I'm Standing

I realized today that it has been almost three months since I wrote a blog post and I assure you I have not fallen off the face of the earth. Time seems to get away from me at times and before I know it I have so much to say that it all piles up. I have draft after draft of posts that will probably remain drafts for a while longer, but I feel like an update is probably necessary.

Life has been fantastic. It truly has. Last week I had the opportunity to drive to Salt Lake for conference and experience it live. There were so many great messages given and I know that beyond a shadow of a doubt that these men are ordained of God. There was one talk that spoke about The Prodigal Son story found in The Bible. Elder Nielson spoke about his sister and the years his family spent waiting for her to return. Sometimes in life we may feel like giving up hope on people, and more times then not they don't want our help nor our sympathy, but I got the impression that no matter how long it takes, we can never give up hope on others. And when they do choose to return home, we need to accept them with open arms. I have seen this in my life and I know that God is great and if he who bore all our pains can forgive us completely, then I can forgive too. There were far more wonderful talks but it would take too long to try to cover them all. You can read more of them here.

Chris received his mission call this week! What was interesting was that I wasn't even suppose to be home but a couple weeks ago Patricia text me saying that she wanted to change our travel plans a touch since she no longer had the week following conference off. That was fine by me and I felt like it was a smart choice for both of us. Then on my way home I got a text from Chris saying that he had received his mission call early and when I got back to Canada he wanted me to come over so I could watch him open it. It was perfect timing and nothing short of God's hand in my opinion. When it's suppose to happen things fall into place :). I will be so blessed to have both brothers out by the end of the summer! I have already seen Eric's growth and I know that although I miss him, he is where he is suppose to be. I can't wait to see the same growth in Chris.

This week we also welcomed in a new Stake President. The love I feel for my previous Stake President is overwhelming. He was with me through the most difficult time of my life. He knew everything about what was going on behind closed doors and I never felt once that he was listening because he had to, I knew that he truly cared for me and wanted nothing more then to let me know that he cared for all of us involved. He became a big part of my life and seeing him move on to a different calling was hard for me. As he was leaving on Sunday he stopped by my family to talk to us and with tears in all our eyes we told him how important he is to us and he told us how important we are to him too. I know he will forever be a big part of my life and I know that he will do great things for many more.

My main concern when I heard his name announced to become an Area Seventy in General Conference was that the next Stake President wouldn't know me or anything from my past. And quite honestly I didn't feel like explaining it again. But here's the interesting thing...when they announced the name of the new one I knew that God had heard and answered my concerns. The new Stake President is very much aware of me and was there with the previous Stake President to give Ayla the last blessing she had on this earth. He saw her two days before she died and he knows me. I know that every one probably feels that God answered them individually but I knew in that instant that it was for me. It is such a great feeling to know that even though we may not always feel it, God hears us.

Now on a totally different note I want to write briefly about a lady who's blog I have followed for quite some time now. From the moment I found her blog I have read every update and found myself becoming more and more invested in her story. I have been meaning to write about her for quite some time but haven't got around to it. And every time I try, I find myself overwhelmed at the love and compassion this great woman shows.

Her name is Ashlee and she is incredible. One night four years ago she got a knock on the door that changed her life forever. In those few minutes she found that her inclining's were true, her husband was indeed bring unfaithful. Not only that but he had been murdered. Her blog takes us as readers through pain, forgiveness, and hope.

To describe in words the sympathy I feel is impossible. She has endured more than anyone I know, the grace and love she has shown is miraculous. I may have experienced pain and loss but reading her words make me realize that I was lucky in so many ways. 

I don't know her personally but I feel like because she has opened herself up to the Internet world she had allowed us to experience all aspects of her healing process. It is has been such a wonderful gift for me to read her words and through her thoughts and feelings sort through my own. 

