Sharing My Story

I promised myself that I would write on my blog more often then the nine times I did last year...so far I'm not doing that great but I felt now is as good time as any to write about an experience I had recently.

This year I choose trust as the word I'm focusing on and with that in mind I've been seeing tiny growths within myself. We all know that my calling has helped me grow in ways I never thought possible ...which has been wonderful and something I'll go into more detail later on this year. But there's something else I want to share today. 

About three months ago my favorite blogger Ashlee put up a YouTube video asking for her followers help in a new project she was starting on her blog. She wanted to start sharing other people's stories of moments that they have chosen to stand and the story that brought them to that point. As time went on and I read story after story of women who endured so much I found myself weeping with them and more and more I found myself wanting to share my story. 

Anyone who is a follower of my blog knows all too well of the trials I've been through over the past four years. To be quite honest I was scared to share my story. My blog brings in about 500 views maximum on any one post and the thought of sharing my story with her 33,000 followers scared me. So I put it off. 

Until one night when I was feeling a burst of confidence and I decided to write Ashlee an email explaining my trials and the things that have made me into who I am. The words flowed and in the end I was quite proud of what I wrote; however my courage was gone and I hit the cancel button intending to delete those words. It didn't cancel. It sent. I may have had a minor freak out at this point but in the end I convinced myself that she wouldn't get back to me. That my words would stay forever in her inbox. 

And I thought it would. About a month later though I got an email from Ashlee thanking me for my words and asking my permission to share it on her blog! I was in shock but a part of me knew that it wasn't coincidence that things were moving forward the way they were. So I allowed her to post my very raw emotions for everyone to see. 

The comments started flowing in and I can't tell you how humbling it was to see that not only did people read my story, but that they actually connected with it. My intention has and always will be to share these things from my life in the hopes that someone, somewhere, will find comfort in it. Maybe even see that further down their own road, happiness can be found again. I want people to see that even when life is throwing you for a loop that one day those storms will settle and you'll begin to see why those painful things happened. 

This is where trust came in for me. In that moment when Ashlee emailed me I could've told her no. Part of me wanted to. But I had to trust that maybe there was a bigger picture to this. After it was published people started viewing my blog too (5000 in one day). Admittedly that was a bit shocking to me.  It was one story among many that have been featured on her blog but I am positive at least one of those 5000 readers were touched. At least I would like to think so.

It always could come in handy for Ayla's Stocking this year ;). I actually already have a sponsor so I'm excited for October to come so I can get the ball rolling. 

Back to the point though. I have no idea if this is the beginning or a one time opportunity for me. But I hope that as time goes on that I can trust that if I need to I will be able to share a portion of what has shaped me into the Julie I am today. And hopefully I will continue to grow and have more experiences to shape me into someone even better (let's just pray it is less intense). 

If you would like to view the blog post on The Moments We Stand it can be found here. 

Welcome Twenty Sixteen!

This year has just flown by! It seems only a short time ago 2014 was winding down and we were getting ready for 2015. Now 2015 is over and I'm left to reflect on everything I've done the last year and the goal of loving and serving that I set one year ago. I had no idea that God had bigger plans for serving then I thought possible. I always approach my goal word with much thought and I think I was inspired. 

This year I learned what it truly felt like to turn outward and serve those around me. For a few years I needed to take time for myself but last year I felt I needed to start serving others and sharing my experiences with them. 

When I was called as the relief society president my main goal was to make sure all the girls not only know I care, but I would show them. It took me a bit to get my groundings but as I have visited and learned about each girl I can't remember a time when I didn't feel how much God loves them. I am still working on it but I feel like I make significant progress this year. 

I have also learned that in order to serve others you have to love yourself. I not only have learned more about turning outward but looking inward to accept and embrace everything about myself. I'm pretty great and it's time I start recognizing my strengths rather then my flaws. In doing that, I am a much happier person. It's a work in progress but it's coming 

The new word for this year is trust...in thinking about what I needed to improve on this is what kept coming to my mind. 

