Ayla's Second Birthday Letter

Dearest Ayla,

It has been a long time! I cannot believe today was suppose to be your second birthday...it's strange that so much time has passed. Time is a funny thing, no matter how much or little you do...it moves on. Sometimes quite suddenly. 

Somedays it's hard to remember that you were actually a living, breathing baby once, all I have is pictures and luckily some videos but everything has faded. I wish this wasn't the case but there are days where I forget that it wasn't always like this, that there was a time where you occupied every moment of everyday. But there are moments where I remember. And those moments prove that you are always near and wish for those moments too. I'm sure you miss them just as much as I do. I felt you so strong in the temple Ayla, you and others on the other side brought me to tears! Oh how I miss that connection with you sometimes. 

I say this all the time but I miss you so much. What I've come to grips with is that no matter what I will always miss you and shed tears over you. My life is not going as I had ever planned it, but it's made me into the person I am. And I love who I am. Truly.  

Ayla, there is a conversation I had a few months ago with a dear friend's mother. We talked about you and the trial with your dad and she asked "if you could go back and have chance to not have to endure the pain you did, would you?" My answer was a resounding no, I would live that hell over and over if I got the opportunity to have you even for four months. I would not change a thing Ayla and I hope you know that. I love you so much that I would gladly do everything over. You taught be so much and it was truly a privilege to spend time with you. 

And without you I would not be the strong person I have become. I would not know the things I do, and I would definitely not learned how you can love someone with every fibre of your being. You are the best thing that could've happened to me. The more time that passes the more I understand that even with the veil separating us, we still communicate. There has not been one night that I haven't whispered before I went to bed a "good night Ayla, I love you". I may not always be consciously thinking about you but you are always there.

What used to bring me pain, what triggers I used to have don't bother me as much anymore. There was a time that I wanted everyone in YSA to know my story, just so I could be open. But now I know that not everyone is ready to hear about you, and if a comment is made such as "none of us know what it's like to be a mother" or "we don't understand what being a parent is about yet" it's okay because I know that not everyone knows my story and how can they be sensitive to those statements if they don't know. 

Nothing much has changed since last time I wrote. I still live in town and I am still in YSA. I am just trying to do everything I can to keep busy and it works. I find I am much happier when I feel productive and I find that people are more open to talking about you then I thought. I misjudge sometimes. And I shouldn't. 

Eric left on his mission in July...it's crazy how he hasn't been here for a month and it seemed to fly by. It's strange that he will be gone for two years but I can't wait to see the person he will become. You'll help him right? I know you will be there for him as much as he needs you to be :) thank you in advance miss Ayla. 

I attended efy as a councelor this year, it's something I always wanted to do and am so happy I did! I met some fantastic youth and got the opportunity to share this wonderful gospel on a daily basis. If I'm still around next summer I will definitely do it again. Through efy I gained new friendships and met unique people. It was amazing. I even shared a little about you ;). 

I also have some other news...I changed jobs. My daycare threatened to shut down and as I contemplated my options the school I graduated from called and asked if I wanted a last minute interview for an aid position. I didn't even apply but somehow I got the interview...then the job. I miss my little ones like crazy but I feel like this has been a much needed change for me. 

It's only my second day and I'm still feeling odd. But I hope by June I will feel more like Ms. O'Brien and less like Teacher Julie. Both are great titles, but I feel too young to be considered a teacher. I'm not actually, but I feel like it :P.  When I went to pick up my schedule I got asked by a teacher if I was in Grade 12...I guess I just look young. I responded with "no, I'm actually working here as an aid". Poor guy. But there will come a time that I appreciate looking younger then I am. 

I also finished my level two course...it only took me what? Three and a half years? I can't believe how silly I was back then but the point is I have it now. It's part of the reason I got my new job. 

Chris is in his last year of high school...it's insane! How can both brothers be so old? By next summer I will have both brothers on a mission. It's hard to fathom actually. Grandma and grandpa are doing great as well :) they both miss you, but like everyone else they are moving forward as well. I know you are right here with all of us individually. And you always will be. 

My perspective has certainly changed and I like I made some progress this year. I'm mostly feel like as I take one step forward, I take two steps back but somehow I've ended up better then I would have thought. I have felt you on a number of occasions and I know you are front and center in my life. As your birthday approached I didn't feel sad. I know how happy you are and I know that this is the way things had to be. Funny how that works. 

