Lessons Learned

I have so many thoughts in my head tonight. So many emotions. A big change is about to take place and as happy as I should be, I am sad to be letting go of future dreams. It's like I am finally able to take a breath for the first time in two years. In way it's a good thing. Emotions can finally come out. I can let the flood gates open. No more masks. I am who I am and don't feel like I need walls anymore. It's refreshing.

A book in my life series is about to end. I learned a lot and will never be the same. As my cousin Charlotte said once that sorrow is holy. We all need sad books every once in a while. Lucky for me I have had a whole lot of joy too :) Ayla was the best thing that ever happened to me. I can't wait to thank her in person for being my rock and for choosing me to be her mom.

As always thank you for reading. I find this blog lets me reflect and look back on what I've learned. I'm just lucky that people also get to watch as I live and learn.

Disneyland 2013

I know this post is a little late but as promised here it is. Disneyland was fantastic! It made me feel like a child all over again :) I'm pretty sure that its more fun for the adults then it is for the children. This time around all of us could go on the same rides so there were no meltdowns. Well at least none to do with the rides. I had one just because Ayla wasn't there to enjoy it with us. But I bought her an outfit anyway :)

I had so many favourite parts! I love roller coasters so naturally I loved the thrill of all the rides. The only one I couldn't bring myself to attempt was the Hollywood Tower of Terror, I'm not a fan of dropping from any heights straight down...maybe next time.

A ride that I was surprised that I even liked was the Cars Speed Racers. It took us all some convincing but it was so fun :). I also loved the Toy Story Arcade ride. I lost miserably but it was so fun regardless.

The World of Color show was great! I find it so cool how they can project scenes from movies into the water. You'd think I was a child again reliving scenes from my favourite movies. I wish I could upload videos without it taking hours so I could show you. But oh well.

All in all we had a lot of fun and even if Ayla wasn't there I definitely bought a cute Minnie outfit for her so I would feel like she was included. I had to :P

Childhood

Disney songs make my heart happy. Perhaps that's why I downloaded some classic ones this evening. They put a smile on my face :) It brings me back to childhood and to be honest, we all need to feel like a child every once in a while.

Range of Emotions

The past couple days have given me a range of emotions. It seems that ever since returning from Disneyland (more on that coming soon!) I have been missing Ayla more. I look through her pictures at least once a day and slowly, very slowly forgetting what it was like to hold my precious baby. This is quite honestly the hardest part of the whole process. Seeing her die was difficult but even after she passed I held her warm body for a few hours more before I had to face reality.

Now I'm facing real life without her. I can't walk into her room at night and touch her soft little cheeks, I can't hold her close when life gets difficult. She was so pure and holding her felt like I had heaven in my arms. I don't mean to rant on things I can't do but with death of a child, comes death of a lifetime of dreams for her.

Yesterday I received an email from Alberta Health telling me that my daughter was about to reach the six month milestone, it explained all the exciting things I get to see her do. It was hard knowing that my sweet baby is not going to ever reach these milestones.

I put away some of her clothes today. Things that she wore only days before she went into the hospital. Things that I took for granted. Things she will never wear. The sleeper that she wore hours before she died. With each article of clothing I put away it felt like I was finally admitting that she is not coming home, admitting that particular part of my life is over.

I understand that she will always be with me, I do. And I'm grateful that her and I are forever an eternal family. I just want her. It's so difficult forgetting what she felt like and what my supposed reality was. I am facing life without her. That is the hardest part, knowing that my life will never be the same and that my sweet child is not here for me to parent and watch grow. I so desperately yearn for her warm pudgy body. To feel like I am doing my duty as a woman. I know I did do it but in a way I feel robbed of the opportunity to teach her all that I know.

There is nothing like a bond between mother and child. I was the one who carried her for nine months and who felt her body and spirit grow within me. There is no greater joy then knowing that The Lord and you are working in harmony to bring one of his elect to this earth. I am excited for the day when I feel that connection again.

Again I say that I know that her work was a short one and I know I did my part. In a way it's better this way. Ayla will never feel the pain of sin. Or the pain of watching people fall away. She is perfect in every sense of the word. I mentioned that I knew that her spirit was far stronger then mine is, so in a way I knew. I just never thought it would be this way. I just hold on to the gospel, hold onto it for dear life. If I let go of what I know then there would be no hope for me being happy again.

But the great thing is that I do continue to hold onto the gospel and I know that my child is rooting for me in heaven :) she'll be with me every step of the way and although I can't see the future I am positive that great blessings are around the corner. Lets just hope I can relax for a while :P

Thank you for reading this blogpost. I know this one in particular might be a hard one but every now and again I have low moments too. I just try to not get caught up in them for to long. Next post I promise will be happier!

I just want to leave you with this picture. Chris said this is how he imagines Ayla and I will be in the here after. So glad to be reunited again, just like after I had surgery. Those quiet moments that night were so precious to me because the way she looked at me and stroked my gown I knew that she truly missed me. That alone makes me smile <3

Valentines Day 2013

Today has been the best Valentines Day :) I have so many friends and family who love and care for me. I'd like to say thank you to everyone who has and continues to be there for me! I am so blessed in my life <3 data-blogger-escaped-br="">
On a side note earlier this week I said it had been a month since Ayla passed. Today marks the official date. I really miss her and sad I didn't get to spend an official valentines day with her :(, I can only hope she knew how much I love her.

Life a Month Later

Four weeks ago today I held my baby for the last time. I cannot even begin to describe the feelings I have right now. Most days I'm ok but others I lay in bed and just cry. What's the most difficult for me is that I am forgetting what it felt like to hold my own child. After you have your own, it's never the same. I'm grateful for the technology we have where I can look at pictures and videos to remind myself of her.

Today I had a child say with a big smile on her face. "You had a baby!" I know she means well but certain things sting. Driving by the hospital is hard. Driving past the doctors office is difficult. I know it will get better but the pain associated with places will always be there. I dread the day I have to enter the ER again. At this point I don't know how I'll be able to handle having a child again. I will be so happy to hold him or her in my arms. To feel like I'm a mother again. But I don't want to lose another child. That's my greatest fear.

I do know that Ayla is with me always and I'm grateful that I am sealed to her. It makes everyday a little more bearable.

<3

Pampered

I love being pampered. I went and got my nails done yesterday with an old co-worker of mine :) she did a beautiful job. Now I'm set to leave for California in two weeks!