficult that must have been to not have time to yourself to grieve while taking care of everyone else. Being part a family can sometimes help in this process. The hospice where Ayla was taken was a place where families can stay together as long as their child is there.
While we were there, we only saw only one other family; there was a mother, father, their sick child, as well as a brother. We were all going through similar things but when you are in such grief you don't really talk to anyone else, you don't have the strength for small talk. While we were there the child died and I will never forget the look of pain on their faces on the days leading up to the death, they looked so empty and tired. I probably did too. The hospice is very respectful and they ask the other families to stay in their rooms while the family with a now deceased child can have some privacy. They did it for this family, and they did it for us. Anyone who has had experience with the children's hospital and hospice will tell you how professional and overall kind the staff are.
I found the only way I got through those days was through my family. This is why every year I deliver toys and other gifts not only for the sick children, but for the parents and siblings too. I never want someone to think that we only care about those who are physically sick, I want them to look back and know that they were remembered too. That is why this year my theme is "Making it About Family" because in the end that's what it comes down to, being united as a family, whether biological, or being connected in other ways. My hope is that this can become something that parents do as a family with their children. I have seen first hand how excited children become as they help others. Sometimes to the point where they give up their own toys.
This year I will be doing this a bit early, I will be collecting the gifts from now until December 14th when I will take them to the hospice myself. As always there a few ways you can contribute; if you are in the Calgary region you can contact me personally. My parents house is also a drop off location if you live closer to them. You can also contact me via email (julie.obrien03@gmail.com), phone, text, Facebook, or Instagram for more information.
Here is a refresher on some of the things you can give;
- Infant rattles, rings, teether type toys
- Gift cards that can be given to families (Toys R Us, Walmart, Tim Horton's...)
- Pajamas of varying sizes
- Craft kits (with supplies all enclosed) or small boxes of pencil crayons, crayons, markers, etc.
- Musical toys (anything that plays sounds or music, push button toys...)
- Slippers (children and adults)
- One-size fits all stretchy gloves
- Toques and winter hats
- Books (mostly infant and teen books)
- Board games (for any age)
- Sensory games (for any age)
- Teen items (nail polish, journals, hair accessories, etc.)
These are just some ideas, if you have ones of your own then by all means go for it.
I am thrilled to be doing this again and can't wait to feel the spirit of Christmas consume me. Please, even if you don't donate to my cause, find other ways to serve. We can't correct every pain in this world, but we can reach out to just one person and help them with theirs. I promise you, it'll make all the difference in their lives, as well as yours.
Thank you in for your support over the last six years (I still can't fathom that it's been six years). I would not be where I am without it. Life threw some curveballs but I am grateful that it gave me the experiences I have.
I am thrilled to be doing this again and can't wait to feel the spirit of Christmas consume me. Please, even if you don't donate to my cause, find other ways to serve. We can't correct every pain in this world, but we can reach out to just one person and help them with theirs. I promise you, it'll make all the difference in their lives, as well as yours.
Thank you in for your support over the last six years (I still can't fathom that it's been six years). I would not be where I am without it. Life threw some curveballs but I am grateful that it gave me the experiences I have.
10.10.2018
You Deserve It
In honour of Mental Health Day I decided to switch things up a bit on here. The past couple years I haven't been great at blogging; I am well aware of how the internet can be and there are some things I would prefer to keep to myself. And personal mental health issues that I was embarrassed to share.
I have talked about some of the things I have been through and if you read my blog you know most of the triggers already. Depression and anxiety was already in the family far before these things happened to me but after I got past the survival mode I started to see how deep these triggers go. There's only so much you can do to build trust in relationships without being in a relationship and to be honest, I pushed people away because of it. It wasn't until Chris that I started to unpack the baggage that I didn't know was hiding at the bottom of the suitcase.
After getting married there were so many flashbacks and fear that things will blow up. We dated for long enough that I knew that what ever comes our way we would be there to support each other. I can't say enough how wonderful it is to know that we are in this together and to really feel that. In my last relationship there were some things that I was told that were untrue about myself, and there were others that I perceived as being wrong, when you have that mix of true and untrue the lines get blurred and you can't distinguish what is actually the truth. Unfortunately this followed me into this relationship and the fears I had in that marriage began to creep into this one. This time it has all been in my head. I want to be clear that no matter how crazy I feel, Chris has always reminded me that it is actually all in my head and I'm doing great.
