Happy 5th Birthday!

Dearest Miss Ayla,
Five years? How could five years go by this fast?! Here I am 26 years old and feel like it was only a short time ago I was 21 and a new mother. I had no idea what I was doing but all I knew was that there was no one in the world that I loved more than you. There's not a day that goes by that I don't miss you and wish you were navigating this new part of my life with me. I was promised in the hospital that you would be with me every step of the way but I so wish it wasn't from the other side of the veil. 

I see all the kids your age and I try to not get too far into the "what if's" but sometimes I can just imagine you and your stubborn personality--where you got that from I'm not sure, because I'm not stubborn in the least right? I know that we would butt heads and I know that there would be days where you would refuse to wear the perfectly matched outfit I picked out for you and opt for the pink tutu and crocs instead. You would play shy but around me and people close to you it would be a totally different child. Despite all that I would still love you fiercely. And I would do my best to parent you. Even if you didn't like it. That's what parents are for right?

Last year I talked about how it was harder than most and how I felt like I was learning a lot about myself as an individual. I feel like I was being prepared for what would come this year. Funny how that works.

This year has flown by faster than most and part of that reason is because shortly before your death day I met someone. He is so good to me Ayla. And he understands those days when my tears flow and I miss you. I know you are here and I know for sure you had a hand in this. He is everything I could have hoped for and I am so glad I stuck it out waiting. He teases me (thought you would get a kick out of that), he's smart, kind, handy, and most importantly he treats me well. I love him and his kids more than I could've dreamed. 

That hole in my heart that has been aching for years hasn't felt as overpowering as it once was. I still miss you, don't get me wrong, but being able to hang out with Chris and the kids has helped me in so many ways. I sit in church and tear up because I still can't believe I'm as lucky as I am. I didn't think I would feel that way again because everytime I do something happens and I get a swift kick in the pants. So far though, it's been so great. I have met so many new people this year and shared moments with them where I realized that my life isn't all that different than others. We all have trials but being able to talk freely about you and have people understand the ache and loss of losing a child has helped me immensely. I have so many wonderful people I have met this year. They have embraced me with open arms. I would never adequately be able to put in words how welcome I feel. 

One of the most tender moments was when I was talking to Chris' youngest. She asked me if you were still around, if I would bring you to visit too. I assured her I would and she seemed so excited about that prospect. She and her older sister like to look at videos of you. And LOVE to talk about what you were like. They understand pain too my dear and so those moments make it all the more tender. You would love to bug them and I'm not sure if they would like you being around quite as much as they would like to think but I think you would all three get along quite well. 

This year I was released from my calling and it was time. For the first while I didn't know what to do with myself but I have settled into a new normal. I finally feel like I have finished the work I needed to finish in the YSA scene. Having the experience of having you did set me apart from the rest of the people but I learned so much from the sisters I served. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone but it helped me relate a little to things other YSA are going through. At this point I am at cross roads as to where I would best fit--family or YSA. I haven't made up my mind entirely but I feel like both choices are good ones. We'll see in the next couple months where I end up. 

I still have a hard time envisioning myself being a mother to a five year old now. So much has changed, and yet, so much is still the same. I don't feel like I've changed all that much, I know I have but you always look at people who are older than you and think "they seem to have their life together. By the time I'm their age I'll have it all figured out too". How wrong that thinking is! I've realized the older I get the less I feel like I've figured out. Is that how all adults feel? I sure hope so. I have changed and I am not who I once was. But my quirks are still the same. And I think that's actually a good thing. I may not be able to embarrass you here on earth but hey, watching from heaven as I tell your funniest moments is the same thing right? :p. Right.

A couple weeks ago we welcomed Uncle Chris home! Two years flew by and here we are reunited for the first time in three years. I love family. And I love the man who Chris became. He went through a lot on his mission and I know just like you are there for me, you were there for him as well. You are like our own personal guardian angel. Chris asked me a question a month ago about if I had the power to stop your death knowing everything I know now, would I? And I felt like that was a loaded question...I don't have the full answer but I know that I became who I am because of my experiences. I likely would not have met all the people I did, nor would I have been in the callings I was in.  I believe that everything did happen for a reason, as painful as that was. But, having the power to stop your suffering? That would be an incredibly difficult choice, and one I am glad I never had to make. So I guess I never did give him a straight answer, rather I reflected on what your death taught me. I will always wish there was another way to learn the lessons I did...but nothing I do can change the outcome. What I can control is how I live my life. And life is oh so wonderful.

