Someday

I've said this so many times but children are my friends. It doesn't matter how much I see them or what age, all of them have touched me in one way or another. Today I sat and watched as a little friend had a funeral. He joined my baby girl in heaven last week. No explanation or reason why. He just peacefully left this world. 

I am grateful that I had time to process that Ayla was leaving. I am also grateful that although I never wanted to understand this kind of pain, I do so I can hopefully help someone else. I get it. I understand a mourning mothers pain and I hope that in some way I can help those in similar circumstances. 

My heart breaks for my little friend's family. Over and over. I don't get why he left, and probably never will, but I hope they find the support that's needed to pick themselves up and live. 

Someday all of us moms of angel children will hold them again and then we will truly understand the unconditional  love that those children have for us. 

Someday 

Dear Ayla; On Your Angel Day

Dear Ayla, 

Well it's been a while, a year to be exact since I last snuggled you. I can't believe it Ayla. This year has flown by and I don't know how. I've been told the first year is the hardest, you're dealing with a year of firsts without your loved one, and for the most part I'm okay. There are days where I am sad, which is normal I'd say :P but the tears don't flow as often. It was hard re-living those painful memories again. You can't really put any expectations on how it'll actually turn out emotion wise, but I have been going with the flow and letting the tears flow as they need too. There's no point to keeping my emotions bottled up. It doesn't help.

New Year's Eve was a tough one for me. I went to the YSA dance and was having a good time. When it was midnight I teared up but nothing major...until I got home. I cried and cried and cried. I'm pretty sure I haven't cried that much in months. I remembered where I was last New Year's Eve and broke. All the emotions came flooding back and I just couldn't stop. I was lucky that I have such great friends. Even though it was two in the morning Patricia stayed up with me, and two friends came to give me a blessing. All of them stayed with me until I was calm enough to sleep, which turned out to be four...I'm lucky that people care!

 I am so grateful for the people I have in my life. I'm sure you were right there too, telling me that even if I can't see you, it doesn't mean you're not there. This experience also made me realize that sometimes I put on too much of a mask. I don't like to cry, and most importantly I don't let other people see me cry. But I'm human just like the rest of the world. And sometimes my mask drops and people get to see me, the real me. It's a unique opportunity.

Even at work I've had a bit of a rough time. Last Tuesday I sat in my classroom just after nap and realized how much I wish you were here with all my friends (yes the one year olds are my friends...they are pretty fabulous), then a little girl from a different classroom came in. She gave me the strangest look then plopped on my lap until nap was over, later on she gave me the same look. Again she sat on my lap, when I asked her if she wanted to play she shook her head, I then asked if she just wanted to cuddle for a bit and she nodded. She probably sat with me for about an hour that day. 

It's exactly what I needed that day! I love how children can sense the emotions going on in my head when no one else can. That silly little girl almost made me cry. But I think she just cares, and I care about her :)

YSA has been treating me well. I feel like I'm finally getting back into the swing of things and I'm glad. I still feel a little out of place but I believe that I will never truly belong. I have some experiences that set me apart from everyone else there. And that's okay. I think that people need to hear them, even if it's uncomfortable. I am still finding that medium between sharing my story and sitting back while others share theirs, but if I feel the need to say something, I do.

 I wish that people would be a little less awkward about you though. I am slowly trying to get people to understand that bringing up you and my past marriage will not shatter me. A year ago I was pretty shaken up, I had so many walls up and very few people could reach me. I've learned a few things about myself and my relationship with The Lord since then. And am stronger for it. All of my past is an important part of who I am. And always will be. When it comes to you I love sharing. I'm sure I sometimes talk a little too much about you, but as I said, you're part of my past, present, and future. No matter what things come my way you'll always be important to me. 

I have finally reached the point where I am happy with where I'm at. A couple months ago I was so desperate for life to move forward in the way I wanted and when it wasn't going according to my timeline that I was getting frustrated. But I am finally being happy with me. My life is so good. Yes I wish things would have turned out different, and this is not the life I planned but it's what I got. And I've accepted it. It's a daily struggle as I'm sure you know, but I try.

