Cogs

“You need to move out” the thought comes as I stare out the moving car window, hints of pink streak the sky as the setting sun hides behind a cloud. “It’s time to move on” the thought continues. 

It’s been eight months since Ayla died. I went back to work, started attending the young single adult ward again, I have even tried to make friends. I feel fake, and selfishly, I don’t think people understand the faith journey I’ve already had to take at my age. 

My stomach churns at the thought of trying to relate to girls my age. I sit alone at church most weeks, people are nice but I just don’t fit, I hear the talk of being used goods after you’ve been married, I’ve felt alone in those lessons about eternal families…I’m not sure if I have it in me to be pushed out of my comfort zone again. 

Before I realize it, I’m picking up my phone and opening Facebook. If there’s an ad for an open room with two girls, I’ll take it as a sign that’s where I should go. I don’t expect anything though. Already I’ve moved on incredibly fast. 

The first hit on the YSA page is from a girl who is a friend of my friend Chanelle. It was post an hour ago. I instantly feel my stomach settle and my shoulders relax, warmth fills my body, and I know these two girls will be my best friends. 

I quickly send a message to her not expecting a reply until tomorrow. Ding. Within seconds a response pops up “it’s available still if you’re interested in coming to check it out Sunday?” 

And with that I smile to myself “hey, I think I’m going to move out.” I learn forward to say to my parents. I watch as confusion floods my mom’s face. Then she nods and tells me it’s up to me if I feel like it’s right. 

By now they trust me. All these years and God still sends me signs that he still cares. There’s a plan in motion that I won’t understand for another four years. 

These two girls are indeed, two of my closest friends now, and because I moved in with one of them, I became part of her family and met her aunt and uncle, who in turn introduced me to my now husband. 

There are days I forget the cogs that brought me here, it wasn’t chance, and it certainly wasn’t all me. It’s micro moments like the thought that brought me to move out that changed the course of my life. I never see the whole picture…but God does. 

Maybe I’m just feeling nostalgic, or maybe I just wanted to remember a time where I had unwavering faith. When I look back, I see all the tiny moments that God was there. If he was there for me, maybe he’s there for you. 

Where Was He?

Two months after Ayla’s death, in the soft glow of Ayla’s green butterfly lamp I kneel down to pray. I feel the weight of my shortcomings crash down on my soul, I used to see angels, as clear as I see the sleeper beside my pillow. Now it’s quiet. I try, I really try to be grateful; for a safe bed, for a job that lets me come back, for a family who is my rock, for friends who check in, for every breath I take. 

But tonight I don’t feel grateful. I checked the boxes. I did everything right. I kept my end. I don’t smell the hint of formula on my shoulder, I don’t feel the tiny baby hairs against my chin, I don’t hear tiny grunts and snores. It’s silent. 

“Why did I have to watch my daughter suffer and die and not be able to help? I felt so helpless, couldn’t you just take me instead!?” I call out between sobs out loud to the heavens, willing Him to hear me. “Where are you?” Desperate now I whisper. 

All at once the warmth envelops me. Tears stream freely down my cheeks but I don’t feel I’m alone anymore. 

 “I watched my Son suffer and die for you. I understand” it’s not meant as a rebuke, or a way to diminish my feelings. It’s stared softly, gently, and peacefully, into my mind. 

I’m flooded by the moments He was there.

 The bishops wife, my friend, not knowing I needed it, dropping by. 

My break at work changed so it was just my coworker and I. Her asking if I’m okay, and me sharing that I wasn’t. 

The stake president telling me it’s okay to leave, not knowing that I had tried and couldn’t let go without permission. 

The birth that felt like death’s door knocking, only to push her out perfectly healthy, 

My fussy baby refusing to sleep in her own room, knowing that we only had four months together and allowing me to spend it with her. 

The heavens being opened because of the darkness around me. 

My friend sharing her spiritual experiences with me, allowing me to connect like I had never before. 

My grandma coming to get Ayla, only after I accepted it. 

He was there through every moment. He didn’t just watch, He touched people to touch me. He knew the ending, but gave me choices on how to get there. He knew that years later I would look back and need to remember it all so that I could write. 

That nearly fourteen years later I would still recall it with clarity. He was waiting for the perfect moment to give me the closure I needed to move on. 

He has always been there, and always will be. 

I Was Always Enough

There was a time that I felt that I was worthless, that I failed every aspect of the perfectly laid out checklist I made as a youth. I checked all the boxes sure, but somehow that wasn't enough. My body fought me every moment of every day. Others around me had it all; a husband who cared, children who adored them, a house and money, and joy filled their home.

In contrast my life had an absent husband who made me feel weak, played on my ability to care and knew the loyalty I had to him. Money was tight, my home was dark and devoid of joy, and the baby growing inside me had a failure as a mother. I couldn't even bring her into a home that felt safe. Not one part of my life was what it was suppose to be. I did it all right, I was undyingly fierce in my commitment to Him and here I was, hot tears running down my cheeks again. A mess.

Why did God not love me? Did I do something wrong? I was made to feel that if I had been a better wife I would not be here. In 2012 divorce was not common in the YSA and especially not after only nine months, Everyone told me not to get married and I didn't listen. So shame on me. It was all my fault. I was not enough for my husband, I was failing my baby, and I was not enough for God. I was broken and no one could convince me otherwise. 

Then I lost my baby. I really was a failure in every aspect. It would be better if I just crawled in a hole to wither away. I wish I could feel anger, that would make sense, but instead I felt empty and worthless. Phrases like "it's all God's plan", "God knew you were strong enough to handle it", and my favourite "at least you know Ayla's going to the celestial Kingdom" were spoken on a regular basis to me. It held no comfort, my body always on the edge of a breakdown but forcing myself to hide it became my only purpose. 

Through my actions every member of my family was grieving. I did this to them. Sitting in the hospital with Ayla all I could think was "If it's hard for me it must be devastating for my family, if I could, I would never have asked one more thing of them." 

The tears flow easily as I remember this and finally in agony one night in my bed I cried out. Why did you make me watch my daughter suffer and die. Why after everything, did you take her too. This isn't fair. I can't do this anymore and I have no one who understands. 

Into my mind came the words I watched my son suffer and die for you. I understand. These simple words filled me with a warmth that I hadn't felt in months. Jesus knew my pain and God allowed Him to die to make this possible. My body shifted immediately.   

I found a man to love me as who I became after all this. I created a life with him and slowly let go of the complex that I wasn’t enough because I always was. I don’t believe that everything that happens is a predetermined plan, sometimes things just happen and thinking I have no say over it does a disservice to myself and to God. 

The years of healing has brought me to a comfortable place where I know that I was, and am enough and deserve every happiness I have. If that's true for me, I know it's true for everyone. I don't know why people get such awful things happen to them, but I do know that what you do with it, is always your choice. 

Ayla’s Stocking; There is Goodness

This year has been interesting. I started off my year as I usually do, busy but content. But I had no idea how my world and the one around me would change. I’ve talked about my conversation with Arles and the healing I got from it. Hearing from him brought up all sorts of things as you can imagine, but a major one was how much I loved Ayla. 

I went back through the photos I have of her and the mental block I had during my pregnancy was lifted. I’m embarrassed to admit, but I had blocked most of my pregnancy with her, looking back at it felt like someone else viewing my life, I forgot how excited I was with her. How excited Arles and I both were. The whole thing was clouded by the pain I endured during that time and I was able to finally relish in those memories. For the first time in years I remembered the good bits, the tender moments I had with her inside me; crying out of gratitude that she choose the broken version of me. 