I love my new family, and I want to be the very best I can be for them. And the constant worry I have was something I was ashamed of. With anxiety, in moments of clarity you know it's irrational and you know that no one except you sees what you deem to be "not being good enough". I have always held myself to a very high standard and many of the things I felt I failed in the first marriage, I am fixing in this one. This time I also have two daughters who are closely watching and observing me so that added pressure of perfection is something I am trying to balance.
As mothers we tend to put everyone else first. I don't think that's new or anything mind blowing because that's just the way it is. Melissa has always been observant and as she is approaching teenage years what she sees and hears me do is what will shape her into the woman she will become. She actually has been my reality check in many ways; there have been a few times where I made lunch for the girls but waited until they had eaten to take some for myself. Just last week I didn't think I had made enough dinner and Chris wasn't home from his work trip yet, so when Melissa asked why I was waiting I told her because I didn't think I made enough so I was going to wait until Chris got some first, before I decided if I should make more. Her response was "You deserve it just as much as daddy because you are the one who made it; he'll understand". I almost started crying right at the table, I deserve it. Why is it I had to have a twelve year old who I am suppose to be teaching core values to, tell me something that I want her to always remember? I want her to grow up and know that she deserves to put herself first sometimes too, and I am modelling the exact opposite of what I want her to be. Parenting is hard but I am finding I am learning just as much from them as they are from me.
I have been pretty open with the girls (and Chris) about my fears and feelings and it has always been met with love. I still struggle and I think that this is something that I might always struggle with in life. But because there has been so many advances made in this area I no longer have to combat this alone. I have always had a great support system and that is continuing. By talking about my fears I feel the weight off my shoulders and I have begun to recognize that it's okay to feel overwhelmed sometimes, and it's okay to take a few moments in your room to regroup, and that by being vulnerable you are shedding light on this growing concern in our society.
I have my days and my moments. But that's okay. Let's teach our children that anxiety and depression is not something that you should be hiding, the more open you are, the more people around you can help.
9.03.2018
Happy Sixth Birthday
Dearest Sweet Ayla,
I miss you little one. Not that I don't always miss you but there were many changes this year and it is hard not having you here for them. Since you were weeks old and I had all that downtime in the hospital after my mastitis surgery I started planning our lives together, one where it was you and me, and eventually a step-father. I know it's odd after all I endured in the separation but it honestly helped me to hold onto the belief that better days were ahead. One of the biggest stressors between your dad and I was that there would be someone else, someone who likely would baptize you, confirm you, and be part of the little moments in your life. In divorce unfortunately there are times where one parent misses out on vital moments, and that was hard for both your dad and I had to come to terms with. But back to the point, I started planning how things could be and all of it centered around providing the best life for both of us I could. I knew that dating again would be hard as a single mother, but I was willing to take as long as deemed necessary to find someone who treated us both well. I think you are smiling down from heaven on the life I now have.
Shortly before you left this earth in a blessing you were told that you would soon die, and that you would still be very involved in my life. You would help me in finding someone that deserved to have me. I didn't need to worry about you anymore but I still had to heal and find someone that could take all I had packed away in my suitcase. I did Ayla. I found three.
I don't want this to be a depressing post on "what if"s and "could've been"s. I love my life and as much as I wish you were here with me, I know that in a way you are. A month ago I married again; to the same man who I told you about last year. He's kind, intelligent, funny, and talented. Most of all, he is so understanding. So much more than I could ever have hoped. Admittedly I had a few panic moments where I feared doing this all over again and if I would scare him away. You know how it goes; I worry about things I really shouldn't. But, every time I have one of those moments, Chris is right there to pick up the pieces. He's exactly who I always wanted but never thought I would actually find. I find our relationship is so much more than I have had before; it's more real if that makes sense. I have not only him to love and be with but his two daughters as well.
For the first time in years I am a mother. Do you know how wonderful that feels? I always have been but right now I have somewhere to give that love. I know it's only been a month but I think because of the sixteen months we dated I think it helped us transition almost flawlessly. I thought that it would be a hard adjustment but it really hasn't been. I have talked to both Chris and the girls about it and we all agree that it just feels natural. I hate that I doubt my abilities, and I hate that because of some of my deep seeded scars I need reassurance that I am doing okay. I am grateful that the girls and Chris constant let me know that they still want me. I have my days where I feel like I'm grumpy (Melissa confirmed that I don't come across that way) but in the end I think it's all going well.
