It Pays To Be Open

For many years my blog has been an outlet for words that I sometimes don't feel I can adequately express in any other way. It started out as a small insight to my life--if you go back to 2009 you can see the silly things I thought were important. But as the years have gone on it became less of the insignificant things in my everyday life and more of a lifeline that I needed to have a voice. My cousin Charlotte wrote a few years ago about her blog voice and as time has gone on I've grown and developed my own unique blog voice.

I tried different things out and explored how to best represent me without giving out everything. In 2012 I took a break and tried to be cryptic in what little I did write but I didn't feel like I was being honest, I tried to write happy 'fluff' posts but again it never felt genuine. I don't think it was until after this post that I finally discovered my blog voice; my voice is not about trying to please the audience or writing about the small moments in my day to day life. It's about my raw emotions and the things that matter most to me.

Clearly my religion is important to me and what held me together through everything I experienced. I know not everyone believes the way I do, and that's perfectly fine. But for me it has become everything and part of who I am. And as long as I blog I will continue to write about how wonderful God has been to me. There was a point that I could've turned away from Him, and I probably would've felt justified in doing so because my life was crumbling to pieces and he wasn't stopping it. But in my mind I couldn't afford to. If I didn't believe he truly cared about me or that Ayla lived on, what would've been left for me? That belief held me together and brought some personal insights that I would not have reached otherwise. 

For a while I didn't talk about the hard things because they are...well...painful and not the picture you try to paint online. You want people to see how perfect your life is. You want people to believe you have it all; a perfect marriage, a beautiful baby girl on the way, and the perfect job--the picture perfect life. So to finally admit to the world that life is not unfolding the way you imagined it was was incredibly difficult. 

But, if it wasn't for that moment in 2012 I don't think I would be where I am. When I finally opened up and allowed people to see me for me, imperfections and all. I believe it helped to make me human and more relatable. But it also allowed you to sit back and watch my journey in rebuilding my life. And to be part of it. That is the purpose behind my writing I believe. I want to allow people who feel alone in their experiences and who feel that life will never get better to see that it can, and will, be wonderful again.

I know often when I write it's just another post about my life and often Ayla (let's be honest, she makes an appearance every time I write ;) )But what I really want is to provide hope in someone's life. If I can help just one person feel less alone then I've served my purpose. 

I can't tell you the number of times over the past month that I have been told that I have helped them in one way or another. I don't usually see or hear the effects of my testimony and my words on others. I often don't feel like I'm making a difference but those few moments let me know that I indeed have helped someone in some way. 

I do hope that as you read through my deepest (and sometimes outright ridiculous) thoughts you can begin to understand me as a person. The best way to figure out why people act a certain way is to understand what experiences they have had to bring them to the point they are at.

It pays off to be open about your biggest hurts. And you never know who might be needing it. 

Ayla's THIRD Birthday Letter

My Dearest Ayla,

Once again we have hit a birthday for you. Your third birthday! Time has gone by so fast baby girl and it's hard to believe that you would have been three today. You had quite the personality when you were here and I'm sure it would've grown into a vocal personality. You always did know how to tell me when you were not impressed :P 

Every year things seem to be going by faster then the year before and with every passing year I lose more and more physical memories. I remember the things you did, I remember that you brought us joy, but I can't necessarily remember what that felt like anymore. Some days I struggle knowing that I'm forgetting but in a way that's a blessing. If I remembered everything it would make things more difficult in everyday life. But once in a while I feel you close and those are the days that I remember. Thank you for giving me a shove every once in a while.

This summer I got to see your second cousin Asher again! With him being only two weeks older then you it was neat to have a physical representation of what sorts of things you would be doing right now. You probably know this already but he is so talkative and polite! He thanked me for doing things for him and always made sure to ask for things kindly. You would've been just as polite...right?! At least I'd like to think so. 