I was able to work through the trauma of her passing and also remember the good bits in the hospital. I remember the water bed my parents had, the loving nurses who checked in, the lamb we ate hours before she died and how we laughed at how smelly it made everyone, the final moments we had with her earth side and the peace we all felt as she passed on from this life, I remember it all now.

It’s easy to forget the goodness when all you see is darkness. And our world has become dark and jaded. But like a blindfold being taken off it’s more important than ever to see the light around you. Ayla might be dead but other children are still fighting; their parents barely hanging on. There are so many people suffering that if I can bring one person some light I’ve done my job. 

This year please choose to see goodness in the world and in those around us. Take some time to serve even if it feels pointless because I assure you as a recipient of kindness, that it means more than you will ever know. 

As a reminder here are some things you can donate. 

       - Infant rattles, rings, teether type toys
       - Gift cards that can be given to families (Toys R Us,              Walmart, Tim Horton's...)
       - Pajamas of varying sizes
       - Craft kits (with supplies all enclosed) or small boxes of pencil crayons, crayons, markers, etc.
       - Musical toys (anything that plays sounds or music, push button toys...)
       - Slippers (children and adults)
       - One-size fits all stretchy gloves
       - Toques and winter hats
       - Books (mostly infant and teen books)
       - Board games (for any age)
       - Sensory games (for any age)
       - Teen items (nail polish, journals, hair accessories, etc.)
These are just some ideas, if you have ones of your own then by all means go for it.

This year I plan to deliver on December 17th. I know it's early, but please take time to reflect on all you are blessed with this year and find ways to look outward. I love you all!

Merry Christmas. 

Closure

To say the last couple weeks have been healing is an understatement. Those that have been here since the beginning know the many things I have gone through in my life. I’ve had to process so much trauma at a young age and it’s been years of therapy and introspection in the making. 

For years I’ve held onto the possibly that maybe I deserved what I got, that I was being punished in some way; I thought there had to be a reasonable explanation for how I was treated. There had to be something to fix and no therapist has been able to give me complete closure. 

I made peace that I would never feel completely okay and frankly I stopped praying for reprieve a long time ago. It’s one of those “put on a shelf and deal with it in the afterlife” type of situations. I knew that I would forever be jumping when someone slams their fist down, or when they raise their voice, and I’d always have the fear that Chris would treat me like I was before. I felt I was a flawed human who at any point will implode the relationship. 

Almost fourteen years ago I got married and one year later my life would be in shambles, even now I cannot properly articulate what happened. There was so much pain, so much hurt, and so many lies. I have tried to keep details off the blog but you get the idea. I was a shell of a person. Then I left. 

I knew that going forward I would have a long road of recovery ahead. I had good days and bad days, with the bad days getting less and less often over the years. I also knew that most people never get restitution and I accepted that.

However, I am a person who feels the need to fix everything. I need to understand the whys of human behaviour and perhaps that’s why I couldn’t let what happened to me go. I always had the gnawing need to better myself and know if I did everything I could.

That brings us to a year ago. I wrote a post willing my body to go back to who I was, I had remembered something that I had completely blocked from my mind before I even met my ex-husband. My body was finally ready to start to process the trauma. I went to therapy, I talked to Chris, and I dealt with it.

All during this I had dreams about Arles. Not very often and he was never angry or scary. Always just there. Recently the dreams became more frequent and this last month it was much more than before, there was an urgency to them and I knew that it was our spirits trying to connect. I would like to believe that Ayla had a hand in it. I have been slowly fixing parts of myself to this point where I was ready to tackle the most terrifying part, knowing.

I talked to people who started me on the path of reconciliation. I prayed probably the most fervently than I have in years and I reached out to get the closure that I have craved for thirteen and a half years. It was the most painfully difficult thing I’ve done in years. I was allowing the carefully boarded up part of my past to reopen, and to top it off, it was to someone that had hurt me in unimaginable ways.

I have fought to be who I am now and to not be angry or bitter but this, this was almost too much. I didn’t know how to say what I needed to while protecting myself from the possibility that this conversation could re-traumatize me again.

That he could say things that would make me remember how small I felt back then, the gaslighting that made me believe that I was crazy. That if I had been a better person, it wouldn’t have turned out the way it did. Do you know how terrifying it is to open yourself up to all those feelings again? I almost let it end there. I was told he wanted to apologize but I didn’t know if I wanted to hear it all. But I did. I wanted to hear what he had to say. So I reached out.

I explained some of how his actions have impacted me. I told him my insecurities of what I felt I did wrong. But I also told him the words I didn’t know if I could type only a few days prior, “I forgive you” and “…for me it wasn’t a mistake” I poured out my heart and let the spirit flood my soul as I finally let go of it all.

The response I got still has me sobbing. “You did nothing wrong… ".... I wasn't the person I should've been." That simply isn't true of you.” The rest was full of more healing than I could’ve ever imagine.

After all these years, after all the pain and anguish I have dealt with, I finally read that he was sorry. Truly sorry. It was nothing I expected to get closure on and the last four days I’ve felt like a weight has been taken off and has been replaced with the love of God. I questioned if He even cared that this was something I wanted and I came to accept that he simply didn’t. But, that wasn’t true; He was waiting for a time where both of us were ready to take this step.

I have been bursting to share with every person who helped me through the dark times and even those going through dark days of their own. The Atonement is actually real! I knew Jesus suffered for our sins but until Saturday night I had no idea how it would extend to my healing too.

I was never forgotten and the words that Arles wrote was everything that I needed to read. I did everything I could and he sees that now, I was a good mother then (and I’m extending it to now too), and I did make a difference.

The dreams I had led me to this. I never imagined that after all these years I would have clarity and honestly? It’s going to take some time to get used to. So much of my life has been taken up by trying to gain this closure. Now I finally can let go.

To those who were there for me back then, and those who have been since, I want to thank you. Thank you for helping lift me up, thank you for always reminding me that I was worthy of love, and thank you for never leaving my side. It’s been a long time in the making but I’m here. And it feels incredible.

We are never forgotten. God loves us and one day everything will be made right. I got my happy ending but I know many who don’t. I just know that God and angels work behind the scenes to heal us.

He cares. I know this now.

Ayla's Stocking: Illness Can Strike, But there is Hope

This last year has held so many changes in our home. Melissa is in University and moved away for the summer, gaining new independence when she came home, Kaylee is getting closer to graduating high school, and little Felix has started preschool leaving me with more time to reflect. Recently Felix has been asking more about death and often in his prayers either asks for a baby to play with, or asking why the doctors didn't save Ayla and even more heartbreaking; if they couldn't keep her alive, how can they keep him (who has a genetic condition that requires constant monitoring by a team of doctors) from also dying? My mama heart breaks every time my small child vocalizes the harsh realities that illness strikes anytime. 

The only thing I can think to say in these moments is that there were so many people who were there for me during that time. There were tender mercies that looking back I saw, and that even though my child didn't survive there are people that still work tirelessly to ensure not all children suffer that fate. As the holidays approach I am so grateful that Felix has already learned that collecting toys for Ayla's Stocking helps serve those who are sad. We got our first load already and he took out each toy and told me "this will make a little boy (girl) so happy" and that's exactly why I do this; for one singular moment I can make someone smile.

I know I can't help every child. I also can't prevent heartache as the families buckle under the weight of circumstances, what I can do is continue to take toys and gift cards year after year so that I can make sure someone feels loved and maybe even hopeful for the future. 

As a reminder here are some things you can donate. 