The past couple years have been filled with ups and downs and for the most part I have worked through them. But there are days where the specifics are brought forward in my mind and I remember the days so long ago that I had felt completely alone. It is often on the days that I feel the most down that Ashlee comes out with a new blog post. She truly has a way with words and it's exactly what I need to read. It's not just her words, it's usually a combination of things but her posts tend to get me into the right mindset to listen to what God is trying to tell me.

Over the past several months I have been shedding layers and walls so that one day I can let others in fully. I have felt a pull to sever all ties and I am finally feeling hope for the future. It's a great feeling :) more often then not, I am finding myself content with where my life is heading and I am genuinely happy.  

The future seems so much brighter lately. 
 
Ashlee is holding a conference in a couple months and she entitled it; A Reason to Stand. Since I am unable to attend the conference I have still been contemplating what exactly I stand for. In thinking through this I have come up with this simple list and feel now is a good time to share it:

I stand...
-for love and forgiveness 
-for my future 
-so my daughter and I will be reunited again 
-so others can feel comfortable enough to crumble knowing that I want to help lift them
-for my eternal family 
-because I know that life will always get better 
-firm in my values, not because I have to, but because I want to
-because I know what it's like to feel alone and I don't ever want someone to feel that way

-so Satan will wake up every day fearing what good I may do.

 

And finally...I stand because I know that I am not standing alone. 

Ayla's Stocking 2014 Update

I received the most wonderful email! You know about Ayla's Stocking and the success it brought about this year, obviously, but today Shannon who is one of the head people at the hospice sent me this lovely email;

Hi Julie, 

I can definitely share some tidbits with you! I was not here for the actual Christmas Day but I was a part of much of the wrapping and choosing gifts process, and I got some info from the nurses who were here that day. We had 4 children admitted here that day, 2 with family staying and 2 without family staying. We closed down the teen room and made it into a “Santa’s Workshop” and had all the donation in there, kind of like a toy store. For the families who were in house, we asked parents if they wanted to come shop for gifts in the donation room (which they did! And were thrilled to be able to). We even had one patient who came with his parents into the workshop room to choose gifts for his brothers and sisters. It was very sweet of him, and there was no way he would have been able to go to the mall or a store to shop for them so definitely a great help for the family.

On Christmas eve, a volunteer and I spent some time wrapping gifts for patients, siblings, and parents who would be waking up in the house on Christmas day. For one family in particular, who had made their own Christmas tree in the their room and decorated everything, we wrapped up some of the gift cards and hung them on the tree in the room (the nurses snuck in to do this while everyone was sleeping) and they were very surprised by this in the morning! Lots of thanks and smiles from them!

All in all it was very successful and we still have stuff left over that we can continue to give away and use over the next few months. Thank you so much for your support and the families all shared their gratitude and thanks as well!

Take care,

Shannon Murch, CCLS

Child Life Specialist

Rotary Flames House

This brought me to tears. I have said this so many times but I am so grateful to all who have helped in one way or another. I know that Ayla could not be saved but knowing that she will always be remembered like this is wonderful. I could not have done this without any of you and I hope you realize how much of an impact you have on not only my life but countless others. 
 

Reading these stories help me to recognize that behind all the gifts are real people. The boy who was able to 'shop' for gifts that he otherwise would not have the opportunity to do in his current state is remarkable. I can't help but wonder if this would be his last Christmas with his family. And being able to provide him with even a bit of holiday spirit makes my heart melt. 

Again I am humbled at the kindness of others! I truly do have the best people surrounding me :) life couldn't be better. 

Angel Day and Ayla's Stocking Update

I feel like I have so much to share in the blog world today and the words I want to say are not coming as easily as I would like. But since I have neglected the post on Ayla's Stocking I will be combining that with my semi-annual letter to Ayla. Hopefully it will be worth the read.

Dear Ayla,
I am so filled with love today and it's hard to believe I am once again facing your angel day. Last year was hard. Harder then I could have imagined. But somehow I made it through it :) And this year has been so much better. I pushed through these past couple weeks with very little tears comparatively speaking. I had no break downs and ringing in the new year held no overwhelming feelings. I still miss you. Always will, but this year has felt different. I feel like God has blessed me with the opportunity to grow and learn and even though I can't hold you that's okay :) I love you so much and I would never take back the pain I endured. Both in losing you and the months leading up to your death.