Asher chatted, played and allowed me to experience all that an almost three year old (at the time) has to offer. We played trains and as normal (almost) three year olds do he told me how to play; my train was to be called "Sou-ur Pick-ew" and his was called "Go-d Teese". Every time we passed each other on the track that his dad Josh made for him he would exclaim "oh hi sou-ur pick-ew!". Charlotte and Josh made sure I knew that if I got tired of playing to let them know and they would take over.

But the thing was Ayla...that no words can express how grateful I was to be able to feel a portion of what life could've been for me. Yes it would have been exhausting as motherhood often is, but I would loved to experience it with you.  Asher and you would've had such fun playing! Not to mention Millie, you would have loved to hold and play with her! She has such a sweet spirit so I know you all would've been (probably are) good friends. 

A few weeks ago we dropped Chris off at the Missionary Training Center and that was probably one of the hardest moments of my life. Your uncles were both there through everything that not only I experienced but everything you went through as well; they love you very much and when you left us we all banded together. When Eric left last year your grandma, grandpa, and I had Chris to keep things feeling fairly normal but when Chris left it was like we knew everything from that point on was going to change. I know you are with both your uncles more then we will ever know and until we are re-united in three years you will continue to watch over us all.

I have some news for you. This summer with the family's help we planted grass on your plot! Your spot is the most healthy and green in the whole cemetery. I'm pretty proud of it. I wish I could take all the credit but it was mostly grandpa and grandma who maintained it while it was growing. As we were driving over there to plant the grass we had a shovel hanging out of the trunk. Then we had to level your grave a bit so we were shoveling dirt into a bag then grandpa had to drag the bag of dirt across the cemetery to the road where he could dispose of the excess dirt. Imagine how it looked to a passerby! First driving into the cemetery with a shovel, then grandpa dragging a bag (with the shovel in hand mind you) to the road, and finally shoveling the dirt out of the bag...uncle Chris seemed to think that it looked bad. I thought it was funny.

This summer I did efy again! This time as a Building Counsellor. There were many things that your death allowed me to experience and learn from and I think efy was one of them. This year I didn't have kids of my own but through the counsellors that I was over I was able to interact with more kids then I thought I would. Being on the head team is hard and much more work then I realized last year but I loved it. One of my favorite moments would have to be Friday night as all the kids were singing the efy medley in unison; last year I had kids so I didn't get the chance to stand at the front and look into each participants face. But this year I did. I stood and was able to witness all the miracles happening around me, yes your mom reduces to a puddle of tears every year (that will probably never change) but I love feeling the strong spirits these youth have. They are so loved and I wish that they could see the potential they have. They have so much more opposition then I had in high school but they truly are meant for this time.

One of my responsibilities was to introduce the Young Woman activity on Thursday, the topic this year was The Family, A Proclamation to the World. I only had a few minutes at the beginning and at the end but what was really miraculous was the discussions that the counsellors were able to have. This document was given twenty years ago and who knew how important it would be now. The spirit was so strong and I enjoyed the opportunity I had to float from group to group and listen in. If you were here I would hope that I would raise you to be like those wonderful young women. Through the course of the week as I attended scripture studies and reflect and reviews I was able to see how strong they really are. I was in awe every time they would comment and often I was almost in tears by the end. You can be sure that efy would be something that I would make a priority for you to attend. It's truly inspired.

It also had many silly moments too. The site office was always filled with laughs and funny quotes. I'm sure that you were laughing along with us. I believe I even talked about when I was pregnant with you...when I get tired it comes up. More then I would care to admit.

Things YSA wise are not much different then last year. I am settling into my calling and finding more of a balance. I find that some of the things that I experienced with your death and some of the experiences prior to your birth help me to be able to love the sisters more. It doesn't always come across as much as I hope but I try to make sure every sister feels loved. I have also hit the point where I'm okay with where life is at for me. One day I will have everything that has been promised. It's just taking longer then I had hoped. But at the same time I would not be the person I am if things had turned out differently. 

This year I'm going to be doing Ayla's Stocking again. I'm not sure exactly how it's going to be carried out but I have some ideas. I should know more details in the next month or so. Crazy how it's only September and I'm already planning for Christmas! I truly do love to organize this project. 

