You Deserve It

In honour of Mental Health Day I decided to switch things up a bit on here. The past couple years I haven't been great at blogging; I am well aware of how the internet can be and there are some things I would prefer to keep to myself. And personal mental health issues that I was embarrassed to share.

I have talked about some of the things I have been through and if you read my blog you know most of the triggers already. Depression and anxiety was already in the family far before these things happened to me but after I got past the survival mode I started to see how deep these triggers go. There's only so much you can do to build trust in relationships without being in a relationship and to be honest, I pushed people away because of it. It wasn't until Chris that I started to unpack the baggage that I didn't know was hiding at the bottom of the suitcase. 

After getting married there were so many flashbacks and fear that things will blow up. We dated for long enough that I knew that what ever comes our way we would be there to support each other. I can't say enough how wonderful it is to know that we are in this together and to really feel that. In my last relationship there were some things that I was told that were untrue about myself, and there were others that I perceived as being wrong, when you have that mix of true and untrue the lines get blurred and you can't distinguish what is actually the truth. Unfortunately this followed me into this relationship and the fears I had in that marriage began to creep into this one. This time it has all been in my head. I want to be clear that no matter how crazy I feel, Chris has always reminded me that it is actually all in my head and I'm doing great. 

I love my new family, and I want to be the very best I can be for them. And the constant worry I have was something I was ashamed of. With anxiety, in moments of clarity you know it's irrational and you know that no one except you sees what you deem to be "not being good enough". I have always held myself to a very high standard and many of the things I felt I failed in the first marriage, I am fixing in this one. This time I also have two daughters who are closely watching and observing me so that added pressure of perfection is something I am trying to balance. 

As mothers we tend to put everyone else first. I don't think that's new or anything mind blowing because that's just the way it is. Melissa has always been observant and as she is approaching teenage years what she sees and hears me do is what will shape her into the woman she will become. She actually has been my reality check in many ways; there have been a few times where I made lunch for the girls but waited until they had eaten to take some for myself. Just last week I didn't think I had made enough dinner and Chris wasn't home from his work trip yet, so when Melissa asked why I was waiting I told her because I didn't think I made enough so I was going to wait until Chris got some first, before I decided if I should make more. Her response was "You deserve it just as much as daddy because you are the one who made it; he'll understand". I almost started crying right at the table, I deserve it. Why is it I had to have a twelve year old who I am suppose to be teaching core values to, tell me something that I want her to always remember? I want her to grow up and know that she deserves to put herself first sometimes too, and I am modelling the exact opposite of what I want her to be. Parenting is hard but I am finding I am learning just as much from them as they are from me. 

I have been pretty open with the girls (and Chris) about my fears and feelings and it has always been met with love. I still struggle and I think that this is something that I might always struggle with in life. But because there has been so many advances made in this area I no longer have to combat this alone. I have always had a great support system and that is continuing. By talking about my fears I feel the weight off my shoulders and I have begun to recognize that it's okay to feel overwhelmed sometimes, and it's okay to take a few moments in your room to regroup, and that by being vulnerable you are shedding light on this growing concern in our society. 

I have my days and my moments. But that's okay. Let's teach our children that anxiety and depression is not something that you should be hiding, the more open you are, the more people around you can help. 

Happy Sixth Birthday

Dearest Sweet Ayla,
I miss you little one. Not that I don't always miss you but there were many changes this year and it is hard not having you here for them. Since you were weeks old and I had all that downtime in the hospital after my mastitis surgery I started planning our lives together, one where it was you and me, and eventually a step-father. I know it's odd after all I endured in the separation but it honestly helped me to hold onto the belief that better days were ahead. One of the biggest stressors between your dad and I was that there would be someone else, someone who likely would baptize you, confirm you, and be part of the little moments in your life. In divorce unfortunately there are times where one parent misses out on vital moments, and that was hard for both your dad and I had to come to terms with. But back to the point, I started planning how things could be and all of it centered around providing the best life for both of us I could. I knew that dating again would be hard as a single mother, but I was willing to take as long as deemed necessary to find someone who treated us both well. I think you are smiling down from heaven on the life I now have.

