For those who are not aware, I am LDS. I belong to a church where we believe that apostles and prophets lead God's church today and recently our beloved prophet Thomas S. Monson passed away leaving me with mixed emotions. There are so many things I could write about, and if you are remotely familiar with him you know how much his family and him gave to this church. He was called to be a bishop in his early 20s and by the time he was 36, he had been called as a member of the Quorum of the Twelve, with his youngest being only three years old.
He served the remainder of his life as a general authority and later as prophet. When I heard of his passing, all I could think was how wonderful that reunion in heaven would have been! The last few years without his wife must have been extremely trying. Having someone to come home to after a long day of work is such a blessing, and I am sure more than once she was his sounding board as he talked through some of the challenges he was facing as he struggled to lead the church in the way it needed to go. His wife gave her husband to the church and when she left, I feel like a piece of him also went with her. I can't imagine how hard that would be.
President Monson served his entire life until the end. In this month's Ensign magazine put out by the church, he spoke on kindness and forgiveness. What a way to leave your legacy! His final words were ones of love and encouragement. All he ever wanted was for the members to be kind and serve one another.
January is particularly difficult for me. Aside from the lack of sunlight and constant cold, I also struggle with the memories past January's bring. I have learned that there are certain hurts that never completely go away. I cope pretty well, but there are some days where the bitterness and pain I try so desperately to leave in the past come creeping back. I don't believe those feelings are wrong, but allowing them to consume you is. They can ultimately destroy you if you let them. Every year it's a struggle to not feel angry and bitter about how everything played out. In the same breath though, I do get through those feelings every year, and it's such a relief when I do.
With the passing of President Monson and his last few talks focusing on kindness and service, I have felt more and more how far I have to go. Each of us has pains and trials that are difficult to bear. I don't think I could deal with some of things others have to deal with, nor do I believe others would want my trials. Knowing that our life is tailored to our specific needs helps me to remember that God is very much aware of my pains, and what I need from him personally. He never asks us to take on other's problems, all that is required is being there for others. When I am having a hard time and I have people who support me, I need to do the same for them. It's so hard to get away from my self pity and actually serve others. There are times where you have nothing to give, and I think God recognizes that, but there are other times where serving someone else actually helps you.
In church today we talked about how it's great to look for opportunities to serve around the world, and those are fantastic and we should definitely do that, but service has to start in our own communities. During the time period between my separation from Arles and Ayla's death there were so many people who supported me and acted on promptings. In my opinion they acted through God in my behalf; to this day I don't think they truly know how much that meant to me. This time of year the feelings are especially tender. With the passing of President Monson and hearing that even when he was ill he still visited the lonely and the broken hearted it just showed me how much I have to improve on.
There are always people who need help and sometimes (as pointed out in our lesson today) we don't need to do much. Something as simple as sending a text to let your friend know you are thinking about them, a quick visit, or a hug in the hall can make a huge difference. Why don't I do this more? I know how much it helps me, and yet I don't do it myself. I guess in my head it has to be something well thought out before I attempt to help. I also know that people can be like me and not want to talk about their problems. I can put on a perfect mask when need be. But I learned the hard way that by doing that you begin to shut off all your emotions from yourself too. It is okay to accept help, and often the other person needs the blessings of serving you. Let us be honest, life is so much more bearable when it's shared.
What I am beginning to learn I suppose is that the little things all add up to the larger things. And if I can help just one person feel loved maybe it will remind me the love God has for me.
I admit that the beginning of January I was feeling pretty low, but this past week I have been reminded that although I made so many mistakes in my life and I feel like I was not the mother I should have been to Ayla, she knew I loved her with every fibre of my being. In turn, the love I felt for Ayla is nothing compared to what Heavenly Father feels for me. I hope that one day I will be able to be his instrument in expressing his love to others, so that they too can feel the peace that comes with knowing that we are never alone in our trials.
Today I remember my beautiful Ayla. This year however, I am allowing myself to share my burden. The wonderful part is, it doesn't feel as heavy as it once was.
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