       - Infant rattles, rings, teether type toys
       - Gift cards that can be given to families (Toys R Us, Walmart, Tim Horton's...)
       - Pajamas of varying sizes
       - Craft kits (with supplies all enclosed) or small boxes of pencil crayons, crayons, markers, etc.
       - Musical toys (anything that plays sounds or music, push button toys...)
       - Slippers (children and adults)
       - One-size fits all stretchy gloves
       - Toques and winter hats
       - Books (mostly infant and teen books)
       - Board games (for any age)
       - Sensory games (for any age)
       - Teen items (nail polish, journals, hair accessories, etc.)
These are just some ideas, if you have ones of your own then by all means go for it.

This year I plan to deliver on December 17th. I know it's early, but please take time to reflect on all you are blessed with this year snd find ways to look outward. I love you all!

Merry Christmas. 

Take Me Back

I’ve been working through a lot lately and things that my body pushed down resurfaced in an ugly way. All I can think is take me back, I so wish I could turn back the clock to a time before now when I knew nothing of the ugly the world has to offer. 

Take me back to a time where I laughed until I cried, where my worries seemed so hard. Where I went to church and was able to take notes and had no idea why people would leave. I did what I was told, and was happy to do so. I had hurts and pains, but nothing major. I thought that by living life the way I was taught I’d always be happy. I was so free, so filled with joy. 

Take me back to moving out on your own, experiencing freedom and having to cook (or not..). Take me to pulling mattresses out to the tv room with roommates and watching movies, ordering a pizza to yourself and not gaining a pound. Help me remember to laugh as I thought  “I’m not getting married anytime soon! I’ll chop my hair!” And getting engaged two months later. 

Take me to a time where I liked a boy. He was charming and liked me too. Take me back before I realized not everyone has pure intent and some people prey on sweet innocent girls. Help me forget the night I said nothing and blocked it from my brain, 

Take me to the pure joy as I flirted with an equally charming boy. Take me to the laughter and the love we grew together. I so wanted to stay in that state forever. Sharing my feelings and introducing him to my family. The veil that opened for us and the without a doubt feeling this was right. Take me to the time where eternity started in the temple and our love blossomed into new life inside me. Back when I thought the world was only good. Please take me back to the instant before my life fell to pieces. 

Take me to a time where I could see angels. Where God made himself known to me and I felt the love from both sides of the veil. Life was hell but I never felt so close to God. Take me to the moment I held my baby girl and had no idea that I’d only keep her for a short time. 

Take me back to how elated I was as I found that someone could love me in my broken state. Take me to when I met my daughters and embraced them knowing that they would be mine too. Help them keep their innocence. Take me to a time where I felt good in my body and didn’t hate the larger reflection staring at me. 

Help me move past the moment my son came out with a blocked intestine. Help me understand why I can’t catch a break. Help me remember that God’s timing was perfect and little Felix got to spend so much time with Chris and the girls. Help me with peace to know that I'm not alone and that for every hard thing, so many good things have come. 

So here I am. Reminiscing about a time so long ago when I was just purely happy. I read old posts on this blog and try to remember what it was like to be free from my personal demons. I miss that girl. I know, I know, I’m better because of all the things from the last decade but as Melissa ventures out into the world I can’t help but be a bit sad that she too will experience more loss and pain. As if she and Kaylee haven’t been through enough. But as I sit here at 2:30am unable to sleep I am finally reminded that my life is so good. I have people who love me, I have three children here, and I have a husband who yes, is a little rough around the edges, but has a good heart. 

I hope to find that girl again one day and come back to a time where I don’t feel so depleted. I hope anyone else who feels like I do, can also find peace.

Thanks for reading as always. I selfishly do this for myself, but if it helps someone else then that’s great. 

Ayla Stocking: Remembering People Need People

Looking back at 2023 I realized I have not wrote since January! Life has been a blur and I can't believe Christmas season is upon us again. This year hits different, my brother recently got married and I am now seeing that all of us are moving into different seasons of life; my oldest is graduating high school, my middle is starting high school, and my youngest living child is almost four. As time passes I see more and more how we need connections through it all.

Although I do love being a mom it comes with its challenges. This year I have never felt more inadequate than I have in recent months, there are so many aspects that I don't feel like I am doing well in and it leaves me feeling alone. I not only have lost a child at such a young age, I gained two girls who are now teens and meanwhile I am trying to deal with toddler moments. It's a lot for anyone and for me I have cried many nights wondering if I have people who get it, people who can sit in the pain with me and actually understand all the aspects of my life. The short answer is that no, there isn't one person who completely gets it, but I do have a group of women who together, help in each individual parts.

In the hospital with Ayla I felt so cared for and encompassed with love. I'll say it again, that hospice room became a sacred space for me. There are three moments that I felt the veil lift. Two being bringing life into this world, and one watching it being taken. Through it all I had people in my corner. I can't help but think that not everyone is as lucky as I am. There are parents who are in the thick of it and likely like I did (and do) wonder if there is anyone out there who understands. It is a lonely feeling watching a child suffer and not one I wish on anyone. I know the pain, and although not ideal, that understanding helps me feel for people in similar situations to me. 

I am at the hospital frequently and I see the eyes of the parents as we walk through the halls, shells of a person desperately trying to hold it together. I also see other people reach out to complete strangers much like when Felix was born and I was sobbing in the common area and a wonderful woman hugged me. She told me that she was there a week ago and it may not seem like it right then, but I would come out stronger. Humanity exists even when it seems like it does not. 

I know there isn't much I can do to help, but delivering toys to the hospice can be for maybe one moment, a reminder that people care and that human connection is vital to our existence. As always here is a refresher of what I do. Every year I collect toys, books, and clothes for the hospice to deliver to families staying through the holidays. My hope is and has always been to bring a smile to faces that may not always feel seen. Being in the hospice can feel very isolating and I am happy to let families know that someone cares about them and their pain.

As a reminder here are some things you can donate. 

       - Infant rattles, rings, teether type toys
       - Gift cards that can be given to families (Toys R Us, Walmart, Tim Horton's...)
       - Pajamas of varying sizes
       - Craft kits (with supplies all enclosed) or small boxes of pencil crayons, crayons, markers, etc.
       - Musical toys (anything that plays sounds or music, push button toys...)
       - Slippers (children and adults)
       - One-size fits all stretchy gloves
       - Toques and winter hats
       - Books (mostly infant and teen books)
       - Board games (for any age)
       - Sensory games (for any age)
       - Teen items (nail polish, journals, hair accessories, etc.)
These are just some ideas, if you have ones of your own then by all means go for it.

I got this out late this year but I plan to deliver on December 13. There are so many ways to show love during this season, please take the opportunity to do so :). 

Merry Christmas <3

He Knows

 *Trigger warning: I discuss Ayla's death and if that is something that might be too difficult, skip this one and read some of my happier posts*

I remember every moment ten years ago from the time my baby projectile vomited on me. That small moment I knew something was wrong, I pushed it off as normal because as a new mom who hasn't been thrown up on? I worked in a daycare where this happens all the time, and yet, why was I feeling uneasy? A trip to the doctor confirmed that Ayla merely had the flu and it was fine. But it wasn't. She wasn't fine. I remember asking if her fussiness could be due to meningitis and the doctor told me that he didn't think so and I'm sure in his mind a new mom knew nothing and as the medical professional I believed him, 

I sat in the chair all night giving her medication as soon and the dosage intervals would allow but still she cried and cried. Looking desperately at me begging me to help her and my heart was breaking more and more with every tear coming out of her eyes. I was her mother and there was nothing that I could do. I prayed and prayed that night and finally the next day I decided that I needed to take her to emergency again. Without a look at her they told me to sit. There I held my baby who had stopped crying but had resorted to constant moan. The mom next to me said that if she was called before me she would allow me to go first. She knew. 