On our wedding day Chris walked in (after I threw up...not sure if it was nerves or because I skipped breakfast) and upon seeing him, I felt this overwhelming peace. I knew that all the loved ones that were in heaven were crying for joy because I know for sure you had a part in all this. I don't think I would have got here without that help. I wanted to make sure you were part of the wedding too so I wore the butterfly necklace Chris got me for Christmas. Just so I could feel you close. After Chris came into the temple and we had to paperwork done, Chris and I sat in the celestial room and reflected on how it really didn't feel any different than other times we have gone to the temple. It's amazing to me how natural everything felt from the beginning, I never once doubted myself or Chris. I know there was divine help, without this confirmation I would have been worrying that this relationship would turn out the same as all my other ones. Here's the thing Ayla, it's NOT, this is something that I saw in other couples but didn't know if it was something I could have for myself.
Chris and his band The Sundance Kids played at the wedding, it was one of those things that I think you had a good chuckle out of. As I write this I am listening to Chris learn new songs on the guitar. You loved music, so it only seems fitting that I have two musically inclined people in my home. I remember sitting in the hospital and you were hooked up the ECG. They had you so drugged up that your lines were all flat, Uncle Chris had sent a video of him playing the piano and asked me to play it for you. As it was playing one of the lines on the screen made a slight jump. I know it was the music.
You're step-sister Melissa taught herself to play the piano! She takes lessons from a wonderful lady in the area who I think is also heaven sent, she knew Grandma O'Brien when she was in Young Womens. She has been working on being the pianist in church so I hear it all the time. I can't wait until school and lessons start up again so I can hear it more. Not only does she play piano but she is an avid reader too. I truly think it was meant to be. She took a bit longer to earn her trust but she's one of these people that once she trusts you, it takes a lot to break that trust.
I remember one of our first conversations, she opened up to me about some of her feelings and since then, she's been my little shadow. I love her so much and she picks up on what I need almost as good as her father does. After we got sealed and took all the pictures, she came up and gave me the biggest hug and told me how excited she was that I am in her life. This my dear child, was something I had been wishing for one day, a big loving hug from my own child telling me that she loved me as much as I love her. I got to snuggle you, and I have no doubt that you loved me with a more Christlike love than I can fathom, but feeling those arms around my waist squeezing me and smiling a truly joyful smile was something I had never got to experience. Until I met your step-sisters.
Kaylee has always been free with her emotions. I always said that she feels her emotions very deeply and has no qualms telling those around her what she thinks. She is not shy with her thoughts and that's something I always appreciated about her. From the time I met her she has been asking when I can become her step-mother. It took fourteen months after her first inquiry for it to become a reality. She loves building things with her hands and has been curious about you from the beginning. I have watched her on numerous occasions watch little kids, she is spunky but also fiercely kind. I have seen her be patient with younger kids and they love her. I'm sure you would have your moments with her, but I know that she would love you.
Going in I was worried that her hugs and and love would end and she would no longer like having me around, but so far things have been going well. When Chris and I were dating I wanted so badly to move forward in our relationship, but I think that taking our time was something that helped us transition as well as we have. Kaylee and Melissa have both got used to having me around and still to this day, Kaylee is excited when Chris goes to work and we can have a "girls day". Sometimes I make pancakes, sometimes we sit in our PJs, most days we go to the lake, and every day I tell them to do chores. Is it bad that I'm always a little shocked when they actually listen to me? Again, I think it's because of the time we took getting to know each other as a unit. I am always sad when I think that they had to lose their mother, and Chris had to lose his wife for me to gain all that I have. If I could give up this life I have and give them their mother back, I would. I don't know what death is like from your perspective, but from us on this side of the veil it stinks. I would never wish this on anyone.
There have been a few days that I wasn't sure why Chris still puts up with me. I suffer from panic attacks occasionally and I feel like it makes me appear weak. There is nothing strong about curling up in a ball on the floor without the ability to move, and having your husband have to hold you as you shake violently. I hate it. I wish that they would go away just as quickly as they appeared when I was pregnant with you, but I think this is something that I will always have to live with. Luckily once I have worked through one trigger I am aware of it and that particular one I can move past. Chris is so supportive and loving. He says I help him in other ways, so I guess it works itself out.
I think you handpicked this family for me, and for that I am eternally grateful. It's hard to know that in order for me to have the freedoms I have, I had to lose you. But this life I have Ayla, this near perfect life, is everything I had wished for both of us. Even in death you have saved me. I can't wait for the day when I can give you a big hug and thank you.
I love you sweet girl. Happy birthday Ayla Carol Jacqueline.