I'm sorry we didn't get grass on your grave again...it seemed that summer just flew by and it's sad to say, but it felt like I lost track of time. It's already September! Before you know it it'll be Christmas again. Hopefully this Christmas doesn't hurt as much as last.

Speaking of Christmas, I'm hoping to do Ayla's Stocking Project again :) there will be more to come in a bit but I know you'll be excited that we will be giving again. It turned out so well last year :) let's just hope this year is even better! I'm sure that the hospital will appreciate it again. And the children of course. 

Well Ayla that's all I have for now...I think later on we are having cupcakes in your honnor, I'm sad that you are not here again but it'll be okay. I love you sweetheart and hope that you are doing well up in heaven. 

All my love, 

Mom

Especially For Youth 2014

There is so much to say about my week and I have been struggling to find the words. I learned far more from the kids then I could've ever learned on my own. I was truly humbled at the trials the kids face as well as their strength at facing them. Going in I was terrified, I deal with small children...not small adults and trying to figure out a way to open my soul so completely was difficult. I found that I have some walls up and allowing people in is hard for me, harder then I thought it would be. But I found that the kids and my co-councelor Tyler helped me to feel comfortable enough to open up.

As soon as I got the list of girls, and later met with Tyler to review the boys, I had so much love for them. I felt God's love for them and knew that he was intrusting me with his beautiful daughters and sons. I was truly humbled. Throughout the week I grew close to them and knew they have far greater potential then they can imagine and they are a mighty force. It wasn't until Thursday that I heard more deep stories and heard their personal trials. It is so heartbreaking to know what they face everyday but I know they are strong and they can do this. I keep saying this but they are truly amazing :).

I watched them grow in th gospel and grow closer to each other. There is nothing in the world that made me more proud. It was funny that every time Tyler or I called them friends they would yell back "FAMILY!" and they were right, we are a family and I love each of them like they are my brothers and sisters. They taught me so much and it was a privilege to be able to learn from them. I don't know if they will ever understand how much they did for me and the confidence they gave me to know that I can be a good teacher and maybe I can be a good mother to teenagers someday. I still have learning to do but I'm getting there.

This week I learned how to teach, and share my testimony while having fun. I went as a participant for five years. But being a councelor is a whole different experience, as a participant you get engulfed in the spirit and there really isn't much to have to do but show up and let the spirit teach you. But as a councelor I was the one preparing the lessons and I found that no matter how much I prepared I never really said everything I had planned to. I think it's much like a mission, you learn to rely on the spirit and only then will you say the things that you were suppose to, it was amazing to be able to experience that. Through the week I learned how to draw close to God and realized that he really does tell you what to say and when to say it to best teach a concept. It's amazing.

I had a lot of fun too. EFY is great for that, combining the spirit with fun. I don't know if I have laughed that much in a long time :P. There was everything from games to killing each other everywhere and anywhere, to a cupcake war...that was fun but ended in a few stains...oops. I had fun watching the young men and woman bond throughout the week. I really couldn't help but love them all. It's amazing to me that EFY can bring together such different personalities and people then by the end of the week everyone is so close. Our song for the week was Lean on Me and I found that perfectly fitting, we all at one time or another need someone to lean on and it was great that we learned to trust and lean on each other. I even leaned on their strength. It was great to be able to experience the Christ-like love that comes when you draw closer to others.

I love this program so much and I was so honored to be among the people there. I also need to mention my amazing co-councelor. He was laid back and picked up the slack when need be, he was exactly what the kids and I needed and I was so grateful for everything he did. My week would not have been the same without him :).

I had an amazing experience and was so glad to be there. I know that EFY is an inspired program and I loved every minute of it. Now that it's over I need to settle back into real life :P. But at least I have a few new friends to share it with!

 

True Friendship

This past weekend we had a lesson in sunday school talking a bit about true friendship, the kind where you are not only friends but you feel like the other person holds a piece of your heart. I was with my friend Megan over the past week and a bit and she and I talked a little bit about true friendship. I feel like I have learned so much about what it means to be a true friend and through the example of others I have become better.

I have had many friends over the years but I have found that over the past couple years I have become closer with a few. I have never been one to fit in so to speak but I always had good people surrounding me. I find it interesting that most of my very closest friends are the ones I went to high school with, there are a few others that I didn't but for the most part it is. I talk about Megan quite a bit lately but it's only because I look up to her in every way possible. Often as you go through difficult things you see who your friends are and I seem to have quite a few.