After who knows how long I finally heard her name. As I scooped up my child I saw that her face had changed. She looked sick. One glance at her and the nurse with panic in his voice asked "has she always looked like this?" To which I replied a short "no, this happened while in the waiting room". He knew. 

In the back they called every pediatric doctor they could. They told me they'd run every test they thought of and they all came back inconclusive. It was time to call Arles and go to Calgary Children's Hospital. My body was beginning to give out and I knew that I didn't get a blessing that I wouldn't be able to handle what came next. I called my mom sobbing telling her Ayla was dying. I just knew it. She called my Uncle and in the early hours of the morning he came. I saw it in his eyes the moment he lay eyes on her, He knew. 

Texts began pouring in telling me it would be okay. That we'd all be okay. They didn't understand, the moment I set foot in that ambulance, Ayla would never come home again. Children's ran tests and it came back with the fear I had all along. Bacterial meningitis. I saw the scan and I knew that her body was seizing over and over causing more and more brain damage, By that point both sides of Ayla's family were there and although it was tense we were there for her. The doctors tried to tell me that there was a chance but they knew. 

Day after day of watching her suffer was almost too much. I was numb and I didn't know why God after everything would take her too. Why was I at 22 watching my life fall to pieces and the only person who had kept me sane was being taken too.There were prayers offered and a few people came to see us but every time someone new came into that room, as with everyone thus far; they all knew. 

The hospice was Ayla's final stop. By this point we were all just waiting and yes we had faith but the peace came that this was the way it had to be. I wouldn't ever completely understand, but this was His will. Arles' and my family stuck by us supporting in the only ways they could. How do you support children who are losing their child while also suffering in your way? That I can't tell you but what I do know is that without them, we would have lost it. Three weeks we watched her deteriorate and by the end I was tired. I begged for Ayla to be taken because now she we just a spirit trapped in a shell of a body. I couldn't stand to watch her suffer any longer and I knew part of the reason she was staying was because even in her current form, she loved us, she didn't want to leave knowing that she was leaving behind so many people who's hearts were broken. She knew, she just couldn't accept it.

Finally after a gassy night due to to meal we had, we all were laughing. She knew we'd be okay and it was time to let go. The hospice went quiet for the night and in that solstice her breathing became more jagged, her heart began to slow and things felt different. I called the nurse and she confirmed it was time. I handed Ayla over to Arles so he could say his final goodbyes and it was in his arms she took her last breath. We all felt it and aside from the temple, I have never felt God more than I did as I watched her body give up her spirit. To this day every time to go to the hospice I still feel it. It was in the hours after where I held Ayla's body as it began to turn cold that I felt that God knew. 

He knew that he was sending Ayla to save me. He knew that my prayers of asking Him to protect her would be answered in this way. He knew that for years after the pain and grief would consume me. And He knew that doing this would cause me to question if He even cares. But, despite all this, through all the pain and agony I went through watching my child suffer and die, this was why He sent Jesus Christ to die for me. He knew we all need a Saviour not only to take on our sins, but the unimaginable pain we all go through too. So I guess He always knew what the outcome would be, but He also knew that with Him I would become the person I am today. He knew that I would be sent to a husband and two beautiful girls who have pain all their own. He knew that sending my little boy would heal my soul more than anyone else and the words from my almost three year old two weeks ago "Ayla loves you" would remind me that not only does He knew me, He knows what I need. 

I guess what I"m trying to say is that life is pretty awful sometimes and there are so many moments that I don't know if He truly knows me. But God does. And even though I question it sometimes, this is something I can't deny. 

He Knows

Ten Years of Ayla's Stocking!

Where has the time gone? I feel like the summer just ended and here we are in full fledged winter. I've seen Christmas lights up, parties being advertised and already every weekend in November is accounted for.  This year hits different for me, for the last two Christmas' covid has claimed so much joy and happiness so the thought of having a normal Christmas makes me feel like there is hope again. I am fully aware that things may never be 'normal' again, but I'll take what I get. 

This year marks ten Christmas' of collecting toys for the hospice. Ten years ago I had a newborn and now I continue to celebrate her in anyway I can. What started as something to help me get through the holidays has become my favorite part of Christmas. I am not the Julie that I was all those years ago. I have scars and also a family to share this with. For me, this was always the point, I wanted my kids to know that they had a beautiful sister who unfortunately can't reside earth-side with us, but none the less, she is part of the family. My little Felix frequently talks about baby Ayla in heaven and I"m so excited that he will be able to take part in this wonderful tradition. My two older ones are always excited to help me organize and pack the car. The first year we were married Kaylee and Melissa came with me, but since then, they haven't been able to set foot in the hospice. 

As always here is a refresher of what I do. Every year I collect toys, books, and clothes for the hospice to deliver to families staying there through the holidays. My hope is and has always been to bring a smile to faces that may not always feel seen. Being in the hospice can feel very isolating and I am happy to let families know that someone cares about them and their pain.

As a reminder here are some things you can donate. 

       - Infant rattles, rings, teether type toys

       - Gift cards that can be given to families (Toys R Us, Walmart, Tim Horton's...)

       - Pajamas of varying sizes

       - Craft kits (with supplies all enclosed) or small boxes of pencil crayons, crayons, markers, etc.

       - Musical toys (anything that plays sounds or music, push button toys...)

       - Slippers (children and adults)

       - One-size fits all stretchy gloves

       - Toques and winter hats

       - Books (mostly infant and teen books)

       - Board games (for any age)

       - Sensory games (for any age)

       - Teen items (nail polish, journals, hair accessories, etc.)

These are just some ideas, if you have ones of your own then by all means go for it.

I'll be collecting until December 19th.  I'm always in awe over how wonderful you all are to me. Even if you can't donate, find a way to serve this year, we all need a little extra love <3

Dear 2012 Julie

Dear 2012 Julie, 

I know in this picture you are thinking that life can’t get any worse. You’re scared and you don’t know what life holds, I’m sorry to tell you, but it’ll get a lot worse for a while. You’re going to question everything Julie and there will be times you think your heart can’t handle anymore heartbreak. It’ll feel like you are breathing but not alive, that if you could only stop crying and start feeling nothing, it would be better than feeling everything. 

You are compassionate and see the best in people when no one else can. Yes, feeling numb does feel good but it’s not what life is meant to be. That bump right there will be the reason you keep feeling, keep fighting, and eventually, the reason you leave that home that still haunts your dreams. Ayla is her name, she’s stubborn, sweet, and shockingly aware for a baby. She knows you need her and with every kick you realize more and more that you can’t succumb to the darkness. Keep going to the temple and keep remembering that those promises you are keeping are protecting her from the devils that try to possess you. 

There are so many scary moments ahead and I guarantee that you will feel what Joseph felt in the grove, hell pulling you into the darkness. But on the flip side you will never be closer to God and the moments that you are the most afraid, are the times they will be there the most. Hold tight to those experiences, they will mean everything to you in the future. 

Enough of the hard parts. There is so much joy not long from now, it won’t be with the man you are trying to save, but with another man who is everything you need. No one is perfect but he cares, and he is well worth the wait. When Ayla is born you’ll want to find someone who will help you raise her in the gospel and to protect you both. He will be that. He will never meet Ayla but know that she is just as excited as you to one day be part of an eternal family who all will love each other. There will be other children who will make you feel whole again. Just hold on a little longer. I promise you’ll have everything you ever wanted. 