Love always,
Mom
PS: Here is a picture of your new family.
I miss you little one. Not that I don't always miss you but there were many changes this year and it is hard not having you here for them. Since you were weeks old and I had all that downtime in the hospital after my mastitis surgery I started planning our lives together, one where it was you and me, and eventually a step-father. I know it's odd after all I endured in the separation but it honestly helped me to hold onto the belief that better days were ahead. One of the biggest stressors between your dad and I was that there would be someone else, someone who likely would baptize you, confirm you, and be part of the little moments in your life. In divorce unfortunately there are times where one parent misses out on vital moments, and that was hard for both your dad and I had to come to terms with. But back to the point, I started planning how things could be and all of it centered around providing the best life for both of us I could. I knew that dating again would be hard as a single mother, but I was willing to take as long as deemed necessary to find someone who treated us both well. I think you are smiling down from heaven on the life I now have.
Shortly before you left this earth in a blessing you were told that you would soon die, and that you would still be very involved in my life. You would help me in finding someone that deserved to have me. I didn't need to worry about you anymore but I still had to heal and find someone that could take all I had packed away in my suitcase. I did Ayla. I found three.
I don't want this to be a depressing post on "what if"s and "could've been"s. I love my life and as much as I wish you were here with me, I know that in a way you are. A month ago I married again; to the same man who I told you about last year. He's kind, intelligent, funny, and talented. Most of all, he is so understanding. So much more than I could ever have hoped. Admittedly I had a few panic moments where I feared doing this all over again and if I would scare him away. You know how it goes; I worry about things I really shouldn't. But, every time I have one of those moments, Chris is right there to pick up the pieces. He's exactly who I always wanted but never thought I would actually find. I find our relationship is so much more than I have had before; it's more real if that makes sense. I have not only him to love and be with but his two daughters as well.
For the first time in years I am a mother. Do you know how wonderful that feels? I always have been but right now I have somewhere to give that love. I know it's only been a month but I think because of the sixteen months we dated I think it helped us transition almost flawlessly. I thought that it would be a hard adjustment but it really hasn't been. I have talked to both Chris and the girls about it and we all agree that it just feels natural. I hate that I doubt my abilities, and I hate that because of some of my deep seeded scars I need reassurance that I am doing okay. I am grateful that the girls and Chris constant let me know that they still want me. I have my days where I feel like I'm grumpy (Melissa confirmed that I don't come across that way) but in the end I think it's all going well.
On our wedding day Chris walked in (after I threw up...not sure if it was nerves or because I skipped breakfast) and upon seeing him, I felt this overwhelming peace. I knew that all the loved ones that were in heaven were crying for joy because I know for sure you had a part in all this. I don't think I would have got here without that help. I wanted to make sure you were part of the wedding too so I wore the butterfly necklace Chris got me for Christmas. Just so I could feel you close. After Chris came into the temple and we had to paperwork done, Chris and I sat in the celestial room and reflected on how it really didn't feel any different than other times we have gone to the temple. It's amazing to me how natural everything felt from the beginning, I never once doubted myself or Chris. I know there was divine help, without this confirmation I would have been worrying that this relationship would turn out the same as all my other ones. Here's the thing Ayla, it's NOT, this is something that I saw in other couples but didn't know if it was something I could have for myself.
Chris and his band The Sundance Kids played at the wedding, it was one of those things that I think you had a good chuckle out of. As I write this I am listening to Chris learn new songs on the guitar. You loved music, so it only seems fitting that I have two musically inclined people in my home. I remember sitting in the hospital and you were hooked up the ECG. They had you so drugged up that your lines were all flat, Uncle Chris had sent a video of him playing the piano and asked me to play it for you. As it was playing one of the lines on the screen made a slight jump. I know it was the music.
You're step-sister Melissa taught herself to play the piano! She takes lessons from a wonderful lady in the area who I think is also heaven sent, she knew Grandma O'Brien when she was in Young Womens. She has been working on being the pianist in church so I hear it all the time. I can't wait until school and lessons start up again so I can hear it more. Not only does she play piano but she is an avid reader too. I truly think it was meant to be. She took a bit longer to earn her trust but she's one of these people that once she trusts you, it takes a lot to break that trust.
