My Shoes and I

So I feel as if my shoes and I would make a great couple. They have been through everything with me; high school with all that comes with that, moving out on my own, marriage, pregnancy, divorce, birth, child loss, and now re entering YSA. Through thick and thin they have been there and they always will be. So I came to the conclusion that no matter what comes my way, I will always have my shoes. 

Does that make me a strange person? Perhaps. But I'm okay with that :)

Looking Forward

With it being New Year's Eve tomorrow I've been reflecting on the past year, it has been a whirlwind of ups and downs. It's been a time of pain and of reflection. I feel like I've been through the refiners fire and have come out on top :) I cannot adequately describe the range of emotions that I have experienced this past year and I would hope that no one does understand. I feel like The Lord has shaped me into someone far greater and stronger then I ever thought existed. I am who I am and love it :)

My cousin Charlotte makes a goal word every year, it's like a New Years goal of sorts. I have not been good at making goals the past few years. In the past three or so years I think my goal has been to survive, this year however I have a different goal in mind. It's my gift to Ayla in a way, a way to show her that I am grateful for what her death let me do. 

The word this year is live.  

This year has been so focused on the past and grieving the future that I never got to experience, that there were days that I didn't appreciate the present. My life is fantastic and I'm tired of looking back and worrying about what is to come. 

When I found out Ayla would not recover I was heartbroken, I'm not often one to ask why but at that moment I did. Even now thinking about that time gets me panicked. I never want to experience that pain again. But after the pain numbed a bit I realized that I was really getting a chance to start fresh. I would have much preferred her to be right here next to me physically but there are certain things we can't change.  

The best I can do is live. Live my life and be happy with my life right now. Not what is was, or what it will be, but what it is. I think that I have grown quite a bit and I feel as if I'm finally ready to let go of control. For those that who know me you have probably noticed that I can be a touch OCD about things...particularly timing. I like things to go my way. But I'm learning patience :). 

I also know that in living my life I'm on the road to personal happiness. As long as I live every day to the fullest, learn to laugh, and let go of insignificant things, I will get more out of it.

I am so ready for this new year. I feel like 2014 will be fantastic.

{I put a YouTube video up but it doesn't show up on mobile devices so here's the link to it as well}

Let It Go-Idina Menzel

Delivering Ayla's Stocking

I tried writing this post many times and it never seems to come out just right. But I feel like with Christmas fast approaching I need to write my feelings while they are still fresh. So here it goes :)

I went up to Calgary this past weekend to deliver most of the gifts that were given for Ayla's stocking (I have a few items that I'll be delivering later on). How can I describe in words the overwhelming response I received. I was so humbled at how everyone banded together to make a difference in the lives of so many. 

In all I think we had close to $1,000 in gifts and almost $1,000 in gift cards. Not to mention the home knit toques and mittens! It was such a wonderful sight for me and having lived the life of those parents for a short time last and this year I understand how much it means to see that people care. 

I had the opportunity to give two gifts in person to children with handicaps. I am pretty good at keeping emotions in check around others, but a boy made me tear up with joy. The nurse told him that I had brought a gift for him, as soon as she showed him the truck his face just lit up and he started giggling. He was so excited to have the truck that I couldn't even take it to take a picture with the nurses and my family. 

For me this is what Christmas means. It's about the joy of uplifting others. If that's all I received for Christmas, that would be enough. :)

Christmas Season

It's exactly two weeks until Christmas. Do I have any shopping done? No. Do I even know what I'm getting my family? No again. This year has just flown by! I can hardly believe that it's almost Christmas again, if feels like just yesterday that I was buying gifts for last Christmas.

There is something special about experiencing Christmas with a child, even though Ayla was just a baby she brought a magic into the season that cannot be explained. As I said last year she knew what Christmas was all about. And I have no doubt that she knew what the next couple weeks would bring for her. 

During this year I've been trying to reflect and remember why we celebrate Christmas. Yes, giving is wonderful but what about the people you can't give gifts for? I can't give Ayla something physical. I can't watch as her eyes light up with excitement. But there is something I can do. I can remember her life and be greatful thst there was a child born in manger. One who makes it possible for me to see my beautiful daughter again. 

Through this season I also reflect on how Mary felt. Let's not even get started on being in labor on a donkey. Ouch. Or giving birth in a stable. Again, ouch and highly unsanitary. But do you think she fully understood as she held her perfect newborn son that he would not only do marvellous things, but that he'd also endure the most pain imaginable? I have no doubt that she knew but I doubt she understood what that actually meant. 

As a mother you want to protect your child from all harm, you can't, but you want to. How would it feel to give birth to Jesus and know that he was the key to everyone's eternal salvation? It would be a lot to take in. Mary must have been an amazing woman. I cannot even imagine the heartache as she watched him go through what he did. 

I am so grateful for the Christmas season where I can reflect on the birth of the Savior. It seems every year there's more and more thoughts that enter my mind. And I'm grateful for the growth and understanding I gain each and every year :). 

I hope that everyone has a fantastic Christmas and that you find comfort in knowing that even if the holidays are tough for you, that there will always be someone who knows your pain.  

