2.05.2013
Pampered
I love being pampered. I went and got my nails done yesterday with an old co-worker of mine :) she did a beautiful job. Now I'm set to leave for California in two weeks!
1.28.2013
Just Another Week
It's been a week since my last post. Nothing has really changed, I am still somewhat numb and miss Ayla like crazy. Every day I wish I could see her grow. It's been two weeks and when I think about all the things she would have been getting into now it makes me sad. But I know she's here and someday there will be others. Probably not as cute but I hope they come close :P.
I have a couple things to look forward to. I booked tickets to visit family in Denver! I haven't seen them in years. There's been two marriages and a baby since I last saw them :) I'm so excited! I love them :)
My parents also booked us a trip in three weeks! I may act like a little girl when I think about this trip. I'll leave this one a surprise until I can't bare it anymore. But let me tell you I'm so excited to go. And I'll probably still buy a souvenir for Ayla. Just so I feel like she came with us.
I have a couple things to look forward to. I booked tickets to visit family in Denver! I haven't seen them in years. There's been two marriages and a baby since I last saw them :) I'm so excited! I love them :)
My parents also booked us a trip in three weeks! I may act like a little girl when I think about this trip. I'll leave this one a surprise until I can't bare it anymore. But let me tell you I'm so excited to go. And I'll probably still buy a souvenir for Ayla. Just so I feel like she came with us.
1.21.2013
Letter
Dear Ayla,
It's been a week since you left, and it still doesn't feel real. I want to hold you in my arms and kiss your perfectly shaped head. I went to your grave today. It was hard to know I won't see your cute pudgy legs for a long time.
I miss your sweet laugh and your beautiful smile. My life will never be the same dear Ayla. You taught me a lot. I will always have you in my heart. You will never be forgotten.
Love,
Mom <3
It's been a week since you left, and it still doesn't feel real. I want to hold you in my arms and kiss your perfectly shaped head. I went to your grave today. It was hard to know I won't see your cute pudgy legs for a long time.
I miss your sweet laugh and your beautiful smile. My life will never be the same dear Ayla. You taught me a lot. I will always have you in my heart. You will never be forgotten.
Love,
Mom <3
1.19.2013
Funeral
Today Ayla finally got put to rest. As sad as that was I'm so happy that her body is where I can visit often. I miss my precious Ayla but she'll visit me often :) and I know she's free from pain and sorrow.
The ceremony was beautiful. The words were touching. And I was amazed at how many people showed their support. She touched so many lives in her short existence. Even a few cousins who couldn't make it attended the temple. I really have the best family and friends. They are the ones getting me through this.
Thank you to all those who have, and continue to pray for me. I will get through this <3.
The ceremony was beautiful. The words were touching. And I was amazed at how many people showed their support. She touched so many lives in her short existence. Even a few cousins who couldn't make it attended the temple. I really have the best family and friends. They are the ones getting me through this.
Thank you to all those who have, and continue to pray for me. I will get through this <3.
1.15.2013
Ayla's Final Story
I'm going to tell you a story. The story of Ayla's last days. As said previously I won't share pictures but I want you all to know of my baby's strength. Here we go:
Ayla was happy as could be on Christmas. The happiest I had seen her in a long time. Christmas night however she started fussing and holding her head. I took her in to ER. They checked her ears and said that there was nothing wrong and sent me home.
The 27th she was back to her normal self, smiling and being the sweet baby I know her to be. She threw up. Then was miserable. Later she ran a fever much higher then I thought healthy so I ran her to emergency. They passed it off as the flu and sent me off with a prescription and home I went. She got worse. All night I was alternating Tylenol every four hours and Advil every six. I didn't get any sleep. I cuddled my screaming baby all night.
The 28th I called the doctor explaining that she wasn't improving (she wouldn't drink her formula just very little of petalyte). He said the medication would take a while to start working. She got much worse. At 11 I took her to Lethbridge ER. By the time they saw her her eye was drooping, the pupil wasn't responding and she was in so much pain she barely cried.
Off to a CT scan to tell us what was wrong. It came back saying there was something off in her brain but they wanted to get an MRI to tell us more. Unfortunately they can't do it for babies in Lethbridge. So I called Arles and off in the ambulance we went.
The whole way there I prayed. Not my baby. No. Don't do this to me. It was rough. I will never get the way she looked at me out of my head. Her eyes begged me for help, and I couldn't do anything. We got to the children's hospital and they took her from my arms and next thing I knew she was surrounded by every doctor in the ICU. They got her stabilized and took her for the MRI. She was in a drug induced coma.
The MRI showed that their suspicions were true. She contracted bacterial menagitis. She had suffered many mini strokes. She was in rough shape. But even hooked up to everything she was still pretty dang cute. She suffered quite a few seizures over the next few days and after a second MRI we knew things were not looking good. No amount of medication could control the seizures. Nothing was working.
They did a third MRI and after knowing that she would never function enough to even move we took her off life support. She lived ten more days in the hospice. I am in such awe of my baby's strength. Truly. The doctors said that her body was strong and other then her brain she was very healthy. The last days with her were such a blessing and throughout that time I found a peace of mind.
