Ten Years of Ayla's Stocking!

Where has the time gone? I feel like the summer just ended and here we are in full fledged winter. I've seen Christmas lights up, parties being advertised and already every weekend in November is accounted for.  This year hits different for me, for the last two Christmas' covid has claimed so much joy and happiness so the thought of having a normal Christmas makes me feel like there is hope again. I am fully aware that things may never be 'normal' again, but I'll take what I get. 

This year marks ten Christmas' of collecting toys for the hospice. Ten years ago I had a newborn and now I continue to celebrate her in anyway I can. What started as something to help me get through the holidays has become my favorite part of Christmas. I am not the Julie that I was all those years ago. I have scars and also a family to share this with. For me, this was always the point, I wanted my kids to know that they had a beautiful sister who unfortunately can't reside earth-side with us, but none the less, she is part of the family. My little Felix frequently talks about baby Ayla in heaven and I"m so excited that he will be able to take part in this wonderful tradition. My two older ones are always excited to help me organize and pack the car. The first year we were married Kaylee and Melissa came with me, but since then, they haven't been able to set foot in the hospice. 

As always here is a refresher of what I do. Every year I collect toys, books, and clothes for the hospice to deliver to families staying there through the holidays. My hope is and has always been to bring a smile to faces that may not always feel seen. Being in the hospice can feel very isolating and I am happy to let families know that someone cares about them and their pain.

As a reminder here are some things you can donate. 

       - Infant rattles, rings, teether type toys

       - Gift cards that can be given to families (Toys R Us, Walmart, Tim Horton's...)

       - Pajamas of varying sizes

       - Craft kits (with supplies all enclosed) or small boxes of pencil crayons, crayons, markers, etc.

       - Musical toys (anything that plays sounds or music, push button toys...)

       - Slippers (children and adults)

       - One-size fits all stretchy gloves

       - Toques and winter hats

       - Books (mostly infant and teen books)

       - Board games (for any age)

       - Sensory games (for any age)

       - Teen items (nail polish, journals, hair accessories, etc.)

These are just some ideas, if you have ones of your own then by all means go for it.

I'll be collecting until December 19th.  I'm always in awe over how wonderful you all are to me. Even if you can't donate, find a way to serve this year, we all need a little extra love <3

Dear 2012 Julie

Dear 2012 Julie, 

I know in this picture you are thinking that life can’t get any worse. You’re scared and you don’t know what life holds, I’m sorry to tell you, but it’ll get a lot worse for a while. You’re going to question everything Julie and there will be times you think your heart can’t handle anymore heartbreak. It’ll feel like you are breathing but not alive, that if you could only stop crying and start feeling nothing, it would be better than feeling everything. 

You are compassionate and see the best in people when no one else can. Yes, feeling numb does feel good but it’s not what life is meant to be. That bump right there will be the reason you keep feeling, keep fighting, and eventually, the reason you leave that home that still haunts your dreams. Ayla is her name, she’s stubborn, sweet, and shockingly aware for a baby. She knows you need her and with every kick you realize more and more that you can’t succumb to the darkness. Keep going to the temple and keep remembering that those promises you are keeping are protecting her from the devils that try to possess you. 

There are so many scary moments ahead and I guarantee that you will feel what Joseph felt in the grove, hell pulling you into the darkness. But on the flip side you will never be closer to God and the moments that you are the most afraid, are the times they will be there the most. Hold tight to those experiences, they will mean everything to you in the future. 

Enough of the hard parts. There is so much joy not long from now, it won’t be with the man you are trying to save, but with another man who is everything you need. No one is perfect but he cares, and he is well worth the wait. When Ayla is born you’ll want to find someone who will help you raise her in the gospel and to protect you both. He will be that. He will never meet Ayla but know that she is just as excited as you to one day be part of an eternal family who all will love each other. There will be other children who will make you feel whole again. Just hold on a little longer. I promise you’ll have everything you ever wanted. 