The process of learning to trust again started in June shortly after I was called, the bishop asked me how many people I actually trust fully in the ward and I realized I didn't have very many. So this year I'm beginning to knock down my walls again and hopefully allow myself to be completely open. 

Trust can take on many forms but one I certainly need to learn is that it's okay to not be okay all the time. I'm the type of person who wants to reach out and help everyone else, rarely however do I allow others to help me. I think everyone does this to an extent but what I hope to do is allow myself to be open to the idea that there are sometimes I may need help. And that's okay. There's pretty good people around who are glad to assist in any way possible. I just need to trust them enough to share. 

Trusting that I am doing all I can is a big thing too. I've come so far in recent years and gained confidence I never knew I lacked but there are some things I still struggle with. I sometimes doubt that I'm doing enough and I have trouble accepting that I'm doing a good enough job in all aspects of my life. There's always room to improve right? But what I've decided is that I'll be happy with the effort I have put in. Even striving to do this for the past couple months has given me the ability to see I'm doing pretty darn good. 

Last, trusting that I am being led and guided into what I'm suppose to be doing. Whether you believe in a divine power or not I'm sure you've experienced a time where life seemed to just flow naturally and you end up somewhere you never expected to be. This year this may be the biggest goal. I need to allow life to flow. And trust that everything will make sense eventually...even if it's not instant understanding. 

I feel like this year will be an interesting one. I can't wait to see what it will bring. Here's to 2016!  

Christmas 2015 and Delivering Ayla's Stocking

This year's Christmas has been different. I knew it would be but regardless it caught me by surprise when Christmas Day came and went just as quickly as it arrived. I love Christmas time and I have always loved the feelings that came with it.

I have to say the highlight of my Christmas Day was getting to talk to Chris and Eric. They both have grown and learned so much; even in their emails I can tell they are changing. But being able to see them was such a great feeling. There wasn't nearly enough time to talk but the fact I could see their faces and hear them speak was wonderful. We even worked it out so they could talk and see each other. It's always so thrilling to see how far they have come! Next year Eric will be home and although it seems like an eternity since he left...it feels like it's been no time at all. As time goes on I'm sure it'll be the same for Chris :). 

I also recieved a wonderful gift from my parents; I asked for a picture of Christ portrayed as happy this year. I have no doubt that he experienced our pains. But I'd like to think he felt of our incredible joy as well! And I wanted a picture that reflected that. Lucky for me my mom and dad took it to heart and found the perfect picture. It's encompasses everything I feel about Jesus, one day when we return He will take us in His arms and tell us how much he loves us and how proud we made him. Yes, we may have some things to sort out but ultimately we will be able to rejoice over our happiest moments with him. And that is something to look forward to!   

A couple weeks before Christmas we delivered Ayla's stocking. In all my years I have never been so touched at people's kindness. I had people dropping toys and books on my door and running away before I could see who they were, we had handmade gifts, we had more toys then I can count, and in Calgary we recieved more then I thought we would.  Every single gift you brought tears to my eyes. And I hope that all those who sent something my way this year know that I can never thank you enough. 

I didn't have a sponsor this year but it was defiantly made up for! Near the end of my collecting I got a phone call from a lady named Shanon in Calgary...she got wind of my story from my friend Patrcia and wanted to help. She is in charge of a website called justserve.ca in the Calgary region; the USA have had this LDS funded site for a while but as of January 1st it will be officially launched in Canada. The website showcases serving opportunities, so if anyone is looking for an opportunity or looking for assistance with a project you are working on, you can email this lady and she posts it online for all to see. This lovely lady called me up and asked if she could post my flyer this year...and hopefully work with me next! Not many saw it since the site hasn't officially launched yet but she told me that of all the stories she read, Ayla's touched her the most. To me it has just become a reality and I don't think much of it. But as I've been chatting with people lately they tell me how touching it is to see me turning a horrific event into something beautiful. 

This year I was able to share it with my cousin Katie's son. My parents and I took more of a tour role as we walked him through what my life was like during that time. He was quiet but I could tell he was taking it all in. Being an outsider myself before having Ayla ill I never understood that for many people the hospital is their home. The hospital and hospice is a place where you can escape the world and just pretend that life outside those walls do not exist. Eventually you do have to accept it but it's nice to get away for a while to let life stand still. 