This Christmas season was wonderful. I love that we are given the opportunity to celebrate our Savior's birth and how that brought about so many wonderful things. Through him and his sacrifice we have been given the opportunity to be together again. I love that in the temple and sometimes at home I feel you close, I don't always recognize it but I know you are there. Even little things like Emily sending me a text with miss Millie melts my heart and I know that you two know each other.

I delivered Ayla's Stocking for the second time and this year was even more wonderful then last! I sent out flyers in my hometown and the response and love I received was remarkable. People brought me to tears on a number of occasions. There was one special girl who's daughter probably awaited you in heaven. She left this life only a couple of weeks before you did and I remember feeling so terrible that her mom was enduring a similar situation. It breaks my heart. Please watch over her and her angel baby.

So in addition to sending out flyers and receiving so many wonderful and thoughtful gifts Aunt Janice got her workplace to help. The response was overwhelming. I walked into the house and saw the amount of toys there and it brought tears to my eyes. There are so many good people in the world! Even amongst all the terrible things that are going on around us people find a way of surprising me. I know that you would love to see the children's faces as they received gifts in your name. I know that this will become a yearly tradition that I hope my future children can come to appreciate how serving others is by far the greatest gift we could give. I am so bad at writing cards but I hope to have thank you cards delivered to all who participated in the next couple months.

After delivering the toys we went up to the second floor of the hospital and looked at the memory tree. There are so many families who lost children :( I know that they too will see them again. I wish I could convey that message of hope to all, but this blog is as good as it gets for now. As I watched families walk by it still felt surreal, I can't believe that I lived that life for three weeks. And the fact I'm doing as well as I am is amazing to me. I could not have done it without the knowledge I have that's for sure.

Which brings me to my next point. The past couple months I have been struggling with forgiveness. I don't know why but for a while there I felt like I was starting over in that respect. But I have learned quite a bit from my studying. I learned that forgiving others is that it is not a one-time thing. You have to learn to forgive every. Single. Day. Just when I think I have forgiven someone old feelings come creeping up. For every couple of steps forward I feel like I take one back, this has been an ongoing challenge and honestly I think it probably will be for quite some time. No matter how many times you try to think of how much better life would have been if certain choices hadn't been made, it doesn't change the outcome. Dwelling on what could have been doesn't change a thing. And even more so being bitter about it doesn't help in the slightest. There are people in my past who probably have no idea how much they hurt me. And for a long time I hoped that one day they would come to understand how I felt at that particular time.

You were the only one there every moment of that, it was painful for me knowing that I couldn't hide the pain I was feeling from you. I so wish I could have shielded you from it...but honestly Ayla I think you were sent to me so that I would have something to look forward to. I needed you far more then you needed me. You knew what you were in for and you still came :) Thank you Ayla.

I also gained a greater understanding of the atonement. the past couple months. I was writing a talk on love and forgivingness Christ always comes to our aid and offers his sympathies knowing exactly how we feel. But the beauty is that he knows the other person too, so although he is sad for us and in no way diminishes our feelings, he also understands the logic behind others actions. He is the only person who can fully understand both sides of the story and in the end he will be the one to judge us. Fairly. It is so wonderful to know that someone will forgive us no matter what :) Even me. I have to work a little harder to get to the Celestial Kingdom then you did but that's okay, I'm on my way.

You would be proud to know that I am finally making new friends. For a long time I feared that my story would scare people off, or they wouldn't know what to say. It's true for some but I wouldn't change my story for anything. There are people who are afraid to approach the topic of you but as I've learned to be open about it I have found that people take it a lot better. As time goes on I have learned to embrace it. I also have stopped throwing you up as a wall. Sorry for that...I used to use it to keep people out and weed out the ones who couldn't handle it. But as I have found the balance I need to no longer feel the need to put up walls, but at the same time be cautious about who I let in, I have been so much more confident in myself.