I remember one of our first conversations, she opened up to me about some of her feelings and since then, she's been my little shadow. I love her so much and she picks up on what I need almost as good as her father does. After we got sealed and took all the pictures, she came up and gave me the biggest hug and told me how excited she was that I am in her life. This my dear child, was something I had been wishing for one day, a big loving hug from my own child telling me that she loved me as much as I love her. I got to snuggle you, and I have no doubt that you loved me with a more Christlike love than I can fathom, but feeling those arms around my waist squeezing me and smiling a truly joyful smile was something I had never got to experience. Until I met your step-sisters.
Kaylee has always been free with her emotions. I always said that she feels her emotions very deeply and has no qualms telling those around her what she thinks. She is not shy with her thoughts and that's something I always appreciated about her. From the time I met her she has been asking when I can become her step-mother. It took fourteen months after her first inquiry for it to become a reality. She loves building things with her hands and has been curious about you from the beginning. I have watched her on numerous occasions watch little kids, she is spunky but also fiercely kind. I have seen her be patient with younger kids and they love her. I'm sure you would have your moments with her, but I know that she would love you.
Going in I was worried that her hugs and and love would end and she would no longer like having me around, but so far things have been going well. When Chris and I were dating I wanted so badly to move forward in our relationship, but I think that taking our time was something that helped us transition as well as we have. Kaylee and Melissa have both got used to having me around and still to this day, Kaylee is excited when Chris goes to work and we can have a "girls day". Sometimes I make pancakes, sometimes we sit in our PJs, most days we go to the lake, and every day I tell them to do chores. Is it bad that I'm always a little shocked when they actually listen to me? Again, I think it's because of the time we took getting to know each other as a unit. I am always sad when I think that they had to lose their mother, and Chris had to lose his wife for me to gain all that I have. If I could give up this life I have and give them their mother back, I would. I don't know what death is like from your perspective, but from us on this side of the veil it stinks. I would never wish this on anyone.
There have been a few days that I wasn't sure why Chris still puts up with me. I suffer from panic attacks occasionally and I feel like it makes me appear weak. There is nothing strong about curling up in a ball on the floor without the ability to move, and having your husband have to hold you as you shake violently. I hate it. I wish that they would go away just as quickly as they appeared when I was pregnant with you, but I think this is something that I will always have to live with. Luckily once I have worked through one trigger I am aware of it and that particular one I can move past. Chris is so supportive and loving. He says I help him in other ways, so I guess it works itself out.
I think you handpicked this family for me, and for that I am eternally grateful. It's hard to know that in order for me to have the freedoms I have, I had to lose you. But this life I have Ayla, this near perfect life, is everything I had wished for both of us. Even in death you have saved me. I can't wait for the day when I can give you a big hug and thank you.
I love you sweet girl. Happy birthday Ayla Carol Jacqueline.
Love always,
Mom
PS: Here is a picture of your new family.
6.05.2018
How Far I've Come
On my blog I try to keep it honest but also strive for the balance of not sharing too much. Today I want to talk about my journey for the past year and a half and how far I have come since January 2013. I have already wrote my "word of the year" post but I feel like this one will go into a little more detail as to how I got to where I currently am.
I want to start five and a half years ago; after Ayla's death I felt that my whole world had just been shattered. The day she died a part of me died also and I didn't know how anyone could love someone who (in my opinion) was not a whole person. I was broken, and no one could fix that. At that time I was also dealing with my divorce and that topic would take another post entirely. Plus, I'm not entirely sure if I am ready to share that part. Needless to say however, I did not trust myself to make decisions when it came to romantic relationships. I had been in a string of relationships where there were significant commonalities. So of course I felt that it was something in myself that was attracting me to men with serious addictions. I never wanted to go there again so I decided to take a break so I could figure it out.
Sure I went on dates, but I always found something wrong with them. It didn't matter how kind they seemed, how respectful, or how similar they were to my story, I always found something to find fault in. I'm not saying they weren't great for someone else, but for me, I never felt completely comfortable being myself. I take full accountability for that. Nothing felt right and to be honest, I didn't understand why I couldn't let my guard down. I used Ayla and my divorce as a way to test people. I would throw it out there in an attempt to try to scare people away before they became too invested because really, if they couldn't take my past, they would never understand why I was the person I am today. And the experiences that brought me there. Some tried but in the end I always ended it before it even started. I never wanted to lead someone on if I had no intention of moving onto the boyfriend/girlfriend stage. I didn't want to waste their time, nor mine.