So remember that even though things are bleak and you have lots of healing ahead, that you will move on. And you will be okay. I know in this picture it doesn’t feel that way, but you will, and you are far stronger than you feel. I love that woman because she is the start of why you are the person you are today. 

Continue to smile dear Julie. 

Love, 

2022 Julie 

Sigh...2022 Already?

 I've been pretty quiet on here and the posts I usually keep up with like Ayla'a birthday letter, an overview of how Ayla's Stocking went, or my usual post about my word for the new year have fallen by the way side. Every time I went to write something I would start but I just could never finish. It's not that I don't enjoy blogging anymore or that I have nothing to say, but finally today I think I figured it out. I'm tired. 

I don't have to tell you how draining the last two years have been because we all have experienced it. I don't have to say how robbed I have felt because we all have made sacrifices. I also don't have to write my opinions out boldly because we all have our own. Mainly I'm just tired of all of it. I hate that the mother I have become is one of constant anxiety and tears. I crave interactions and over the last two years I have experienced first hand how tough it can get when you can't reach out. All of us in some way are struggling but when we are all struggling who has the energy to reach out to help others? 

Look on the instagram highlight reel full of snippets of other's lives. You see a tiny piece of their reality and I know I'm guilty of this too, I show the happy moments "look how great I'm doing!" "see how happy we are at home?!" "I picked up this new skill with all the extra time". But we don't show the mental health issues that have come from the lack of socialization, the moments where our kids cry when yet another important moment can't be shared, or even how my youngest child thinks this is all normal; all the hoops we jump through, the masks, the panicked look of another parent when you get too close, he even knows that we have to stand on the predetermined dots at the store! 

What started as a few weeks has turned into a new reality and with every new restriction I have felt myself fall deeper and deeper into the mindset that I will never have my life back to what it was. I don't want to come across as ungrateful because I know that my son is safe because rules were put in place to keep him healthy but it's so hard to watch him grow up thinking that playing with others is risky. I have watched my teens get more and more frustrated that they can't just be kids and hang out with friends. Melissa is in high school and just yesterday took her first final since grade 7. Kaylee has her own struggles that are not mine to share but it just hurts my mom heart to see all this unfold and know you can do nothing but push on in the hopes that you are shaping them into good hard working kids who will become resilient adults. I just hate watching them grow up in front of a computer screen instead of in the real world. Is this what it's come to, that everything from school to church is done virtually now? That a book club can't meet in a home but at the local coffee shop is okay? I am just mentally exhausted from trying to justify to my kids why one thing is safe and another is not, while at the same time trying to keep them from becoming bitter about all the rules because once you start down that road it's hard to see past it and soon you don't see the joy at all. If someone has figured out how to do all this let me know. 

I know this is a depressing post but I just wanted to be honest as I have always been. I really am doing alright but I am putting this out there so hopefully other parents know they are not alone. I just pray that through all this we can see how important we are to each other. I look forward to the day that I can give a hug without a second thought. 

Let's hope this year unfolds into something wonderful :). 

Another Covid Ayla's Stocking

 This year has been flying by and I can't believe that we are a month and a half away from another Christmas! I feel like this year I've been playing catch up and now I am just starting to think about all that the Christmas season brings, including my yearly donation to the hospice in Ayla's name. I have been reflecting a lot on Ayla and her life the last couple weeks as I spend a great deal of time in the hospital with Felix.

I had an experience last week as we were doing a bunch of testing for Felix. One of the tests was a x-ray of Felix's lungs. I had to watch them put him in this tube-like thing so that he wouldn't move. I was waiting outside and as I was listening to my poor boy screaming I looked up to see the sign for MRI and CT scans and my mind went right to those hours spent in that exact spot. I was in the PICU with Ayla so I didn't enter through the usual way to those rooms and this caught me off guard. It took a few minutes of deep breaths to remind myself that I was with Felix in 2021 not with Ayla in 2012. Though Felix's testing was routine and nothing to be concerned about I felt very taken back with memories and with feelings of sadness that it doesn't matter where you are in life, those memories stick. 

Right now with the pandemic still at the forefront of people's minds I know that I"m tired and I can only imagine how isolating those who have immunocompromised children feel. Felix is at a point with his health that I know that if he were to catch a cold he would be fine. For some that's not the case. If Ayla had been sick during covid I would not have had the support I had back in 2012. It would have been Arles and I for three weeks and honestly, I can't imagine doing it alone; I had visitors and I had my family all there to support me. Last year's Christmas was hard, but I feel like this years will be even more difficult for those staying both in the hospice, and the hospital. 

As with everything else, covid had changed how we do things so this year's Ayla's Stocking will be different as well. My usual list is much smaller but my contact said that now more than ever, they really need these donations. Covid has hit many families hard and with so many in and out of work they can't afford or even have the mental capacity to handle very hard diagnosis'. 

This year they are requesting:

    -Gift cards of any kind (Walmart, Michaels, Toys R Us, Starbucks, Tim Horton's)

    -New toys in the package

They can't take any clothes or books at this time. A good rule of thumb is, as long as it's easily able to be sanitized, it's okay to give. I plan to deliver them mid December, I'm just waiting on Felix's bronchoscopy procedure appointment to know for sure when I will be there next. 

I hope that next year we can get back to "normal" but I thank you for your help through not only my hard times, but other's as well. The best way I have found to help my mental health, is to reach out to others when I can. Please find someone to serve this holiday season. We all need it :).

Mother's Day 2021

It seems that the longer I am an adult, the more I learn about motherhood and womanhood in general. It seems like as a child, and for me, even as a teenager I thought about all the grand parts of having children in my life. I mean, they are pretty cute, and of course they will just love you all the time. The tiny tantrums and sleepless nights will be minuscule compared to the hours of love and affection you get. And of course, you will love it all the time. 

Not to burst any bubbles, but it's not fun all the time. There are so many days that I question if I am even doing a good enough job. I have two teenagers and one baby who's needs are vastly different, trying to give any child exactly what they need has been a steep learning curve. Aside from being a stepmom and being thrown right in, I also got thrown into being a mom to a medical needs child. Most days it's okay, but others I am left feeling defeated.

I always thought moms had it together. They knew exactly what to say and they knew how to be patient and kind even when things were crazy. Then I became a mom. Boy was I wrong. I wonder if the way I handle things will lead to my child talking about me in therapy one day and if I am fostering an environment where they feel loved. I do know that I'm doing my best and that likely I won't screw them up too much. But I have had some really low moments over the last year. We all have. 

When I started thinking about this post a month ago I thought about all the lessons I had learned that I didn't want to but than I remembered how much I wanted this. When Ayla died I would cry and cry thinking that I had been wronged. How the only thing I ever wanted to be was a mom. Here I am eight years later doing exactly that. 

I first had to navigate how to feel like a mother with other peoples children and I learned that being a mother is so much more than biology. It is loving and caring for those around you like you would your own family. My job was so good for that, I learned that in those I cared for eyes, I was a role model and a safe place. And I didn't always like it, but I always loved it. 

Now I have the same mentality; I don't always like it, but I will always love it. I sometimes don't handle it the best, I sometimes question my sanity, and I am not perfect. But I think that showing that isn't all bad, my kids know that no matter what, I choose to be there every day. Especially with my two oldest they didn't come to me in the traditional way, I choose to be their mom and although they may not like me sometimes, and I definitely struggle with attitude being thrown my way, I still love them. 