I thank God everyday that he sent you to me. I learn more every year and I can't wait for the day to snuggle you in my arms.

Love you to heaven and back,

<3 Mom

 

Welcome 2015!

Where has this year gone? It feels like just yesterday that I was writing a post reflecting on 2013 and now 2014 is over! As with last year I have been reflecting and reminiscing about all that I accomplished in this past year.

My word for this past year has been live and looking back I notice that I have far surpassed my expectations. As I said last year I had been living in survival mode that I was numb to the world, I was still crying quite often and wishing that life had turned out much differently then it did. Once you go into survival mode it's very hard to come out of it. However, slowly (it didn't seem like progress at the time) I began to laugh more often, I started putting myself out there more, and I stopped trying to fit into the YSA mold I felt I needed to be. 

I learned more about myself and who I could be more in the past year then I thought possible. Looking back I think I've made more progress then I had in a long time. I have become close to heaven and for the first time I have been okay with no definite plan. 

The more I gave up control the more my life just seems to work out on its own. If a year ago you were to tell me that I would go on vacation with Megan, be a councelor at efy, change jobs, watch Eric leave on his mission, and start a process that I hadn't planned on starting for quite some time, I would say you were crazy. But everything has felt right and fallen into place so perfectly that I don't think it's all my doing. 

There have been moments this year when I felt low. I realize that this happens to everyone but I don't like the feeling, it's like I feel the need to always be in control of my emotions. I think it started a long time before Ayla got sick but I started putting up an emotion wall, I go into this place where I allow myself to stop feeling. It doesn't always work, as evidence of my last few months before I separated, but sometimes my emotions get the best of me and spill out.  

In those times I found that God has always blessed me. Often it's through friends, family, scriptures, songs, and recently a lovely woman named Ashlee--her story is incredible! One day I will find the right words to express my feelings about her, but today is not that day. If I've learned one thing it's that I am always being watched over. 

I feel like this year has been a transition year. Like I mentioned previously I didn't feel like I was making progress but looking back I see how far I've come. Now that I've transitioned into someone more confident and sure of myself I feel like it's time to go outward.

So in thinking this through I have decided that my word for this coming year is love. Now this is a pretty broad topic and I hope you'll bare with me while I explain. 

I want to love where my life is right now. I've hit this point to a certain extent but I want to continue to not only be content with my here and now...but love where I am. And where life will take me. I really have no definite plans and I'm actually okay with that :). I want to feel like no matter what does or doesn't happen I can accept it. After the divorce I wanted life to move quickly along so that I could gain what I thought I had lost back. When it didn't happen I felt frustrated. However, the more I've relaxed and let my control over every aspect of my life go, the more I've realized that it's so much better this way. And I've grown because of it. 

I also want to love who I am. Again I have been working on this but this year I plan to take more steps to become more confident in myself and my story. I really do love who I am becoming but I feel like I still need to heal a bit more and let go of the extra baggage I carry. It's slowly coming off but I want it mostly gone so I can move forward more then I already have. I don't want to be defined by my story. It bugs me when I'm introduced as "this is my friend Julie, she's divorced" I know that on here I'm pretty open about my life but I feel like through this blog people can begin to gain insight into who I am as a person. I don't want people meeting me for the first time to know nothing more than I'm divorced. I am so much more then that and it's time that I define who I am, not my story.

Last I want to show love to everyone around me. I want to be that genuinly happy person who can lift the spirits of those around me. Service would actually go hand in hand with this one. I don't want to focus on my trials anymore, they made me who I am but it's time I use them to help other people who are struggling. I get really nervous when people reach out for reassuring words but I want to find it in myself to know what I can do, and show them the love they derseve. This year I plan to study more on how to love and serve as Christ did. I have more to give then even I give myself credit for and it's time I embrace what I've learned and spread it outward. I just need to figure out exactly how to do that.