Update

Has it really been almost a month my last post? Time seems to be moving at hyper speed and I don't even notice it until I look back. 

I have been doing great. Being on my own has had it's challenges but this time around I think I'm doing better then last time. For instance, we actually cook! Yes I have eaten real food most nights and it's been lovely. As roommates we make it a joint effort :) we share food which is nice. That way we each only pay a fraction of the price. It makes things a whole lot easier. 

My YSA ward has been friendly, I feel like I'm back home. I was in this ward last time I moved into town with roommates and so I know quite a few people. Even the bishopric is the same. There are also those people who know me and remember me from three years ago. I have found more every week who tell me they remember me or know my story. I unfortunately don't remember some of them but reguardless, I feel like I can be open because I don't feel like I have to hide the not so nice parts of my past. Or even the best part of it. 

Again I have my struggles. I don't know if the ache will ever cease and frankly I don't know if I want it too. There are days where I cry because I miss Ayla so so much. But because I miss her I know that she wasn't a dream. It sometimes feels that way, I can't believe how much has been thrown my way in the past couple years and it's been so fast that it felt like a dream. But it wasn't. I have the pictures and beautiful videos to prove it :)

Doing the Ayla's Stocking project has helped immensely. I feel like I'm serving others and maybe this Christmas I'll touch someone else's life like mine was touched almost a year ago(!) That's my hope anyway. I'll post more on Ayla's stocking on a later date. 

So that's about all going on in my life at the moment. I'm sure as the month goes on I will have more to say on the Christmas season, it means more now then ever and I can't wait to adequately express all the feelings I have about it :)

Moving On

So I made a major decision a couple weeks ago...I decided to move out. It was a pretty quick decision but one I prayed about, and I immediently felt good. Yesterday I moved into my new place, It was so weird to see my family leave and know that once again I'm on my own. I almost felt like a little freshman again. Wanting to move forward but also wanting to not have to grow up. Again. 

I have fantastic roommates and great friends here. I can already tell that this was the right choice :) it's a big step but one I needed to take. 

Ayla's Stocking: Helping Families in Need

So for a while I have mentioned a Christmas idea I have been working on...I think now is a good time to tell you about it. I have called it Ayla's Stocking.

Last Christmas was wonderful, probably the best I ever had! This was due to my beautiful daughter teaching me the true spirit of Christmas. I found joy not so much in the gifts I received, but in picking out small gifts for my little Ayla. She was happy and such a joy to have. 

I will forever be grateful for my one and only Christmas with Ayla. But as you know shortly after that beautiful day, she got very ill and later passed. Being in the hospital during the most joyous time of the year, and realizing that for so many families Christmas was anything but joyous made me grateful for what I had been blessed with. 

Next door to Ayla in the ICU there was a cute curly haired boy who had a Christmas tree up in his room. By the look of it he had been there for many months. I cannot even imagine spending Christmas in the ICU. I tear up thinking about the pain these people endure. 

When I later was in the hospice waiting for Ayla to die I met one family that looked so sad. They looked so drained. I probably did too, but it was if they had no hope left. It was heartbreaking. Their child died not long after we arrived. 

So between these and other experiences I had I decided that I wanted to give to those who are suffering, who may never have a normal Christmas with their child. So in thinking and pondering over this for the past couple months I came up with a small idea, one that I hope will spread and lift the spirits, even for a moment, of these families. 

So I decided to call the project Ayla's Stocking. I am going to fill the stocking that I made for Ayla last year with little stocking stuffers and small gifts, then two weeks or so before Christmas I am going to deliver it to the hospice and hospital, where they will distribute the gifts to families that are there for the holidays.  My goal is to let these people know that there are people who both care, and understand their pain. I want them to feel that they are not alone.

Now for the fun part, I think it would be amazing if I can get as many people involved as possible. I would like anyone who is willing to also participate! I am putting up a stocking at work and asking for donations from families there through the month of November until the beginning of December and I will also allow people to drop off or mail some things directly to my parents house up until December 13 (this should give you plenty of time). 

I talked to Megan Miller, a social worker that I got to know at the hospice and she gave me some ideas of things that could be given:

- Infant rattles, rings, teether type toys

- Gift cards that can be given to families (toys r us, wal mart, tim hortons...)

- Pyjamas of varying sizes

- Craft kits (with supplies all enclosed) or small boxes of pencil crayons, crayons, markers, etc.

- Musical toys (anything that plays sounds or music, push button toys...)

- Slippers (children and adults)

- One-size fits all stretchy gloves

- Toques and winter hats

- Books (mostly infant and teen books)

These are just some ideas, if you have ones of your own then by all means go for it.

If you would like to participate you can either send me a message via Facebook or leave your email in a comment below and I will be in touch. 

I know that this may not make much of a difference but I want Ayla to be remembered this holiday season. This is the best way I can think of. So this is the plan. I am so excited to see how it plays out! :) 

Again thank you for the love and support my family and I have received over the past year and a half. I will be eternally grateful to everyone for their kindness.