Shortly before you left this earth in a blessing you were told that you would soon die, and that you would still be very involved in my life. You would help me in finding someone that deserved to have me. I didn't need to worry about you anymore but I still had to heal and find someone that could take all I had packed away in my suitcase. I did Ayla. I found three.

I don't want this to be a depressing post on "what if"s and "could've been"s. I love my life and as much as I wish you were here with me, I know that in a way you are. A month ago I married again; to the same man who I told you about last year. He's kind, intelligent, funny, and talented. Most of all, he is so understanding. So much more than I could ever have hoped. Admittedly I had a few panic moments where I feared doing this all over again and if I would scare him away. You know how it goes; I worry about things I really shouldn't. But, every time I have one of those moments, Chris is right there to pick up the pieces. He's exactly who I always wanted but never thought I would actually find. I find our relationship is so much more than I have had before; it's more real if that makes sense. I have not only him to love and be with but his two daughters as well.

For the first time in years I am a mother. Do you know how wonderful that feels? I always have been but right now I have somewhere to give that love. I know it's only been a month but I think because of the sixteen months we dated I think it helped us transition almost flawlessly. I thought that it would be a hard adjustment but it really hasn't been. I have talked to both Chris and the girls about it and we all agree that it just feels natural. I hate that I doubt my abilities, and I hate that because of some of my deep seeded scars I need reassurance that I am doing okay. I am grateful that the girls and Chris constant let me know that they still want me. I have my days where I feel like I'm grumpy (Melissa confirmed that I don't come across that way) but in the end I think it's all going well.

On our wedding day Chris walked in (after I threw up...not sure if it was nerves or because I skipped breakfast) and upon seeing him, I felt this overwhelming peace. I knew that all the loved ones that were in heaven were crying for joy because I know for sure you had a part in all this. I don't think I would have got here without that help. I wanted to make sure you were part of the wedding too so I wore the butterfly necklace Chris got me for Christmas. Just so I could feel you close. After Chris came into the temple and we had to paperwork done, Chris and I sat in the celestial room and reflected on how it really didn't feel any different than other times we have gone to the temple. It's amazing to me how natural everything felt from the beginning, I never once doubted myself or Chris. I know there was divine help, without this confirmation I would have been worrying that this relationship would turn out the same as all my other ones. Here's the thing Ayla, it's NOT, this is something that I saw in other couples but didn't know if it was something I could have for myself.

Chris and his band The Sundance Kids played at the wedding, it was one of those things that I think you had a good chuckle out of. As I write this I am listening to Chris learn new songs on the guitar. You loved music, so it only seems fitting that I have two musically inclined people in my home. I remember sitting in the hospital and you were hooked up the ECG. They had you so drugged up that your lines were all flat, Uncle Chris had sent a video of him playing the piano and asked me to play it for you. As it was playing one of the lines on the screen made a slight jump. I know it was the music.

You're step-sister Melissa taught herself to play the piano! She takes lessons from a wonderful lady in the area who I think is also heaven sent, she knew Grandma O'Brien when she was in Young Womens. She has been working on being the pianist in church so I hear it all the time. I can't wait until school and lessons start up again so I can hear it more. Not only does she play piano but she is an avid reader too. I truly think it was meant to be. She took a bit longer to earn her trust but she's one of these people that once she trusts you, it takes a lot to break that trust.

I remember one of our first conversations, she opened up to me about some of her feelings and since then, she's been my little shadow. I love her so much and she picks up on what I need almost as good as her father does. After we got sealed and took all the pictures, she came up and gave me the biggest hug and told me how excited she was that I am in her life. This my dear child, was something I had been wishing for one day, a big loving hug from my own child telling me that she loved me as much as I love her. I got to snuggle you, and I have no doubt that you loved me with a more Christlike love than I can fathom, but feeling those arms around my waist squeezing me and smiling a truly joyful smile was something I had never got to experience. Until I met your step-sisters.