I've talked before how I believe in order to be ready to let someone in romanticly, you have to be okay with yourself first. Marriage is definitely not a way to run from your issues. Your insecurities and problems do not magically disappear (as nice as that would be, that never happens). I still suffer from panic attacks and moments where I cry for no reason. It's hard and something I've learned to deal with. It's so much better than it was, but still pops up occasionally and I didn't feel it fair to ask someone to be there when those flashback moments and triggers come. Especially since those have nothing to do with them. It's not their fault that I was in a situation where I felt worthless, it's not their fault I have trust issues, it's not their fault Ayla died, and it's definitely not their fault that I shut down when I need the most love.
All these things pushed me to take a hard look at who I was and how I could fix those insecurities on my own. I finally hit a point where I was happy, I felt perfectly content with where I was in life and if I never remarried that's okay, because I loved me. I had grown into someone I actually liked and had the confidence to embrace all aspects of myself. I knew that I was not willing to settle for less than I thought I deserved. It's funny how you begin to see the qualities that truly matter. And it's nothing like the list I made at sixteen.
I was actually truly happy and it felt wonderful, I didn't have to fake it anymore! Deep down I could feel thay life was about to be turned upside down...but I ignored it. Remember, I didn't want my life to change at that present moment and it had taken me so long to get to the peace I felt so I wanted to bask in that moment of content for a while longer.
I remember the moment Patricia sent me a message inquiring whether I would be up for a blind date with her uncle's best friend. I don't typically go for those types of things. But after doing an immense amount of research (both through Facebook and Monica telling me everything she could) I agreed. After all, he played guitar in a band, had good references, and didn't look half bad either. I had actually planned to wait to go on this date for a month because I didn't feel there was any rush. But, something told me that I needed to go that coming week. And I did.
I won't go into the mushy details for your sake, but from the moment I went out with him I knew he was exactly what I had been searching for. He is so kind, loving, and treated me like I mattered to him. He never beat around the bush and I knew exactly where I stood with him. And for the first time, I didn't feel anxious! That first night he took me out I stayed awake until four thirty in the morning because I felt something I had never experienced before. He knew about Ayla, and I knew about his late wife and both didn't seem to matter to us. All I wanted in a relationship was someone who understood pain, who would truly get why the memories will sometimes consume me and I just need someone to tell me that despite how much of a mess I feel, he is still willing to be there for me.
Chris said he wanted to see me again (I was shocked) and so he came here. He also didn't like texting (phones in general really) so we opted for phone calls instead. That was new. So much gets lost in text messages so being able to hear the tone and have us see if we have good communication skills was lovely. Our phone converstions have continued since then, twice a week, for between and hour and a half to two hours. At least I knew I could tell him anything.
There's another part to our story; his two beautiful children. When I met them I knew I was done for. I so desperately wanted them to like me and they did. It took a little bit for work to get where we are but in the months since both have opened up to me. We didn't show affection at first, and I don't think they knew we were dating but I loved hanging out with them. The more I was with them, the more I began to not only fall in love with Chris, but them too. They started to fill a hole that I never knew could be mended. There's a place where Ayla will forever dwell but having Melissa and Kaylee have helped me in more ways than they will ever know. Each has her own personality. And unique challenges, but I love them both with everything I have.
Chris has let me cry on his couch, humoured me when I want to watch my movies (he had never seen Harry Potter! That was almost a deal breaker), and has shown me good men do exist. He has been everything I needed and more. Even on those days where I feel so broken he reminds me that he is still there, and isn't going anywhere. He's they type of person you secretly wish for but never think you deserve because, again, why would someone like that want a person with so many scars?
What I've come to see is that we all have pain and scars that shape us into who we are. And settling for something less because you don't think you deserve better is silly! You have to be realistic of course and understand that no one is perfect, but finding someone who you can progress with is wonderful. I have finally found someone I want to go through life with. No anxieties, no red flags to ignore, and no reservations, just realistic bliss.
Two years ago I was barely able to pick up the pieces that my life was left in. I always was told, and felt for myself that because of the hell I endured that I had such great things coming my way, more than I could ever comprehend (insert eye roll here). Honestly, I didn't believe it. I knew I would be happy again, but I never dreamed that this life I have was the one I was going to get. I thought I knew joy, I thought I knew what real happiness was, but I was wrong. I look back five years ago at where I was at and can't even begin to see how I got this. This is everything I hoped for, the tears I wept for nights and months on end were heard and even though I didn't like the plan I was given, I cannot be more grateful at what is brought me to. I get to be a wife and and bonus-mom in one go! I am so incredibly blessed.