But Megan...Megan was one of the first people I turned to when things in my life started to go sour. Two years ago it was at her wedding that I saw what a real relationship looked like. She didn't have to but after she got back from her honeymoon she invited me over, this was the first of many times when she would be a listening ear as I expressed some of the deepest hurts of my life. She only said things when I asked her advice and she was always the one that if I was on my knees praying for a friend was the one who would call. True friendship doesn't always mean knowing all the answers or fixing problems, it's being able to be there for someone and support them as they need it. Then you become the same for them.

I look at how Megan interacts with her boys and the more I see the more I want to be like that when I become a mother again, I always have. When I first found out I was pregnant I asked Megan for advice and I'm sure I will next time around. I don't think I will ever be able to pay her back for being the friend I have needed over the past two years.

She's not the only one and the more I look back the more I realize I was never alone. True friendship doesn't mean you talk to them all the time or are always together, to me it means that no matter how long it has been since you've talked, you can call them and be able to share and talk as if no time has passed. It develops over time and often becomes something deeper and more meaningful then you thought possible.

I find that it is because of the deep ties you have to each other sometimes friends can tell you things that not many others can, they have earned the right to be completely honest and although you may not always want to hear it, you respect it. Family can often become true friends and the more I get older then more I realize how much of a friend they have been all along.

I feel like sometimes you feel an immediate connection to someone and you don't understand why. My roommate Patricia and I seem to have that connection, I feel like it was only through moving in with her that I have been able to more fully heal. She gets me out of the house (most of the time) and we can have deep conversations with each other. I feel like she's one of those people that I may have known before I came to earth.

I also love my little friends, it doesn't matter how I feel going to work, they always make my day. I can't imagine doing anything else for a career. They have become some of my closest friends and I am privileged to be able to watch them grow and develop.

I am so glad to have so many friends and hope each of them know how much it means to me that I have them in my life :)

Mother-like Love

One year ago I spent Mother's Day curled in a ball crying, not wanting to face the realitity that my first Mother's Day since Ayla's birth was without the one who made me a mother. I didn't understand, I felt very alone. I wrote a post about how I was still a mother reguardless of the empty crib and I fully believed it. I still do.

This year I didn't wake up in tears, I went to church, and I was fine. This year I feel like I've learned so much more then I thought possible about what it truly means to be a mother. My own mother has shown me that once you are a mother you can never go back. She is there for me on my best days and my worst and there is never a moment that I doubt she loves me. She will always be my mother and I love that I can call her mine.

I know that I didn't get the Mother's Day every mom wishes but I did get cards and recognition from many people including my mother. She has taught me more over the past year then I think she realizes and she had given me hope that someday I will be that mother :)

So for now I am a mother in my own way. I serve others children and I love them each like I would my own child. They know it and I hope their parents know it. I am empowered with motherhood and it drives me everyday. 

This year I feel so much more useful then I did a year ago and I am so grateful so my beautiful daughter who watches and loves me from above. I have no doubt that if she could she would give me all the kisses and hugs she could. I love her like no other, and for that I am blessed. 

Last night I was laying in my bed and as always I said good night to Ayla, last night however I asked if she could spare one night with me. Immediently I felt this peace come over me and I knew it was her way of saying that she is always there. 

So this Mother's Day I hope that all woman everywhere recognize that we are all mothers, whether we have children here or not. Each woman carries the ability to love with a mother-like love, and that is a beautiful gift :)

Because of Him

Yesterday I went to the movie called Heaven Is For Real and it being Easter I wanted to write a little on my beliefs on The Atonement, death, and the afterlife. Not everyone shares these beliefs but they are very close to my heart and I believe whole heartedly in them.  

In the movie there's this child who has a near death experience, he goes to heaven but comes back and tells everyone about it. It was amazing and hit close to home as you can imagine. It amazed me how people who claim to preach and believe in heaven and hell had a hard time believing his story. He told so many beautiful and amazing things that are not to far off of what we read about in the scriptures. 

One of the most touching points was the hospital scene. It showed his mother calling others to pray and his father praying and yelling at God asking him not to take his child. I have been there. Shortly after Ayla arrived at the hospital in Calgary I experienced both of those sides. 

I walked into the parent room and had to make a couple of devastating phone calls explaining that my sweet baby girl was dying. I was trying to be hopeful but I knew deep down. I knew when I stepped foot in that ambulance that that would be my last ride with Ayla. I prayed the whole way, I begged for Ayla not to be taken. I don't know if Ayla was completely in her body like the little boy in the movie. I know that she knew what was happening  and she understood more then me what was going to happen. 