I know it's named after you but it really is for the children. It was you that brought the more difficult side of the Christmas season to my attention, and for that I will never be able to thank you enough; through my experience with you I learned first hand how hard Christmas can be. Through it I am able to give back to those who need it. I just hope it goes just as well as last year...if not better! 

I am doing so much better then I could've imagined and I know that even though you may not be here, you continue to live on. I miss you Ayla. I am so glad that this separation is only temporary. 

Love Always,

Mom

I am so grateful to my friend Megan Olsen who let me freeze precious moments like this.

 

 

Reflections and Happenings

Have you ever gone back and re-read all your old posts or journals? Well I am in the process of putting together blog books. I have never been great at journaling so my blog is a way for not only me, but my future children to look back and see that I was not always the smart know-it-all mother they will come to know and love...because clearly by then I'll know everything by then right? (right)

Well in the process of doing that I have remembered the good times...and the not so great times. How grateful I am that I have matured and grown up in the past four years. Four years ago I had no idea what was in store for me or the changes I would be enduring. All I wanted was to be done with school and to grow up. Two thousand eleven was a game changer for me. Looking back my testimony was strong but I had no idea how much I would need it.

What has been standing out to me is that even back then I had an undeniable love for the temple. I cried in April 2011 conference because I wanted so badly to attend and learn for myself the great blessings that you gain inside. If nothing else that testimony alone got me through the most difficult time I ever endured. Re-reading those words helped me to refocus on what really is important and sometimes we lose sight of those simple things. I am glad however that that zeal and excitement never left, I still love it just as much as I did then. And now Chris is preparing to go through next week!

 Looking back is such a funny thing. Of course you shake your head at the ridiculousness of it all, and how minuscule those things you worried about really were. But you can see how far your faith has come. I was so innocent! In some respects I wish I could still be that way. But really it's because of the experiences that opened my eyes that I am the person I am today. I wouldn't trade the knowledge I've gained for anything.

I am love who I have become. And the things that brought me to this point. Sure I had to grow up fast but it all contributed to the lovely person I am today. And helped me gain insights that I may not have learned as quickly had things not happened the way they did. Who knows where I would be otherwise.

About a month and a half ago I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders and for the first time in years I felt completely happy with where I was in life. Little by little this has been happening but that particular week I just felt so happy. Little did I know that the bishop had something up his sleeve...that very next week I was called to be the Relief Society President in my YSA ward. I partly knew it was coming but it was still a shock.

I am still adapting and learning but I feel like the very things I have mentioned in this post have helped to prepare me to do this. I love the sisters so much. And wish they knew exactly how much God loves them. I may not be the best in conveying this but I hope that I can little by little show them that they have a potential far greater then they know. My counselors and secretary are fantastic and have helped me feel comfortable in this new position, sometimes I feel as if they are carrying me along. But I've always thought of Relief Society as a team, even President Monson needs the support of his counselors. The church is great in that way, we will always have someone to rely on.

As for family life Eric is doing wonderful! It is hard to believe that he's almost half way done his mission. This year just flew by. Soon Chris will be leaving on his mission and I will be the only child left here. I am so proud of both boys and the men they are becoming. Before Eric left he gave me a blessing and it was such an amazing experience. Even in his letters, hearing him talk about the temple and the people he is helping has made me see that he is not the little boy he once was.

Chris was able to assist in setting me apart a few weeks ago and again I realized how he too has grown up. His vocabulary is also much higher then mine so I can only imagine what he'll be like once he finishes his schooling. I am still having a hard time coming to the realization that he will be leaving in two months as well. For one full year both brothers will be on a mission. Crazy how time flies and before we know it all of us siblings will be reunited again :) and what a happy reunion that will be.

Life keeps moving forward and quite honestly I am content with where it's taking me.

