Eight Years

My dearest Ayla girl,

You would have been eight today little miss and I look back at how far I have come in my journey since your birth. I have three more children, a husband, and a wonderful life. I keep thinking how blessed I am to have carried (and lost) you. I would obviously have wanted to right here with me, but you taught me some really hard lessons that has helped me parent now. I have so much to learn and work through, but I find that I am more present with my other three because I never know what tomorrow could bring. 

You would have been baptized this year. That is a huge step and one I know would have been wonderful to witness. Covid has pretty much wrecked everything this year, but I think one huge blessing through all this, is that we are able to join with family through technology in those sacred moments. Just this last weekend your second cousin Asher was baptized, and although I missed it, it's neat that he was able to share that moment with family near and far. I was able to share Felix's blessing day with people this weekend who would not otherwise been able to come. I am so lucky to have a child close to you in age so that I can see where you would have been. I still think of you as a baby but you would not be that way anymore. You would definitely have opinions and I know that you and I would likely not see eye to eye on some things. I'm not blinded into thinking that you would perfect, but the more time that goes by, the more I wish you were here for those small family moments. 

This year has been really strange. It started with bringing your baby brother into the world in February and has been non-stop surprises since. I was told while you were still here that you would teach my future children about me, and I hold onto that fact. You knew that Felix would be born with his health issues and I beg you to stay by his side through it. So far he has been doing great but I think the unknown still scares me. Losing you was hard. Thinking about what lie ahead for him is almost too much. I guess I just thought that because of everything both Chris and I endured in the past, that we would have this one part of our lives that would be free from pain. Felix is near perfect and I can't believe how lucky we are to have him here. But, my mom heart hurts. I just want him to stay healthy and the one drug that could significantly change his life is still unavailable to us here. I pray that in the years to come that it will be accessible here. I am doing everything I can to raise awareness for it.  

I still have really hard days where I question if I am doing this right. I know it probably bugs Chris but jumping in and raising two teenage girls has been difficult sometimes. They are both in junior high and are starting out on those crucial years of lots of choices. I try my best to find that balance of parent, and someone they feel comfortable talking to. Girls in particular have lots of drama during those years. I know you would have added to the chaos but I would like to think, that you would be there for them as well as me. I have a hard time with the attitude sometimes and there is plenty of that in our home. 

How can I post this letter without bringing up Covid. I have lots of feelings and opinions that I could get into. But I won't. Just know that it has thrown a wrench into my ideas of how the last few months should've gone. Never would I have thought that one week after finally bringing home Felix, that I would be homeschooling the girls. I didn't get one week to just relax and finally allow myself to recover from birth. I went from the hospital, to running the house (laundry, cooking, cleaning), to homeschooling and having everyone home in three weeks. I love your brother and stepsisters, but I just wanted to have time to relax. I still haven't got that chance. There is always a long list of to-dos and I rarely get time to just read a book.  You would have been in grade two so I am sure that it would have been even more work to have a grade 1, 6, and 8 to have studies to help with. Luckily the girls really stepped up and most of the time did their school work without me having to watch them constantly. 

Overall though, life is so good. I love being a mom, and being able to watch Felix grow from babyhood has been such a blessing. I am finally able to prove to myself that I can be a good baby mom. It's not easy, but at least I have your step-dad here to help me out. 

Who knows what this upcoming year will bring, but know that I still wish you were here to ride it out with me. 

Happy birthday sweetheart.

Love,

Mom

It’s Not Always What You Plan

I wasn’t quite ready to share in my birth post but since I've processed it a bit, I feel like it’s appropriate to share a little more of my time in the Children’s Hospital. Where I left off was Chris heading to the Children’s with Felix; me, hours after giving birth, once again struggling to understand why the plan I carefully laid out was completely crushed. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that I should never have a plan, because when I do I’m left feeling disappointed that it never seems to go my way. Chris left with Felix and I was alone in a delivery room without my baby. They told us that once at the Children’s they would decide if he needed surgery right away. Lucky for us he didn’t that night, but it was rough on both Chris and I.