I was able to show Kail each room and the neat things found around the hospice and hospital. I was a little nervous about showing him the memory tree as it can be painful to think about each of those decorations representing a child who has become an angel. But he took his time and looked at each one. It's odd to say, but that hospital and hospice illuminate feelings of peace and stillness. I had many sacred experiences both while Ayla was sick, and every year we've gone back. Most of them can't be properly spoken. But I know that angels are constantly walking those halls. 

I think Kail's favourite part was the fish though. He had fun naming all the kinds and telling us about them. What's nice about the children's hospital is that despite the nature of it, the hospital does have vibrant colours and many fish tanks to admire. I hold a special place for it. 

I still haven't made my way down to the ICU. But I'm sure it'll come; I just don't think I'm quite ready to venture there yet. Every year after Christmas life becomes an advent calendar in my head and each day reminds me of where we were at that point. But, the pain does dull with time and it becomes more bearable. 

I still am waiting to hear how the toys were recieved on Christmas Eve and day but I have no doubt that just as years previous, both children and parents were able to have some joy. As we visited the nurse informed us that they have had many more families utilizing the hospice this year then ever before, so I know that every little bit counts! I am so grateful to all of you for allowing me the opportunity to feel the spirit of Christmas this year. 

Every year Christmas changes slightly but it's been wonderful this year. I look forward to seeing what next year brings! 

Ayla's Stocking; Healing Through Service

It's that time of year again! With it being November and Christmas fast approaching, it's also time to start up Ayla's Stocking. I had no idea when I started this two years ago that it would not only be still going strong...but that with every passing year it gets bigger.

For those who are new to the blog, Ayla's Stocking is a service project I started in 2013 as a way to cope with the loss of my beautiful daughter Ayla. Three years ago my life changed when Ayla became sick just after Christmas and later passed away. I was so lucky that I was able to have one Christmas with her and in the many hours of down time I had, I would walk the ICU...there were so many families in there that didn't have that luxury of spending Christmas at home with a healthy child. And my heart broke for them. 

The next season in contemplating how I would be able to still feel like I was a mother without being able to see the joy on Ayla's face Christmas morning I came up with an idea. One that has blossomed and became the highlight of my Christmas season. 

The idea was this; that over the course of November and December I would collect toys and small gifts then just before Christmas I would take them to the Rotary Flames House (the children's hospice) to be distributed among those who truly needed them.  

Last year with the amount of toys we collected the hospice was able to set up a 'Santa's Workshop'. Children and parents in the house had the opportunity to come to the teen room and "shop" for gifts for their families. I know that even something as small as a teddy bear can make Christmas a little more bearable when you are faced with unforeseen circumstances.  

This year will be a little bit different in that I don't have an official sponsor to head the project. But I think it will be just as wonderful as always. This year I have asked a couple people to head the project in Calgary. My cousin Katie and her husband Josh over the past few months have shared many experiences they have had with their oldest son and his bond to my daughter. Even though they only met her once their son still talks about her and refers to me as Ayla's mom. The joy that title brings me is indescribable and I am thrilled to share this experience with them. I also have a wonderful friend named Patricia that helped me last year down here so this year as she's up in Calgary she has agreed to help out again. I lived with Patricia for a year and a half and she became one of my best friends.

This year you can contact Katie, Paticia, or I for information on how to be part of Ayla's Stocking. Donations will be accepted from now until noon on December 11th. 

Here is a refresher on some of the things you can give;

- Infant rattles, rings, teether type toys

- Gift cards that can be given to families (Toys R Us, Walmart, Tim Horton's...)

- Pajamas of varying sizes

- Craft kits (with supplies all enclosed) or small boxes of pencil crayons, crayons, markers, etc.

- Musical toys (anything that plays sounds or music, push button toys...)

- Slippers (children and adults)

- One-size fits all stretchy gloves

- Toques and winter hats

- Books (mostly infant and teen books)
-Board games (for any age)
-Sensory games (for any age)
-Teen items (nail polish, journals, hair accessories, ect.)