I had an experience just after Christmas, I met a wonderful girl who has hit some of the same challenges as I dealt with about two years ago (has it really been that long since this all started? Crazy). Meeting and talking with her made me realize how far I've come. I remember asking myself if life would ever get better. If I could ever be happy again. Then I lost you too...but you know what? I'm okay! I hope that the sweet friend I met can look at my other friend and I, and see that it does get better, and the pain that seems unbearable now will eventually dull. It just takes time. 

Sometimes I believe we have experiences to help others. That's what I intend to do. And you'll be there to give spiritual support. As you always have. 

As I look back on the last year I'll be honest, I'm surprised at how I've grown. I have more confidence in myself and in my judgment. I know that I am a great person and deserve the very best in my life. I also know there are good people out there. I see the good in others but I'm more careful about certain things now. As I should be. 

I know that you are never far :) and it's through your death that I gained a greater understanding of the Atonement. There hasn't been a day that goes by that I don't remember the sacrifice that was made on my behalf. If it wasn't for Christ I would never hope to see you again. You were perfect, and I unfortunately have a long way to go before I reach your level. But I can with help :) it's such a wonderful concept. 

I love you miss Ayla. And I miss you terribly. But I'm learning to move forward, one step at a time. You're always near and I know that you'll be here when I need you to be. I'm your mother and your my daughter. I am so grateful that we're sealed for all time and eternity. And that I had the opportunity to have you in my life. You have brought nothing but blessings and understanding to me and I can never repay you for what you helped me to become. Someday I'll thank you in person but for now this will have to do. 

Love always, 

Mom <3

My Shoes and I

So I feel as if my shoes and I would make a great couple. They have been through everything with me; high school with all that comes with that, moving out on my own, marriage, pregnancy, divorce, birth, child loss, and now re entering YSA. Through thick and thin they have been there and they always will be. So I came to the conclusion that no matter what comes my way, I will always have my shoes. 

Does that make me a strange person? Perhaps. But I'm okay with that :)

Looking Forward

With it being New Year's Eve tomorrow I've been reflecting on the past year, it has been a whirlwind of ups and downs. It's been a time of pain and of reflection. I feel like I've been through the refiners fire and have come out on top :) I cannot adequately describe the range of emotions that I have experienced this past year and I would hope that no one does understand. I feel like The Lord has shaped me into someone far greater and stronger then I ever thought existed. I am who I am and love it :)

My cousin Charlotte makes a goal word every year, it's like a New Years goal of sorts. I have not been good at making goals the past few years. In the past three or so years I think my goal has been to survive, this year however I have a different goal in mind. It's my gift to Ayla in a way, a way to show her that I am grateful for what her death let me do. 

The word this year is live.  

This year has been so focused on the past and grieving the future that I never got to experience, that there were days that I didn't appreciate the present. My life is fantastic and I'm tired of looking back and worrying about what is to come. 

When I found out Ayla would not recover I was heartbroken, I'm not often one to ask why but at that moment I did. Even now thinking about that time gets me panicked. I never want to experience that pain again. But after the pain numbed a bit I realized that I was really getting a chance to start fresh. I would have much preferred her to be right here next to me physically but there are certain things we can't change.  

The best I can do is live. Live my life and be happy with my life right now. Not what is was, or what it will be, but what it is. I think that I have grown quite a bit and I feel as if I'm finally ready to let go of control. For those that who know me you have probably noticed that I can be a touch OCD about things...particularly timing. I like things to go my way. But I'm learning patience :). 

I also know that in living my life I'm on the road to personal happiness. As long as I live every day to the fullest, learn to laugh, and let go of insignificant things, I will get more out of it.

I am so ready for this new year. I feel like 2014 will be fantastic.

{I put a YouTube video up but it doesn't show up on mobile devices so here's the link to it as well}

Let It Go-Idina Menzel

Delivering Ayla's Stocking

I tried writing this post many times and it never seems to come out just right. But I feel like with Christmas fast approaching I need to write my feelings while they are still fresh. So here it goes :)

I went up to Calgary this past weekend to deliver most of the gifts that were given for Ayla's stocking (I have a few items that I'll be delivering later on). How can I describe in words the overwhelming response I received. I was so humbled at how everyone banded together to make a difference in the lives of so many. 

