It Pays To Be Open

For many years my blog has been an outlet for words that I sometimes don't feel I can adequately express in any other way. It started out as a small insight to my life--if you go back to 2009 you can see the silly things I thought were important. But as the years have gone on it became less of the insignificant things in my everyday life and more of a lifeline that I needed to have a voice. My cousin Charlotte wrote a few years ago about her blog voice and as time has gone on I've grown and developed my own unique blog voice.

I tried different things out and explored how to best represent me without giving out everything. In 2012 I took a break and tried to be cryptic in what little I did write but I didn't feel like I was being honest, I tried to write happy 'fluff' posts but again it never felt genuine. I don't think it was until after this post that I finally discovered my blog voice; my voice is not about trying to please the audience or writing about the small moments in my day to day life. It's about my raw emotions and the things that matter most to me.

Clearly my religion is important to me and what held me together through everything I experienced. I know not everyone believes the way I do, and that's perfectly fine. But for me it has become everything and part of who I am. And as long as I blog I will continue to write about how wonderful God has been to me. There was a point that I could've turned away from Him, and I probably would've felt justified in doing so because my life was crumbling to pieces and he wasn't stopping it. But in my mind I couldn't afford to. If I didn't believe he truly cared about me or that Ayla lived on, what would've been left for me? That belief held me together and brought some personal insights that I would not have reached otherwise. 

For a while I didn't talk about the hard things because they are...well...painful and not the picture you try to paint online. You want people to see how perfect your life is. You want people to believe you have it all; a perfect marriage, a beautiful baby girl on the way, and the perfect job--the picture perfect life. So to finally admit to the world that life is not unfolding the way you imagined it was was incredibly difficult. 

But, if it wasn't for that moment in 2012 I don't think I would be where I am. When I finally opened up and allowed people to see me for me, imperfections and all. I believe it helped to make me human and more relatable. But it also allowed you to sit back and watch my journey in rebuilding my life. And to be part of it. That is the purpose behind my writing I believe. I want to allow people who feel alone in their experiences and who feel that life will never get better to see that it can, and will, be wonderful again.

I know often when I write it's just another post about my life and often Ayla (let's be honest, she makes an appearance every time I write ;) )But what I really want is to provide hope in someone's life. If I can help just one person feel less alone then I've served my purpose. 

I can't tell you the number of times over the past month that I have been told that I have helped them in one way or another. I don't usually see or hear the effects of my testimony and my words on others. I often don't feel like I'm making a difference but those few moments let me know that I indeed have helped someone in some way. 

I do hope that as you read through my deepest (and sometimes outright ridiculous) thoughts you can begin to understand me as a person. The best way to figure out why people act a certain way is to understand what experiences they have had to bring them to the point they are at.

It pays off to be open about your biggest hurts. And you never know who might be needing it.