I still have moments where I wish more than anything you were here to share in the day to day life with me. I always thought the longer someone is gone, the easier things become. But, I've learned that grief takes on many forms and no matter how long it's been there will always be an empty space. That sounds daunting doesn't it? :P. But I have accepted and learned to roll with what ever emotions I feel. Some days are better than others. I am just so lucky to have been given the opportunity to be your mother, and that is a title that will never be taken away from me. I was and am still a mother and that is because five years ago today after a strenuous labor I was finally able to hold you in my arms and knew that life would never be the same again. True to those feelings I had then, my life changed. I have never known a deeper love then what I felt that day. It doesn't matter how long it's been, or the distance that separates us, you are my child and I am your mother. And that in itself is something to be celebrated.

I suppose that's it for this letter Ayla. I miss you and hope that in heaven you get a lovely birthday party (do they do that in heaven? I hope so).

Love always,
Mom

Memories

There's days I don't feel like a mother. And to be honest it happens more often than not. In the physical sense I have the scars to prove that I was (am) and I definitely have the poo stained clothes to prove that a little person inhibited them :P. But Ayla's been gone so long that at times I forget that she once was more than a memory, and I once carried her in my arms.

Yesterday Facebook reminded me of the day I found out Ayla was a girl. I remember that day clearly. And even more so I remember how excited I was that my inklings were correct and she was indeed a she. I remember calling my mom first and making plans to buy everything pink. Believe me when I say that she was spoiled before she was even born. Life was difficult at that time and being able to focus my energy on something other than my circumstances. Growing a babe was exactly what I needed to lift my spirits.

These are all happy memories. But later on in the evening I started to have a rough time. There are days my arms feel more empty than others. And there are definitely times where the tears flow and I remember Ayla did exist. She was mine and had it not been for her I don't know who I would be or where I would be. She shaped me into someone far stronger than I thought possible.

With Mother's Day coming up in two weeks I have always had a range of emotions. I love everything it stands for; for me it reminds me how wonderful it is to be a mother when so many don't get that opportunity. It was the greatest feeling I have ever experienced. However, it also brings out many other emotions too. I've always found that no one year is the same and going with the flow is the best way I've found to cope. I am often left feeling humbled at how lucky I was to have Ayla around for the four wonderful months I had her. I experienced a lot of things in life and being a mother was the most rewarding.

Do I miss her? Definitely! More than I could ever put into words. Do I wish I could've spent more time with her, been more present, and savored every moment? Every day. I know she knew I gave her everything I had. And those days I question if I was enough I am reminded of her last days when I had so many quiet moments where I could reflect on everything that had happened. I was overcome with the knowledge that she was aware I would've given anything to switch places with her if I could. Anyone who has ever watched a loved one suffer knows the pain of feeling helpless.

One of my favorite scriptures is John 14;27 "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid". No, I don't always feel that peace or accept it. But it does come. When I was in the hospital I flipped open my scriptures randomly and that was the verse that I turned to. At that time (and may times afterward) it has brought me great comfort.

As we come closer to Mother's Day this year let's try to be more aware of those who may yearn for a babe of their own, those who lost their children too young, and those who don't have a mother to hug. Whatever the circumstance that you find yourself in on Mother's Day know that there are others who may not be experiencing your exact pain, but they are feeling similar things.

One day it'll all be worth the momentary pain you feel. It may not come in your timeline, but it'll come.

Changes

Coming back into YSA was one of the hardest transitions I ever had. To be honest I didn't want to be there and I felt extremely out of place among people who felt young to me. And I admit I was a little cynical about it for a while. I didn't feel like attending activities and all I wanted was to be who I was the first time around and obviously that's not who I was anymore. I had life experiences that I felt no one could relate to (I have since learned that trials can bind all sorts of people together) so I felt lonely among people my age. 

Through different parts of the past four years I've had small, seemingly insignificant changes that made me less anti-social and more positive about YSA in general. I could go into a long winded post on everything that made a difference but I won't bore you with specifics. Just know I recognize them.