So remember that even though things are bleak and you have lots of healing ahead, that you will move on. And you will be okay. I know in this picture it doesn’t feel that way, but you will, and you are far stronger than you feel. I love that woman because she is the start of why you are the person you are today. 

Continue to smile dear Julie. 

Love, 

2022 Julie 

Sigh...2022 Already?

 I've been pretty quiet on here and the posts I usually keep up with like Ayla'a birthday letter, an overview of how Ayla's Stocking went, or my usual post about my word for the new year have fallen by the way side. Every time I went to write something I would start but I just could never finish. It's not that I don't enjoy blogging anymore or that I have nothing to say, but finally today I think I figured it out. I'm tired. 

I don't have to tell you how draining the last two years have been because we all have experienced it. I don't have to say how robbed I have felt because we all have made sacrifices. I also don't have to write my opinions out boldly because we all have our own. Mainly I'm just tired of all of it. I hate that the mother I have become is one of constant anxiety and tears. I crave interactions and over the last two years I have experienced first hand how tough it can get when you can't reach out. All of us in some way are struggling but when we are all struggling who has the energy to reach out to help others? 

Look on the instagram highlight reel full of snippets of other's lives. You see a tiny piece of their reality and I know I'm guilty of this too, I show the happy moments "look how great I'm doing!" "see how happy we are at home?!" "I picked up this new skill with all the extra time". But we don't show the mental health issues that have come from the lack of socialization, the moments where our kids cry when yet another important moment can't be shared, or even how my youngest child thinks this is all normal; all the hoops we jump through, the masks, the panicked look of another parent when you get too close, he even knows that we have to stand on the predetermined dots at the store! 

What started as a few weeks has turned into a new reality and with every new restriction I have felt myself fall deeper and deeper into the mindset that I will never have my life back to what it was. I don't want to come across as ungrateful because I know that my son is safe because rules were put in place to keep him healthy but it's so hard to watch him grow up thinking that playing with others is risky. I have watched my teens get more and more frustrated that they can't just be kids and hang out with friends. Melissa is in high school and just yesterday took her first final since grade 7. Kaylee has her own struggles that are not mine to share but it just hurts my mom heart to see all this unfold and know you can do nothing but push on in the hopes that you are shaping them into good hard working kids who will become resilient adults. I just hate watching them grow up in front of a computer screen instead of in the real world. Is this what it's come to, that everything from school to church is done virtually now? That a book club can't meet in a home but at the local coffee shop is okay? I am just mentally exhausted from trying to justify to my kids why one thing is safe and another is not, while at the same time trying to keep them from becoming bitter about all the rules because once you start down that road it's hard to see past it and soon you don't see the joy at all. If someone has figured out how to do all this let me know. 

I know this is a depressing post but I just wanted to be honest as I have always been. I really am doing alright but I am putting this out there so hopefully other parents know they are not alone. I just pray that through all this we can see how important we are to each other. I look forward to the day that I can give a hug without a second thought. 

Let's hope this year unfolds into something wonderful :). 

Another Covid Ayla's Stocking

 This year has been flying by and I can't believe that we are a month and a half away from another Christmas! I feel like this year I've been playing catch up and now I am just starting to think about all that the Christmas season brings, including my yearly donation to the hospice in Ayla's name. I have been reflecting a lot on Ayla and her life the last couple weeks as I spend a great deal of time in the hospital with Felix.

I had an experience last week as we were doing a bunch of testing for Felix. One of the tests was a x-ray of Felix's lungs. I had to watch them put him in this tube-like thing so that he wouldn't move. I was waiting outside and as I was listening to my poor boy screaming I looked up to see the sign for MRI and CT scans and my mind went right to those hours spent in that exact spot. I was in the PICU with Ayla so I didn't enter through the usual way to those rooms and this caught me off guard. It took a few minutes of deep breaths to remind myself that I was with Felix in 2021 not with Ayla in 2012. Though Felix's testing was routine and nothing to be concerned about I felt very taken back with memories and with feelings of sadness that it doesn't matter where you are in life, those memories stick. 

