Happy 5th Birthday!

Dearest Miss Ayla,
Five years? How could five years go by this fast?! Here I am 26 years old and feel like it was only a short time ago I was 21 and a new mother. I had no idea what I was doing but all I knew was that there was no one in the world that I loved more than you. There's not a day that goes by that I don't miss you and wish you were navigating this new part of my life with me. I was promised in the hospital that you would be with me every step of the way but I so wish it wasn't from the other side of the veil. 

I see all the kids your age and I try to not get too far into the "what if's" but sometimes I can just imagine you and your stubborn personality--where you got that from I'm not sure, because I'm not stubborn in the least right? I know that we would butt heads and I know that there would be days where you would refuse to wear the perfectly matched outfit I picked out for you and opt for the pink tutu and crocs instead. You would play shy but around me and people close to you it would be a totally different child. Despite all that I would still love you fiercely. And I would do my best to parent you. Even if you didn't like it. That's what parents are for right?

Last year I talked about how it was harder than most and how I felt like I was learning a lot about myself as an individual. I feel like I was being prepared for what would come this year. Funny how that works.

This year has flown by faster than most and part of that reason is because shortly before your death day I met someone. He is so good to me Ayla. And he understands those days when my tears flow and I miss you. I know you are here and I know for sure you had a hand in this. He is everything I could have hoped for and I am so glad I stuck it out waiting. He teases me (thought you would get a kick out of that), he's smart, kind, handy, and most importantly he treats me well. I love him and his kids more than I could've dreamed. 

That hole in my heart that has been aching for years hasn't felt as overpowering as it once was. I still miss you, don't get me wrong, but being able to hang out with Chris and the kids has helped me in so many ways. I sit in church and tear up because I still can't believe I'm as lucky as I am. I didn't think I would feel that way again because everytime I do something happens and I get a swift kick in the pants. So far though, it's been so great. I have met so many new people this year and shared moments with them where I realized that my life isn't all that different than others. We all have trials but being able to talk freely about you and have people understand the ache and loss of losing a child has helped me immensely. I have so many wonderful people I have met this year. They have embraced me with open arms. I would never adequately be able to put in words how welcome I feel. 

One of the most tender moments was when I was talking to Chris' youngest. She asked me if you were still around, if I would bring you to visit too. I assured her I would and she seemed so excited about that prospect. She and her older sister like to look at videos of you. And LOVE to talk about what you were like. They understand pain too my dear and so those moments make it all the more tender. You would love to bug them and I'm not sure if they would like you being around quite as much as they would like to think but I think you would all three get along quite well. 

This year I was released from my calling and it was time. For the first while I didn't know what to do with myself but I have settled into a new normal. I finally feel like I have finished the work I needed to finish in the YSA scene. Having the experience of having you did set me apart from the rest of the people but I learned so much from the sisters I served. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone but it helped me relate a little to things other YSA are going through. At this point I am at cross roads as to where I would best fit--family or YSA. I haven't made up my mind entirely but I feel like both choices are good ones. We'll see in the next couple months where I end up. 

I still have a hard time envisioning myself being a mother to a five year old now. So much has changed, and yet, so much is still the same. I don't feel like I've changed all that much, I know I have but you always look at people who are older than you and think "they seem to have their life together. By the time I'm their age I'll have it all figured out too". How wrong that thinking is! I've realized the older I get the less I feel like I've figured out. Is that how all adults feel? I sure hope so. I have changed and I am not who I once was. But my quirks are still the same. And I think that's actually a good thing. I may not be able to embarrass you here on earth but hey, watching from heaven as I tell your funniest moments is the same thing right? :p. Right.

A couple weeks ago we welcomed Uncle Chris home! Two years flew by and here we are reunited for the first time in three years. I love family. And I love the man who Chris became. He went through a lot on his mission and I know just like you are there for me, you were there for him as well. You are like our own personal guardian angel. Chris asked me a question a month ago about if I had the power to stop your death knowing everything I know now, would I? And I felt like that was a loaded question...I don't have the full answer but I know that I became who I am because of my experiences. I likely would not have met all the people I did, nor would I have been in the callings I was in.  I believe that everything did happen for a reason, as painful as that was. But, having the power to stop your suffering? That would be an incredibly difficult choice, and one I am glad I never had to make. So I guess I never did give him a straight answer, rather I reflected on what your death taught me. I will always wish there was another way to learn the lessons I did...but nothing I do can change the outcome. What I can control is how I live my life. And life is oh so wonderful.

I still have moments where I wish more than anything you were here to share in the day to day life with me. I always thought the longer someone is gone, the easier things become. But, I've learned that grief takes on many forms and no matter how long it's been there will always be an empty space. That sounds daunting doesn't it? :P. But I have accepted and learned to roll with what ever emotions I feel. Some days are better than others. I am just so lucky to have been given the opportunity to be your mother, and that is a title that will never be taken away from me. I was and am still a mother and that is because five years ago today after a strenuous labor I was finally able to hold you in my arms and knew that life would never be the same again. True to those feelings I had then, my life changed. I have never known a deeper love then what I felt that day. It doesn't matter how long it's been, or the distance that separates us, you are my child and I am your mother. And that in itself is something to be celebrated.

I suppose that's it for this letter Ayla. I miss you and hope that in heaven you get a lovely birthday party (do they do that in heaven? I hope so).

Love always,
Mom