One thing I would like to expand on, and really the reason for this post, is the calling I have had for the past year and nine months. For those unfamiliar with church terms, a calling is an assignment that my church gives to each person to not only help it run in a smooth manner, but to help the individual grow. I was the relief society president who is in charge of the women's organization in my ward. Yes, you read that correctly...was. I was released today. 

Going in I was overwhelmed and frankly scared of this responsibility. There's so much that goes into this and knowing that you are in charge of all the sisters is huge. At the time I wasn't going to many activities and was feeling a little lost. Than this calling came. For a while I felt like I was barely keeping on top of things. I didn't feel I was doing enough and it was hard. 

But, as time went on I started to get the hang of it all. And I believe this is what helped me finally feel I fit, not into the typical YSA mould but into one where I was comfortable being. I don't know how it happened but all of a sudden I became the best version of myself. And my confidence level skyrocketed. I grew into the new person I am. Not only that, I accepted it. And found others who needed to hear my personal stories. 

I love the sisters and created a bond with them that I cannot explain. God loves each of his children so very much and I felt of that love constantly through the course of my time in this position. I honestly believe the sisters helped lift me more than I ever did them. I love them. 

I think that nothing ever happens randomly and it was because of this calling I made some wonderful friends. Looking back and where I was and where I am now I am in awe of how lonely I once thought I was. I not only gained friends but I gained sisters. 

Back in November I was at the peak of my calling and began thinking to myself; what am I going to do when I'm released?! I gave everything I had to this. And with nothing else going on in my life I knew it would be a huge loss to me. Maybe I knew then that it was coming to an end...but I refused to acknowledge it :p. Come January however, I started to see why I was feeling that way.

I can only describe it as I was feeling odd. I couldn't see things as clearly as I could previously and I had to work for my inspiration. Everything else was going well; my presidency and I met every week, the sisters were doing okay, we were staying on top of callings and visiting teaching as much as possible, but I just felt different. 

By February my life had really started to change (for the better I assure you). And I started thinking that if I didn't have this calling that I would be okay. I talked to my bishop about it and he told me that he had already started thinking of someone new. So my feelings were merited. 

This brings me to this week. The mantle has passed to another and it's a weird feeling. She's wonderful and exactly who I envisioned taking over. The girls need her and I know she will grow to love them as I do.  I hope they know how wonderful they all are, I wouldn't be who I am without them. I just wish I could've done more, I always want to do more. 

I learned so much from so many different people. And I believe this has helped prepare me for what's to come. At the beginning of the year I chose the word vulnerable as something I would work on this year, I however had no idea how I would be tested in this. I promise God knows what he is doing and he knew this year I needed to open myself up to new people. I like stability, but I feel peace about where life is taking me. And oddly enough the anxieties I normally feel are not there. Which is new. 

This chapter is done but the book is far from over. I can't wait to see what life has in store for me. I'll miss the connection I had with the girls and my leaders but the wonderful thing is, they aren't going anywhere. As with everything in life it morphs and changes as time goes on. 

It'll take time to adjust but I'm happy with where I'm heading. Life is wonderful isn't it? It's the people who you spend it with who make all the difference. I'm so lucky to have the people in my life I do who push me to be better :). 

How Ayla's Stocking Helped #lighttheworld

I realized in the hustle and bustle of Christmas that I never did wrap up my experiences with Ayla's Stocking this year. Of all the years I have done this project, year four was the best. I have never been so humbled. Each year my church does some sort of project associated with Christmas and this year their initiative was #lighttheworld. Essentially every day there was some sort of service activity idea that was given so that we could lift the spirits of those around us through service. 

Naturally I really enjoyed reading and following what each person on my social media page was doing, particularly with their children. It seemed everywhere I looked people were lifting others up. I know very well how much one person can do. Even if they feel that their efforts are inadequate. 

I learned a great deal during my days spent in the Children's Hospital and one was that it is okay to ask for help. And to graciously accept it when given; Ayla's Stocking has shown me that this year once again. I had no clue how many happy tears were heading my way.

Every year it’s been growing and this year I was able to partner with the website justserve.ca to collect donations in Calgary. At home I had sent out my regular fliers in the middle of November and out of nowhere it seemed, I began to receive donations. Some even dropped off anonymously--next year I will catch you and be able to thank you in person!