I'm Standing

I realized today that it has been almost three months since I wrote a blog post and I assure you I have not fallen off the face of the earth. Time seems to get away from me at times and before I know it I have so much to say that it all piles up. I have draft after draft of posts that will probably remain drafts for a while longer, but I feel like an update is probably necessary.

Life has been fantastic. It truly has. Last week I had the opportunity to drive to Salt Lake for conference and experience it live. There were so many great messages given and I know that beyond a shadow of a doubt that these men are ordained of God. There was one talk that spoke about The Prodigal Son story found in The Bible. Elder Nielson spoke about his sister and the years his family spent waiting for her to return. Sometimes in life we may feel like giving up hope on people, and more times then not they don't want our help nor our sympathy, but I got the impression that no matter how long it takes, we can never give up hope on others. And when they do choose to return home, we need to accept them with open arms. I have seen this in my life and I know that God is great and if he who bore all our pains can forgive us completely, then I can forgive too. There were far more wonderful talks but it would take too long to try to cover them all. You can read more of them here.

Chris received his mission call this week! What was interesting was that I wasn't even suppose to be home but a couple weeks ago Patricia text me saying that she wanted to change our travel plans a touch since she no longer had the week following conference off. That was fine by me and I felt like it was a smart choice for both of us. Then on my way home I got a text from Chris saying that he had received his mission call early and when I got back to Canada he wanted me to come over so I could watch him open it. It was perfect timing and nothing short of God's hand in my opinion. When it's suppose to happen things fall into place :). I will be so blessed to have both brothers out by the end of the summer! I have already seen Eric's growth and I know that although I miss him, he is where he is suppose to be. I can't wait to see the same growth in Chris.

This week we also welcomed in a new Stake President. The love I feel for my previous Stake President is overwhelming. He was with me through the most difficult time of my life. He knew everything about what was going on behind closed doors and I never felt once that he was listening because he had to, I knew that he truly cared for me and wanted nothing more then to let me know that he cared for all of us involved. He became a big part of my life and seeing him move on to a different calling was hard for me. As he was leaving on Sunday he stopped by my family to talk to us and with tears in all our eyes we told him how important he is to us and he told us how important we are to him too. I know he will forever be a big part of my life and I know that he will do great things for many more.

My main concern when I heard his name announced to become an Area Seventy in General Conference was that the next Stake President wouldn't know me or anything from my past. And quite honestly I didn't feel like explaining it again. But here's the interesting thing...when they announced the name of the new one I knew that God had heard and answered my concerns. The new Stake President is very much aware of me and was there with the previous Stake President to give Ayla the last blessing she had on this earth. He saw her two days before she died and he knows me. I know that every one probably feels that God answered them individually but I knew in that instant that it was for me. It is such a great feeling to know that even though we may not always feel it, God hears us.

Now on a totally different note I want to write briefly about a lady who's blog I have followed for quite some time now. From the moment I found her blog I have read every update and found myself becoming more and more invested in her story. I have been meaning to write about her for quite some time but haven't got around to it. And every time I try, I find myself overwhelmed at the love and compassion this great woman shows.

Her name is Ashlee and she is incredible. One night four years ago she got a knock on the door that changed her life forever. In those few minutes she found that her inclining's were true, her husband was indeed bring unfaithful. Not only that but he had been murdered. Her blog takes us as readers through pain, forgiveness, and hope.

To describe in words the sympathy I feel is impossible. She has endured more than anyone I know, the grace and love she has shown is miraculous. I may have experienced pain and loss but reading her words make me realize that I was lucky in so many ways. 

I don't know her personally but I feel like because she has opened herself up to the Internet world she had allowed us to experience all aspects of her healing process. It is has been such a wonderful gift for me to read her words and through her thoughts and feelings sort through my own. 

The past couple years have been filled with ups and downs and for the most part I have worked through them. But there are days where the specifics are brought forward in my mind and I remember the days so long ago that I had felt completely alone. It is often on the days that I feel the most down that Ashlee comes out with a new blog post. She truly has a way with words and it's exactly what I need to read. It's not just her words, it's usually a combination of things but her posts tend to get me into the right mindset to listen to what God is trying to tell me.