I know this was long winded. And likely a little sappy, but what I really am getting at is that one day you will look back at your trials and be grateful for how they shaped you. Life is not fair. And it hurts. But, one day it will be more incredible than you could ever imagine.
I want to start five and a half years ago; after Ayla's death I felt that my whole world had just been shattered. The day she died a part of me died also and I didn't know how anyone could love someone who (in my opinion) was not a whole person. I was broken, and no one could fix that. At that time I was also dealing with my divorce and that topic would take another post entirely. Plus, I'm not entirely sure if I am ready to share that part. Needless to say however, I did not trust myself to make decisions when it came to romantic relationships. I had been in a string of relationships where there were significant commonalities. So of course I felt that it was something in myself that was attracting me to men with serious addictions. I never wanted to go there again so I decided to take a break so I could figure it out.
Sure I went on dates, but I always found something wrong with them. It didn't matter how kind they seemed, how respectful, or how similar they were to my story, I always found something to find fault in. I'm not saying they weren't great for someone else, but for me, I never felt completely comfortable being myself. I take full accountability for that. Nothing felt right and to be honest, I didn't understand why I couldn't let my guard down. I used Ayla and my divorce as a way to test people. I would throw it out there in an attempt to try to scare people away before they became too invested because really, if they couldn't take my past, they would never understand why I was the person I am today. And the experiences that brought me there. Some tried but in the end I always ended it before it even started. I never wanted to lead someone on if I had no intention of moving onto the boyfriend/girlfriend stage. I didn't want to waste their time, nor mine.
I've talked before how I believe in order to be ready to let someone in romanticly, you have to be okay with yourself first. Marriage is definitely not a way to run from your issues. Your insecurities and problems do not magically disappear (as nice as that would be, that never happens). I still suffer from panic attacks and moments where I cry for no reason. It's hard and something I've learned to deal with. It's so much better than it was, but still pops up occasionally and I didn't feel it fair to ask someone to be there when those flashback moments and triggers come. Especially since those have nothing to do with them. It's not their fault that I was in a situation where I felt worthless, it's not their fault I have trust issues, it's not their fault Ayla died, and it's definitely not their fault that I shut down when I need the most love.
All these things pushed me to take a hard look at who I was and how I could fix those insecurities on my own. I finally hit a point where I was happy, I felt perfectly content with where I was in life and if I never remarried that's okay, because I loved me. I had grown into someone I actually liked and had the confidence to embrace all aspects of myself. I knew that I was not willing to settle for less than I thought I deserved. It's funny how you begin to see the qualities that truly matter. And it's nothing like the list I made at sixteen.
I was actually truly happy and it felt wonderful, I didn't have to fake it anymore! Deep down I could feel thay life was about to be turned upside down...but I ignored it. Remember, I didn't want my life to change at that present moment and it had taken me so long to get to the peace I felt so I wanted to bask in that moment of content for a while longer.
I remember the moment Patricia sent me a message inquiring whether I would be up for a blind date with her uncle's best friend. I don't typically go for those types of things. But after doing an immense amount of research (both through Facebook and Monica telling me everything she could) I agreed. After all, he played guitar in a band, had good references, and didn't look half bad either. I had actually planned to wait to go on this date for a month because I didn't feel there was any rush. But, something told me that I needed to go that coming week. And I did.
I won't go into the mushy details for your sake, but from the moment I went out with him I knew he was exactly what I had been searching for. He is so kind, loving, and treated me like I mattered to him. He never beat around the bush and I knew exactly where I stood with him. And for the first time, I didn't feel anxious! That first night he took me out I stayed awake until four thirty in the morning because I felt something I had never experienced before. He knew about Ayla, and I knew about his late wife and both didn't seem to matter to us. All I wanted in a relationship was someone who understood pain, who would truly get why the memories will sometimes consume me and I just need someone to tell me that despite how much of a mess I feel, he is still willing to be there for me.
Chris said he wanted to see me again (I was shocked) and so he came here. He also didn't like texting (phones in general really) so we opted for phone calls instead. That was new. So much gets lost in text messages so being able to hear the tone and have us see if we have good communication skills was lovely. Our phone converstions have continued since then, twice a week, for between and hour and a half to two hours. At least I knew I could tell him anything.