The next morning my parents came to get me and drive me to the Children’s where Chris and Felix were. Once there, I was brought back and finally got to see my little boy. Once I was settled the surgeon came in and explained what they thought was going on, they asked if there was a history of cystic fibrosis on either of our sides. My heart sank. My cousin Jared died a couple years ago and he had it, I had grown up watching him in and out of the hospital until finally he succumbed to the illness. My other cousin (his brother) also has a son with it so I’m no stranger to the long term care required to maintain a healthy body. I refused to believe that somehow I carried the gene and not only that, found someone who also did. No one on Chris’ side had it so it was a shock to him that it was even a possibility. 

Felix had surgery and over the next three weeks recovered remarkably well! In actuality he likely could’ve gone home a week before he did, but they were extra cautious in case his digestive system didn’t tolerate milk. Over the three weeks Chris and I went back and forth while the girls were passed from person to person. I really felt like I was failing all around. I felt guilty for not being with them, but guilty when I wasn’t with Felix. It was an awful position to be in and one I never wish on anyone. 

Two weeks after his birth we finally got the results; he indeed had CF. For those who don’t know, CF effects both the respiratory and digestive tracts and is a genetic inherited disease. His pancreas doesn’t create the enzymes needed to digestive food and his body creates a thick, sticky mucus often resulting in difficulty breathing and digesting. That sticky mucus was the reason he had a blockage in his intestine, the meconium couldn't pass so it blocked everything up. Poor boy. So far his lungs are fine but over time they may be affected. It is a gene that requires both parents to be carriers and there is a 1in 4 chance with every pregnancy that the baby will have it, 1 in 2 chance they will be carriers, and 1 in 4 that they will be neither a carrier or have it. Of course with our luck, our first baby had it. Currently there is no cure. 

We were told that he had to have digestive enzymes with every meal and have regular appointments at the Children’s Hospital to monitor his health. We just started his physio to get him used to having it done daily, so that when he does need the mucus to be broken up, it’s not a shock for him to have me pat him for an hour a day. It was a lot to take in and many tears were shed. But, I felt peace after the result. Felix is doing so well and you wouldn’t even know that he was so sick at birth. He showed the nurses and doctors how strong and resilient he is. Moving forward we have hope that one day there will be a cure. The states has a drug that comes pretty close and hopefully one day Canada can have that drug available too. We are also lucky that I have a good support in the family so Felix will have a buddy to talk him through the physio and breathing treatments he will have. I also have people I can turn to who understand the parenting challenges that come with it. Deep down I always knew I was a carrier. But as Melissa says “Felix wouldn’t be Felix without it”.

So far nothing has gone according to the plan. But I’m done guessing the future. What ever happens is out if my control, I can just do the things to make Felix’s life easier. I wish every parent had a Felix in their life. He’s such a sweet baby and more than I deserve and I know that he'll be just fine. I just hope that as he grows, he knows he is more than a kid with CF, he is so much more. He has a way of making everyone fall in love with him and before he was born I knew that this child was special. I had been waiting to meet the sweet, calm, and kind son that I saw in my dreams and here he is. I am constantly in awe of how wonderful he is. 

We know this journey will be long but we ask that you see him simply as Felix. I can't wait to see what the future holds for him.  

If you would like to know more about cystic fibrosis you can visit https://www.cysticfibrosis.ca/. 

True Meaning of Mother's Day

All my life I have wanted nothing more than to be a mother. I used to stare at all the babies and kids during our church services yearning for the day the mom holding those babies would be me. As I got older the excitement only increased, and when it came time for me to choose a profession I choose to be a childcare worker because that was one way I could truly do what I loved--caring for the children. I truly loved spending time with the children who were entrusted to me while their parents went to work. I developed a relationship with them and each one of them helped me grow into who I am today. They challenged me but at the end of the day I always saw how grateful their parents were to me and I couldn't wait to be the mom picking up her child. I loved seeing how both the child and the parent's faces lit up when they were reunited.