In all I think we had close to $1,000 in gifts and almost $1,000 in gift cards. Not to mention the home knit toques and mittens! It was such a wonderful sight for me and having lived the life of those parents for a short time last and this year I understand how much it means to see that people care. 

I had the opportunity to give two gifts in person to children with handicaps. I am pretty good at keeping emotions in check around others, but a boy made me tear up with joy. The nurse told him that I had brought a gift for him, as soon as she showed him the truck his face just lit up and he started giggling. He was so excited to have the truck that I couldn't even take it to take a picture with the nurses and my family. 

For me this is what Christmas means. It's about the joy of uplifting others. If that's all I received for Christmas, that would be enough. :)

Christmas Season

It's exactly two weeks until Christmas. Do I have any shopping done? No. Do I even know what I'm getting my family? No again. This year has just flown by! I can hardly believe that it's almost Christmas again, if feels like just yesterday that I was buying gifts for last Christmas.

There is something special about experiencing Christmas with a child, even though Ayla was just a baby she brought a magic into the season that cannot be explained. As I said last year she knew what Christmas was all about. And I have no doubt that she knew what the next couple weeks would bring for her. 

During this year I've been trying to reflect and remember why we celebrate Christmas. Yes, giving is wonderful but what about the people you can't give gifts for? I can't give Ayla something physical. I can't watch as her eyes light up with excitement. But there is something I can do. I can remember her life and be greatful thst there was a child born in manger. One who makes it possible for me to see my beautiful daughter again. 

Through this season I also reflect on how Mary felt. Let's not even get started on being in labor on a donkey. Ouch. Or giving birth in a stable. Again, ouch and highly unsanitary. But do you think she fully understood as she held her perfect newborn son that he would not only do marvellous things, but that he'd also endure the most pain imaginable? I have no doubt that she knew but I doubt she understood what that actually meant. 

As a mother you want to protect your child from all harm, you can't, but you want to. How would it feel to give birth to Jesus and know that he was the key to everyone's eternal salvation? It would be a lot to take in. Mary must have been an amazing woman. I cannot even imagine the heartache as she watched him go through what he did. 

I am so grateful for the Christmas season where I can reflect on the birth of the Savior. It seems every year there's more and more thoughts that enter my mind. And I'm grateful for the growth and understanding I gain each and every year :). 

I hope that everyone has a fantastic Christmas and that you find comfort in knowing that even if the holidays are tough for you, that there will always be someone who knows your pain.  

Update

Has it really been almost a month my last post? Time seems to be moving at hyper speed and I don't even notice it until I look back. 

I have been doing great. Being on my own has had it's challenges but this time around I think I'm doing better then last time. For instance, we actually cook! Yes I have eaten real food most nights and it's been lovely. As roommates we make it a joint effort :) we share food which is nice. That way we each only pay a fraction of the price. It makes things a whole lot easier. 

My YSA ward has been friendly, I feel like I'm back home. I was in this ward last time I moved into town with roommates and so I know quite a few people. Even the bishopric is the same. There are also those people who know me and remember me from three years ago. I have found more every week who tell me they remember me or know my story. I unfortunately don't remember some of them but reguardless, I feel like I can be open because I don't feel like I have to hide the not so nice parts of my past. Or even the best part of it. 

Again I have my struggles. I don't know if the ache will ever cease and frankly I don't know if I want it too. There are days where I cry because I miss Ayla so so much. But because I miss her I know that she wasn't a dream. It sometimes feels that way, I can't believe how much has been thrown my way in the past couple years and it's been so fast that it felt like a dream. But it wasn't. I have the pictures and beautiful videos to prove it :)

Doing the Ayla's Stocking project has helped immensely. I feel like I'm serving others and maybe this Christmas I'll touch someone else's life like mine was touched almost a year ago(!) That's my hope anyway. I'll post more on Ayla's stocking on a later date. 

So that's about all going on in my life at the moment. I'm sure as the month goes on I will have more to say on the Christmas season, it means more now then ever and I can't wait to adequately express all the feelings I have about it :)