These are just some ideas, if you have ones of your own then by all means go for it.

I would like to thank everyone for the love and kindness I have been shown over the past three years. I know it may seem small but each of you have not only helped me, but you are now helping families who may be feeling anything but happy this Christmas season. For that I can never thank you enough! 

Even if you don't donate to Ayla's Stocking I would encourage you to look around you and find someone to serve :) 

Serving truly does heal the soul. 

Ayla loved looking at all the lights on the tree!

It Pays To Be Open

For many years my blog has been an outlet for words that I sometimes don't feel I can adequately express in any other way. It started out as a small insight to my life--if you go back to 2009 you can see the silly things I thought were important. But as the years have gone on it became less of the insignificant things in my everyday life and more of a lifeline that I needed to have a voice. My cousin Charlotte wrote a few years ago about her blog voice and as time has gone on I've grown and developed my own unique blog voice.

I tried different things out and explored how to best represent me without giving out everything. In 2012 I took a break and tried to be cryptic in what little I did write but I didn't feel like I was being honest, I tried to write happy 'fluff' posts but again it never felt genuine. I don't think it was until after this post that I finally discovered my blog voice; my voice is not about trying to please the audience or writing about the small moments in my day to day life. It's about my raw emotions and the things that matter most to me.

Clearly my religion is important to me and what held me together through everything I experienced. I know not everyone believes the way I do, and that's perfectly fine. But for me it has become everything and part of who I am. And as long as I blog I will continue to write about how wonderful God has been to me. There was a point that I could've turned away from Him, and I probably would've felt justified in doing so because my life was crumbling to pieces and he wasn't stopping it. But in my mind I couldn't afford to. If I didn't believe he truly cared about me or that Ayla lived on, what would've been left for me? That belief held me together and brought some personal insights that I would not have reached otherwise. 

For a while I didn't talk about the hard things because they are...well...painful and not the picture you try to paint online. You want people to see how perfect your life is. You want people to believe you have it all; a perfect marriage, a beautiful baby girl on the way, and the perfect job--the picture perfect life. So to finally admit to the world that life is not unfolding the way you imagined it was was incredibly difficult. 

But, if it wasn't for that moment in 2012 I don't think I would be where I am. When I finally opened up and allowed people to see me for me, imperfections and all. I believe it helped to make me human and more relatable. But it also allowed you to sit back and watch my journey in rebuilding my life. And to be part of it. That is the purpose behind my writing I believe. I want to allow people who feel alone in their experiences and who feel that life will never get better to see that it can, and will, be wonderful again.

I know often when I write it's just another post about my life and often Ayla (let's be honest, she makes an appearance every time I write ;) )But what I really want is to provide hope in someone's life. If I can help just one person feel less alone then I've served my purpose. 

I can't tell you the number of times over the past month that I have been told that I have helped them in one way or another. I don't usually see or hear the effects of my testimony and my words on others. I often don't feel like I'm making a difference but those few moments let me know that I indeed have helped someone in some way. 

I do hope that as you read through my deepest (and sometimes outright ridiculous) thoughts you can begin to understand me as a person. The best way to figure out why people act a certain way is to understand what experiences they have had to bring them to the point they are at.

It pays off to be open about your biggest hurts. And you never know who might be needing it. 

Ayla's THIRD Birthday Letter

My Dearest Ayla,

Once again we have hit a birthday for you. Your third birthday! Time has gone by so fast baby girl and it's hard to believe that you would have been three today. You had quite the personality when you were here and I'm sure it would've grown into a vocal personality. You always did know how to tell me when you were not impressed :P 

Every year things seem to be going by faster then the year before and with every passing year I lose more and more physical memories. I remember the things you did, I remember that you brought us joy, but I can't necessarily remember what that felt like anymore. Some days I struggle knowing that I'm forgetting but in a way that's a blessing. If I remembered everything it would make things more difficult in everyday life. But once in a while I feel you close and those are the days that I remember. Thank you for giving me a shove every once in a while.