Over the past several months I have been shedding layers and walls so that one day I can let others in fully. I have felt a pull to sever all ties and I am finally feeling hope for the future. It's a great feeling :) more often then not, I am finding myself content with where my life is heading and I am genuinely happy.  

The future seems so much brighter lately. 
 
Ashlee is holding a conference in a couple months and she entitled it; A Reason to Stand. Since I am unable to attend the conference I have still been contemplating what exactly I stand for. In thinking through this I have come up with this simple list and feel now is a good time to share it:

I stand...
-for love and forgiveness 
-for my future 
-so my daughter and I will be reunited again 
-so others can feel comfortable enough to crumble knowing that I want to help lift them
-for my eternal family 
-because I know that life will always get better 
-firm in my values, not because I have to, but because I want to
-because I know what it's like to feel alone and I don't ever want someone to feel that way

-so Satan will wake up every day fearing what good I may do.

 

And finally...I stand because I know that I am not standing alone. 

Ayla's Stocking 2014 Update

I received the most wonderful email! You know about Ayla's Stocking and the success it brought about this year, obviously, but today Shannon who is one of the head people at the hospice sent me this lovely email;

Hi Julie, 

I can definitely share some tidbits with you! I was not here for the actual Christmas Day but I was a part of much of the wrapping and choosing gifts process, and I got some info from the nurses who were here that day. We had 4 children admitted here that day, 2 with family staying and 2 without family staying. We closed down the teen room and made it into a “Santa’s Workshop” and had all the donation in there, kind of like a toy store. For the families who were in house, we asked parents if they wanted to come shop for gifts in the donation room (which they did! And were thrilled to be able to). We even had one patient who came with his parents into the workshop room to choose gifts for his brothers and sisters. It was very sweet of him, and there was no way he would have been able to go to the mall or a store to shop for them so definitely a great help for the family.

On Christmas eve, a volunteer and I spent some time wrapping gifts for patients, siblings, and parents who would be waking up in the house on Christmas day. For one family in particular, who had made their own Christmas tree in the their room and decorated everything, we wrapped up some of the gift cards and hung them on the tree in the room (the nurses snuck in to do this while everyone was sleeping) and they were very surprised by this in the morning! Lots of thanks and smiles from them!

All in all it was very successful and we still have stuff left over that we can continue to give away and use over the next few months. Thank you so much for your support and the families all shared their gratitude and thanks as well!

Take care,

Shannon Murch, CCLS

Child Life Specialist

Rotary Flames House

This brought me to tears. I have said this so many times but I am so grateful to all who have helped in one way or another. I know that Ayla could not be saved but knowing that she will always be remembered like this is wonderful. I could not have done this without any of you and I hope you realize how much of an impact you have on not only my life but countless others. 
 

Reading these stories help me to recognize that behind all the gifts are real people. The boy who was able to 'shop' for gifts that he otherwise would not have the opportunity to do in his current state is remarkable. I can't help but wonder if this would be his last Christmas with his family. And being able to provide him with even a bit of holiday spirit makes my heart melt. 

Again I am humbled at the kindness of others! I truly do have the best people surrounding me :) life couldn't be better. 

Angel Day and Ayla's Stocking Update

I feel like I have so much to share in the blog world today and the words I want to say are not coming as easily as I would like. But since I have neglected the post on Ayla's Stocking I will be combining that with my semi-annual letter to Ayla. Hopefully it will be worth the read.

Dear Ayla,
I am so filled with love today and it's hard to believe I am once again facing your angel day. Last year was hard. Harder then I could have imagined. But somehow I made it through it :) And this year has been so much better. I pushed through these past couple weeks with very little tears comparatively speaking. I had no break downs and ringing in the new year held no overwhelming feelings. I still miss you. Always will, but this year has felt different. I feel like God has blessed me with the opportunity to grow and learn and even though I can't hold you that's okay :) I love you so much and I would never take back the pain I endured. Both in losing you and the months leading up to your death.