I sometimes wish she could've talked and told me of her experience. I'm sure there were so many angels singing to her too. I also know that she knew my pain. She knew. And she still does. 

At one point in the movie Colton (the little boy) talks about seeing not only his great grandfather but his sister, who up until that point he had no idea existed. He says that his sister came and gave him a big hug and she wouldn't let go. Not only does this experience tell me that even miscarried children are ours but those who die before us still care. 

There's one though who cared enough to die so that we can live. He is the reason we celebrate Easter. Jesus walked into the garden alone and bled from every pore, feeling every pain that we each individually feel. There were times where I have yelled at God asking him why he let me watch Ayla die and I couldn't do anything. I sobbed and felt like he couldn't possibly know what it was like to be the helpless parent who would gladly give their own life so that the child would have one. 

As I was praying I got a voice telling me that yes, he understood because he watched Christ bleed and die so that the rest of his children could live. He understands perfectly. And unlike me he could have stopped it, but again, he knew that in order to save me, he had to give up his son.

I can never thank him enough, Jesus felt my pain, your pain, and even little Ayla's pain. And because he rose again he gives that same opportunity to us. We will all live again. And my sweet Ayla and I will finally be able to embrace and cry together. 

So this Easter Sunday I am grateful for the belief and knowledge I have that even if a veil seperates us, all of our dead ancestors and friends still live on. And because Jesus loves us so much he was willing to die so we can all eventually live again.  

Onward

At the beginning of the year I made a goal to move forward and true to that goal I have been. I'm realizing that instead of sitting back and letting life happen to me, I'm going to make it happen. The past few years I've sat back and let circumstances rule my life, and granted I didn't have much choice, but this year I have no obligations so why not do things I've always wanted to do? It's often when you are keeping yourself busy that The Lord blesses you. 

With that in mind I decided to go back and take the last course for my level two and I got accepted! As of May 7th I am registered at the college and at the end of the summer I will be finished. I'm excited to finally be done and accomplish one of my goals. 

I also applied to be an EFY counsellor, I don't know yet if I can get the time off and I am doubting it at this point but at least I applied :). I loved being a participant for five years and have always thought it would be fun to be a counsellor. Plus this will probably be Chris' last year. So I have to go #obviously. 

Another thing I'm excited for is going with Megan and the boys on a trip :). I'm so happy that even though I don't have my own child to take on trips, Megan lets me borrow her kiddos. It'll be a good time. And I'm excited to spend some time with her. Megan has helped me in ways she'll never know and I'll never be able to fully thank her for it. I love her. And how she's supported me through the past couple years. 

I love that I'm finally moving forward, looking back and seeing the progress I've made has been remarkable. I'm exactly where I should be and I'm happy at how much healing has taken place. I am such a different person then I was. It's great. 

 Life is wonderful, and I'm happy with where it's taking me :)

I Am Needed

My roommate Rebecca sent me a link to this cute blog post about a mother who talks about how now that she's a mom, she is always needed. She has a responsibility to her children and loves it. She entitled it "Somebody Needs Me". 

Often I get stuck in the rut that no one needs me, that instead of me giving kisses on an owie, or a constant yanking on my pant leg I have...well nothing. No one needs me in the way I dreamed of wanting to be needed. I got a taste of it then just as quick as I got that opportunity it was gone and I was left with an empty space in my heart. It amazes me how much I still ache for a child I knew for only four months (thirteen if you count the nine while I was pregnant). 

People move on and forget, take my doctor, I saw him for the first time in a year and he asked how motherhood was treating me. I had to kindly remind him that she died over a year ago. He felt terrible but that's beside the point. I just realized that people move forward in their lives. And I will forever have a missing piece. It's daunting how I have to live the rest of my life with her missing from it. I guess you just take it day by day. And don't get me wrong I'm not a wreck most of the time, very rarely actually but I have days and I'm greatful for the pain, because it proves how much love I still have for her. And that she really existed. 

Now back to the point I made at the beginning; that no one needs me. It's not entirely true because I have kids that depend on me everyday. The more I think about it the more I realize that the work I do is important, and I am a huge part of these children's day. Monday through Friday. I have days where I just want some space but lately I just am grateful that I have some kids that know that although teacher Julie may come off as grumpy all she needs is to know that they care for me just as much as I care for them, that because I don't have a child anymore these kids have become a way for me to feel like I'm a mom when that's not possible in the way I hoped two years ago. 

So I guess the point is no, I'm not needed all the time. I am needed from when I start my shift to when it ends. And for now, that's okay :)