Kaylee has always been free with her emotions. I always said that she feels her emotions very deeply and has no qualms telling those around her what she thinks. She is not shy with her thoughts and that's something I always appreciated about her. From the time I met her she has been asking when I can become her step-mother. It took fourteen months after her first inquiry for it to become a reality. She loves building things with her hands and has been curious about you from the beginning. I have watched her on numerous occasions watch little kids, she is spunky but also fiercely kind. I have seen her be patient with younger kids and they love her. I'm sure you would have your moments with her, but I know that she would love you.

Going in I was worried that her hugs and and love would end and she would no longer like having me around, but so far things have been going well. When Chris and I were dating I wanted so badly to move forward in our relationship, but I think that taking our time was something that helped us transition as well as we have. Kaylee and Melissa have both got used to having me around and still to this day, Kaylee is excited when Chris goes to work and we can have a "girls day". Sometimes I make pancakes, sometimes we sit in our PJs, most days we go to the lake, and every day I tell them to do chores. Is it bad that I'm always a little shocked when they actually listen to me? Again, I think it's because of the time we took getting to know each other as a unit. I am always sad when I think that they had to lose their mother, and Chris had to lose his wife for me to gain all that I have. If I could give up this life I have and give them their mother back, I would. I don't know what death is like from your perspective, but from us on this side of the veil it stinks. I would never wish this on anyone.

There have been a few days that I wasn't sure why Chris still puts up with me. I suffer from panic attacks occasionally and I feel like it makes me appear weak. There is nothing strong about curling up in a ball on the floor without the ability to move, and having your husband have to hold you as you shake violently. I hate it. I wish that they would go away just as quickly as they appeared when I was pregnant with you, but I think this is something that I will always have to live with. Luckily once I have worked through one trigger I am aware of it and that particular one I can move past. Chris is so supportive and loving. He says I help him in other ways, so I guess it works itself out.

I think you handpicked this family for me, and for that I am eternally grateful. It's hard to know that in order for me to have the freedoms I have, I had to lose you. But this life I have Ayla, this near perfect life, is everything I had wished for both of us. Even in death you have saved me. I can't wait for the day when I can give you a big hug and thank you.

I love you sweet girl. Happy birthday Ayla Carol Jacqueline.

Love always,
Mom

PS: Here is a picture of your new family.

How Far I've Come

On my blog I try to keep it honest but also strive for the balance of not sharing too much. Today I want to talk about my journey for the past year and a half and how far I have come since January 2013. I have already wrote my "word of the year" post but I feel like this one will go into a little more detail as to how I got to where I currently am.

I want to start five and a half years ago; after Ayla's death I felt that my whole world had just been shattered. The day she died a part of me died also and I didn't know how anyone could love someone who (in my opinion) was not a whole person. I was broken, and no one could fix that. At that time I was also dealing with my divorce and that topic would take another post entirely. Plus, I'm not entirely sure if I am ready to share that part. Needless to say however, I did not trust myself to make decisions when it came to romantic relationships. I had been in a string of relationships where there were significant commonalities. So of course I felt that it was something in myself that was attracting me to men with serious addictions. I never wanted to go there again so I decided to take a break so I could figure it out.

Sure I went on dates, but I always found something wrong with them. It didn't matter how kind they seemed, how respectful, or how similar they were to my story, I always found something to find fault in. I'm not saying they weren't great for someone else, but for me, I never felt completely comfortable being myself. I take full accountability for that. Nothing felt right and to be honest, I didn't understand why I couldn't let my guard down. I used Ayla and my divorce as a way to test people. I would throw it out there in an attempt to try to scare people away before they became too invested because really, if they couldn't take my past, they would never understand why I was the person I am today. And the experiences that brought me there. Some tried but in the end I always ended it before it even started. I never wanted to lead someone on if I had no intention of moving onto the boyfriend/girlfriend stage. I didn't want to waste their time, nor mine.