I feel like this year will be a big one...you know when you can just feel that things are going to change? This is how I feel about 2015. It's going to be exciting to see how it pans out.

So farewell 2014, it's been grand and you've let me relax and heal. But hello to 2015, I can't wait to see what you have in store :)

Ayla's Stocking: Round Two!

As October has come to a close and Christmas approaching I have been starting to think about the project that just one year ago I introduced. For those who are new to my blog and Ayla's story; two years ago I had a sweet baby girl who got extremely ill during Christmas break and later passed away (you can read her story here). We spent three weeks in the hospital and hospice surrounded by families that may never have a normal Christmas with their children. It was so heartbreaking to witness and as Christmas approached last year I wanted to give back and let the parents know that they are not alone. It is such a devastating road, and one I would never wish on anyone.

A year ago I introduced a project I called Ayla's Stocking. The idea is to collect toys and little stocking stuffers not only help lift the spirits of the children, but to help relieve the stress that comes with Christmas for the parents. Last year we collected over $1000 in toys and at least that in gift cards. I am still in awe at the support we received and I am hoping that this year goes just as well.

 I expected Ayla's Stocking to be small and thought only my closest family and friends would participate, what I got however was far more then I could ever have imagined! Not only did you humble me with your generosity, but you gave so much love and hope to the families that truly needed it. I cannot believe how well it went last year and now that Christmas is coming up again I would be honored if you all participated yet again.

A couple weeks ago I got a phone call from my Aunt Janice, she told me that every year her workplace brings donations for a charity to their Christmas party. This year she surprised me by saying that she talked to her manager and they agreed to donate to Ayla's Stocking! I am so thankful that Aunt Janice thought of my project and am so excited to see how it will turn out. It is continuing to grow and I love it! And I know that Ayla is just as happy to see it expand :)

This year will be similar to last year, I will be collecting items until December 18th and driving up to Calgary to deliver them to the Flames Rotary House on either the 19th or 20th. From there the staff will distribute the gifts as they see fit. Last year I got to hand-deliver a couple and the joy on the children's faces were such a sight to see. If you want to donate you can either drop the gifts off directly or mail them to my parents house.

So here's a quick reminder of things you can give:

- Infant rattles, rings, teether type toys

- Gift cards that can be given to families (Toys R Us, Walmart, Tim Horton's...)

- Pyjamas of varying sizes

- Craft kits (with supplies all enclosed) or small boxes of pencil crayons, crayons, markers, etc.

- Musical toys (anything that plays sounds or music, push button toys...)

- Slippers (children and adults)

- One-size fits all stretchy gloves

- Toques and winter hats

- Books (mostly infant and teen books)

 

These are just some ideas, if you have ones of your own then by all means go for it.

I know that it has been almost two years but I remember everything about those three weeks with absolute clarity. I can even tell you the outfits I wore from day to day :P. But more then that I remember how much everyone banded together to keep my family and I going when we all felt like we had nothing more to give. You kept me from shutting down completely and I know that if it had not been for all the little things each individual did, whether it was visiting us, stopping by to give my mom and I a massage, a gift basket, a box of sushi, providing meals to my brothers who were left at home alone for the first day, for the many meals that came after, and even the simple things like uplifting texts and a prayer offered in our behalf, we would not been able to endure those weeks as well as we did. I wish you could understand the impact you have had on my life, and I know that the families that are in similar circumstances feel the same way.

Even if you don't donate to Ayla's Stocking I would encourage you to serve someone around you and keep the true spirit of the holidays in your heart.

 

Because that is what Christmas is truly about.

 

 

 

As a side note; if you want to know more about Ayla's Stocking and the success we had last year I have added a tab at the top of the page with all the posts I have written regarding it. I will continue to update it with any new posts and news as time goes on.

Ayla's Second Birthday Letter

Dearest Ayla,

It has been a long time! I cannot believe today was suppose to be your second birthday...it's strange that so much time has passed. Time is a funny thing, no matter how much or little you do...it moves on. Sometimes quite suddenly. 