Over the next month my home began to fill with gifts for the children and they continually grew in number. It always amazes me how much people, if given the opportunity, give to others. It got to the point that we knew that our car was not large enough to transport the gifts to Calgary so we had to rent a SUV to accommodate them. We filled the entire trunk and we hadn't even picked up the gifts from Calgary yet! I don't know what I was expecting but when I arrived at my aunt and uncle's place to gather the toys that had been dropped off there I saw an equal (if not more) amount than we had at my home. There were two wards in Calgary that had kindly donated quite a few items as part of their ward Christmas party festivities. With both places collected we filled the trunks of the SUV,  my uncle's van, plus about $700 in gift cards.

You have no idea what that means to me. To see all those toys and knowing that the kids in the hospital will not only be receiving those gifts, but be able to shop for gifts for their own families, fills my soul with unimaginable joy. As a person who has been on the receiving end of kindness I can attest that it means more then you can imagine. 

This Christmas season I learned lighting the world is not about what one single person can do. Rather what the whole world can do consecutively. If it weren’t for caring and giving people I would not be able to do this. So in reality it wasn’t just me who lit the world…it was all of us in our own ways. 

If I could thank each and every one of you in person I would. My life was drastically changed this day four years ago and I didn't know how I could ever feel joy again. There has not been one day that has gone by that I don't think about my sweet Ayla Carol Jacquline and everything she taught me about unconditional love, patience, and sacrifice. But, despite thinking my life would never feel full again I have found it has turned out more amazing then I could have ever imagined! Every single one of you has touched my life and helped me to see the good in the world. For that, I will never thank you enough.

I'm always sad to wrap up Ayla's Stocking but I can't wait to see what is in store for next year!

I know that Ayla is never far. Typically the days leading up to her angel day are difficult but this year it hasn't been as bad as in previous years. She is always close and I know that she has a hand in my life. And really the ache my heart feels just means she existed. Loved ones never truly leave and that's such a comfort to me. As my cousin Charlotte Wilson said in a blog post four years ago; "Allowing ourselves to experience sorrow opens singular understanding of Christ's sacrifice, and sorrow on behalf of another refines and sanctifies our hearts. Sorrow begets empathy, which evolves into charity. Sorrow is divine, and when we experience it, we must allow it to transform our souls."

Wait...2017...Already?

How can 2016 be over already? This year went by so fast I barely realized it was happening. And here we are again, a new year, new goals, and no idea what the future holds. I found that this past year my catch phrase has been "I'm busy, but good". I love my calling and love serving others but at the same time I know my limits. There were days where I felt perfectly fine opting out of a social activity to spend some time on myself. We all need some sort of balance.

With 2016 going by so fast I didn't start thinking and reflecting as soon as I regularly do. But luckily I had some time before work starts up again. Last year my word was trust. It's hard to see the progress to be honest but there was some. I have made some solid friendships this year and have knocked down a few walls in doing so. There was a time that I would retreat and try to handle life on my own. I always have my family, that's a given, but I don't let people in easily...and some of the things from my past are difficult to talk about. But I have a wonderful group of friends who are open to allowing me to talk about the hard stuff. What's amazing to me is that they may not understand completely but I was not allowing them the opportunity to try before. Everyone has some sort of experiences to pull from. I was just too stubborn to let people in to see what I am behind my mask. I don't feel like I have much of one anymore, anyone who knows me knows that dropping that mask is a huge step. 

I have come so far in my calling. I gained confidence and had the realization that I can't help everyone but I am enough. And am doing enough. My brother helped me to see this too, if we continually dwell on what we lack we are often left feeling exasperated from the efforts that will never measure up to what they could be, if we were perfect. We are not though and you know what? That's okay. I always have a hard time believing that I am doing all I can but this year I feel like I had an ah-ha moment where I finally could see that by just living and trying I was being exactly what I need to be at this time. I am far better off then I was a year ago :). 

I am finding that people are starting to ask me to share my story. There was no way three years ago that I would stand in front of the entire YSA and share something so deep. I had no problem grazing the surface but getting to the raw stuff? No way, particularly with my divorce. In November I had this opportunity. The YSA-I president called me up to ask if I would share some of the experiences I have had in YSA and how I have "Engaged In the Wrestle". I asked him if he was aware of what I had been through and he assured me that yes, and he felt it needed to be shared. 