I've talked before how I believe in order to be ready to let someone in romanticly, you have to be okay with yourself first. Marriage is definitely not a way to run from your issues. Your insecurities and problems do not magically disappear (as nice as that would be, that never happens). I still suffer from panic attacks and moments where I cry for no reason. It's hard and something I've learned to deal with. It's so much better than it was, but still pops up occasionally and I didn't feel it fair to ask someone to be there when those flashback moments and triggers come. Especially since those have nothing to do with them. It's not their fault that I was in a situation where I felt worthless, it's not their fault I have trust issues, it's not their fault Ayla died, and it's definitely not their fault that I shut down when I need the most love.

All these things pushed me to take a hard look at who I was and how I could fix those insecurities on my own. I finally hit a point where I was happy, I felt perfectly content with where I was in life and if I never remarried that's okay, because I loved me. I had grown into someone I actually liked and had the confidence to embrace all aspects of myself. I knew that I was not willing to settle for less than I thought I deserved. It's funny how you begin to see the qualities that truly matter. And it's nothing like the list I made at sixteen.

I was actually truly happy and it felt wonderful, I didn't have to fake it anymore! Deep down I could feel thay life was about to be turned upside down...but I ignored it. Remember, I didn't want my life to change at that present moment and it had taken me so long to get to the peace I felt so I wanted to bask in that moment of content for a while longer.

I remember the moment Patricia sent me a message inquiring whether I would be up for a blind date with her uncle's best friend. I don't typically go for those types of things. But after doing an immense amount of research (both through Facebook and Monica telling me everything she could) I agreed. After all, he played guitar in a band, had good references, and didn't look half bad either. I had actually planned to wait to go on this date for a month because I didn't feel there was any rush. But, something told me that I needed to go that coming week. And I did.

I won't go into the mushy details for your sake, but from the moment I went out with him I knew he was exactly what I had been searching for. He is so kind, loving, and treated me like I mattered to him. He never beat around the bush and I knew exactly where I stood with him. And for the first time, I didn't feel anxious! That first night he took me out I stayed awake until four thirty in the morning because I felt something I had never experienced before. He knew about Ayla, and I knew about his late wife and both didn't seem to matter to us. All I wanted in a relationship was someone who understood pain, who would truly get why the memories will sometimes consume me and I just need someone to tell me that despite how much of a mess I feel, he is still willing to be there for me.

Chris said he wanted to see me again (I was shocked) and so he came here. He also didn't like texting (phones in general really) so we opted for phone calls instead. That was new. So much gets lost in text messages so being able to hear the tone and have us see if we have good communication skills was lovely. Our phone converstions have continued since then, twice a week, for between and hour and a half to two hours. At least I knew I could tell him anything.

There's another part to our story; his two beautiful children. When I met them I knew I was done for. I so desperately wanted them to like me and they did. It took a little bit for work to get where we are but in the months since both have opened up to me. We didn't show affection at first, and I don't think they knew we were dating but I loved hanging out with them. The more I was with them, the more I began to not only fall in love with Chris, but them too. They started to fill a hole that I never knew could be mended. There's a place where Ayla will forever dwell but having Melissa and Kaylee have helped me in more ways than they will ever know. Each has her own personality. And unique challenges, but I love them both with everything I have.

Chris has let me cry on his couch, humoured me when I want to watch my movies (he had never seen Harry Potter! That was almost a deal breaker), and has shown me good men do exist. He has been everything I needed and more. Even on those days where I feel so broken he reminds me that he is still there, and isn't going anywhere. He's they type of person you secretly wish for but never think you deserve because, again, why would someone like that want a person with so many scars?

What I've come to see is that we all have pain and scars that shape us into who we are. And settling for something less because you don't think you deserve better is silly! You have to be realistic of course and understand that no one is perfect, but finding someone who you can progress with is wonderful. I have finally found someone I want to go through life with. No anxieties, no red flags to ignore, and no reservations, just realistic bliss.