Somedays it's hard to remember that you were actually a living, breathing baby once, all I have is pictures and luckily some videos but everything has faded. I wish this wasn't the case but there are days where I forget that it wasn't always like this, that there was a time where you occupied every moment of everyday. But there are moments where I remember. And those moments prove that you are always near and wish for those moments too. I'm sure you miss them just as much as I do. I felt you so strong in the temple Ayla, you and others on the other side brought me to tears! Oh how I miss that connection with you sometimes. 

I say this all the time but I miss you so much. What I've come to grips with is that no matter what I will always miss you and shed tears over you. My life is not going as I had ever planned it, but it's made me into the person I am. And I love who I am. Truly.  

Ayla, there is a conversation I had a few months ago with a dear friend's mother. We talked about you and the trial with your dad and she asked "if you could go back and have chance to not have to endure the pain you did, would you?" My answer was a resounding no, I would live that hell over and over if I got the opportunity to have you even for four months. I would not change a thing Ayla and I hope you know that. I love you so much that I would gladly do everything over. You taught be so much and it was truly a privilege to spend time with you. 

And without you I would not be the strong person I have become. I would not know the things I do, and I would definitely not learned how you can love someone with every fibre of your being. You are the best thing that could've happened to me. The more time that passes the more I understand that even with the veil separating us, we still communicate. There has not been one night that I haven't whispered before I went to bed a "good night Ayla, I love you". I may not always be consciously thinking about you but you are always there.

What used to bring me pain, what triggers I used to have don't bother me as much anymore. There was a time that I wanted everyone in YSA to know my story, just so I could be open. But now I know that not everyone is ready to hear about you, and if a comment is made such as "none of us know what it's like to be a mother" or "we don't understand what being a parent is about yet" it's okay because I know that not everyone knows my story and how can they be sensitive to those statements if they don't know. 

Nothing much has changed since last time I wrote. I still live in town and I am still in YSA. I am just trying to do everything I can to keep busy and it works. I find I am much happier when I feel productive and I find that people are more open to talking about you then I thought. I misjudge sometimes. And I shouldn't. 

Eric left on his mission in July...it's crazy how he hasn't been here for a month and it seemed to fly by. It's strange that he will be gone for two years but I can't wait to see the person he will become. You'll help him right? I know you will be there for him as much as he needs you to be :) thank you in advance miss Ayla. 

I attended efy as a councelor this year, it's something I always wanted to do and am so happy I did! I met some fantastic youth and got the opportunity to share this wonderful gospel on a daily basis. If I'm still around next summer I will definitely do it again. Through efy I gained new friendships and met unique people. It was amazing. I even shared a little about you ;). 

I also have some other news...I changed jobs. My daycare threatened to shut down and as I contemplated my options the school I graduated from called and asked if I wanted a last minute interview for an aid position. I didn't even apply but somehow I got the interview...then the job. I miss my little ones like crazy but I feel like this has been a much needed change for me. 

It's only my second day and I'm still feeling odd. But I hope by June I will feel more like Ms. O'Brien and less like Teacher Julie. Both are great titles, but I feel too young to be considered a teacher. I'm not actually, but I feel like it :P.  When I went to pick up my schedule I got asked by a teacher if I was in Grade 12...I guess I just look young. I responded with "no, I'm actually working here as an aid". Poor guy. But there will come a time that I appreciate looking younger then I am. 

I also finished my level two course...it only took me what? Three and a half years? I can't believe how silly I was back then but the point is I have it now. It's part of the reason I got my new job. 

Chris is in his last year of high school...it's insane! How can both brothers be so old? By next summer I will have both brothers on a mission. It's hard to fathom actually. Grandma and grandpa are doing great as well :) they both miss you, but like everyone else they are moving forward as well. I know you are right here with all of us individually. And you always will be. 