Right now with the pandemic still at the forefront of people's minds I know that I"m tired and I can only imagine how isolating those who have immunocompromised children feel. Felix is at a point with his health that I know that if he were to catch a cold he would be fine. For some that's not the case. If Ayla had been sick during covid I would not have had the support I had back in 2012. It would have been Arles and I for three weeks and honestly, I can't imagine doing it alone; I had visitors and I had my family all there to support me. Last year's Christmas was hard, but I feel like this years will be even more difficult for those staying both in the hospice, and the hospital. 

As with everything else, covid had changed how we do things so this year's Ayla's Stocking will be different as well. My usual list is much smaller but my contact said that now more than ever, they really need these donations. Covid has hit many families hard and with so many in and out of work they can't afford or even have the mental capacity to handle very hard diagnosis'. 

This year they are requesting:

    -Gift cards of any kind (Walmart, Michaels, Toys R Us, Starbucks, Tim Horton's)

    -New toys in the package

They can't take any clothes or books at this time. A good rule of thumb is, as long as it's easily able to be sanitized, it's okay to give. I plan to deliver them mid December, I'm just waiting on Felix's bronchoscopy procedure appointment to know for sure when I will be there next. 

I hope that next year we can get back to "normal" but I thank you for your help through not only my hard times, but other's as well. The best way I have found to help my mental health, is to reach out to others when I can. Please find someone to serve this holiday season. We all need it :).

Mother's Day 2021

It seems that the longer I am an adult, the more I learn about motherhood and womanhood in general. It seems like as a child, and for me, even as a teenager I thought about all the grand parts of having children in my life. I mean, they are pretty cute, and of course they will just love you all the time. The tiny tantrums and sleepless nights will be minuscule compared to the hours of love and affection you get. And of course, you will love it all the time. 

Not to burst any bubbles, but it's not fun all the time. There are so many days that I question if I am even doing a good enough job. I have two teenagers and one baby who's needs are vastly different, trying to give any child exactly what they need has been a steep learning curve. Aside from being a stepmom and being thrown right in, I also got thrown into being a mom to a medical needs child. Most days it's okay, but others I am left feeling defeated.

I always thought moms had it together. They knew exactly what to say and they knew how to be patient and kind even when things were crazy. Then I became a mom. Boy was I wrong. I wonder if the way I handle things will lead to my child talking about me in therapy one day and if I am fostering an environment where they feel loved. I do know that I'm doing my best and that likely I won't screw them up too much. But I have had some really low moments over the last year. We all have. 

When I started thinking about this post a month ago I thought about all the lessons I had learned that I didn't want to but than I remembered how much I wanted this. When Ayla died I would cry and cry thinking that I had been wronged. How the only thing I ever wanted to be was a mom. Here I am eight years later doing exactly that. 

I first had to navigate how to feel like a mother with other peoples children and I learned that being a mother is so much more than biology. It is loving and caring for those around you like you would your own family. My job was so good for that, I learned that in those I cared for eyes, I was a role model and a safe place. And I didn't always like it, but I always loved it. 

Now I have the same mentality; I don't always like it, but I will always love it. I sometimes don't handle it the best, I sometimes question my sanity, and I am not perfect. But I think that showing that isn't all bad, my kids know that no matter what, I choose to be there every day. Especially with my two oldest they didn't come to me in the traditional way, I choose to be their mom and although they may not like me sometimes, and I definitely struggle with attitude being thrown my way, I still love them. 

So this Mother's Day I want to remind you that

•  You don't need to be perfect
• You don't have to feel like you need to like it all the time
• It's okay to have off days
• Biology is a small part in motherhood
• You can do this

I hope that next year we woman can hug and support each other more. Have a wonderful Mother's Day whether you're a mom through your own children, or in your heart. 