Eight years ago, I was pregnant with my first and the dreams I had of "the perfect family" were crumbling around me; pregnancy was hard on my body and the added stress of a marriage that was less than ideal was draining me. Through it all I couldn't wait until Mother's Day when I felt that maybe for just one day, I would be spoiled. It wasn't what I expected and honestly it was one of the worst days I had up until that point. All I could think was how next year would be different, next year I would hold my sweet baby girl on Mother's Day and all would be worth it. If you've been around long enough, you know that Ayla was not around the following Mother's Day and it became a day I dreaded. I know I am not alone in this feeling and on a day where you celebrate motherhood being childless is like a kick to the stomach, it comes in waves and you wish away the pain.

Three years ago I met two girls who also felt pain on Mother's Day and although it was for different reasons, we bonded. You see, on that day I gained a better understanding on what Mother's Day was about. It isn't just for biological mothers, it's a day to gather around the women who are there for us in what ever form that might take. I wasn't Melissa's mom, but I had a feeling to go over to Chris' early. He was still in bed and I was able to cry with her as she mourned the loss of her mom all over again. She also picked me up as she gave me a card acknowledging me as a mother too. It was also on that day that Chris promised that I would never have to spend Mother's Day childless again (he proposed a month later).

Last year was my first Mother's Day as a step mom and although it was still hard to not have my child celebrating with us, I had two other girls to pamper me. I never expect much because I know that I could never replace Pamella and I want them to remember her. But they surprised me, they made me feel like a mother for the first time ever. I know they aren't mine from birth, but they have become mine never the less. I love them as much as I love my own biological children. Little did I know last year that a little baby named Felix was just weeks away from making himself known through the ever familiar feeling of nausea.

This brings me to this year. For the first time in my life I am holding a baby. Chris asked me the other day if I like being a baby mom and as tears flooded my eyes I told him that I love it. Felix has come with his own set of health challenges that sometimes make my mom heart hurt. Then he smiles at me and I know that he choose to come to me, God knew I needed Felix in my home to help bring us all together. Watching the girls become big sisters has been a joy and I have seen Kaylee grow leaps and bounds since January. I love that they love him and have gained the opportunity to be here full time as we isolate during the craziness that 2020 has brought. So although I don't get to show off my family of five at church, I know that it will be a special one for me. I feel like everyone needs a Felix

I hope that all women feel loved tomorrow and know that having a child doesn't make you a mother, it's sharing the love you have to give to who ever needs it.

Felix’s Birth Story

I don’t know about you, but I love hearing birth stories. Chris can attest that during my pregnancy I was constantly watching birth vlogs and reading up on anything birth related. I even would end up in tears because reading and watching all those made me so excited to experience the miracle of birth again. Yes, I cried because I was excited. I’m odd.

Going in, naturally I had a plan and I had it all written up and ready to be implemented. I was going to wait until the contractions were five minutes apart (the doctor told me to wait until they were eight, I just knew that was too soon), I was going to get an epidural if I needed it, deliver with gravity as my friend, and have skin to skin right away. I told Chris of my plans and he warned me that things never go as planned, which I am aware, but I still wanted to try.

Leading up to Felix's birth I did everything I could to induce labor on my own. I ate spicy food, drank red raspberry leaf tea, bounced on my exercise ball, and ate so much pineapple my mouth burned (refer to picture below). I had hoped to go into labor on time or a bit early, but such was not the case.

Two days overdue, February 14th

Just like with Ayla I started contracting a couple days previous. I knew it was false labor at that point because I could talk and walk through the pain. They continued throughout the day. I figured when I couldn’t ignore them anymore than I would know it was real. So February 17th (Monday) I started having them about an hour apart. They were hurting, but not terrible yet. So I bounced on my ball and walked a lot, all the while trying to keep it from the girls in case it wasn’t the real thing. And I did. I just told them it was Braxton Hicks and that they would know when it was for real. It was also family day so Chris was home so I could hide up in my room for the afternoon because they were starting to hurt a bit. I was already five days past my due date and was ready to get the cute little boy out of me. Chris didn’t want to know the gender so I had kept it a secret for months. I was so ready for him to find out the babe inside me was a boy.