This Christmas season was wonderful. I love that we are given the opportunity to celebrate our Savior's birth and how that brought about so many wonderful things. Through him and his sacrifice we have been given the opportunity to be together again. I love that in the temple and sometimes at home I feel you close, I don't always recognize it but I know you are there. Even little things like Emily sending me a text with miss Millie melts my heart and I know that you two know each other.

I delivered Ayla's Stocking for the second time and this year was even more wonderful then last! I sent out flyers in my hometown and the response and love I received was remarkable. People brought me to tears on a number of occasions. There was one special girl who's daughter probably awaited you in heaven. She left this life only a couple of weeks before you did and I remember feeling so terrible that her mom was enduring a similar situation. It breaks my heart. Please watch over her and her angel baby.

So in addition to sending out flyers and receiving so many wonderful and thoughtful gifts Aunt Janice got her workplace to help. The response was overwhelming. I walked into the house and saw the amount of toys there and it brought tears to my eyes. There are so many good people in the world! Even amongst all the terrible things that are going on around us people find a way of surprising me. I know that you would love to see the children's faces as they received gifts in your name. I know that this will become a yearly tradition that I hope my future children can come to appreciate how serving others is by far the greatest gift we could give. I am so bad at writing cards but I hope to have thank you cards delivered to all who participated in the next couple months.

After delivering the toys we went up to the second floor of the hospital and looked at the memory tree. There are so many families who lost children :( I know that they too will see them again. I wish I could convey that message of hope to all, but this blog is as good as it gets for now. As I watched families walk by it still felt surreal, I can't believe that I lived that life for three weeks. And the fact I'm doing as well as I am is amazing to me. I could not have done it without the knowledge I have that's for sure.

Which brings me to my next point. The past couple months I have been struggling with forgiveness. I don't know why but for a while there I felt like I was starting over in that respect. But I have learned quite a bit from my studying. I learned that forgiving others is that it is not a one-time thing. You have to learn to forgive every. Single. Day. Just when I think I have forgiven someone old feelings come creeping up. For every couple of steps forward I feel like I take one back, this has been an ongoing challenge and honestly I think it probably will be for quite some time. No matter how many times you try to think of how much better life would have been if certain choices hadn't been made, it doesn't change the outcome. Dwelling on what could have been doesn't change a thing. And even more so being bitter about it doesn't help in the slightest. There are people in my past who probably have no idea how much they hurt me. And for a long time I hoped that one day they would come to understand how I felt at that particular time.

You were the only one there every moment of that, it was painful for me knowing that I couldn't hide the pain I was feeling from you. I so wish I could have shielded you from it...but honestly Ayla I think you were sent to me so that I would have something to look forward to. I needed you far more then you needed me. You knew what you were in for and you still came :) Thank you Ayla.

I also gained a greater understanding of the atonement. the past couple months. I was writing a talk on love and forgivingness Christ always comes to our aid and offers his sympathies knowing exactly how we feel. But the beauty is that he knows the other person too, so although he is sad for us and in no way diminishes our feelings, he also understands the logic behind others actions. He is the only person who can fully understand both sides of the story and in the end he will be the one to judge us. Fairly. It is so wonderful to know that someone will forgive us no matter what :) Even me. I have to work a little harder to get to the Celestial Kingdom then you did but that's okay, I'm on my way.

You would be proud to know that I am finally making new friends. For a long time I feared that my story would scare people off, or they wouldn't know what to say. It's true for some but I wouldn't change my story for anything. There are people who are afraid to approach the topic of you but as I've learned to be open about it I have found that people take it a lot better. As time goes on I have learned to embrace it. I also have stopped throwing you up as a wall. Sorry for that...I used to use it to keep people out and weed out the ones who couldn't handle it. But as I have found the balance I need to no longer feel the need to put up walls, but at the same time be cautious about who I let in, I have been so much more confident in myself.

I thank God everyday that he sent you to me. I learn more every year and I can't wait for the day to snuggle you in my arms.