This summer I got to see your second cousin Asher again! With him being only two weeks older then you it was neat to have a physical representation of what sorts of things you would be doing right now. You probably know this already but he is so talkative and polite! He thanked me for doing things for him and always made sure to ask for things kindly. You would've been just as polite...right?! At least I'd like to think so. 

Asher chatted, played and allowed me to experience all that an almost three year old (at the time) has to offer. We played trains and as normal (almost) three year olds do he told me how to play; my train was to be called "Sou-ur Pick-ew" and his was called "Go-d Teese". Every time we passed each other on the track that his dad Josh made for him he would exclaim "oh hi sou-ur pick-ew!". Charlotte and Josh made sure I knew that if I got tired of playing to let them know and they would take over.

But the thing was Ayla...that no words can express how grateful I was to be able to feel a portion of what life could've been for me. Yes it would have been exhausting as motherhood often is, but I would loved to experience it with you.  Asher and you would've had such fun playing! Not to mention Millie, you would have loved to hold and play with her! She has such a sweet spirit so I know you all would've been (probably are) good friends. 

A few weeks ago we dropped Chris off at the Missionary Training Center and that was probably one of the hardest moments of my life. Your uncles were both there through everything that not only I experienced but everything you went through as well; they love you very much and when you left us we all banded together. When Eric left last year your grandma, grandpa, and I had Chris to keep things feeling fairly normal but when Chris left it was like we knew everything from that point on was going to change. I know you are with both your uncles more then we will ever know and until we are re-united in three years you will continue to watch over us all.

I have some news for you. This summer with the family's help we planted grass on your plot! Your spot is the most healthy and green in the whole cemetery. I'm pretty proud of it. I wish I could take all the credit but it was mostly grandpa and grandma who maintained it while it was growing. As we were driving over there to plant the grass we had a shovel hanging out of the trunk. Then we had to level your grave a bit so we were shoveling dirt into a bag then grandpa had to drag the bag of dirt across the cemetery to the road where he could dispose of the excess dirt. Imagine how it looked to a passerby! First driving into the cemetery with a shovel, then grandpa dragging a bag (with the shovel in hand mind you) to the road, and finally shoveling the dirt out of the bag...uncle Chris seemed to think that it looked bad. I thought it was funny.

This summer I did efy again! This time as a Building Counsellor. There were many things that your death allowed me to experience and learn from and I think efy was one of them. This year I didn't have kids of my own but through the counsellors that I was over I was able to interact with more kids then I thought I would. Being on the head team is hard and much more work then I realized last year but I loved it. One of my favorite moments would have to be Friday night as all the kids were singing the efy medley in unison; last year I had kids so I didn't get the chance to stand at the front and look into each participants face. But this year I did. I stood and was able to witness all the miracles happening around me, yes your mom reduces to a puddle of tears every year (that will probably never change) but I love feeling the strong spirits these youth have. They are so loved and I wish that they could see the potential they have. They have so much more opposition then I had in high school but they truly are meant for this time.

One of my responsibilities was to introduce the Young Woman activity on Thursday, the topic this year was The Family, A Proclamation to the World. I only had a few minutes at the beginning and at the end but what was really miraculous was the discussions that the counsellors were able to have. This document was given twenty years ago and who knew how important it would be now. The spirit was so strong and I enjoyed the opportunity I had to float from group to group and listen in. If you were here I would hope that I would raise you to be like those wonderful young women. Through the course of the week as I attended scripture studies and reflect and reviews I was able to see how strong they really are. I was in awe every time they would comment and often I was almost in tears by the end. You can be sure that efy would be something that I would make a priority for you to attend. It's truly inspired.

It also had many silly moments too. The site office was always filled with laughs and funny quotes. I'm sure that you were laughing along with us. I believe I even talked about when I was pregnant with you...when I get tired it comes up. More then I would care to admit.

Things YSA wise are not much different then last year. I am settling into my calling and finding more of a balance. I find that some of the things that I experienced with your death and some of the experiences prior to your birth help me to be able to love the sisters more. It doesn't always come across as much as I hope but I try to make sure every sister feels loved. I have also hit the point where I'm okay with where life is at for me. One day I will have everything that has been promised. It's just taking longer then I had hoped. But at the same time I would not be the person I am if things had turned out differently. 