About midnight on February 18th my contractions were about ten minutes apart, I told Chris to wear ear plugs and a mask since I knew I was in for a long night. So for the next five hours I lay in bed trying to sleep meanwhile my body was contracting. At five in the morning I woke Chris up and told him it was time. He got ready, and called his mom to come watch the girls and we headed to the hospital. We got there about seven in the morning and by then my contractions were about three to five minutes apart. They checked me and by then I was only two centimeters dilated. So they gave me the choice of going home, or walking around the hospital for a while. Since we had already packed everything in the car I really didn't want to go home so we walked. And walked, And walked. Chris was such a huge support and by the time it was eleven o'clock we had been walking for three hours. I could barely stand and the pain was so intense that I was crying. I stopped monitoring the contractions and Chris had taken over. They were about two minutes apart before I told him I couldn't do it anymore and I wanted to be checked.

They checked me and I'm sure could tell that I was ready. I was between a four and five so they finally admitted me. After I got the epidural I felt much better and lay in bed until about six when they broke my water and hooked me up to some pitosin to get things moving. I was extremely nervous and started panicking a bit. With everything that happened with Ayla I just started reliving doing it all over again; having a baby and growing to love this tiny being more than I could imagine and with Ayla having her taken too soon. I just couldn't bare the thought of enduring that level of pain again. I knew this time would be so different but it was all bringing back memories. Chris held my hand and by the time it was time to push I was ready.

I pushed for half an hour before my sweet baby came rushing out, this time I looked down as I pushed and was able to see him come out; hair and all!
A tender moment was Chris getting to call out to the rest of the staff what the baby was. Chris can come off as hard to read sometimes but when I looked into his eyes I knew that he was thrilled to have a son.

Within minutes of Felix making his entrance they knew something was very wrong. His abdomen was enlarged and they were very concerned so Chris and Felix went to the NICU to get some x-rays done to see what the problem was. So here I am, laying on the bed realizing that what I had envisioned was not what would be happening. As soon as I could leave that room I did. By that time they knew that they couldn't care for Felix there so he was going to be transferred to the Children's Hospital. I wasn't allowed to be discharged so Chris and I had to make the decision on whether Chris would go with Felix, or stay with me. We decided he should join our little baby. We quickly went over our list of names we liked and decided that our cute baby looked like a Felix and his middle name came from Chris' grandfather who died a year and a half ago.

My nurse by this point had done her twelve hour shift and was suppose to go home. She left sobbing because she didn't want to leave me after finding out that Felix had a bowel obstruction and would likely require surgery. My new nurse who happened to be her sister-in-law told her she needed to go home and she would update her later on. So Felix and Chris left at two in the morning, leaving me alone. Even now it hurts to remember how hard that was. Knowing that all was not well and having an empty baby bed next to me. This was not my plan and after everything I had gone through in the past I was angry that God would allow me another child to have issues. I was allowed to go at seven in the morning, what's kinda funny looking back is that I never told them my epidural had not completely worn off on the one leg. It didn't wear off until two days later which is probably not normal but I was afraid they wouldn't let me go if I told them so I didn't. Luckily it did wear off eventually :P.

I could go into the three week stay we had in the Children's but that would make for a very long post. They surgically removed the obstruction, the dead tissue, and both appendixes (yes he had two, because why not?) two days later. All Felix has to show for it is a tiny scar on his abdomen. He healed much quicker than they thought he would and things are moving through his body normally. Yes, my birth experience was extremely traumatic, but I am so grateful he came home before COVID-19 became a pandemic. I don't know if I could've handled the rule of only one parent in the room at a time for three weeks straight.

Felix is such a good natured baby and we are lucky to have him. With all that behind us, I can see that there were small blessings along the way and I know that going forward Felix's road won't be easy, but I am so glad he's mine!