Two years ago I was barely able to pick up the pieces that my life was left in. I always was told, and felt for myself that because of the hell I endured that I had such great things coming my way, more than I could ever comprehend (insert eye roll here). Honestly, I didn't believe it. I knew I would be happy again, but I never dreamed that this life I have was the one I was going to get. I thought I knew joy, I thought I knew what real happiness was, but I was wrong. I look back five years ago at where I was at and can't even begin to see how I got this. This is everything I hoped for, the tears I wept for nights and months on end were heard and even though I didn't like the plan I was given, I cannot be more grateful at what is brought me to. I get to be a wife and and bonus-mom in one go! I am so incredibly blessed.

I know this was long winded. And likely a little sappy, but what I really am getting at is that one day you will look back at your trials and be grateful for how they shaped you. Life is not fair. And it hurts. But, one day it will be more incredible than you could ever imagine.

 Hold onto that hope that one day life will get better. I promise it will.

To the Broken

Mother’s Day is a wonderful time where we have a day dedicated to womanhood. We celebrate the woman who raised us, and if we are lucky, get to be on the receiving end of things. Getting breakfast made for you, homemade gifts, and a day where your husband takes care of your responsibilities. If you’re lucky, you may even get to sleep in! This is the ideal isn’t it? For many of us, it isn’t that simple. So this post is for you, the broken. 

For the single woman who goes to church alone. She sits there watching women walk hand in hand with their husband, children in tow. All she wants is for her pain of being alone to end, and to finally be who she has always dreamed of being; a mother. 

To the mother who wakes to an empty pillow beside her. She knows that soon the children will have to be fed, dressed, and finally herded into the vehicle where she hopefully will arrive on time. Next she will have to keep them quiet before finally sending them off for a few hours of peace. If she’s lucky. She never meant to be doing this alone, but here she is, just keeping her head above water. 

For the beautiful woman who does wake to the love of her life, but through no fault of her own, it’s always just been the two of them. She sighs and then puts on her brave face. Today she chooses to sit behind a family of six. Her eyes fill with tears when she sees that mother in front of her cuddle her three year old close. That women has no idea how lucky she is. 

To the woman who has a child but can’t seem to have more. Her body and heart still aching from the latest loss, she showers and tries to pick the outfit that compliments her ever changing body the best. The sweetest elderly woman in the back stands and gives her a hug. She winks and asks when she plans to have the next. The words sting, but she smiles anyway. 

For the woman who once felt the overwhelming joy of holding her own child, but now sits empty handed. She made it to church without a single tear this year! But the children stand up to sing to their mothers and she can all but hold it together. Her daughter would be five this year. It’s been so long that others don’t see the empty spot where she should be. But the mother does. 

Finally, to the mother who was up all night with her there year old. On the outside her life is great, she has a loving husband and six beautiful children. They always look put together and she prides herself on that. But, she sacrifices her wellbeing for her children. Isn’t that what mothering is about? Sacrifice? Oh, how nice it would be to have time to herself. 

I couldn’t cover them all, but I can assure you, all of these mothers will be sitting in our midst today. We have no ideas the battles behind the smiles we see. Motherhood is so much more than being a physical mother. We are all mothers in one way or another. How grateful I am to know that through incredible pain comes immense joy. 

To all the broken today, you are not alone. Please never feel alone. I love you, and as women I know that we will all reach out our arms in love and compassion to you. Look around you and see the wonderful women of strength we have to look up to. 

Today may be painful. But it won’t always be like that. That, I can promise you. 

President Monson: An Example of Service

This time of year is always one of reflection. And to be honest, I didn't plan on posting on Ayla's Angel Day this year, as I'm sure you sometimes tire of hearing about her. But, I felt that I needed to reflect on some feelings I have had on recent events.

For those who are not aware, I am LDS. I belong to a church where we believe that apostles and prophets lead God's church today and recently our beloved prophet Thomas S. Monson passed away leaving me with mixed emotions. There are so many things I could write about, and if you are remotely familiar with him you know how much his family and him gave to this church. He was called to be a bishop in his early 20s and by the time he was 36, he had been called as a member of the Quorum of the Twelve, with his youngest being only three years old.