This brings me to my new word, vulnerable. I kept trying to think of other words that I could use but this one seemed to fit the most with what I need to be this year. It's funny how that works.

Now, it doesn't mean I want to be innocent or to be weak. I want to be confident enough in myself and my experiences to allow people to see who I am beneath what I normally share. I started this process already but I have things in life that are hard to share because of the pain associated with them. I don't like showing "weakness" in talking to others and certainly don't want to show tears. But connecting with people on a deeper level requires a certain amount of vulnerability. Particularly when they are going through hard times themselves. You have to allow them to see that behind the words "it'll get better I promise" is the very real feelings of knowing that there will always be days where the pain manifests itself. Often at the most inopportune time. Once you open yourself up to those very raw emotions they see you as someone who is relatable.

I have always been pegged as the strong person and I know it's silly but I feel that I need to always stay in that role. Whether it's in my calling or in every day life I always feel that I have to be strong for everyone. So I still struggle to show my weaknesses because I feel like it's my responsibility to always have it together and when I don't I feel at a loss as to who I can be weak with. But, what I've already seen is that people, if given the opportunity, will step up and support you during those days of weakness. Why I don't remember that more often I'm not sure :P. But I am going to try to allow myself those moments more often this year.

Last, I can be stubborn. But really...as already established I will do anything to show I can do things on my own. Sometimes to the point I don't allow God to help me. I don't know if anyone else gets this way but I will give up control and let it flow in the direction God sees fit. But then...I take back the control and try to force it the way I feel it should go. The one person who can help me only asks that I allow Him to do so and I can't bring myself to ask sometimes. If I don't ask I can't get the things I so desperately seek. I have always valued prayer but I think it's time to be more honest with God. He already knows me better than I know myself so by letting him in and admitting that I don't have the answers will likely change our relationship immensely.

I can't wait to see what journeys are in store for me this year! 

Ayla's Stocking; Creating Memories

It's November! This time of the year is my favorite season. Not only can you feel the joy around you but you begin to think outside yourself and see those in need. This season more than any other you happily serve others. Whether you celebrate Christmas or not there is no denying the feeling in the air. And I love it.

For those who are new to my blog, each year I put together a service project I have entitled Ayla's Stocking; the idea came as a result of wanting to remember my daughter who became ill on Christmas and passed away a couple weeks later. I spent two and a half weeks in the hospital and later the hospice alongside families who, unlike myself, had to spend Christmas surrounded by machines and the knowledge that their child was too ill to be at home like every other family out there. It broke my heart and when Christmas time came in 2013 all I wanted was to be spending it with Miss Ayla. I knew I couldn't so I did what I felt was the next best thing; I served. And that's the way it's been since. Over the course of November and December I will be collecting toys, books, and small items to take up to the Calgary Children's Hospital so they can distribute it among the children who might be spending their holiday season there.

In previous posts I've discussed the impact serving has had on me. And to be honest nothing gives me greater joy at Christmas than knowing that I can help bring a smile to someone's face. Life can be so difficult and painful at times! And often pain leaves you feeling that you are completely alone...if you are reading this and are feeling this way please know that you are not. My hope is, and has always been, to bring a level of joy to families who are at their wits end. I can't give that to everyone but having done this for a few years now I know it makes a small difference.

This year I was thinking about the families' reactions in particular, how they look Christmas morning when they realize the nurses snuck in at night to place gifts under the tree, how the children felt as they were able to "shop" for gifts for their loved ones when they cannot leave the hospice, and how the parents watched in awe as their sweet children who are going through so much pain smile at the surprise of finding something under the tree they never expected. These little things create lasting memories. To have some small part in these families' lives fills me with more joy than you can imagine. When your child is gone and all you are left with is memories I can testify to how powerful those memories become to you. I want the parents to be able to relive that small happy moment over and over and to bask in the overwhelming love they felt for their child that wonderful day. Emotions are powerful. Yes, the logistics of the memory fade but the feeling ... that never fades.