So this Mother's Day I want to remind you that

•  You don't need to be perfect
• You don't have to feel like you need to like it all the time
• It's okay to have off days
• Biology is a small part in motherhood
• You can do this

I hope that next year we woman can hug and support each other more. Have a wonderful Mother's Day whether you're a mom through your own children, or in your heart. 

2021: Please be Better

 Looking back I realized last year I never made a word of the year. I always meant to but between nearing the end of my pregnancy, than everything that came after I just got swept up in life and survival mode. Honestly 2020 was not the best year for me. I learned many lessons for sure but not one thing I planned went my way. Even going into this year I just feel tired. I believe we can all relate, 2020 just about did us all in and the way it ended here didn't leave much hope that this year will be better. Mental health wise we all took a hit and speaking for myself I really struggled. As if Covid wasn't enough adding the fact that during this year only one parent was allowed to go for Felix's appointments at the CF clinic was extremely difficult and overwhelming, not that Chris would come to many otherwise, but those first few months there wasn't one appointment that I didn't leave feeling defeated. I think the only time I felt more anxious and alone was 2012 but at least then I was able to feel arms around me engulfing me in a hug. This year lacked the human need of touch, we were all robbed of that. I hope that we can regain that ability soon.  

Okay, enough of the doom and gloom because there's enough of that out there. 2020 also held some really great moments. I was able to bring my son into the world, and it never ceases to amaze me what the body can do. Even now I look at him and wonder how I was able to grow this tiny person with his own personality; he truly has been my light this year. Even on my worst days I had him relying on me for his every need and the smile on his face when I go to get him always brought me a smile. He is such a sweet baby and we were lucky to have him. Chris was also able to be here for all the special moments he otherwise would have missed out on. Not to mention Felix adores him. I always knew that Felix would be his shadow but it's neat to see that come through. He loves his daddy. 

Because of 2020 lockdowns Melissa and Kaylee were able to spend so much time with not only Chris and I, but Felix as well. I was young when my siblings were born and I know that in the long run the girls will take the lessons they learned in our home during this time to heart. I was able to have some real conversations and talk through some hard things. I'm not a perfect mother and they saw that first hand, it's scary but I think it's so important that they see that I'm human too and I have some scars that I still have to work through. They struggled too. All of us were used to at least a little time apart with sleepovers and friend dates but we were forced to spend A LOT of time together. I hope that when they become adults they look back and are grateful that we spent so much time together. 

Felix didn't know what he was missing because for him masks and distancing was normal. I hate to say this is a precursor for what CF may one day bring him but it's opened my eyes to how vigilant we have to be about hygiene. Washing hands, staying home when ill, and sanitizing high traffic areas like doorknobs and light switches is second nature now. My only regret with Felix is that he hasn't learned to socialize with other babies. I think for all covid babies it'll be a shock when they suddenly are thrown into situations where they have to share and play. It's pretty sad actually that these kids are learning to be afraid of others rather than just being able to play and interact. Children learn so much from play, I hope that Felix will be able to learn this skill soon. 

Now, for 2021 my word is health. My mental health, my physical health, and my spiritual health. 

I neglected my mental health so much last year that it messed with my ability to function normally. Not only that, but I felt I couldn't reach out because we weren't allowed to be within 6 feet of each other. Even my counsellor was told in March that unless there was a suicidal client that they were not suppose to take anyone on. That didn't sit well with her so she gave me her number in case I needed her. It took until May for me to have a meeting with her and then by November it was back to what it was. So this year I am going to try to listen to what my body is telling me and seek out help even if I feel silly for doing so. To this day I doubt anyone other than my family truly knew how bad I was getting. 

To go along with that is my physical health. With a baby it's really hard to take time for yourself at the best of times. But I felt the need to be super mom and my physical health suffered because of it. I take full responsibility for how I pushed myself but sometimes all you need is a nap and some veggies. And my girls and Chris are fully capable of making their own lunches. I allowed my perfectionist ways to trump what my body is telling me. Already I told them that there will be times that I will take some time for myself and not have all the dishes done, laundry in the wash, and Felix's toys picked up. I've already taken some steps to improve how I feel about myself, and already feel better for it!

Last is spiritual health. Much of how I feel rides on my ability to connect to God and not that it's for everyone, but for me I love worshiping with others. Pretty much from the time I gave birth until now I have had a disconnect from God. This is hard to explain but honestly I was angry that after everything thrown both Chris and my way he would add what I felt was a death sentence to my son (I have since learned that there is so much hope for him but at the time all I knew was my cousin died from CF). I was looking forward to feeding off others spirits while I regained my faith, then things shut down and I wasn't able to do that anymore. It's been a struggle and many nights of going through the motions. I feel Him more than I did in March but I'm still working to get back to where I was before this all happened. I know He loves me and is fully aware of my struggles but I hope that as I focus more on rebuilding that trust that I come out stronger than I was before. 

Well, that was a novel and kudos to you if you made it this far. So really I just hope that by this time next year we will all be able to say that we made it out in one piece. If you are feeling alone like I was please reach out and know that you are not alone. 

Let's make 2021 better! 

Covid Ayla's Stocking

This year has been so strange, looking back it's hard to believe that from March until now we have lived in a state of fear from a pandemic that swept the nation so fast. It’s been extremely stressful and in thinking about what Ayla’s Stocking would look like this year, I wondered if it would even be possible, so when someone I know from church reached out I knew it was a sign that despite everything going on, I need to still run it. I contacted the person who I know from my days at the hospice and asked her if it was something I could still do, because for me it would be heartbreaking to not be able to help this year. She said with some boundaries in place it was still possible. 

Having Felix in my life makes me appreciate how lucky I truly am, he’s been well taken care of and even though I have monthly appointments, he’s thriving. Not all parents are so lucky. Even if the world has shut down, there are still families that are suffering and maybe even more so than ever before. The hospital implemented a rule shortly after covid broke out that only one parent is allowed in the hospital at a time, and no siblings what so ever. Can you imagine how isolating that would be? Not only is your child ill, but you have to sit there alone with them. I know that when I was in the hospital alone with Felix that it was hard, especially when I received his official diagnosis I was alone in the room at the time. It was one of the more difficult times of my life. 

It seems like so much time has passed but at the same time, no time at all. Being at the hospital monthly has given me even more empathy for those who have medically fragile children. I see the families that go in there and I see the look of exhaustion in the parent's eyes. Sometimes I even see someone in the parking lot eating in their car because the other parent is inside with their child. I have so much respect for those who are there all day every day. 

With Ayla and now with Felix I know that I can't take anything for granted. Life is so precious and every moment matters. Having the strength to move forward takes incredible faith and I hope that especially this year, riddled with fear and loneliness, that the people in the hospice, as well as the hospital know that they will never be alone. There is always someone who cares and who wishes they could just wrap their arms around them allowing them to let go of all the built up stress. 

My hope is that this year we can give even more. Not that people don't need to know they are loved before, but this year has been so hard on so many. I just hope that these gifts will allow them to feel a giant hug around them when this virus prevents even the most natural of instincts. 

This year because I go to the children's hospital every month anyway I decided to combine the two, so I will be collecting things until December 1st. As always there a few ways you can contribute; if you are in the Calgary region you can contact me personally. My parents house is also a drop off location if you live closer to them. You can also contact me via email (julie.branton6@gmail.com), phone, text, Facebook, or Instagram for more information.