He served the remainder of his life as a general authority and later as prophet. When I heard of his passing, all I could think was how wonderful that reunion in heaven would have been! The last few years without his wife must have been extremely trying. Having someone to come home to after a long day of work is such a blessing, and I am sure more than once she was his sounding board as he talked through some of the challenges he was facing as he struggled to lead the church in the way it needed to go. His wife gave her husband to the church and when she left, I feel like a piece of him also went with her. I can't imagine how hard that would be.

President Monson served his entire life until the end. In this month's Ensign magazine put out by the church, he spoke on kindness and forgiveness. What a way to leave your legacy! His final words were ones of love and encouragement. All he ever wanted was for the members to be kind and serve one another.

January is particularly difficult for me. Aside from the lack of sunlight and constant cold, I also struggle with the memories past January's bring. I have learned that there are certain hurts that never completely go away. I cope pretty well, but there are some days where the bitterness and pain I try so desperately to leave in the past come creeping back. I don't believe those feelings are wrong, but allowing them to consume you is. They can ultimately destroy you if you let them. Every year it's a struggle to not feel angry and bitter about how everything played out. In the same breath though, I do get through those feelings every year, and it's such a relief when I do.

With the passing of President Monson and his last few talks focusing on kindness and service, I have felt more and more how far I have to go. Each of us has pains and trials that are difficult to bear. I don't think I could deal with some of things others have to deal with, nor do I believe others would want my trials. Knowing that our life is tailored to our specific needs helps me to remember that God is very much aware of my pains, and what I need from him personally. He never asks us to take on other's problems, all that is required is being there for others. When I am having a hard time and I have people who support me, I need to do the same for them. It's so hard to get away from my self pity and actually serve others. There are times where you have nothing to give, and I think God recognizes that, but there are other times where serving someone else actually helps you.

In church today we talked about how it's great to look for opportunities to serve around the world, and those are fantastic and we should definitely do that, but service has to start in our own communities. During the time period between my separation from Arles and Ayla's death there were so many people who supported me and acted on promptings. In my opinion they acted through God in my behalf; to this day I don't think they truly know how much that meant to me. This time of year the feelings are especially tender. With the passing of President Monson and hearing that even when he was ill he still visited the lonely and the broken hearted it just showed me how much I have to improve on.

There are always people who need help and sometimes (as pointed out in our lesson today) we don't need to do much. Something as simple as sending a text to let your friend know you are thinking about them, a quick visit, or a hug in the hall can make a huge difference. Why don't I do this more? I know how much it helps me, and yet I don't do it myself. I guess in my head it has to be something well thought out before I attempt to help. I also know that people can be like me and not want to talk about their problems. I can put on a perfect mask when need be. But I learned the hard way that by doing that you begin to shut off all your emotions from yourself too. It is okay to accept help, and often the other person needs the blessings of serving you. Let us be honest, life is so much more bearable when it's shared.

What I am beginning to learn I suppose is that the little things all add up to the larger things. And if I can help just one person feel loved maybe it will remind me the love God has for me.

I admit that the beginning of January I was feeling pretty low, but this past week I have been reminded that although I made so many mistakes in my life and I feel like I was not the mother I should have been to Ayla, she knew I loved her with every fibre of my being. In turn, the love I felt for Ayla is nothing compared to what Heavenly Father feels for me. I hope that one day I will be able to be his instrument in expressing his love to others, so that they too can feel the peace that comes with knowing that we are never alone in our trials.

Today I remember my beautiful Ayla. This year however, I am allowing myself to share my burden. The wonderful part is, it doesn't feel as heavy as it once was. 

Welcome 2018!

How can 2017 be over already and we are starting another new year?! I say this every year, but this year truly has really flew. I think that's in part due to my new circumstances and how life has played out, but at the same time I think that the more busy you are, the more quickly time seems to go. I had an incredible year filled with new experiences and new people. Not only that, Chris came home from Texas and I was able to spend some time with the whole family before everyone goes their separate ways. One thing hasn't changed and that's how much God is there for me. I have had to be very open with Him this year. And open to His plans as opposed to mine.