My beautiful baby girl had a short mission and I know that her little spirit had so much to teach me. She's still here though. I can feel her constant presence and I know that she loves Arles, our families, and I dearly. Watching her pass away was one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with but it's a beautiful thing. She looked so peaceful. I know her spirit can soar everywhere now.
She is mine. Always will be.
Ayla was happy as could be on Christmas. The happiest I had seen her in a long time. Christmas night however she started fussing and holding her head. I took her in to ER. They checked her ears and said that there was nothing wrong and sent me home.
The 27th she was back to her normal self, smiling and being the sweet baby I know her to be. She threw up. Then was miserable. Later she ran a fever much higher then I thought healthy so I ran her to emergency. They passed it off as the flu and sent me off with a prescription and home I went. She got worse. All night I was alternating Tylenol every four hours and Advil every six. I didn't get any sleep. I cuddled my screaming baby all night.
The 28th I called the doctor explaining that she wasn't improving (she wouldn't drink her formula just very little of petalyte). He said the medication would take a while to start working. She got much worse. At 11 I took her to Lethbridge ER. By the time they saw her her eye was drooping, the pupil wasn't responding and she was in so much pain she barely cried.
Off to a CT scan to tell us what was wrong. It came back saying there was something off in her brain but they wanted to get an MRI to tell us more. Unfortunately they can't do it for babies in Lethbridge. So I called Arles and off in the ambulance we went.
The whole way there I prayed. Not my baby. No. Don't do this to me. It was rough. I will never get the way she looked at me out of my head. Her eyes begged me for help, and I couldn't do anything. We got to the children's hospital and they took her from my arms and next thing I knew she was surrounded by every doctor in the ICU. They got her stabilized and took her for the MRI. She was in a drug induced coma.
The MRI showed that their suspicions were true. She contracted bacterial menagitis. She had suffered many mini strokes. She was in rough shape. But even hooked up to everything she was still pretty dang cute. She suffered quite a few seizures over the next few days and after a second MRI we knew things were not looking good. No amount of medication could control the seizures. Nothing was working.
They did a third MRI and after knowing that she would never function enough to even move we took her off life support. She lived ten more days in the hospice. I am in such awe of my baby's strength. Truly. The doctors said that her body was strong and other then her brain she was very healthy. The last days with her were such a blessing and throughout that time I found a peace of mind.
My beautiful baby girl had a short mission and I know that her little spirit had so much to teach me. She's still here though. I can feel her constant presence and I know that she loves Arles, our families, and I dearly. Watching her pass away was one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with but it's a beautiful thing. She looked so peaceful. I know her spirit can soar everywhere now.
She is mine. Always will be.
1.12.2013
Four Months
This was Ayla's last month with me. This is by far the most difficult post I've ever written. Ayla was everything to me. Everything. I will miss her terribly but I am grateful that I had one last month to be with her. I will be with her again. I refuse to put bad pictures up because although it is part of her life, I want her to be remembered as the happy baby she was. It was such a wonderful month :) I love the Christmas season and all the feelings associated with it. I was so grateful to spend this wonderful season with my beautiful daughter.
~She mastered spitting skills finally, and she did it all the time.
~Ayla started to enjoy bath time, she'd lift her legs up then slam them down splashing me in the face. She thought it was pretty funny.
~She laughed in her sleep. It was by far the funniest thing I've ever heard.
~We attended mommy and me every Wednesday, she liked to flirt with the boys.
~Ayla would only nap in my arms. With what's happening now I appreciate it a whole lot more.
~She almost rolled over
~Ayla figured out how to pull the butterfly off her play gym, she would do it constantly.
~One day she tried to pull off another toy that didn't come off. She got quite upset.
~We had our first and last Christmas together.
~She gave the hugest smiles on Christmas, I think she knew what the day was about.
~She finally slept in her crib all night.
~I learned that there is nothing like a mothers love.
~She mastered spitting skills finally, and she did it all the time.
~Ayla started to enjoy bath time, she'd lift her legs up then slam them down splashing me in the face. She thought it was pretty funny.
~She laughed in her sleep. It was by far the funniest thing I've ever heard.
~We attended mommy and me every Wednesday, she liked to flirt with the boys.
~Ayla would only nap in my arms. With what's happening now I appreciate it a whole lot more.
~She almost rolled over
~Ayla figured out how to pull the butterfly off her play gym, she would do it constantly.
~One day she tried to pull off another toy that didn't come off. She got quite upset.
~We had our first and last Christmas together.
~She gave the hugest smiles on Christmas, I think she knew what the day was about.
~She finally slept in her crib all night.
~I learned that there is nothing like a mothers love.
1.06.2013
My Baby Girl
I sit here awaiting my daughters death. I am numb. I am sad. I am sometimes angry. I am exhausted. I don't know what to feel anymore. But I can't but help be so happy for the past four months. I know every little roll on my little Ayla's body. I love her more then anyone can. I love that I, out of everyone in this world has had the opportunity to give birth to Ayla Carol Jacqueline Tippie. She is mine. Always will be.
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