Welcome Home Felix

I'd like to introduce you to the littlest of the Branton bunch, Felix. He is sweet and such a joy despite his challenges. I'll write up a full birth story one day, but for now know that little Felix is home from the hospital and doing great. He was born with an intestinal blockage that prevented him from digesting in utero and after. Two days after his birth he had surgery to remove that blockage and some of the bad small intestine, then attach the good part of the small to the large. As a bonus they removed both of his appendices (yes, he had two).

The little man has already spent almost three weeks in the NICU being poked, prodded, and monitored to make sure food can pass through his little body. All systems work if you catch my drift and we are thrilled to have him home. The girls were not able to officially meet him until two days ago and already, they love him to pieces. I don't know how I have been so lucky to have four beautiful children both in my home, and in heaven.

Welcome baby Felix!

Ayla's Stocking; Remembering Those Who Are Still in Pain

It November! That means that we are kicking off my favourite time. When those crazies out there (myself included) are ramping up for Christmas as early as we can, I am also thinking about how I want to best present this year's Ayla's Stocking service project. Through the years it's grown into a tradition that even if no one else contributed, I'd still drive all the way to the Hospice and deliver what toys I can. I love that I can feel like I am giving back in the small way I know how. I don't know the families personally, but I do know that the small gifts I got but in the hospital, and later, hospice still mean so much to me. I have my Ayla box filled with little things that I received while there and even seven years later, I remember everything with clarity.

This year has been different in that in mid-May I became pregnant. It makes it more real knowing that my family is moving on without Ayla. I always knew, and prayed, that I would eventually be able to bring a child into the world again. With that came very real fears, I remember everything that happened leading up to Ayla's diagnosis, and later her death. I have this fear that this time won't be different, that I will lose this baby just as I lost Ayla. It's terrifying. For me, it's reminded me that although I have my rainbow baby on the way, that there are many families who are where I was seven years ago, ones who have no hope that their family could ever move forward from this. In the thick of everything you just do what you can to survive. I only had Ayla but more often than not there are families with other children who are struggling too.

You become a different person after losing a child, or even having a child who is terminally ill and crisis could strike at any time. I often forget those families in these posts, the ones who trek forward year after year never knowing which Christmas could be their last. I have the deepest respect for those who continue to fight even on the days when they feel there is nothing left to give. The hospice here not only provides a safe place for those who are losing their child, but also provides care for the child who's parents deserve a much needed weekend off once in a while.

In the seven years(!) I've been doing this it's become apparent to me that although it's been so long, I don't think anyone can truly heal. Year after year I shed tears over the mom I wished I could be for Ayla versus the one I am for my new family. I can't imagine trying to endure all I did during that period of time while having other children to look after. One of the biggest questions I had was how to incorporate my new children in with Ayla. Some children are old enough to remember their sibling but some aren't, the pain of knowing that can become all consuming. One year the hospice allowed the children in the house to "shop" for gifts to give their siblings, a luxury that they may never get again. Imagine the significance of knowing that the last Christmas you had with that child was filled with such tender memories and hopefully some smiles. It doesn't fix the pain in the years to come, but definitely helps.

This year I will be collecting the gifts from now until December 13th when I will take them to the hospice myself.  As always there a few ways you can contribute; if you are in the Calgary region you can contact me personally. My parents house is also a drop off location if you live closer to them. You can also contact me via email (julie.branton6@gmail.com), phone, text, Facebook, or Instagram for more information.

Here is a refresher on some of the things you can give;

       - Infant rattles, rings, teether type toys

       - Gift cards that can be given to families (Toys R Us, Walmart, Tim Horton's...)

       - Pajamas of varying sizes

       - Craft kits (with supplies all enclosed) or small boxes of pencil crayons, crayons, markers, etc.

       - Musical toys (anything that plays sounds or music, push button toys...)