Love you to heaven and back,

<3 Mom

 

Welcome 2015!

Where has this year gone? It feels like just yesterday that I was writing a post reflecting on 2013 and now 2014 is over! As with last year I have been reflecting and reminiscing about all that I accomplished in this past year.

My word for this past year has been live and looking back I notice that I have far surpassed my expectations. As I said last year I had been living in survival mode that I was numb to the world, I was still crying quite often and wishing that life had turned out much differently then it did. Once you go into survival mode it's very hard to come out of it. However, slowly (it didn't seem like progress at the time) I began to laugh more often, I started putting myself out there more, and I stopped trying to fit into the YSA mold I felt I needed to be. 

I learned more about myself and who I could be more in the past year then I thought possible. Looking back I think I've made more progress then I had in a long time. I have become close to heaven and for the first time I have been okay with no definite plan. 

The more I gave up control the more my life just seems to work out on its own. If a year ago you were to tell me that I would go on vacation with Megan, be a councelor at efy, change jobs, watch Eric leave on his mission, and start a process that I hadn't planned on starting for quite some time, I would say you were crazy. But everything has felt right and fallen into place so perfectly that I don't think it's all my doing. 

There have been moments this year when I felt low. I realize that this happens to everyone but I don't like the feeling, it's like I feel the need to always be in control of my emotions. I think it started a long time before Ayla got sick but I started putting up an emotion wall, I go into this place where I allow myself to stop feeling. It doesn't always work, as evidence of my last few months before I separated, but sometimes my emotions get the best of me and spill out.  

In those times I found that God has always blessed me. Often it's through friends, family, scriptures, songs, and recently a lovely woman named Ashlee--her story is incredible! One day I will find the right words to express my feelings about her, but today is not that day. If I've learned one thing it's that I am always being watched over. 

I feel like this year has been a transition year. Like I mentioned previously I didn't feel like I was making progress but looking back I see how far I've come. Now that I've transitioned into someone more confident and sure of myself I feel like it's time to go outward.

So in thinking this through I have decided that my word for this coming year is love. Now this is a pretty broad topic and I hope you'll bare with me while I explain. 

I want to love where my life is right now. I've hit this point to a certain extent but I want to continue to not only be content with my here and now...but love where I am. And where life will take me. I really have no definite plans and I'm actually okay with that :). I want to feel like no matter what does or doesn't happen I can accept it. After the divorce I wanted life to move quickly along so that I could gain what I thought I had lost back. When it didn't happen I felt frustrated. However, the more I've relaxed and let my control over every aspect of my life go, the more I've realized that it's so much better this way. And I've grown because of it. 

I also want to love who I am. Again I have been working on this but this year I plan to take more steps to become more confident in myself and my story. I really do love who I am becoming but I feel like I still need to heal a bit more and let go of the extra baggage I carry. It's slowly coming off but I want it mostly gone so I can move forward more then I already have. I don't want to be defined by my story. It bugs me when I'm introduced as "this is my friend Julie, she's divorced" I know that on here I'm pretty open about my life but I feel like through this blog people can begin to gain insight into who I am as a person. I don't want people meeting me for the first time to know nothing more than I'm divorced. I am so much more then that and it's time that I define who I am, not my story.

Last I want to show love to everyone around me. I want to be that genuinly happy person who can lift the spirits of those around me. Service would actually go hand in hand with this one. I don't want to focus on my trials anymore, they made me who I am but it's time I use them to help other people who are struggling. I get really nervous when people reach out for reassuring words but I want to find it in myself to know what I can do, and show them the love they derseve. This year I plan to study more on how to love and serve as Christ did. I have more to give then even I give myself credit for and it's time I embrace what I've learned and spread it outward. I just need to figure out exactly how to do that.

I feel like this year will be a big one...you know when you can just feel that things are going to change? This is how I feel about 2015. It's going to be exciting to see how it pans out.

So farewell 2014, it's been grand and you've let me relax and heal. But hello to 2015, I can't wait to see what you have in store :)