There's another part to our story; his two beautiful children. When I met them I knew I was done for. I so desperately wanted them to like me and they did. It took a little bit for work to get where we are but in the months since both have opened up to me. We didn't show affection at first, and I don't think they knew we were dating but I loved hanging out with them. The more I was with them, the more I began to not only fall in love with Chris, but them too. They started to fill a hole that I never knew could be mended. There's a place where Ayla will forever dwell but having Melissa and Kaylee have helped me in more ways than they will ever know. Each has her own personality. And unique challenges, but I love them both with everything I have.
Chris has let me cry on his couch, humoured me when I want to watch my movies (he had never seen Harry Potter! That was almost a deal breaker), and has shown me good men do exist. He has been everything I needed and more. Even on those days where I feel so broken he reminds me that he is still there, and isn't going anywhere. He's they type of person you secretly wish for but never think you deserve because, again, why would someone like that want a person with so many scars?
What I've come to see is that we all have pain and scars that shape us into who we are. And settling for something less because you don't think you deserve better is silly! You have to be realistic of course and understand that no one is perfect, but finding someone who you can progress with is wonderful. I have finally found someone I want to go through life with. No anxieties, no red flags to ignore, and no reservations, just realistic bliss.
Two years ago I was barely able to pick up the pieces that my life was left in. I always was told, and felt for myself that because of the hell I endured that I had such great things coming my way, more than I could ever comprehend (insert eye roll here). Honestly, I didn't believe it. I knew I would be happy again, but I never dreamed that this life I have was the one I was going to get. I thought I knew joy, I thought I knew what real happiness was, but I was wrong. I look back five years ago at where I was at and can't even begin to see how I got this. This is everything I hoped for, the tears I wept for nights and months on end were heard and even though I didn't like the plan I was given, I cannot be more grateful at what is brought me to. I get to be a wife and and bonus-mom in one go! I am so incredibly blessed.
I know this was long winded. And likely a little sappy, but what I really am getting at is that one day you will look back at your trials and be grateful for how they shaped you. Life is not fair. And it hurts. But, one day it will be more incredible than you could ever imagine.
Hold onto that hope that one day life will get better. I promise it will.
5.13.2018
To the Broken
Mother’s Day is a wonderful time where we have a day dedicated to womanhood. We celebrate the woman who raised us, and if we are lucky, get to be on the receiving end of things. Getting breakfast made for you, homemade gifts, and a day where your husband takes care of your responsibilities. If you’re lucky, you may even get to sleep in! This is the ideal isn’t it? For many of us, it isn’t that simple. So this post is for you, the broken.
For the single woman who goes to church alone. She sits there watching women walk hand in hand with their husband, children in tow. All she wants is for her pain of being alone to end, and to finally be who she has always dreamed of being; a mother.
To the mother who wakes to an empty pillow beside her. She knows that soon the children will have to be fed, dressed, and finally herded into the vehicle where she hopefully will arrive on time. Next she will have to keep them quiet before finally sending them off for a few hours of peace. If she’s lucky. She never meant to be doing this alone, but here she is, just keeping her head above water.
For the beautiful woman who does wake to the love of her life, but through no fault of her own, it’s always just been the two of them. She sighs and then puts on her brave face. Today she chooses to sit behind a family of six. Her eyes fill with tears when she sees that mother in front of her cuddle her three year old close. That women has no idea how lucky she is.
To the woman who has a child but can’t seem to have more. Her body and heart still aching from the latest loss, she showers and tries to pick the outfit that compliments her ever changing body the best. The sweetest elderly woman in the back stands and gives her a hug. She winks and asks when she plans to have the next. The words sting, but she smiles anyway.
For the woman who once felt the overwhelming joy of holding her own child, but now sits empty handed. She made it to church without a single tear this year! But the children stand up to sing to their mothers and she can all but hold it together. Her daughter would be five this year. It’s been so long that others don’t see the empty spot where she should be. But the mother does.
Finally, to the mother who was up all night with her there year old. On the outside her life is great, she has a loving husband and six beautiful children. They always look put together and she prides herself on that. But, she sacrifices her wellbeing for her children. Isn’t that what mothering is about? Sacrifice? Oh, how nice it would be to have time to herself.
I couldn’t cover them all, but I can assure you, all of these mothers will be sitting in our midst today. We have no ideas the battles behind the smiles we see. Motherhood is so much more than being a physical mother. We are all mothers in one way or another. How grateful I am to know that through incredible pain comes immense joy.
To all the broken today, you are not alone. Please never feel alone. I love you, and as women I know that we will all reach out our arms in love and compassion to you. Look around you and see the wonderful women of strength we have to look up to.
Today may be painful. But it won’t always be like that. That, I can promise you.
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