Here is a refresher on some of the things you can give;

       - Infant rattles, rings, teether type toys

       - Gift cards that can be given to families (Toys R Us, Walmart, Tim Horton's...)

       - Pajamas of varying sizes

       - Craft kits (with supplies all enclosed) or small boxes of pencil crayons, crayons, markers, etc.

       - Musical toys (anything that plays sounds or music, push button toys...)

       - Slippers (children and adults)

       - One-size fits all stretchy gloves

       - Toques and winter hats

       - Books (mostly infant and teen books)

       - Board games (for any age)

       - Sensory games (for any age)

       - Teen items (nail polish, journals, hair accessories, etc.)

These are just some ideas, if you have ones of your own then by all means go for it.

This year it is my hope that we can give what we can and make sure the end of this very odd year can be a good one for these families. 

Hope and Healing

 Here’s the thing, I am a pretty open book, almost to the point where I can over share and it comes across as a bit robotic. It’s not that I am trying to be, but sometimes as you share the same story over and over you start to state facts in a way that it no longer brings you pain. But, once in a while the feelings come through and you are reminded that the story you are telling was real. And that those memories did in fact happen and they were painful.I found a photo from eight years ago. The girl I was in that photo is not the one I am today. I was scrolling through Facebook as I often do as I am rocking my sweet babe to sleep (I like to cuddle him when he falls asleep) and this photo came up in my many click heres, click this person, click this album, BAM. Then the flood of memories came. How that 20 year old had no clue the hell she was about to endure. She was love struck and knew without a shadow of a doubt that this was what she was suppose to do. It was right and I still don't question that. 

.

No one thinks that as they are dancing on the floor hours after being married that "hey, this is great, but in one year you will be recovering from mastitis surgery at your parents. You'll have a child but your husband and you will not be together anymore. And oh yeah, by the end of the next year, your baby will be dying and you'll be soaking every last moment you have with her". No, you'll be thinking how wonderful that temple sealing was. How you are finally bound for eternity with a man who loves you and you love him. You have so much hope for the future. Those are the thoughts that go through your head. 

I don't want this to be a post that you leave thinking that I am bitter and angry. Again, my story happened and it was so hard. However, now I can share some of the things I learned. I get so saddened when I hear women say that they are afraid of the judgement that will come at church--particularly YSA. How they are used goods and that because they are divorced that obviously they are not living up to the covenants they made. That is NOT TRUE. Divorce is not something to be taken lightly but honestly, sometimes it's the only option. You should not be ashamed that this is what your life is. 

I have always believed that this life is meant to bring joy. There is pain for sure, but I cannot get behind a God that willingly tells his children to stay in a bad situation because they were sealed in the temple. It is my belief that as long as you are both willing to fight, that you should. But there comes a point where it's okay to let go. For me, I was becoming a shell of who I once was. I didn't talk to my friends, and I was fighting hard because at 21 I felt that I made a commitment and I was going to stick to it. I put everything I had into it and I think that readied me for my marriage now. 

I was young and didn't understand how hard even the best marriages are. It takes work. Every day. I am the first to admit that I had issues too. But, through my experiences I learned who I wanted to be. I am still soft spoken, but you can bet that I am not a floor mat. After my first marriage I took a hard look at who I was attracting through my actions and I realized that upon re-entering the dating scene I was still attracting people who were drawn to me because of my wiliness to see them for the potential they had, not who they currently were. That's a gift I would like to think is unique but I also knew that often those men needed to fix themselves first and I was not willing to put myself through that again. I can put up with a lot, but pornography was not one of those things. 

My current husband Chris has been through a great deal himself, but I have always appreciated how straight I can be with him on the things that really matter. From the beginning our relationship has been about talking it through and he is very good at seeing when I start to retreat within myself. I look at the joy I have now and am grateful that I went through what I did. It changed me, but it helped me become so much stronger than I could've ever imagined. This weekend was my churched semi-annual general conference where our leaders give us messages of healing and hope. As I looked at the family I have now tears began to stream down my face and I reflected on how broken I felt eight years ago. I didn't think I would ever find someone willing to except me for who I am. There was so much baggage that I felt no one would put up with how my husband lovingly put it "the crazy". He was joking but we had a good talk on how we knew each other so well that nothing changed once we got married. He knew I can sometimes be a tad emotional...just a touch. And he can be a bit grumpy sometimes. 

It is my hope that anyone in the midst of a divorce can see me and know that although people will look down on you, there will be many others who will not. God loves you and all he wants is for you to be happy. Whether that's marriage or single it doesn't matter. Pray and move forward in what ever direction you feel is right for you and forget anyone else. There is only one person who has the whole picture, he knows your heart and the reasoning behind your choices. Take comfort in knowing that one day you will look back and see that life has a funny way of becoming so much better than you can imagine. 

Eight Years

My dearest Ayla girl,

You would have been eight today little miss and I look back at how far I have come in my journey since your birth. I have three more children, a husband, and a wonderful life. I keep thinking how blessed I am to have carried (and lost) you. I would obviously have wanted to right here with me, but you taught me some really hard lessons that has helped me parent now. I have so much to learn and work through, but I find that I am more present with my other three because I never know what tomorrow could bring. 

You would have been baptized this year. That is a huge step and one I know would have been wonderful to witness. Covid has pretty much wrecked everything this year, but I think one huge blessing through all this, is that we are able to join with family through technology in those sacred moments. Just this last weekend your second cousin Asher was baptized, and although I missed it, it's neat that he was able to share that moment with family near and far. I was able to share Felix's blessing day with people this weekend who would not otherwise been able to come. I am so lucky to have a child close to you in age so that I can see where you would have been. I still think of you as a baby but you would not be that way anymore. You would definitely have opinions and I know that you and I would likely not see eye to eye on some things. I'm not blinded into thinking that you would perfect, but the more time that goes by, the more I wish you were here for those small family moments. 

This year has been really strange. It started with bringing your baby brother into the world in February and has been non-stop surprises since. I was told while you were still here that you would teach my future children about me, and I hold onto that fact. You knew that Felix would be born with his health issues and I beg you to stay by his side through it. So far he has been doing great but I think the unknown still scares me. Losing you was hard. Thinking about what lie ahead for him is almost too much. I guess I just thought that because of everything both Chris and I endured in the past, that we would have this one part of our lives that would be free from pain. Felix is near perfect and I can't believe how lucky we are to have him here. But, my mom heart hurts. I just want him to stay healthy and the one drug that could significantly change his life is still unavailable to us here. I pray that in the years to come that it will be accessible here. I am doing everything I can to raise awareness for it.  

I still have really hard days where I question if I am doing this right. I know it probably bugs Chris but jumping in and raising two teenage girls has been difficult sometimes. They are both in junior high and are starting out on those crucial years of lots of choices. I try my best to find that balance of parent, and someone they feel comfortable talking to. Girls in particular have lots of drama during those years. I know you would have added to the chaos but I would like to think, that you would be there for them as well as me. I have a hard time with the attitude sometimes and there is plenty of that in our home. 

How can I post this letter without bringing up Covid. I have lots of feelings and opinions that I could get into. But I won't. Just know that it has thrown a wrench into my ideas of how the last few months should've gone. Never would I have thought that one week after finally bringing home Felix, that I would be homeschooling the girls. I didn't get one week to just relax and finally allow myself to recover from birth. I went from the hospital, to running the house (laundry, cooking, cleaning), to homeschooling and having everyone home in three weeks. I love your brother and stepsisters, but I just wanted to have time to relax. I still haven't got that chance. There is always a long list of to-dos and I rarely get time to just read a book.  You would have been in grade two so I am sure that it would have been even more work to have a grade 1, 6, and 8 to have studies to help with. Luckily the girls really stepped up and most of the time did their school work without me having to watch them constantly. 