Despite it being four years ago that Ayla got sick I can still remember with clarity every emotion I felt. But even more than that, I remember the kindness that was shown to me. There were wonderful nurses and support staff that at the time I couldn't fully appreciate. One morning I woke after it being a particularly difficult night with no improvement to a pair of mittens and booties on Ayla. I tear up every time I talk about it. During the night a nurse down the ICU hallway thought Ayla looked chilly and so she knit her a hat, mittens, and booties while I slept. It's people like that who made a very difficult situation more bearable. And from everything the nurses have told me that's the exact reaction they get when they give the children and families the things I collect.

With all that said I can't create this alone. I always have had so much support and there is no way to thank you enough for it. This year I have the pleasure of working with justserve.org who will be posting a little about the project and give more information on how to donate if you are in the Calgary region (link found here). I worked with them last year and in two weeks we received more than I ever thought we could, so I am excited to see how it will play out this year.

Here is a refresher on some of the things you can give;

- Infant rattles, rings, teether type toys

- Gift cards that can be given to families (Toys R Us, Walmart, Tim Horton's...)

- Pajamas of varying sizes

- Craft kits (with supplies all enclosed) or small boxes of pencil crayons, crayons, markers, etc.

- Musical toys (anything that plays sounds or music, push button toys...)

- Slippers (children and adults)

- One-size fits all stretchy gloves

- Toques and winter hats

- Books (mostly infant and teen books)
-Board games (for any age)
-Sensory games (for any age)
-Teen items (nail polish, journals, hair accessories, etc.)

These are just some ideas, if you have ones of your own then by all means go for it.

I wanted to thank you again for taking this journey with me. It's been a great three years so far and every year Ayla's Stocking has grown into something so much more than the year before. I know I appreciate the love and support; however I know that the families appreciate it more than I do. Christmas is such a wonderful time of year! Even if you don't give to Ayla's Stocking I would ask that you serve someone this holiday season, it doesn't have to be extravagant but know every small thing counts.

The memories you create will last far longer than the gifts you receive.

Ayla's 4th Birthday Letter! :)

Dearest Ayla Carol Jacqueline, 
My oh my! Can it really be your fourth birthday my sweet girl? It's so hard to even fathom that it's been four years since I brought you into the world (quite to your dismay I might add). And that really blows my mind...four years?! Each year it gets easier. And with every passing year it gets a bit easier. I have my cry then I go on pretending it's just a regular day. 

It's not though and I wish I could find a better way to remember you other then these yearly letters--and let's be honest, they are more for me then you anyway :P. It's therapeutic for me. Once a year I feel that I'm talking directly to you through heaven express. It may seem odd to some but I think of it as more of a letter letting you know how life is going. I would like to add that I am posting this from Denver! It is John and Sarah's reception this weekend (tonight actually) and so the whole family is here. I'm sure you joined us as well. 

Shall we get started? 

This year has been interesting and again I'm in awe at how quickly time has moved! I have grown up in quite a few ways and let's be honest...some things never change and it's hard to imagine me ever being mature enough to raise a child. But that's beside the point. I often think at how you laugh at my life choices sometimes...staying up until four thirty last week being one of them. I'm getting too old for that. 

Throughout this year I learned a lot about myself and how your death was necessary in helping me grow into who I am. I so wish I could have learned these lessons another way...but that was not the plan and I've accepted that. 

I have felt you close in the times I most needed it Ayla, and for that I'm grateful. One of my deepest fears was that once you passed I would feel an empty space where you used to be, to be honest it's never completely healed up...but the moments where I feel that spot isn't so noticeable anymore. It's been filled with love of different kinds. There will always be a special part in my heart where your raspberry bubbles, wise eyes, and chunky rolls will dwell and I wouldn't want it any other way. 

Back in May I attended a Time Out For Women event in Lethbridge. Not only were the presenters fantastic but the music was incredible! I was sitting there listening to the music and could feel it fill my soul all weekend long and I had a moment where I remembered exactly what music had done for me. While I was pregnant, you and I spent countless hours quietly on the couch. My only comfort was knowing that I wasn't alone and that soon I'd meet the precious child who I had grown accustomed to sharing my body with. There was a night where instead of dwelling on my situation I had the impression to play some efy music for you. It brought such a peace to both of us and I knew that you needed it just as much as I did. 