Last year my word was vulnerable. Now, at the time I didn't completely understand why this word kept coming to mind, but I think I do now. I am one who puts up walls, particularly when I need the most love. I am constantly telling myself that if I ever break down, or let people see the real me, that I am weak. I have a really hard time letting people in and an even more difficult time sharing my load with others. Don't get me wrong, I was in a good place a year ago, but I still was trying to be independent. I am very much an "I'll deal with this myself" type of person. I still am, but I am improving.

This year started in a place where I had no idea what was coming, or how much I would need to be open and vulnerable. I love how God works sometimes. As many of you know, about a year ago I went on a date that changed my whole year. In many ways I was ready for it, but in other ways there are certain things that only a relationship can help bring out. I had to learn that it's okay to cry, that showing everything about you, the good, as well as the painful is what needs to happen. I had to learn and had to learn fast, that if this was going to work I had to be completely open about my insecurities and my past. And that's hard. When you have dealt with painful things you tend to lock it away deep down where there's no chance it'll pop up when you don't want it to.

Like everyone else, I'm sure my emotions come out at the most inopportune times. Take last week for example. It's been five years since my little Ayla got sick. Delivering Ayla's Stocking is usually fine for me, but this year was more emotional.

There was a doctor present that was there when Ayla died. That was fine, and actually he was very kind to me. When we came in he asked if I remembered him (to which I said yes, those people are hard to forget) he said he remembered Ayla very well and how beautiful she was. I also found out that it was him who ran to get the social worker that had been working with Arles, our families, and I through our hospital stay. He was the one who saw that I had a need of someone on my side as Ayla passed on and he acted on that prompting. I didn't know any of this previously.

Let me just put a plug in for the doctors here, they are the most selfless people I know.

I was fine on the drive back to Chris' house, but once I got back I couldn't hold back the tears. Unfortunately, his two kids were the witnesses to my few moments of tears. And you know what? It wasn't the end of the world. They saw I was crying and the youngest asked what was wrong. I explained that I was missing Ayla a lot. She said "okay" and moved on. And that's how it's been all year. They also have shown me great love and understanding.

There are days when I had a hard time and instead of waiting until I was in the car or in my room, I was honest about how I was feeling. I don't think Chris minded and I don't think I would have continued to open up if I didn't feel that he really cared or was listening. I learned that I don't have to be the strong one every time. In a normal functional relationship, you don't have to hide your feelings. To be honest, in my friendships there are only a few people I can be completely open with, but this year that circle expanded. I maintained the ones I already had, but made new ones as well.

This year I learned to strengthen the relationships I already had, and open myself up to new ones. It was a great year of learning for me.

This year my new word is patience. I struggled this year to think of a new word, but this is the one that feels the best for what I want to accomplish. This can take many forms and there are a few I want to focus on this year. I feel like this is something I will never fully master, but I want to do my best to improve.

I think the most important for me now is to be patient with myself. I held myself to a very high standard for so long that I often get frustrated when I can't master a skill or if I keep making the same errors over and over. It's okay if it takes me longer to master something or to learn how to be who I want to be. I have all these ideas of how to better myself, and more often than not, I get upset that I can't seem to do everything at once. I need to learn to be just as patient with myself as I am with others.

I saw a video on youtube a couple weeks ago where a woman asked others to talk to a childhood picture of themselves and say the things to that child that they tell themselves every day. It was an eye opening experience.

Another aspect of patience is learning that my timing is not the only one in effect. There is God's timing (which apparently is perfect :P) and our timing. I struggle to understand why things don't work out how I envisioned in my mind, and I found that I never truly know the answer. I have come to the conclusion that there is no way I am getting the answers I want in the timeframe I want them. Clearly I am not perfect at understanding this, so I am making it a goal to work on it this year.

I also want to be kinder and more patient to those around me. Something as simple as not getting frustrated when someone cuts me off in traffic. Once again, I will bring up that I can be stubborn at times and often I think that my solution is the most logical. But, I need to be kinder and more understanding.

Patience is an ongoing process, and definately one that will take some work. I am looking forward to bettering myself as I focus on this in the coming year.