This year I'm going to be doing Ayla's Stocking again. I'm not sure exactly how it's going to be carried out but I have some ideas. I should know more details in the next month or so. Crazy how it's only September and I'm already planning for Christmas! I truly do love to organize this project. 

I know it's named after you but it really is for the children. It was you that brought the more difficult side of the Christmas season to my attention, and for that I will never be able to thank you enough; through my experience with you I learned first hand how hard Christmas can be. Through it I am able to give back to those who need it. I just hope it goes just as well as last year...if not better! 

I am doing so much better then I could've imagined and I know that even though you may not be here, you continue to live on. I miss you Ayla. I am so glad that this separation is only temporary. 

Love Always,

Mom

I am so grateful to my friend Megan Olsen who let me freeze precious moments like this.

 

 

Reflections and Happenings

Have you ever gone back and re-read all your old posts or journals? Well I am in the process of putting together blog books. I have never been great at journaling so my blog is a way for not only me, but my future children to look back and see that I was not always the smart know-it-all mother they will come to know and love...because clearly by then I'll know everything by then right? (right)

Well in the process of doing that I have remembered the good times...and the not so great times. How grateful I am that I have matured and grown up in the past four years. Four years ago I had no idea what was in store for me or the changes I would be enduring. All I wanted was to be done with school and to grow up. Two thousand eleven was a game changer for me. Looking back my testimony was strong but I had no idea how much I would need it.

What has been standing out to me is that even back then I had an undeniable love for the temple. I cried in April 2011 conference because I wanted so badly to attend and learn for myself the great blessings that you gain inside. If nothing else that testimony alone got me through the most difficult time I ever endured. Re-reading those words helped me to refocus on what really is important and sometimes we lose sight of those simple things. I am glad however that that zeal and excitement never left, I still love it just as much as I did then. And now Chris is preparing to go through next week!

 Looking back is such a funny thing. Of course you shake your head at the ridiculousness of it all, and how minuscule those things you worried about really were. But you can see how far your faith has come. I was so innocent! In some respects I wish I could still be that way. But really it's because of the experiences that opened my eyes that I am the person I am today. I wouldn't trade the knowledge I've gained for anything.

I am love who I have become. And the things that brought me to this point. Sure I had to grow up fast but it all contributed to the lovely person I am today. And helped me gain insights that I may not have learned as quickly had things not happened the way they did. Who knows where I would be otherwise.

About a month and a half ago I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders and for the first time in years I felt completely happy with where I was in life. Little by little this has been happening but that particular week I just felt so happy. Little did I know that the bishop had something up his sleeve...that very next week I was called to be the Relief Society President in my YSA ward. I partly knew it was coming but it was still a shock.

I am still adapting and learning but I feel like the very things I have mentioned in this post have helped to prepare me to do this. I love the sisters so much. And wish they knew exactly how much God loves them. I may not be the best in conveying this but I hope that I can little by little show them that they have a potential far greater then they know. My counselors and secretary are fantastic and have helped me feel comfortable in this new position, sometimes I feel as if they are carrying me along. But I've always thought of Relief Society as a team, even President Monson needs the support of his counselors. The church is great in that way, we will always have someone to rely on.

As for family life Eric is doing wonderful! It is hard to believe that he's almost half way done his mission. This year just flew by. Soon Chris will be leaving on his mission and I will be the only child left here. I am so proud of both boys and the men they are becoming. Before Eric left he gave me a blessing and it was such an amazing experience. Even in his letters, hearing him talk about the temple and the people he is helping has made me see that he is not the little boy he once was.

Chris was able to assist in setting me apart a few weeks ago and again I realized how he too has grown up. His vocabulary is also much higher then mine so I can only imagine what he'll be like once he finishes his schooling. I am still having a hard time coming to the realization that he will be leaving in two months as well. For one full year both brothers will be on a mission. Crazy how time flies and before we know it all of us siblings will be reunited again :) and what a happy reunion that will be.

Life keeps moving forward and quite honestly I am content with where it's taking me.