A few months later you were laying in a hospital bed in a coma and according to the monitor there was no brain activity....until uncle Chris sent a few videos of him playing the piano. He asked that I lay my phone next to you and play his music; I did this and there was a second there that on the ECG that there was brain activity. Music always calmed you down. And brought such comfort to you and I. 

I guess for a time I forgot how powerful music was and can be. So as I was listening to David Archuletta, Sandra Tulley and GENTRI I remembered those times where music had helped me feel God (and later you) close. It brought tears to my eyes and I knew that I needed to let my soul soak in those words and notes to break down some walls I tend to build up. How grateful I was to be reminded of those sacred moments. You and I will always share the love of music. 

This summer I spent some time with Charlotte, Emily, and their families. You would think being around children would be difficult but it's really not. If anything it reaffirms that I am still a mother, capable of loving far beyond what I ever imagined. And watching them interact with your second cousins did my heart good. I have no doubts that you visit their children often. I asked Millie if she knew you...it was a very distinct yes. I'm so happy that even if they grow up and forget those moments that I won't. It's wonderful to know you are very much a part of our lives. Charlotte and Emily are fantastic mothers and their husbands are caring fathers. I'm grateful that they allowed me in to bask in those experiences and show me what a eternal family looks like. One day I hope to experience it for myself. 

Uncle Eric is home! And how wonderful it is to have him back. He has also grown in many ways and I'm proud of the man he's become. As the day got closer to when he would arrive home I was so excited to finally hug him again. Families are eternal and knowing that no matter the time apart we will always have a joyous reunion in the end gave me hope. We will always be together and how grateful I am for that! 

He has always been a wonderful brother but the past month I have come to the conclusion that he has grown into a man. The best thing he has done so far was to serve a mission. It's changed him in ways I never imagined.

I took an institute class during the winter semester and it dealt with families and the church's stance on the eternal families. It taught me so many things about myself and helped me to face my fears head on. Of all the things church related that helped me this year I believe it was this class that helped the most. I had some things I buried deep inside and it was time to dig them out and deal with them. It was painful and refreshing all at the same time. If that makes sense. 

Part of the new institute program is that not only do you need to show up, but you must do your readings and answer some questions. It gave me things to reflect on and I'm grateful for all I learned. Sometimes it's difficult to find my place as a childless mother in a young single adult situation. And sometimes talking about motherhood causes tears...not that I am upset but because I miss it. There are other ways to feel a smaller scale satisfaction. And for now those will suffice :). 

There is not a day that goes by that I don't miss you Ayla. And this year in particular has felt very raw for me, there are things that haven't bothered me in years that I think needed one last moment of remembrance before I tossed it away. Just a few moments of "I acknowledge you but you do not control me". Do you know how empowering it is to finally be able to see not where I was, but where I am? It's a good feeling knowing that my life is finally moving forward and those triggers are being dealt with. I rose and continue to rise above so many trials and thankfully I know that I have help. 

As I was writing this letter I had a recognition of how many experiences I have had the opportunity to have in the past four years. Nothing would make me happier then to have been able to keep you here with me, and I'll be honest there are times I feel that life was a little unfair to me. Babies are born every day and their parents get to experience everything that comes with being a parent. And sometimes they take that for granted...I know I did. I wish I would have appreciated every single moment I had with you more. That's my deepest regret...deep down I know you knew how dearly you were loved but I wish I could have shown you more. 

However, there are many things I have been given the opportunity to experience that I would not have been able to had you been with me. I have friends I would never had met, callings I would not have been in, knowledge and understanding that I would never had gained, and most of all the closeness I have gained to my Saviour and Redeemer. I had no other choice but to allow Him to heal my broken heart when it felt that I would never move on from this, that I would never again be happy. Through the Atonement I have moved forward and have become someone I never would have thought I could be. 

You are the best thing that has ever happened to me Ayla. And if I had the option to do it over I would. A thousand times yes. Being your mother has given me more joy then I can express with words. One day I hope to wrap my arms around you and tell you that in person. Time has gone so much faster then I ever imagined but I have come a long way since this day four years ago. I feel that I haven't come too far since this time last year but I know however small the change, it's change never the less. Thank you for allowing me to feel you close. A veil separates us for now. But one day it won't :). 

I love you so much sweetheart, 

Mom