2017 was a year of growth and change. I can't wait to see what experiences 2018 will bring! 

Ayla's Stocking; Loving Those Who Need It the Most

For those of you who have been with me for the past four years, you are well aware of what November means for me. It's the time of year where we start shifting our focus from ourselves to those around us and start looking for ways to serve and love those who need a pick-me up. For me, November means I start up a project called Ayla's Stocking. I started this project as a way to help me cope with the loss of my daughter Ayla but since it's grown and become so much more.

I'm sorry for those who have been around since the beginning, so I will keep the recap short. Five years ago I had a beautiful baby girl named Ayla. She came at a time that I needed her the most and became my everything, nothing gave me greater joy than helping her grow and learn new things. However, just after Christmas she got sick and died three weeks later in the Children's Hospital. The next Christmas I started a project where I collected toys and other items as a way to help me remember her, and also help those in pain. 

Through the years it's grown and become something I look forward to. I have had so many great experiences and have felt the love of those around me as they give up a little time to make a difference in my life. I am always so humbled. For the past two years (and now this year as well), I have been able to partner with justserve.org and this has grown Ayla's Stocking exponentially. To be honest, if we get any more than we did last year we might have to make two trips! It's a fantastic sight to see and wonderful to know that in a world of so much turmoil there are still good people in the world willing to reach out. 

This year I had a unique experience. The hospice where Ayla spent her last days hosts a series of parent discussion groups periodically and because I live out of the city I never took the opportunity to go. But a couple months ago I was able to drive up there and attend. Most people who have lost any loved one know how lonely it can be as you move through grief. I remember while in the hospice with Ayla, I luckily had a great support system but few people really grasp what it means to lose a child. And that's incredibly difficult as you strive to come to terms with illness and death. Both the hospice and hospital became a safe place for me where the outside world did not exist. Not everyone is religious but for me it was a place where I felt as if I was inside the temple. It's really a feeling like no other. And the experiences I had there still are just as tender as they were almost five years ago.

While at this group I realized how lucky I truly was to have so many people coming to my aid in whatever way possible. I could see the pain as the other parents discussed their unique challenges and I couldn't help but feel that all this community of people (who never asked to join this "club") need is love. They need someone to acknowledge that although there is nothing you can do to stop this pain, you are there to support them through the grief. While you are in the thick of watching your child go through so much it's hard to see how many people do care. I know that a Christmas gift isn't much, but I hope that when those parents are at a group meeting in the future they remember that someone out there loved them enough to give them a momentary pick me up. 

As always there a few ways you can contribute; if you are in the Calgary region you can go to justserve.org and there will be information on how to get involved there. My house here is also a drop off location. You can contact me via email (julie.obrien03@gmail.com), hone, text, Facebook, or Instagram for more information. I am delivering the toys the morning of Friday, December 22, so you have until then. 

Here is a refresher on some of the things you can give;

       - Infant rattles, rings, teether type toys

       - Gift cards that can be given to families (Toys R Us, Walmart, Tim Horton's...)

       - Pajamas of varying sizes

       - Craft kits (with supplies all enclosed) or small boxes of pencil crayons, crayons, markers, etc.

       - Musical toys (anything that plays sounds or music, push button toys...)

       - Slippers (children and adults)

       - One-size fits all stretchy gloves

       - Toques and winter hats

       - Books (mostly infant and teen books)

       - Board games (for any age)

       - Sensory games (for any age)

       - Teen items (nail polish, journals, hair accessories, etc.)

These are just some ideas, if you have ones of your own then by all means go for it.

With everything that has been going on in the world I feel it's important to look for the little things we can do to brighten someone's day. Of course I would love to get as many toys and items to donate to my project, but even if you don't donate to Ayla's Stocking please look for other ways to serve. We can't change all the awful things that happen in the world, but we can change just one person's world. As someone who has been on the recipient end many times, I can verify how much it means. 

As always, thank you so much for the support I have received through the years. I cannot express enough how much it means to me! This year as you go about your Christmas season I hope you have time to reflect on what this season is all about and remember Christ.