       - Slippers (children and adults)

       - One-size fits all stretchy gloves

       - Toques and winter hats

       - Books (mostly infant and teen books)

       - Board games (for any age)

       - Sensory games (for any age)

       - Teen items (nail polish, journals, hair accessories, etc.)

These are just some ideas, if you have ones of your own then by all means go for it.

As always I thank you for the outpouring of love given to me. As my family grows and changes I appreciate that people still want to contribute. This has become something that my girls look forward to doing each year and can't wait to expand it to little babe next. Please find a way to serve this Christmas season and I can't wait to watch as the spirit of Christmas floods the world.

Belated Birthday Letter

Dear Ayla,
I am so sorry that I didn't write you on your birthday, and I'll get to why in a minute. You are seven my dear, SEVEN! It's hard to fathom that you would be in grade one, you would be independent, sassy, and you're own person with your own ideas. As I was dropping off Kaylee on the first day of school it was a reality check that this year is her last year in elementary and watching her with a little girl we babysit reminded me that she would have been so good to you. Both your stepsisters would have been.

I miss you, as always, but with having two girls at home and one unknown babe on the way my life is pretty hectic, which actually is nice. I'm pretty sure that up in heaven you laugh at all the circumstances that you see me try to navigate. Melissa is a teen and Kaylee wants to be a teen. It's hard some days but I can only imagine the chaos which would ensue if you were here too. I am so grateful that my new family has taken you in as their own family and I can't wait for the day that everyone gets to meet. You've already met the girls mom, and I know that she loves you too. Heck, I'm positive that you two conspire some days to see how far I can be pushed, but at the same time I find comfort in knowing that you and Pamella are just an arm reach away ready to step in to help me through those hard days. And believe me, there are plenty.

One would think after so many years I would be able to move past those tears every year. At times I wish I could talk to your Great Grandma Wood about her loss. Did she cry years down the road? Did she think of you every time she felt Aunt Kathy kick inside her? How did she not become over-protective when her kids were sick? If you could, could you please ask her to send down some pointers. This pregnancy has been different in many ways but one is being reminded of my last, and being terrified of what this babe's future holds.

I finally figured out why I am having such a hard time writing this for you. It took a video about grief for me to recognize it, but I finally came to terms with it. I'm pregnant again, and with that all my previous fears have been weighing on me. My life is so different than the first time I wrote you and I am so very sorry I was not the mother you deserved me to be. My life was a mess and you were my shining star. Had it not been for you, I would have stayed in a very toxic environment, losing myself along the way. I loved you so much Ayla and you have to know that.

My greatest fear is this; how do I be a mom to the new babe? I am not the mom I was to you, or even to Melissa and Kaylee, this is totally new, and with how fast you got sick I worry more than I should. Mainly I am scared that the new babe will feel overshadowed by her sister that she never knew. In the video I was watching, the father talked about how he was his daughter's father, but he feared that he wouldn't be the same father to his son. This expressed my feelings exactly. I want to be the happy mom I always wanted to be for you. I know it wasn't my fault but I was so stressed and exhausted that I never felt that I was doing a good enough job. I just want this new babe to know you, to come to love you as much as the girls and I have. At the same time I know that I am a different person than I was eight years ago when I first got pregnant, or even seven when you were born. I've grown in many ways, but I have also gained some pretty scary perspectives that cause me a bit of anxiety over what will come next. Between Chris and I this is our fourth baby. I never had a husband who was there, and you never had a dad with us 24/7. I had family of course and your grandparents and uncles helped so much, but ultimately, you were my child and eventually we would have to figure out how being in a divorced parent situation would work. In many ways your death helped alleviate some of that pressure, but the cost was high.

It's a strange watching your two older sisters getting to know you through me. I never thought that they would come to think of you as part of the family, especially when they never knew you. This brings me some comfort, knowing that no matter how our family changes over the upcoming years, that you will always be part of it. I know that the baby and you spent a great deal of time together and I hope that will continue to help us all in this new transition.

I love you sweet girl.
-Mom

The video that helped me write this letter.