Overall though, life is so good. I love being a mom, and being able to watch Felix grow from babyhood has been such a blessing. I am finally able to prove to myself that I can be a good baby mom. It's not easy, but at least I have your step-dad here to help me out. 

Who knows what this upcoming year will bring, but know that I still wish you were here to ride it out with me. 

Happy birthday sweetheart.

Love,

Mom

It’s Not Always What You Plan

I wasn’t quite ready to share in my birth post but since I've processed it a bit, I feel like it’s appropriate to share a little more of my time in the Children’s Hospital. Where I left off was Chris heading to the Children’s with Felix; me, hours after giving birth, once again struggling to understand why the plan I carefully laid out was completely crushed. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that I should never have a plan, because when I do I’m left feeling disappointed that it never seems to go my way. Chris left with Felix and I was alone in a delivery room without my baby. They told us that once at the Children’s they would decide if he needed surgery right away. Lucky for us he didn’t that night, but it was rough on both Chris and I.

The next morning my parents came to get me and drive me to the Children’s where Chris and Felix were. Once there, I was brought back and finally got to see my little boy. Once I was settled the surgeon came in and explained what they thought was going on, they asked if there was a history of cystic fibrosis on either of our sides. My heart sank. My cousin Jared died a couple years ago and he had it, I had grown up watching him in and out of the hospital until finally he succumbed to the illness. My other cousin (his brother) also has a son with it so I’m no stranger to the long term care required to maintain a healthy body. I refused to believe that somehow I carried the gene and not only that, found someone who also did. No one on Chris’ side had it so it was a shock to him that it was even a possibility. 

Felix had surgery and over the next three weeks recovered remarkably well! In actuality he likely could’ve gone home a week before he did, but they were extra cautious in case his digestive system didn’t tolerate milk. Over the three weeks Chris and I went back and forth while the girls were passed from person to person. I really felt like I was failing all around. I felt guilty for not being with them, but guilty when I wasn’t with Felix. It was an awful position to be in and one I never wish on anyone. 

Two weeks after his birth we finally got the results; he indeed had CF. For those who don’t know, CF effects both the respiratory and digestive tracts and is a genetic inherited disease. His pancreas doesn’t create the enzymes needed to digestive food and his body creates a thick, sticky mucus often resulting in difficulty breathing and digesting. That sticky mucus was the reason he had a blockage in his intestine, the meconium couldn't pass so it blocked everything up. Poor boy. So far his lungs are fine but over time they may be affected. It is a gene that requires both parents to be carriers and there is a 1in 4 chance with every pregnancy that the baby will have it, 1 in 2 chance they will be carriers, and 1 in 4 that they will be neither a carrier or have it. Of course with our luck, our first baby had it. Currently there is no cure. 

We were told that he had to have digestive enzymes with every meal and have regular appointments at the Children’s Hospital to monitor his health. We just started his physio to get him used to having it done daily, so that when he does need the mucus to be broken up, it’s not a shock for him to have me pat him for an hour a day. It was a lot to take in and many tears were shed. But, I felt peace after the result. Felix is doing so well and you wouldn’t even know that he was so sick at birth. He showed the nurses and doctors how strong and resilient he is. Moving forward we have hope that one day there will be a cure. The states has a drug that comes pretty close and hopefully one day Canada can have that drug available too. We are also lucky that I have a good support in the family so Felix will have a buddy to talk him through the physio and breathing treatments he will have. I also have people I can turn to who understand the parenting challenges that come with it. Deep down I always knew I was a carrier. But as Melissa says “Felix wouldn’t be Felix without it”.

So far nothing has gone according to the plan. But I’m done guessing the future. What ever happens is out if my control, I can just do the things to make Felix’s life easier. I wish every parent had a Felix in their life. He’s such a sweet baby and more than I deserve and I know that he'll be just fine. I just hope that as he grows, he knows he is more than a kid with CF, he is so much more. He has a way of making everyone fall in love with him and before he was born I knew that this child was special. I had been waiting to meet the sweet, calm, and kind son that I saw in my dreams and here he is. I am constantly in awe of how wonderful he is. 

We know this journey will be long but we ask that you see him simply as Felix. I can't wait to see what the future holds for him.  

If you would like to know more about cystic fibrosis you can visit https://www.cysticfibrosis.ca/. 

True Meaning of Mother's Day

All my life I have wanted nothing more than to be a mother. I used to stare at all the babies and kids during our church services yearning for the day the mom holding those babies would be me. As I got older the excitement only increased, and when it came time for me to choose a profession I choose to be a childcare worker because that was one way I could truly do what I loved--caring for the children. I truly loved spending time with the children who were entrusted to me while their parents went to work. I developed a relationship with them and each one of them helped me grow into who I am today. They challenged me but at the end of the day I always saw how grateful their parents were to me and I couldn't wait to be the mom picking up her child. I loved seeing how both the child and the parent's faces lit up when they were reunited.

Eight years ago, I was pregnant with my first and the dreams I had of "the perfect family" were crumbling around me; pregnancy was hard on my body and the added stress of a marriage that was less than ideal was draining me. Through it all I couldn't wait until Mother's Day when I felt that maybe for just one day, I would be spoiled. It wasn't what I expected and honestly it was one of the worst days I had up until that point. All I could think was how next year would be different, next year I would hold my sweet baby girl on Mother's Day and all would be worth it. If you've been around long enough, you know that Ayla was not around the following Mother's Day and it became a day I dreaded. I know I am not alone in this feeling and on a day where you celebrate motherhood being childless is like a kick to the stomach, it comes in waves and you wish away the pain.

Three years ago I met two girls who also felt pain on Mother's Day and although it was for different reasons, we bonded. You see, on that day I gained a better understanding on what Mother's Day was about. It isn't just for biological mothers, it's a day to gather around the women who are there for us in what ever form that might take. I wasn't Melissa's mom, but I had a feeling to go over to Chris' early. He was still in bed and I was able to cry with her as she mourned the loss of her mom all over again. She also picked me up as she gave me a card acknowledging me as a mother too. It was also on that day that Chris promised that I would never have to spend Mother's Day childless again (he proposed a month later).

Last year was my first Mother's Day as a step mom and although it was still hard to not have my child celebrating with us, I had two other girls to pamper me. I never expect much because I know that I could never replace Pamella and I want them to remember her. But they surprised me, they made me feel like a mother for the first time ever. I know they aren't mine from birth, but they have become mine never the less. I love them as much as I love my own biological children. Little did I know last year that a little baby named Felix was just weeks away from making himself known through the ever familiar feeling of nausea.

This brings me to this year. For the first time in my life I am holding a baby. Chris asked me the other day if I like being a baby mom and as tears flooded my eyes I told him that I love it. Felix has come with his own set of health challenges that sometimes make my mom heart hurt. Then he smiles at me and I know that he choose to come to me, God knew I needed Felix in my home to help bring us all together. Watching the girls become big sisters has been a joy and I have seen Kaylee grow leaps and bounds since January. I love that they love him and have gained the opportunity to be here full time as we isolate during the craziness that 2020 has brought. So although I don't get to show off my family of five at church, I know that it will be a special one for me. I feel like everyone needs a Felix

I hope that all women feel loved tomorrow and know that having a child doesn't make you a mother, it's sharing the love you have to give to who ever needs it.