2021: Please be Better

 Looking back I realized last year I never made a word of the year. I always meant to but between nearing the end of my pregnancy, than everything that came after I just got swept up in life and survival mode. Honestly 2020 was not the best year for me. I learned many lessons for sure but not one thing I planned went my way. Even going into this year I just feel tired. I believe we can all relate, 2020 just about did us all in and the way it ended here didn't leave much hope that this year will be better. Mental health wise we all took a hit and speaking for myself I really struggled. As if Covid wasn't enough adding the fact that during this year only one parent was allowed to go for Felix's appointments at the CF clinic was extremely difficult and overwhelming, not that Chris would come to many otherwise, but those first few months there wasn't one appointment that I didn't leave feeling defeated. I think the only time I felt more anxious and alone was 2012 but at least then I was able to feel arms around me engulfing me in a hug. This year lacked the human need of touch, we were all robbed of that. I hope that we can regain that ability soon.  

Okay, enough of the doom and gloom because there's enough of that out there. 2020 also held some really great moments. I was able to bring my son into the world, and it never ceases to amaze me what the body can do. Even now I look at him and wonder how I was able to grow this tiny person with his own personality; he truly has been my light this year. Even on my worst days I had him relying on me for his every need and the smile on his face when I go to get him always brought me a smile. He is such a sweet baby and we were lucky to have him. Chris was also able to be here for all the special moments he otherwise would have missed out on. Not to mention Felix adores him. I always knew that Felix would be his shadow but it's neat to see that come through. He loves his daddy. 

Because of 2020 lockdowns Melissa and Kaylee were able to spend so much time with not only Chris and I, but Felix as well. I was young when my siblings were born and I know that in the long run the girls will take the lessons they learned in our home during this time to heart. I was able to have some real conversations and talk through some hard things. I'm not a perfect mother and they saw that first hand, it's scary but I think it's so important that they see that I'm human too and I have some scars that I still have to work through. They struggled too. All of us were used to at least a little time apart with sleepovers and friend dates but we were forced to spend A LOT of time together. I hope that when they become adults they look back and are grateful that we spent so much time together. 

Felix didn't know what he was missing because for him masks and distancing was normal. I hate to say this is a precursor for what CF may one day bring him but it's opened my eyes to how vigilant we have to be about hygiene. Washing hands, staying home when ill, and sanitizing high traffic areas like doorknobs and light switches is second nature now. My only regret with Felix is that he hasn't learned to socialize with other babies. I think for all covid babies it'll be a shock when they suddenly are thrown into situations where they have to share and play. It's pretty sad actually that these kids are learning to be afraid of others rather than just being able to play and interact. Children learn so much from play, I hope that Felix will be able to learn this skill soon. 

Now, for 2021 my word is health. My mental health, my physical health, and my spiritual health. 

I neglected my mental health so much last year that it messed with my ability to function normally. Not only that, but I felt I couldn't reach out because we weren't allowed to be within 6 feet of each other. Even my counsellor was told in March that unless there was a suicidal client that they were not suppose to take anyone on. That didn't sit well with her so she gave me her number in case I needed her. It took until May for me to have a meeting with her and then by November it was back to what it was. So this year I am going to try to listen to what my body is telling me and seek out help even if I feel silly for doing so. To this day I doubt anyone other than my family truly knew how bad I was getting. 

To go along with that is my physical health. With a baby it's really hard to take time for yourself at the best of times. But I felt the need to be super mom and my physical health suffered because of it. I take full responsibility for how I pushed myself but sometimes all you need is a nap and some veggies. And my girls and Chris are fully capable of making their own lunches. I allowed my perfectionist ways to trump what my body is telling me. Already I told them that there will be times that I will take some time for myself and not have all the dishes done, laundry in the wash, and Felix's toys picked up. I've already taken some steps to improve how I feel about myself, and already feel better for it!