My perspective has certainly changed and I like I made some progress this year. I'm mostly feel like as I take one step forward, I take two steps back but somehow I've ended up better then I would have thought. I have felt you on a number of occasions and I know you are front and center in my life. As your birthday approached I didn't feel sad. I know how happy you are and I know that this is the way things had to be. Funny how that works. 

I'm sorry we didn't get grass on your grave again...it seemed that summer just flew by and it's sad to say, but it felt like I lost track of time. It's already September! Before you know it it'll be Christmas again. Hopefully this Christmas doesn't hurt as much as last.

Speaking of Christmas, I'm hoping to do Ayla's Stocking Project again :) there will be more to come in a bit but I know you'll be excited that we will be giving again. It turned out so well last year :) let's just hope this year is even better! I'm sure that the hospital will appreciate it again. And the children of course. 

Well Ayla that's all I have for now...I think later on we are having cupcakes in your honnor, I'm sad that you are not here again but it'll be okay. I love you sweetheart and hope that you are doing well up in heaven. 

All my love, 

Mom

Especially For Youth 2014

There is so much to say about my week and I have been struggling to find the words. I learned far more from the kids then I could've ever learned on my own. I was truly humbled at the trials the kids face as well as their strength at facing them. Going in I was terrified, I deal with small children...not small adults and trying to figure out a way to open my soul so completely was difficult. I found that I have some walls up and allowing people in is hard for me, harder then I thought it would be. But I found that the kids and my co-councelor Tyler helped me to feel comfortable enough to open up.

As soon as I got the list of girls, and later met with Tyler to review the boys, I had so much love for them. I felt God's love for them and knew that he was intrusting me with his beautiful daughters and sons. I was truly humbled. Throughout the week I grew close to them and knew they have far greater potential then they can imagine and they are a mighty force. It wasn't until Thursday that I heard more deep stories and heard their personal trials. It is so heartbreaking to know what they face everyday but I know they are strong and they can do this. I keep saying this but they are truly amazing :).

I watched them grow in th gospel and grow closer to each other. There is nothing in the world that made me more proud. It was funny that every time Tyler or I called them friends they would yell back "FAMILY!" and they were right, we are a family and I love each of them like they are my brothers and sisters. They taught me so much and it was a privilege to be able to learn from them. I don't know if they will ever understand how much they did for me and the confidence they gave me to know that I can be a good teacher and maybe I can be a good mother to teenagers someday. I still have learning to do but I'm getting there.

This week I learned how to teach, and share my testimony while having fun. I went as a participant for five years. But being a councelor is a whole different experience, as a participant you get engulfed in the spirit and there really isn't much to have to do but show up and let the spirit teach you. But as a councelor I was the one preparing the lessons and I found that no matter how much I prepared I never really said everything I had planned to. I think it's much like a mission, you learn to rely on the spirit and only then will you say the things that you were suppose to, it was amazing to be able to experience that. Through the week I learned how to draw close to God and realized that he really does tell you what to say and when to say it to best teach a concept. It's amazing.

I had a lot of fun too. EFY is great for that, combining the spirit with fun. I don't know if I have laughed that much in a long time :P. There was everything from games to killing each other everywhere and anywhere, to a cupcake war...that was fun but ended in a few stains...oops. I had fun watching the young men and woman bond throughout the week. I really couldn't help but love them all. It's amazing to me that EFY can bring together such different personalities and people then by the end of the week everyone is so close. Our song for the week was Lean on Me and I found that perfectly fitting, we all at one time or another need someone to lean on and it was great that we learned to trust and lean on each other. I even leaned on their strength. It was great to be able to experience the Christ-like love that comes when you draw closer to others.

I love this program so much and I was so honored to be among the people there. I also need to mention my amazing co-councelor. He was laid back and picked up the slack when need be, he was exactly what the kids and I needed and I was so grateful for everything he did. My week would not have been the same without him :).

I had an amazing experience and was so glad to be there. I know that EFY is an inspired program and I loved every minute of it. Now that it's over I need to settle back into real life :P. But at least I have a few new friends to share it with!