Last is spiritual health. Much of how I feel rides on my ability to connect to God and not that it's for everyone, but for me I love worshiping with others. Pretty much from the time I gave birth until now I have had a disconnect from God. This is hard to explain but honestly I was angry that after everything thrown both Chris and my way he would add what I felt was a death sentence to my son (I have since learned that there is so much hope for him but at the time all I knew was my cousin died from CF). I was looking forward to feeding off others spirits while I regained my faith, then things shut down and I wasn't able to do that anymore. It's been a struggle and many nights of going through the motions. I feel Him more than I did in March but I'm still working to get back to where I was before this all happened. I know He loves me and is fully aware of my struggles but I hope that as I focus more on rebuilding that trust that I come out stronger than I was before. 

Well, that was a novel and kudos to you if you made it this far. So really I just hope that by this time next year we will all be able to say that we made it out in one piece. If you are feeling alone like I was please reach out and know that you are not alone. 

Let's make 2021 better! 

Covid Ayla's Stocking

This year has been so strange, looking back it's hard to believe that from March until now we have lived in a state of fear from a pandemic that swept the nation so fast. It’s been extremely stressful and in thinking about what Ayla’s Stocking would look like this year, I wondered if it would even be possible, so when someone I know from church reached out I knew it was a sign that despite everything going on, I need to still run it. I contacted the person who I know from my days at the hospice and asked her if it was something I could still do, because for me it would be heartbreaking to not be able to help this year. She said with some boundaries in place it was still possible. 

Having Felix in my life makes me appreciate how lucky I truly am, he’s been well taken care of and even though I have monthly appointments, he’s thriving. Not all parents are so lucky. Even if the world has shut down, there are still families that are suffering and maybe even more so than ever before. The hospital implemented a rule shortly after covid broke out that only one parent is allowed in the hospital at a time, and no siblings what so ever. Can you imagine how isolating that would be? Not only is your child ill, but you have to sit there alone with them. I know that when I was in the hospital alone with Felix that it was hard, especially when I received his official diagnosis I was alone in the room at the time. It was one of the more difficult times of my life. 

It seems like so much time has passed but at the same time, no time at all. Being at the hospital monthly has given me even more empathy for those who have medically fragile children. I see the families that go in there and I see the look of exhaustion in the parent's eyes. Sometimes I even see someone in the parking lot eating in their car because the other parent is inside with their child. I have so much respect for those who are there all day every day. 

With Ayla and now with Felix I know that I can't take anything for granted. Life is so precious and every moment matters. Having the strength to move forward takes incredible faith and I hope that especially this year, riddled with fear and loneliness, that the people in the hospice, as well as the hospital know that they will never be alone. There is always someone who cares and who wishes they could just wrap their arms around them allowing them to let go of all the built up stress. 

My hope is that this year we can give even more. Not that people don't need to know they are loved before, but this year has been so hard on so many. I just hope that these gifts will allow them to feel a giant hug around them when this virus prevents even the most natural of instincts. 

This year because I go to the children's hospital every month anyway I decided to combine the two, so I will be collecting things until December 1st. As always there a few ways you can contribute; if you are in the Calgary region you can contact me personally. My parents house is also a drop off location if you live closer to them. You can also contact me via email (julie.branton6@gmail.com), phone, text, Facebook, or Instagram for more information.

Here is a refresher on some of the things you can give;

       - Infant rattles, rings, teether type toys

       - Gift cards that can be given to families (Toys R Us, Walmart, Tim Horton's...)

       - Pajamas of varying sizes

       - Craft kits (with supplies all enclosed) or small boxes of pencil crayons, crayons, markers, etc.

       - Musical toys (anything that plays sounds or music, push button toys...)

       - Slippers (children and adults)

       - One-size fits all stretchy gloves

       - Toques and winter hats

       - Books (mostly infant and teen books)

       - Board games (for any age)

       - Sensory games (for any age)

       - Teen items (nail polish, journals, hair accessories, etc.)

These are just some ideas, if you have ones of your own then by all means go for it.

This year it is my hope that we can give what we can and make sure the end of this very odd year can be a good one for these families.